Missouri Valley Wrestling’s New Beginnings PPV

PRELUDE

Thunderbolt Smith (voiceover): When we last met.

REPLAY: MVWA 79 – November 26th, 2017
MVW Title Match: “Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay © vs. Charlie Blackwell of the SEC

SET UP:
[McAvay has his Deplorables at ringside with him including: West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy, both rocking the MVW Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys, General DeBauchery, resembling a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds and sports a black captain’s hat right out of World War II, Al Cahall- sporting his six pack abs…oh wait…that’s a six pack in front of his abs, Nic Koteen- who’s smoking which surely is violating some public ordinance somewhere, and finally, Bert the Janitor- who stares ‘funny’ at the camera holding up his mop.]

[Blackwell has the full complement from the Sports Entertainment Corporation with him with the exception of the Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens. Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver with ‘Young Hollywood’s’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt are there as well as ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and CSPN (Corporate SportsEntertainment Programming Nation) CEO Mark Splitter.]

[Also on hand, McAvay’s ex-wife and former manager, ‘Divalicious’ Dawn McGill.]

[Blackwell wraps a chain around Ray McAvay’s neck and tries to choke him out. Referee Davey Keels immediately acts.]

[Keels pushes Blackwell back and breaks the choke hold. Then he literally rips the chain out of Charlie’s hands and tosses it out of the ring.]

-cut-

Thunderbolt Smith: FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK! HE’S GOT IT LOCKED ON!

[In the midst of the chaos caused when the SEC and Les Miserables started brawling outside the ring, McAvay took one of Charlie’s legs, turned it 90 degrees, grabbed her other leg and crossed it with the other. Then he put one foot in between, the other on the other leg, and bridged over to lock in the figure-four.]

[To make matters worse, McAvay had Blackwell smack dab in the middle of the ring- a long, long way from help.]

Justin Sufferable: THUNDERBOLT, CHARLIE BLACKWELL IS IN A BAD, BAD PLACE. HE’S TOO FAR AWAY FROM THE ROPES AND THE SEC IS BUSY FIGHTING WITH THE LES MISERABLES AT RINGSIDE.

[Blackwell closes his eyes and sits up. He takes a couple swipes at McAvay and then falls backwards.]

-cut-

[Charlie reaches for the ropes but he’s just inches away.]

Justin Sufferable: I can’t believe Charlie’s made it this far. He’s running on fumes and pure instinct now.

[The pain registers all over Blackwell’s face as he stretches as far as he can stretch out with his arm. McAvay tries to do everything he can to stop Charlie.

Thunderbolt Smith: Just…about…there.

[Blackwell with one final push grasps the bottom rope and referee Davey Keels calls for a break.]

Thunderbolt Smith: HE DID IT!

Justin Sufferable: Unbelievable!   How did he do that?

-cut-

Thunderbolt Smith: Both men have given everything they have and here we are. Energy drained. I’ve witnessed a lot of matches over the past twelve years. I’ve seen matches with out of this world…crazy atmosphere. The animosity between McAvay and Blackwell is driving this match.

[Blackwell is on all fours and dead tired. McAvay leans against the top rope. He’s exhausted.]

Justin Sufferable: Thunderbolt, this has been Charlie Blackwell’s best match of the trilogy. But Ray McAvay has matched him every step of the way. Blackwell knows to win the MVW Men’s title, he has to stop at nothing to earn the right to call himself the MVW Men’s champion.

Thunderbolt Smith: But to do so, he’s got to figure out a way to get past a wrestler who is in the best form of his career.

[At that moment, ‘Divalicious’ Dawn McGill…who’s been quiet and watching the proceedings as they’ve unfolded…makes her move. Without saying a word to Mr. McMann or Mark Splitter, she first hops up on the ring apron and then slides through the ropes into the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Wait a minute! Dawn McGill-

Justin Sufferable: ‘Divalicious’ Dawn McGill.

Thunderbolt Smith: Whatever. She’s in the ring!

[Dawn slinks across the ring in a red, lacey one piece outfit that just barely covered her breasts and went down to mid-thigh level, copious makeup on her face, teased platinum hair right out of the 1980’s, and bright red lipstick on her lips over to her ex-husband Ray McAvay. McAvay’s not sure what’s going on.]

Justin Sufferable: Well? We wondered if this moment would come.

[She registers no real expression. McAvay tries to talk with her but she’s not responding.]

