Missouri Valley Wrestling House Show Report
Tony’s Pizza Events Center
Saturday March 9th, 2019
Night number two to Missouri Valley Wrestling’s run through the state of Kansas stopped off at a familiar venue- the Tony’s Pizza Events Center in Salina, Kansas. However, the night would not be your typical night of wrestling.
Throughout the day, actually- the week, rumors had swirled about concerning one half of the MVW Tag Team Champions Halitosis and whether he’d signed off on a deal to move to High Octane Wrestling. Friday night, no mention was made of the situation. Saturday night, the tag champions were scheduled for a match.
The first inkling that something might be up? Former MVW Champion (and ironically former HOW World Champion) ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay came out to tag with Rah during their match.
The second inkling? The official announcement made on High Octane Radio that Halitosis was indeed entered in a twenty-three person tournament to determine the new HOW World Champion.
Who helped broker the deal in the background? HOW alumni Dawn McGill, McAvay, and surprisingly enough- Rah.
Now, this isn’t the first time that Halitosis had tried his luck in a high level wrestling federation. Two years ago, Halitosis and Rah participated in an open tag team tournament in 4 Corners Wrestling and appeared at 4CW’s Bad Company pay per view show.
Missouri Valley Wrestling Salina, KS Results:
MATCH #1-‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott defeated Bobby Starr-Scott submitted Starr with the American Stars and Fujiwara Arm Bar
MATCH #2-Backman Taylor Powerdrive (Charlene Backman/Brianna Taylor) defeated Gwen and Blake Varney- Backman pinned Blake with a small package roll up.
MATCH #3- ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five defeated ‘The World’s Most Uninteresting Man’ Tom Smith with the Disintegrator.
-this was the first match for Ultratron-Five with his new reluctant assistant- Todd.
MATCH #4- Truckin’ Average Company (Ken Worth-American Trucker/Brad Company) defeated the French Connection (Jobber D’Hutt and Obnoxious French Sports Talk Host Dan LeBasterd)- Worth pinned LeBasterd with the Jake Brake
MATCH #5-‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan defeated ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris with the Canadian Destroyer
MATCH #6-William Daniels Bryan defeated The Couch Potato with the Crane Kick
Post-match, Couch Potato actually shared a couple Twinkies with WDB to commemorate his return to action.
MATCH #7- Corporate World (Kirk Walstreit/P.M.C. Banks) defeated The SEC (‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller/’Dangerous’ Dan Williams)-Banks pinned Williams with the Bank Statement Overdraft
MVW CEO Jill Berg came out after the match to announce that one half of the MVW Tag Team Champions Halitosis had agreed to a deal with High Octane Wrestling. Berg then brought out former MVW Champion Ray McAvay as his replacement noting that Rah and McAvay had tagged before in PCW and in HOW.
Jill Berg: “Since the Dork Dynasty are still technically the number one contender’s for the title, Rah and McAvay will face them right now for the title.
MATCH #8/TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Rah and ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay © defeated The Dork Dynasty (Leonard and Sheldon Robertson)- Rah pinned Leonard with the Eye of Rahhh! to retain the title.
MATCH #9/NON-TITLE MATCH: MVW Champion ‘Charlie Wrestling’ Charlie Blackwell defeated Average Joe of Truckin’ Average Company
MAIN EVENT/HEARTLAND TITLE MATCH: Jack Fraiser defeated SNAFU via DQ when Coach E.J. Flack accidently decked referee Davey Keels while chasing Fraiser’s Oootlander Blaire Rendell out of the ring.
UPCOMING MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING ROAD SHOWS
March 10th – Hartman Arena / Park City, KS
March 16th – Jamestown Civic Center / Jamestown, SD
March 22nd – Silverstein Eye Centers Arena / Independence, MO
March 23rd – Qwest Center Omaha / Omaha, NE
March 24th – Sanford Pentagon / Sioux Falls, SD
March 30th – Mayo Civic Center / Rochester, MN
April 5th – Buccaneer Arena / Urbandale, IA
April 6th – McLeod Center / Cedar Rapids, IA
April 7th – McElroy Auditorium / Waterloo, IA
April 13th – Bank of the Ozarks Arena / Hot Springs, AR
The Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Halitosis, and Rah
REPLAY: MVWA 76 – July 10th, 2017
The Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis
The Kardouchian Empire: Ken and Khourtney Kardouchian w/ Koley Kardouchian and the Patriarch of the Kardoucheian Empire- Khris Kardoucheian.
