Rewind: Rah-The Power of Zod Compels You

In the spirit of the Missouri Valley Wrestling-High Octane Wrestling crossover this past weekend, here is another flashback featuring Rah in HOW.

Rah
Rah- The Sunshine God

High Octane Wrestling
Thursday Night Turmoil
August 26th, 2010
Kemper Arena. Kansas City

The Power of Zod compels you…

A trumpet fanfare interrupts her followed by a dense, layered note on a synthesizer.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the gods and all-father of creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky who is usually a welcome, nurturing presence and to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the ’50s. And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego’s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

Benny Newell: RAH!

Joe Hoffman: I’m just going to ignore you this week.

Benny Newell: RAH!

A bright spotlight illuminates a door in the back.

Announcer: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the God of Sunshine…RAAAAAAAAH!

Nine bikini-clad, and tanned, females aka the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Team emerge from the door followed by two men carrying a golden sedan chair with a man dressed in long flowing robes. He’s followed by his three minions- Bob Nye, Foot Fetish Guy, Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk, his new official spokesperson Michelle Hardaway, Missy Andrews, and Happy Mango, children’s show host. The procession makes its way to the ring where it stops at the ring apron. Rah then climbs out of his golden sedan chair and stands on the apron. Two of the bikini girls open the ropes and allow Rah to pass through.

Benny Newell: RAH!

Rah moves to the middle of the ring and is surrounded by the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, Lisa, Michelle, Nye, Missy, and Happy Mango. At a signal, everyone drops to their knees and bows to Rah. In the middle of the ceremony, Cindy the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl suddenly begins to throw up.

Bambi- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl: Ewwwwwwww.

Destiny- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl: She’s been doing that for the past two days.

Rah does not look happy.

Cindy does not look very steady. Two of the Coppertone girls hold her up.

Cindy: I’m sorry, Rah.

Rah: Rah is not pleased about this interruption.

Lisa goes over and checks on her.

Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk: She’s sick, Rah.

Cindy throws up again.

Rah: Rah has noticed that you haven’t felt well…Rah would like to know is going on?

One of the ring techs throws a towel up and Lisa wipes off Cindy’s mouth.

Cindy: Rah?

Rah: Yes, my child.

Cindy(quietly): I’m pregnant.

Rah bends down as if he didn’t quite hear what she said.

Rah: Rah is sorry. Rah didn’t quite understand-

Cindy: I SAID, I’M PREGNANT!

The crowd gasps.

It’s takes a few seconds for Rah’s entourage to follow comprehend what she said. Then they all turn to Rah.

Rah puts his hands up.

Cindy: It’s okay, Rah. It’s not yours.

Happy Mango: Then who’s is it?

Gino Giordano appears.

Joe Hoffman: Oh, you’re kidding me.

Benny Newell: WAY TO GO, GEEE-NOOOOO! THE G-TRAIN! DRINK!

Benny guzzles down more Jack Daniels.

Gino struts to the ring and climbs in.

Happy Mango: Him?

Even Rah seems shocked.

Gino walks up to Cindy who still doesn’t look very good.

Gino: Eeeeyo, uh– yo I don’t know what you wanna do about this or whatever, but you know, I don’t know if little Ginos or Ginettes or whatever are good cars to have on the G-Train, know what I’m sayin’?

Joe Hoffman: Ain’t that the truth.

Benny Newell: You’re just jealous…DRINK!

Benny again inbibes in the Jack Daniels.

Gino: So, uh– you know, like, I don’t wanna be pushy or nothin’, and no disrespect none taken or anything, but what are we gonna do about this fertilitation situation or whatever?

Cindy: You don’t have to worry about a thing.

Gino strokes his chin.

Gino: And why is that?

Cindy: Because. It’s not your baby!

Crowd: WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Joe Hoffman: Whoa, this is getting good.

Benny Newell: See? I told you.

Gino becomes very upset.

Gino: YO WHAT THE FUCK, SONNETTE! Yo, that shit ain’t mine?! ARE YOU FREAKIN’ SERIOUS?!

Cindy shakes her head no.

Gino: Then who the fuck is it?

Again, everyone turns to Rah.

Rah: It is NOT Rah’s child! Stop looking at me.

Joe Hoffman: If it’s not Gino’s kid…thank God…or not Rah’s kid…then who?

Man’s Voice: Come to me, my darling! Come and kneel before Zod!

Joe Hoffman: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.

Benny Newell: ZOD!

Joe Hoffman: Don’t you start with that.

Benny Newell: ZOD!

To Rah’s great consternation, General Zod saunters down the aisle. He climbs through the ropes and goes over to Cindy.

General Zod: Today begins a new order. Your possessions, your very life, (Zod looks down at her breasts) your huge tracts of land, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod. In return for your obedience, you will enjoy my generous protection.

Benny Newell: ZOD!

Rah: Wait! This simply cannot be true. You?

Rah points incredulously at General Zod.

Rah: You’re seventy three years old and you lost your superpowers in Superman II. And her?

He points to Cindy.

General Zod: Yes. Cindy and I have been exclusive for several weeks now.

Cindy looks sheepishly away.

Cindy: Well? Not exactly.

The crowd gasps.

Joe Hoffman: This keeps getting better.

Cindy: I’ve…I’ve been having an affair.

Happy Mango and Bob Nye- Foot Fetish guy lean up against the ropes and watch with wonderment.

General Zod: This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of those responsible.

Again, everyone turns to Rah.

Rah: Enough of the looking at Rah.

No one looks away.

Rah: For the last time, Rah is not the father of her child nor is Rah having an affair with Cindy!

General Zod: General Zod demands to know who!

Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk steps forward. Cindy motions her towards her.

Benny Newell: YES! YES! HOT LESBIAN ACTION!

Lisa and Cindy passionately kiss and make out in the middle of the ring.

Benny Newell: YES! YESSSSSSSSS!

Rah bends down and whispers in Happy Mango’s ear.

Rah: Rah did not think this would turn into a Kirsta Lewis promo.

Joe Hoffman: Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this but…what will General Zod do about this?

General Zod slowly and methodically walks over to Lisa and Cindy. He suddenly grabs both by the hair.

General Zod: General Zod is hardcore! I’ll take them both!

Rah facepalms himself as Zod pulls Lisa and Cindy to his white haired chest and they both begin to kiss it.

The crowd begins to chant, “ZOD! ZOD!”

General Zod: Behold my power! All of you shall kneel before Zod’s mighty intergalactic jackhammer!

Joe Hoffman: I think I’m going to be sick.

Benny Newell: What? Are you pregnant, too?

Joe can only shake his head as we head to commercial.

 

About Art Nouveaux

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