Thunderbolt Smith: There’s been so much that’s happened to these two over the past couple years. I’m sure there’s a lot of raw emotion still simmering between the-…HOLY CRAP!

[While Smith talks, McGill swings her right foot back and kicks McAvay as hard as she can…with her stilettos…right square in the balls. McAvay immediately drops to his knees as pain courses through his body.]

[CLOSE UP: Mr. McMann at ringside with a smug, self-satisfied look on his face. Then the camera pans over to Mark Splitter. He too looks on with enjoyment at the sight McGill’s swift kick to the balls of her ex-husband.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAVAY’S DOWN! McAVAY’S DOWN!

[Realizing the golden opportunity that lies before him, Blackwell crawls over to make the cover. He rolls McAvay over and hooks the legs.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WE COULD HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!

Justin Sufferable: Nope!

[Nope. The crowd roars because McGill has referee Davey Keels in the corner and she is kissing him.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? SHE BOOTS McAVAY’S TESTICLES INTO KANSAS AND NOW SHE’S MAKING OUT WITH DAVEY KEELS WHEN THE SEC COULD WIN THE MEN’S TITLE!

[A point not lost on Mr. McMann who’s screams at Dawn from the floor…and also Blackwell when he realizes the reason why Keels isn’t making the three count to make him the Men’s champion.]

Justin Sufferable: I have no idea what she’s doing, Thunderbolt. None.

Thunderbolt Smith: Charlie Blackwell gets up and he is not a happy man.

[Blackwell stomps over to Dawn…clasps her shoulder…and spins her around to face him. He demands to know what she’s doing. Dawn shrugs. That only makes Blackwell angrier. He gets right in her face and starts shouting at her. McGill stands there cool as all can be. Then knees Blackwell in the groin.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WHAT?

[Dawn steps back…takes her leg back and then whips it forward, driving her stiletto crashing into Blackwell’s testicles. Charlie turns pale.]

Thunderbolt Smith: HOLY CRAP!

[Blackwell bends over at a ninety degree angle. Dawn takes a side headlock. She slaps Blackwell on the back and drives him head first to the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: DDT! DDT! McGILL JUST DDT’D CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

[Dawn steps over the fallen Blackwell. She pulls him by the arm over to McAvay. Then Dawn throws Ray over Blackwell and points to Keels.]

[CLOSE UP: Mr. McMann yelling ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’]

Thunderbolt Smith: COVER!

[One.]

[Two.]

[THREE!]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: I DON’T BELIEVE IT! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! McAVAY RETAINS THE TITLE AND DAWN McGILL DOUBLE-CROSSED THE SEC!

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): McAvay’s win also set off a wild ringside melee when Corporate SportsEntertainment Programming Nation CEO Mark Splitter confronted Dawn McGill after the match.

[Mark Splitter confronts McGill in the ring. She stomps his foot…steps back…and thrusts her stiletto at Splitter’s head…catching him on the forehead and starting a gusher of a cut to bleed. Splitter collapses to the mat covering his forehead.]

–cut–

[Mr. McMann hops on the ring apron and starts screeching at Dawn. She brings him into the ring the hard way up and over the top rope. Then she plunges her hand towards McMann’s testicles, grabs them, and squeezes the hell out of them.]

Thunderbolt Smith: TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!

Justin Sufferable: Jesus! McMann’s face is turning blue!

–cut–

[With McMann’s testicles firmly in her hand and McMann himself close to passing out, MVW CEO Jill Berg comes to ringside.]

Jill Berg: Dawn. What do you want?

[McGill looks up at Jill and mouths ‘you know what I want.’.]

Jill Berg: Are you sure?

[Dawn pauses. Her eyes well up. She nods her head yes.]

Jill Berg: Okay. On one condition.

[Dawn nods again.]

Jill Berg: You know what you need to do, don’t you.

[Dawn mouths ‘yes.’]

Jill Berg: You need to go deal with your problems.

[Dawn mouths ‘I know.’]

Jill Berg: Then after tonight’s show, you are released from your MVW contract.

[Dawn mouths ‘thank you.’]

Jill Berg: Now, would you please let him go already. I’m not going to hear the end of this as it is.

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Dawn McGill went to rehab and dropped out of sight until she reappeared at MVWA 84 in July. Ray McAvay dropped the MVW title to fellow Les Miserable William Daniels Bryan in January of 2018 and for most of the year Bryan held a firm grip on the title. But without the Les Miserables backing him up…Ray McAvay underwent neck surgery in January 2018 to clean up an old injury, Bryan ran into an angry SEC in late July at MVWA 84 and lost the belt to Charlie Blackwell.