Kimber raises the microphone and begins…
Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, our main event tonight is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. Introducing first…
“I’m sinfully delicious!”
[Dawn McGill’s high-pitched, squeaky tone (done in annoyingly brainless blonde bombshell sing-song tone to the tune of the tag from the Lucky Charm’s cereal commercial) heralds the arrival of the once Six Foot Tall Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt now turned sports entertainment eye candy.]
[Slinking out onto the stage in a gold one piece strapless dress that just barely covered her breasts and went down to mid-thigh, gold high heel shoes, copious makeup on her face, teased platinum hair right out of the 1980’s, and bright red lipstick on her lips, McGill rolls her eyes at the sound of her high pitched voice over the loudspeaker and then snaps back into her sports entertainment character.]
Kimber Marshall: …led to the ring by his valet- ‘Sinfully Delicious’ Dawn McGill…
[McGill struts her way down the ramp and stops intermittently to pose for the fans. Three quarters of the way down, someone in the crowd holds up a bouquet of flowers that catches her attention. She points to the fan with the sign and motions him to come to the guardrail. The fan, who appears to be college student age, goes over to meet her. Dawn smiles at the kid, grabs the side of his face with both hands, and plants a full mouth, no holds barred kiss on the surprised student.]
[Once the kiss ends, McGill- lipstick slightly smeared on her face, giggles as she backs away from the college student- his face also smeared with red lipstick, and continues on towards the ring. Another man reaches over the barrier and grabs a handful of ass as she passes by. Dawn shifts out of blond bombshell mode, whips around, and kicks the man in the forehead, scraping her spiked high heels across his skin and tearing it open.]
[Blood starts gushing from the man’s head.]
[Rolling her eyes at the man, Dawn ‘resets’ back into sports entertainment mode, giggles in a high-pitched, squeaky voice, and makes her way down to the ring.]
[A lucha wrestler saunters out on the ramp dressed in all black with a giant ‘H’ on the front of his shirt. There’s also a greenish haze emitting from his mouth.]
Kimber Marshall: …hailing from the Island of Misfit Wrestlers. Weighing in tonight at one hundred seventy pounds, he is the ‘LUCHADOR WITH INSANELY POOR ORAL HYGIENE’…ladies and gentlemen- HALITOSIS!
[Halitosis pumps his first in the air and then starts down the ramp towards the ring. He slap people’s hands along the way and then says hello to a young fan in the front row- the fan promptly collapses when he get a whiff of his breath.]
[Halitosis then moves on to the next one. He says hello. The fan gets a blast of his breath and falls to the ground.]
[He continues on to greet the fans along the way- oblivious to the carnage he leaves behind.]
[Halitosis reaches the ring area and continues to greet people around the front row. Again, they all pass out once they get downwind of his breath and soon, the scene looks like a set of dominos falling over as he goes around the perimeter. He climbs up on the ring apron and leaps over the top rope into the ring.]
[He goes to shake Kimber’s hand but the ring announcer bolts for the other side of the ring and tries to keep a safe distance away. Shrugging his shoulders, Halitosis looks out over the ropes and raises his arms in the air.]
Kimber Marshall: And his partner, from-
[She’s interrupted by a man dressed in an expensive suit and bow-tie who’s just climbed into the ring. He elbows Kimber out of the way and gestures for her to take a temporary powder because he’s the one who’s been given the honor and privilege of introducing a living deity.]
Announcer Guy: Hit it.
[Over the loudspeaker, a buzzing synth sound blares and the announcer guy raises the microphone to his mouth.]
Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 33 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.
[He pauses and looks out at the crowd as the lights turn off. A small spotlight illuminates the ramp where ten former Arizona State sorority sisters, turned followers of Rah, stand.]
[All ten pose on the ramp and are oblivious to anything else going on around them because they’re too busy taking selfies of themselves on their cell phones and then texting them onto their twitter accounts.]
[Then two large, hulking men carry out a golden sedan chair holding a six foot eight inch, two hundred and eighty pound man dressed in long flowing robes inside. Rah is tanned, he’s rested, and as the girls continue to make obnoxious faces, duck face expression, while taking copious amounts of selfies, he’s slightly annoyed by his new followers.]
Announcer Guy: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason for the invention of sunglasses because your face would melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark if you gaze upon him…ladies and gentlemen…bow down before the Sunshine God…
[McGill breaks character and rolls her eyes at Rah’s overly elaborate entrance.]
Announcer Guy: …RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[The procession stops at the ring steps. Rah climbs out of his golden sedan chair and is immediately barraged with flashing lights. The former sorority girls keep taking selfie after selfie all around him.]
[Blinking his eyes to clear his vision, Rah somehow finds his way into the ring.]
[Kimber rips the microphone back from Rah’s announcer guy.]
Kimber Marshall: And their opponents…
[Halitosis and Rah are immediately attacked by the Kardoucheian Family- family patriarch Khristopher Kardoucheian and his three sons Ken Kardoucheian, Koley Kardoucheian, and Khourtney Kardoucheian. Also climbing into the ring are the film crew of the Kardoucheian’s world famous reality show “Kramping Up with the Kardoucheians.”]
[Ken launches himself towards Halitosis and sends him through the ring ropes with a spear.]
Rick Hall: Yeah, they’re not going to wait for the bell! The Kardoucheians are pissed that Halitosis and Rah are getting a shot at the big time instead of them.
Justin Sufferable: Ever since the announcement was made, the Kardoucheians have wanted to get a piece of Rah and Halitosis and now they’ve got them!
[Koley and Khourtney doubleteam Rah but the big guy uses his sun fueled strength to easily fling Koley over the top rope to the floor.]
[Ken rains down punches on Halitosis and takes great care not to get too close to his face. Rah and Khourtney exchange punches. Rah’s strength is too much so Khourtney chooses to exit stage right and rolls under the ropes to the floor.]
Rick Hall: Referee Davey Keels still hasn’t called for the bell but both teams are throwing everything they’ve got at each other.
[Rah whips Koley into the ring post and the Kardoucheian bounces two steps back and then falls backwards to the floor. Khourtney then leaps on Rah’s back. The Sunshine God bends over and propels Khourtney up and over him. He lands with a splat on his back to the floor.]
[The referee gives up trying to get two men in the ring and finally calls for the bell.]
Rick Hall: Keels just called for the bell and the match is OFFICIALLY under way.
Justin Sufferable: Hold on! Khristopher Kardoucheian is headed our way.
[Khourtney feels his back. Rah walks over and grabs Khourtney by the neck and sends him back into the ring.]
Rick Hall: And now, we are joined by the Patriarch of the Kardoucheian Empire- Khristopher Kardoucheian. Welcome to the-
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Just shut the *BLEEP* up. My boys got screwed by MVW. That’s right. My sons. My stars. Who should be wrestling at Global Warfare before a worldwide audience? That’s right my sons! Ken, Koley, and Khourtney were screwed over by MVW. This is a perfect example of how NOT to treat your stars…your money makers…the ones these plebes want to see inside the ring.
Justin Sufferable: So for the record, you’re not happy at the decision made by Jill Berg.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: What the *BLEEP* do you think?
Rick Hall: Obviously no. But why-
Khristopher Kardoucheian: This is a joke…it’s a *BLEEP*-ing joke. My sons, the Kardoucheian Empire, represents everything that people in the sports entertainment industry aspires to be. Rich. Famous. And be the stars of their own hit, world famous, reality television show. I am sick and tired of being disrespected, and having my sons disrespected, by an organization who refuse to treat them like the stars they are! This is pathetic. Simply *BLEEP*-ing pathetic.
[Back in the ring, Rah drops the leg on Koley. Kourtney tries to attack from behind but Rah flips him over his back and then drops the leg on him.]
[Outside the ring, Halitosis and Ken Kardoucheian continue to brawl.]
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Let’s look at who Jill Berg took. Rah. *BLEEP*-ing Rah! Rah has been coasting on his 2010-2011 run in High Octane Wrestling for years now. He’s done nothing since except officiate a wedding and get his clock cleaned by Scott Stevens two years ago at the PCW Reunion show. Yes, he’s big. He’s strong. And he manages to attract the bottom feeders scraping the low end of the primordial gene pool as followers.
Rick Hall: I think you’re being a little harsh there.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: No, I’m not. His alleged followers are nothing more than former college sorority sisters who got crushed on national TV because they were caught taking the most ridiculous selfies during an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. I mean, when there was action on the field were they watching? No. They were too busy making duck faces and posing for their own selfies. And that’s why they got mocked by the Arizona broadcasters- and rightly so.