REPLAY: MVWA 84- William Daniels Bryan © vs. Charlie Blackwell for the MVW Title

13th MINUTE
[…Bryan turns around. He knees Blackwell in the mid-section and that doubles him over in pain. Bryan hoists Blackwell up high into the air and then body slams him down to the canvas. Bryan charges and nails Blackwell with a double axe handle shot to the back of the neck. Bryan covers…one…two…Blackwell kicks out. Bryan winds up and drops him with a right hand like a ton of bricks. Bryan pulls Blackwell back up to a vertical base and DDT’s him back to the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Bryan may have it!

14th MINUTE
[Bryan covers.]

[One…]

[Two…]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hold on! ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver pulled the referee out of the ring!

[Beaver does exactly that- he pulls the referee out of the ring and stops the count.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WHAT IS HE DOING?

Rick Hall: The SEC just came to Blackwell’s rescue.

[Bryan drops the pin attempt and confronts Beaver.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Bryan demands to know why Justin Beaver pulled the referee out of the ring!

Rick Hall: This is a mistake Thunderbolt. A big fat mis-

Thunderbolt Smith: KATAHAJIME!

[While Bryan argued with Beaver, Blackwell slaps on the Katahajime from behind. The referee gets back in the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Bryan’s stuck!

[The champion taps out.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: HE DID IT!

[Blackwell leaps to his feet. The first thing he does is point a finger right at former Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay.]

Thunderbolt Smith: CHARLIE BLACKWELL HAS FINALLY WON THE BIG ONE!

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds…AND NEW MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING CHAMPION- CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): That set off a series of intense matches between Blackwell and Bryan that cumulated earlier this month with this incident in Rolla, Missouri.

12/15/2018- MVW House Show- Rolla, MO

[In the ring after defeating Mr. Wrestling 43, Bryan gets jumped by the SEC (Charlie Blackwell, P.M.C. Banks, Kirk Walstreit. They cut Bryan down with steel pipes and chairs.]

[With Banks and Walstreit holding Bryan down, Blackwell places Bryan’s leg inside a steel chair and climbs up to the top of the turnbuckle. Blackwell jumps from the corner turnbuckle onto the chair- snapping the leg.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): With Bryan out of commission, MVW CEO Jill Berg announced on December 16th, 2018 that the Blackwell title defense against Bryan at MVW New Beginnings was cancelled. Berg added that since Blackwell was responsible for taking Bryan out, she was not going to let him know who his opponent at New Beginnings was going to be until right before the match takes places.

——————————————————

new-mvw-logo

Missouri Valley Wrestling Presents New Beginnings
Taped Saturday December 29th, 2018
Chaifetz Arena
St. Louis, MO

Announcers:
Thunderbolt Smith
“Long Haul” Rick Hall

——————————————————

[The people arena stand up and cheer as the pyros goes off along the stage where the wrestlers will enter tonight. The bottom part of the arena is filled. The top has a few people scattered about.]

[The camera zeroes in on the announcers at the commentary table. Smith is to the left. Hall, sporting a captain’s hat that makes him resemble the ‘Captain’ from the Captain and Tennille, is right of Smith.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hello and welcome to Missouri Valley Wrestling New Beginnings!

[A chant of ‘MVW! MVW! MVW!… breaks out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I am Thunderbolt Smith. He is a former wrestler and a hell of a color commentator, ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, good to be here tonight.

Thunderbolt Smith: Tonight, Missouri Valley Wrestling returns to Pay Per View for the first time in a long, long time. Charlie Blackwell finally broke through in July and won the MVW title from William Daniels Bryan at MVWA 84. Bryan was oh-so-close on winning back the belt at MVWA 85 and MVWA 86 and then Blackwell took him out two weeks ago.

Rick Hall: Blackwell deliberately took former champion William Daniels Bryan out two weeks ago so as of right now, we don’t know who Charlie’s opponent is going to be. MVW CEO Jill Berg won’t give the name out. MVW owner Jason Carmondy has supported her one hundred percent. It’s going to be interesting to see who gets the call to be in the match.

Thunderbolt Smith: Also tonight, Christa Carmondy puts the Women’s title on the line against the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin.

Rick Hall: Tessa Martin knows her time is running out. She’s been the Women’s champion before and she wants to reach the top again. This should be a good one.

Thunderbolt Smith: The Dork Dynasty have been at each other’s throats the past few months, but they’ve managed to hang on to the belts. Tonight, they get the Island of Misfit Wrestlers…Rah and Halitosis, managed by Regina McGill.

Rick Hall: Sheldon and Leonard Robertson don’t always get along. But they’ve managed to hold off Weapons of Mass Destruction and the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja and the Sports Entertainment Corporation aka…the SEC. Regina McGill has done a tremendous job in steering Rah and Halitosis back into title contention and they could very well win this match tonight.

Thunderbolt Smith: ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson has been the Heartland Champion for over fifteen months. Tonight, he faces SNAFU managed by Coach E.J. Flack.

Rick Hall: Dickinson has been a hell of a Heartland Champion. SNAFU has slowly and steadily moved up the ladder with help from E.J. Flack. Could this be the night Dickinson finally falls? It’s hard to bet against him, Thunderbolt. I’ll go with Dickinson over SNAFU tonight.

Thunderbolt Smith: All right, now that we’re all caught up, let’s run through the full card for tonight’s show.

[The full card appears on screen:]

Ken Worth-American Trucker vs. Jack Fraiser w/his Oootlander Blaire Rendell

‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler vs. Couch Potato

Three Way Tag Match:
Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and General George S. Patton (Deceased) vs. Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny w/Stan and April O’Neale vs. The SEC: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ Kirk Walstreit w/the SEC

‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller vs. Ultratron-Five

MVW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Christa Carmondy © vs. ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin

MVW HEARTLAND TITLE MATCH
‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson © vs. SNAFU w/Coach E.J. Flack

MVW 20 Woman Battle Royale Match

MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson w/Penny and Amy © vs. The Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and “The Luchador with Insanely Bad Breath” Halitosis w/Regina McGill

MAIN EVENT- MVW TITLE MATCH: Charlie Blackwell w/the SEC © vs. TBD]

——–

Thunderbolt Smith: Let’s get right to it! Let’s go to the ring and Kimber Marshall with our first match of the night.

——————————————————–

MATCH #1
Jack Fraiser w/his Oootlander Blaire Rendell

vs,

Ken Worth- American Trucker

——————————————————–

[Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall does the ring introductions.]

Kimber1
Kimber Marshall

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, our first match of the night is a one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: …with a twenty minute time limit. In the blue corner…

[The video screen comes to life:]

[It’s 1946 in the Scottish Highlands.

On the hill of Irish na Dun, British nurse Blaire Rendell hears the tell-tale buzzing sound as she approaches the standing stones. This makes her very happy.]

Blaire Rendell (Scottish accent): Soon, I’ll be back with my true love Jamie and I will be truly happy once again in eighteen century Scotland.

[Blaire goes to the standing stones where the buzzing sound gets louder and louder. Soon she faints and falls to the ground. When she wakes up…]

Voice (Canadian dialect): Hey. Look what we found here, eh?

[…Blaire becomes bewildered at what she sees. There’s snow. Lots of snow. And it’s very cold.]

Blaire Randall: JAMIE! JAMIE? JAM-AHHGH!

[Blaire nearly jumps in the air when she encounters the source of the voice. He is dressed in heavy plaid lumberjack shirt, a warm coat, and a tuque.]

Blaire Randall: Wh-who the hell are you?   And where the hell am I?

Canadian Guy: My name is Jack Fraiser. You are in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Canada.

Blaire Randall: Saskatoon…Saskatchewan Canada? That can’t be true. I’m supposed to be in Scotland.

[A hockey puck comes flying by just barely missing both of them.]

Canadian Guy: Nope. This is definitely Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Canada.

Blaire Randall: What year is this?

Canadian Guy: 2018.

[Blaire isn’t sure she heard him correctly.]

Blaire Randall: I’m sorry, you said what year?

Jack Fraiser: 2018.

Blaire slaps her forehead.

Blaire Randall: This can’t be. I’m supposed to be back in 1743. I’ve gone seventy-two years forward in time.

Jack Fraiser: Really? I didn’t see a DeLorean out there.

Blaire Randall: A DeLor-what?

Jack Fraiser: Um…yeah. I just graduated from the University of Saskatoon, eh? But now I’m becoming a pro wrestler.

Blaire Randall: A pro wrestler?