Justin Sufferable: Rah’s got some talent. Dawn McGill whipped him into shape for a match involving John Pariah in HOW and he came through with the win.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Rah’s a stiff. And speaking of stiffs, then there’s Halitosis. If you out in TV land haven’t heard of Halitosis before, there’s a good reason why. He stinks. Literally. For Christ‘s sake, the man’s finisher is his own bad breath. Seriously? You can’t make this *BLEEP* up. Halitosis is a career PCW mid-carder and he is at best talent enhancement who gets by with parlor tricks because he sucks at lucha libre. He’s done nothing….NOTHING…of note in his career except breathe on people.
Rick Hall: Halitosis’s career hasn’t been stellar. But he’s proven to be a wrestler who shows up week in and week out and puts everything he’s got into his craft.
Justin Sufferable: Including eating the world’s most revolting and repulsive foods to really make his already reekingly bad breath even more toxic and dangerous.
[Ken snap mares Halitosis and mounts the luchador with bad breath. While Koley turns Halitosis’s head to make sure he unleash his lethal breath on his brother, Ken throws lefts and rights until the referee starts the five count.]
Khristopher Kardoucheian: This is the team MVW sends to a big time event? My sons are killing them in the ring. No, MVW. They aren’t worthy. Send the Kardoucheians. We have a worldwide audience. We have a world famous reality TV show. We bring so much more to the table than…than…(he screeches out with a lot of frustration and anger) THEM!
Rick Hall: It certainly doesn’t help that Rah and Halitosis are outnumbered here three to two by the Kardoucheians.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Losers don’t make excuses Hall.
Justin Sufferable: Perhaps Dawn McGill needs to jump in and even the odds.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Dawn who?
[The camera cuts to McGill. She’s ignoring the action, sitting on a chair, and painting her toenails.]
Rick Hall: She doesn’t seem overly worried.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Again, Dawn who?
Rick Hall: Dawn McGill. She’s managing Halitosis. You know who she is, McGill has managed a few champions over the years-
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Dawn McGill? She’s sinfully delicious? How about she’s sinfully overrated and over the hill? You want to talk about someone who’s living off their past glories, McGill lucked into winning a lesser title at High Octane Wrestling in 2009 after she’d lost ALL of her previous matches beforehand and managed to lose every match afterwards. She won the golden ticket with a fluke win and ran back to PCW as soon as her luck ran out. She’s back to being a manager again because she’s all washed up, she’s getting old, and she’s run two wrestling companies into the ground.
Rick Hall: Well as you say that, nice move by Halitosis off the top rope and Dawn has to be pleased with her wrestler.
[The camera cuts to Dawn again. Now, she has her compact open and she’s focused on trying to fix a few rogue eyelashes.]
Justin Sufferable: To be fair, she’s never been one to be overly demonstrative.
Rick Hall: I think this all goes back to her ongoing issues with the ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann.
Justin Sufferable: Right you are Rick. This is Dawn’s passive aggressive protest against Mr. McMann and the way females are portrayed in sports entertainment. She’s making fun of how sports entertainment puts a premium on women being little more than eye candy instead of legitimate pro wrestlers by taking it to an extreme.
Rick Hall: And Mr. McMann is not happy about it.
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Enough! Look, it’s a nice story, but no one really cares. Dawn McGill is the STD that keeps coming back no matter how you try to prevent it. What she needs to do is retire, go home, marry some white trash jerk and be the barefoot and pregnant housewife she’s always been destined to become. She’s a spent force and nothing more than a walking peep show for all the degenerates in the crowd. She’s needs to get her old and fat *BLEEP* out of the way of the real talent in this company.
Rick Hall: I think she’s in really good shape. What do you think, Justin?
Justin Sufferable: Oh, I agree. She’s taken a few pounds off and looks absolutely stunning-
Khristopher Kardoucheian: ENOUGH! WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT A *BLEEP*-ING HAS-BEEN! WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE OF MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING!
Rick Hall: Um…like your sons?
Khristopher Kardoucheian: OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT MY SONS! What the *BLEEP*? Who else would I be talking about! I’m *BLEEP*-ing tired of it. I’m *BLEEP*-ing tired of my sons not being treated like the stars they are. They are superstars, well known all over the world for their work, and deserve a lot better treatment in this third rate, tinpot federation. I am not going to sit here and take this blatant disrespect. The Kardoucheian Empire deserves star treatment and Missouri Valley Wrestling had better focus on this issue and fix it really quick. Once we take care of these nobodies, we’re going to steamroll through the MVW tag team division and claim what is rightfully ours- the MVW Tag Team title.