Jack Fraiser: And I need a valet. Will you be my Ooot-lander?

[Blaire’s disgusted by the whole situation.]

Blaire Randall: Oh…whatever. I need something to drink.

[Fraiser reaches into his bag and hands her a Molson. Blaire rips the can out of his hand, opens it up, and chugs it down.]

Kimber Marshall: …weighing in at 205 pounds tonight from Saskatoon, Saskatchewon and accompanied to the ring by his Oootlander Blaire Rendell…please welcome JACK FRAISER!

Thunderbolt Smith: Jack Fraiser has made a lot of noise over the past few months and nearly won the Heartland title from ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson. He’s going to get a battle tonight though.

Rick Hall: That’s right Thunderbolt. Jack’s made great progress. Ken Worth-the American Trucker will not be a pushover for him.

’Eastbound and Down’- Jerry Reed

Eastbound and down
Loaded up and trucking
We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.

Thunderbolt Smith: And here he comes now.

We’ve got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I’m eastbound just watch ol’ Bandit run

[Ken Worth walks out on stage. He gives a perfunctionary wave to the crowd and heads right to the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent…walking down the aisle right now…weighing in tonight at two hundred and twenty pounds from Gary, Indiana…he is the American Trucker…KEN WORTH!

[Worth climbs into the ring and goes to his corner.]

Kimber Marshall: Davey Keels is your referee for this match.

Rick Hall: Hang on to your hats. I didn’t think we’d see this day again but I’m glad to be here.

————————————–

Jack Fraiser
HT: 6”3” WT: 205 / HOME: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
FIN: Canadian Crusher
Valet: ‘Oootlander Blaire Rendell

Ken Worth- The American Trucker
HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 225 / HOME: Gary, IN
FIN: Jake Brake

Referee: Davey Keels

————————————–

[The bell rings and the match gets under way.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And the first match of Missouri Valley Wrestling’s New Beginnings has begun.

[Fraiser attacks right away as Worth doesn’t appear to be ready at the bell.]

********************

MATCH SUMMARY
Fraiser comes out and throws everything but the kitchen sink at Worth. Fraiser barely misses a cross body, but then trips up Worth on the apron and beats him down to the floor. Fraiser then goes for a springboard cross body to the floor. He overshoots slightly but still takes Worth down. Back in and the basement dropkick by Worth gets 2. Fraiser with corner clothesline and goes for a bulldog. Worth escapes and surprises Fraiser with a roll up pin…Fraiser kicks out at 2. Fraiser’s Oootlander Blaire Rendell distracts the referee allowing Fraiser to nail Worth with a steel folding chair. Fraiser follows with an elbow drop, but misses the splash. Again, Worth fails to take advantage. Fraiser hits a dropkick and makes a cover that gets 2.

Worth gamely tries to get back into to the match. Worth and Fraiser works some back and forth before the American Patriot hits some sloppy tackles and strikes that Fraiser shakes off. Fraiser cuts him off. Blaire sneaks in and pulls Worth to the floor.

********************

Thunderbolt Smith: Worth should be putting up a bigger fight here.

Rick Hall: I thought he would Thunderbolt.

[While Blaire has a ‘chat’ with the referee, Fraiser lays in some boots and a neck breaker. Fraiser immediately covers for 2.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I agree. Fraiser has Blaire Rendell in his corner and she’s made a difference.

[For the next two-minutes, Fraiser grounds Worth in a series of rest holds and makes a cover for 2. Worth escapes and hits a dropkick. Again Blaire Rendell jumps in cuts Worth off and tags him with a right hand. Fraiser follows with rights as the referee chases Blaire from the ring, and a neck breaker gets 2. Worth tries to work counters and work to the ropes. Fraiser rolls into the half crab but Worth is close enough to the ropes to force a break. Fraiser dropkicks Worth to the floor. Blaire Rendell heads over to take a couple of cheap shots and then throws him back in the ring. Fraiser takes control and grounds Worth again. Fraiser hits a plancha and then gets a cradle.]

Thunderbolt Smith: CRADLE BY FRAISER! ONE…TWO…WAIT! WORTH ROLLS THROUGH!

[But suddenly, Worth has Fraiser’s shoulders pinned to the mat.

Thunderbolt Smith: AFTER ALL THAT, COULD WORTH SOMEHOW PULL OUT THIS MATCH!

[One…]

[Two…]

Blaire Rendell runs in and flips Fraiser back on top. Referee counts…]

[One…

[Two…]

[THREE.]

*DING…DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: Nope! Fraiser gets the win.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at eight minutes and twenty seconds…JACK FRAISER!

[The referee raises Fraiser’s hand in victory.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Jack Fraiser with an impressive win over Ken Worth.

Rick Hall: Jack looked good. I thought Ken Worth would show a little bit more but give Fraiser credit.

———

BACKSTAGE
[Dawn McGill stands and paces back and forth in her dressing room. It’s officially Dawn’s first night back since MVWA 79 after dealing with her personal issues. She’s dressed to the nine’s tonight in a black halter top and miniskirt with a black pair of heels.]

Dawn McGill
HT: 6’ 0″ WT: 145 / HOME: Dallas, TX
FIN: McGill Bomb

[Generally, Dawn’s glad to be back. However, at the moment she glares at the door. Aggravated. She knows someone’s about to come calling.]

*KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK*

Dawn McGill: Go. Away-

[Enter ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann. The source of McGill’s aggravation.]

20170901_154627
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann

Mr. McMann: For God’s sake, Dawn. Everyone knows, the whole world knows, who really pulls the strings.  Corporations.  You knew I’d come calling tonight.

Dawn McGill: Not listening.

Mr. McMann: So, this is the return of Dawn McGill.  The little engine of the little train that ran out of steam last year and should have stayed in the scrap heap of unambitious failure.  And now it looks like you’re back.

Dawn McGill: That’s right.

Mr. McMann: Here’s a secret.  Even though Jill Berg released you from your contract last year. I still own you.

[Dawn rolls her eyes and shakes her head.]

Mr. McMann: Go ahead.  Roll your eyes at me.  You know damn well I’m right.

Dawn McGill: I am rolling my eyes at you.

Mr. McMann: You see, there was a clause in the contract you signed that said that I would have first refusal of your services in the event you left and then came back. That is, unless you’ve already signed on with another wrestler to manage. Which I don’t think you’ve done yet…haven’t you.

[Dawn turns her back on him.]

McMann: Here’s another secret for you that you’d better get used to.  Life is full of haves…and life is full of have-nots.  The haves are successful, wealthy, powerful; the have-nots serve the haves.   The haves get to experience sporting events in the front row, they get to party in the luxury suites, music concerts, special events.  The have-nots?  They wish they had the income to go to a baseball game…football game…any big time sports.  They wish they could afford go see big time concerts.  No, the haves get to spend holidays with their families.  The have-nots serve the haves on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter.

[McGill whirls around.]

Dawn McGill: Then I’ll stand with the have nots. And I’ll do it my way.

Mr. McMann: Dawn, I can make you a lot of money. I just need you to play ball with me. Join the SEC.

Dawn McGill: Not going to happen.

Mr. McMann: I’ll say it again, you need to give up this pipe dream and rejoin the SEC.

[Dawn twirls a strand a hair and thinks.]

Dawn McGill: Mr. McMann. I appreciate your offer but I will continue on the same path that I’ve set out on. I will NOT sell out my soul to your corporate greed.

Mr. McMann: Be realistic! You can’t succeed without the SEC. You need the SEC a lot more the SEC needs you.

Dawn McGill: And you’re not going to use your ‘corporate might’ to coerce me into doing something, that in my heart, I know is not the right path for me to go.

[Dawn points to the door.]

Dawn McGill: Get out.

[McMann turns and heads for the door.]

Mr. McMann: You can’t beat the SEC Dawn.

[Then he stops and looks back at Dawn.]

Mr. McMann: You just can’t.

[Cut back to Smith and Hall at the broadcast desk.]

Thunderbolt Smith: This battle between Mr. McMann and Dawn McGill has been going on for years and I don’t see any end in sight.

Rick Hall: He’s tried so hard to get her in to work for him. And she’s somehow found a way every time to escape working for him.

Thunderbolt Smith: Like at MVWA 76 in 2017

Rick Hall: Exactly.

REPLAY: 7/10/2017-MVWA 76 McGill and McMann Segment

[Mr. McMann in the middle of the ring. He holds a thick book in one hand- presumably the ‘script’ for the show.]

Mr. McMann: …The new CEO of Missouri Valley Wrestling Jill Berg had the foresight to offer me the booking of MVW and I can announce right here in this very ring that I’ve signed on.