[Back to the action, Rah and Khourtney lock up in the middle of the ring. Khourtney takes an armbar. Rah reverses out of it and slaps on his own armbar. Rah whips Khourtney into the ropes and connects with a back body drop. Khourtney lands hard on the mat back first.]
Rick Hall: Beautiful move by Rah!
Justin Sufferable: And look at his followers celebrate!
[The camera cuts to Rah’s followers. They are not paying attention to the action. They are busy taking selfies of themselves on their cell phones and then texting them onto their twitter accounts.]
Justin Sufferable: I’m beginning to think maybe the Arizona baseball announcers may have had a point there.
[Again, the camera pans over to the sorority sisters. They continue to make obnoxious faces, like the duck face expression among others, and take multiple selfies.]
Rick Hall: Yeah. I think so- WAIT A MINUTE!
[Koley whaps Halitosis from behind and the masked luchador staggers to the middle of the ring. Ken turns and drives him face first to the mat.]
Rick Hall: STAR-CROSSED STUNNER! THIS COULD BE IT!
Khristopher Kardoucheian: Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! COVER HIM! COVER HI-…WHERE’S THE *BLEEP*-ING REFEREE!
[As Ken hooks the leg and makes the pin, there’s one tiny little detail missing.]
[The camera zooms in on the other side of the ring. Dawn’s got referee Davey Keels in a full liplock and makes out with him on the ring apron.]
Khristopher Kardoucheian: WHAT THE *BLEEP* IS THIS!
Rick Hall: McGill’s distracting Davey Keels?
Justin Sufferable: I see tongue! I see tongue!
[Khristopher beats his fists on the table in frustration.]
Khristopher Kardoucheian: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!
Rick Hall: Yes, yes…but more importantly, she’s giving Halitosis time to recover.
[Ken slams his head on the mat three times. Then he relaxes which allows Halitosis to sit up and let loose.]
Rick Hall: BREATH! HALITOSIS HIT HIM WITH HIS BREATH!
[Ken falls to the mat and holds his throat as if he’s choking.]
Justin Sufferable: Oh, he got him good Rick.
[Halitosis rolls towards his corner and makes the tag to Rah.]
Rick Hall: Here we go! Rah’s on the attack!
[The Deity of the Sun spins Ken around and wraps his hands around Kardoucheian’s scrawny chicken neck before delivering a ring shaking choke slam.]
Rick Hall: SOLSTICE SLAM!
[Rah looks over at his faithful worshipers- they’re too busy taking selfies. Rah looks at the fans at ringside and signals it time to sacrifice Kardoucheian to the Temple of the Sunshine God. He places Ken between his legs and looks towards the heavens with arms stretched out soaking in the praise and worship of the fans.]
Khristopher Kardoucheian: STOP HIM!
[But before the other two Kardoucheians can react and after receiving the necessary strength from his faithful, Rah picks up Ken and drives him down onto the canvas.]
Rick Hall: EYE OF RAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Rah hooks the legs. McGill breaks away from kissing Davey Keels and points the referee towards the action.]
[Keels staggers over, falls to the mat, and slams his hand three times.]
Rick Hall: THAT’S IT!
[Khristopher tips over his chair and bolts to the ring.]
Justin Sufferable: Good win for Rah and Halitosis in their first match as a tag team-
Rick Hall: WATCH OUT!
[Khristopher Kardoucheian grabs referee Davey Keels and heaves him over the top rope. Koley and Khourtney again attack Halitosis on the outside. Rah sees this and charges. He leaps up and over the top rope and spears the unsuspecting Kardoucheians to the floor.]
Rick Hall: Wow!
Justin Sufferable: I did not know he could do that.
[Khristopher Kardoucheian then stalks Dawn McGill in the corner. He gets in her face, wags his finger, and unloads a torrid stream of profanity at her. McGill rolls her eyes and smiles.]
Rick Hall: He’s a little upset.
[McGill turns to jump down from the apron. But Khristopher grabs her by the shoulder and spins her around. Without missing a beat, Dawn kicks him in the balls with her heels, turns, grabs him by the back of the neck, and drops to the floor, bouncing Kardoucheian’s neck off the top rope and slingshotting him through the air to the mat.]
Rick Hall: And we’ve run out of time for tonight.
[Dawn ‘resets’ back into sports entertainment mode and giggles in a high-pitched, squeaky voice as the show ends.]