[More boos. Mr. McMann grins and holds up what appears to be a contract.]

Mr. McMann: In my hand is a contract. However, it’s not a contract for me. No, it’s a contract for one Dawn Marie McGill. You know, the former owner of PCW. Dawn McGill is also a contracted wrestler-slash-personality here in MVW and you’ll be surprised to hear that I actually want her to stay on. MVW could use someone with her skill set…the bad ass female manager type. Of course, we’ll have to water her character down just a bit to make it compatible with sports entertainment best practices.

[McMann nods as tries to elicit some sort of a positive reaction from the crowd. It doesn’t work.]

Mr. McMann: So, without any further ado, I think we should bring out Miss McGill to welcome her and to talk about her role in the new Missouri Valley Wrestling. Dawn? Come on out!

[McGill walks out onto the stage and much to the surprise of TV audience, she seemed to be ‘dolled up’ more than usual. Her hair is now platinum blonde. She has a ton of makeup on her face with bright red lipstick. She also sports a gold strapless dress that only went down to her mid thighs with a pair of killer gold heels.]

[Close up- Mr. McMann seems surprised at McGill’s clothing choices. Very surprised. As in, jaw dropping surprised.]

[McGill starts down to the ring. She stops about midway down. Sees a cute guy in the front row. She goes over and plants a kiss on his lips and then the side of his face leaving clear lipstick marks on his cheek.   McGill giggles and continues to the ring. She climbs up onto the ring apron, raises her arms in the air, and poses for the crowd. Then she slides through the ropes.]

Dawn McGill (in a high, squeaky voice): Sports entertainment blonde bombshell Dawn McGill reporting for duty.

[She then giggles in an obnoxious high-pitched tone.]

Mr. McMann: What the hell is going on here!

[McMann shakes the thick script at her.]

Mr. McMann: You’ve gone completely off the script!

Rick Hall: Yeah, obviously this wasn’t what Mr. McMann had in mind.

Mr. McMann: This isn’t what I had in mind.

Dawn McGill: Why, what do you mean?

Mr. McMann: This isn’t what MVW signed you for and what we’re paying you for. What happened to the six foot demolition machine in a short skirt?

Dawn McGill: Why Mr. McMann, I’m a new convert to sports entertainment! In fact, not only do I love sports entertainment…

[She kneels down in front of him.]

Dawn McGill: …I worship sports entertainment.

[She makes a sour face.]

Dawn McGill: Oooh. And boy does it stink down here.

[McGill waves her hand in front of her nose.]

Dawn McGill: Peee-ewwwww!

[Then she throws her head back and giggles.]

[McMann stares down at her. He can’t tell if this is a joke or what.]

Dawn McGill: I decided if I can’t beat you…I should join you.

[Then she points to the video screen.]

Dawn McGill: In true sports entertainment form.

[The video screen comes to life. Backstage. Dawn is standing there dressed in ‘normal’ clothes and her ‘normal’ hair color. The camera zooms out to bring the Couch Potato into the shot and he’s got a remote control in his hand. Apparently, it’s some sort of ‘magic’ remote control because Couch Potato points it at McGill and magically transforms her from the six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt into Sports Entertainment Barbie.]

[Perplexed, McMann is like ‘what?’]

Dawn McGill: Here are my brand new best friends.

[Rah, Halitosis, and the Couch Potato walk down and climb into the ring. They line up behind McGill.]

Dawn McGill: The Island of Misfit Wrestlers!

{McMann acts as if he wants to pull his hair out. He looks down once again at what he thought would be his crown jewel. He’s embarrassed because McGill’s crossed him up yet again.]

[McGill teases and twirls her hair for no reason whatsoever.]

[McMann quakes in his shoes and finally let’s out his frustration.]

Mr. McMann: GAH!!!

[He shakes his head and just leaves the ring.]

Mr. McMann (off screen): GAH!!!

Rick Hall: Passive Aggressiveness- one. Sports Entertainment- zero.

Thunderbolt Smith: You’d think he’d get the hint after a while.

Rick Hall: Really.

Thunderbolt Smith: For a different perspective, let’s go backstage to Blair Moise who’s with Ray McAvay. Blair?

MEN OF THE PEOPLE
[Backstage reporter Blair Moise has ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay and the former MVW Champion ‘The Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan with her. Bryan is on crutches. One leg is encased in a cast. ]

20170901_111213
Blair Moise

Blair Moise: Ray…W.D.B., welcome back. Ray, I know you’ve been out of action since January earlier this year after you lost the MVW Title to W.D.B. How is your neck and how are you feeling?

Ray McAvay: I’m feeling great, Blair. Thank you. It was good to get away from pro wrestling for a while but it’s good to be backstage here tonight.

Blair Moise: William?

William Daniels Bryan: Blair, when you step foot in the ring with Ray McAvay, you know you’re going to get your money’s worth. And I did. And most importantly, our fans did.

Blair Moise: Ray, your thoughts on what’s going on.

Ray McAvay: It’s no secret that me and my ex-wife Dawn McGill have had a bumpy ride the past couple of years. There’s been good times. There’s been bad times. But let me make this perfectly clear. When it comes to taking on the likes of ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann…CSPN…Mark Splitter …Dawn McGill has my full and complete support.

Blair Moise: William, Charlie Blackwell took you out of commission two weeks ago.

William Daniels Bryan: It’s not just Blackwell, Blair. It’s the whole SEC. I can’t say I’m surprised at what Mr. McMann and the Sports Entertainment Corporation have done. They’ve never cared about ordinary fans. Large corporations and big money special interests have an inherent advantage and it’s called money and power.  Who do you think has a better chance of prevailing?  Ordinary Americans or a multi-billion dollar company with access to important political players? My leg will heal. Our cause will go on, no matter who leaves here tonight as the new MVW Champion.

Blair Moise: I know that regardless of who becomes the champion tonight, I’m sure you’re thinking about how to bring back the Les Miserables.

William Daniels Bryan: We can make this work but we have to do it together.  We have to stand up to those who only have a narrow self-interest in enriching themselves.  Who are we like?  Lower league English football teams who are fighting against a proposal that benefits only the top tier, big money, Premier League teams at the expense of access to the Football League.  Who are we like?  The Mid-American Conference in big time college sports- especially football and basketball.  The rules and the money favor the so-called power conferences.  Who are we? Small businesses.  Mom and Pop stores.  Going up against huge, well financed corporations who have all the advantages.  Who are we…we are Missouri Valley Wrestling!  And as long as I’m part of MVW, we are not going down without a fight! We will not be crucified on big corporation’s or big money special interest group’s cross of gold!

Blair Moise: When could we see Ray McAvay back in the ring?

Ray McAvay: Blair, that’s not important. You know, I’m looking back of the past few years of my wrestling career and I can honestly state that I’ve gathered up memories that are going to be with me for the rest of my life. One story that’s always stuck out to me happened when I was with another wrestling company a couple years ago. We were on a long ride through the great state of Indiana in a bus, we stopped in Pendleton, Indiana…just east of Indianapolis…and I met this man who used to work for Intel.

[The camera zooms in on Ray.]

Ray McAvay: This gentlemen was a huge wrestling fan and wanted to meet me so I took a few minutes and spoke to him. I found out that he’d lost his job as a design manager last year due to job cuts. Intel’s cuts really hit hard on workers over forty and this fan was no different. The sad thing is that there was nothing I could do or say to take away his pain except shake the man’s hand and offer him positive affirmation…and thank him for being a fan. Mr. McMann, the SEC, they don’t get it. They clearly are doing this to further their agendas. I wrestled for the fans. I wrestled for people like the former Intel employee. I wrestled for the people who paid their hard earned income to come here tonight.

[McAvay points to the camera.]

Ray McAvay: I wrestled for folks like you.

[McAvay pauses.]

Ray McAvay: I was never in this for personal fame or glory. I was in this to entertain. To help people, like the former Intel employee, forget real life for a couple of hours. I have my own way- the McAvay way- what I can say? And my way is different from most professional wrestlers. I’m an average schmuck. I show up. Punch in. Shut up. And get to work. My job was to go out to the ring and put on the best show possible for the fans. When I return to the ring, that will remain my one and only focus.

[McAvay exits. The camera refocuses on Blair.]

Blair Moise: Ray McAvay, ladies and gentlemen. Back to you Thunderbolt.

[Cut to Smith and Crowder at the broadcast desk.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Let’s go to the ring for our second match of the night.

——————————————————–

MATCH #2
‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler

vs.

Couch Potato

——————————————————–

[Ring announcer Kimber Marshall is ready to introduce the contestants.]

Kimber Marshall: Our second match is one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first, weighing in at three hundred and five pounds…from Michigan City, Indiana…he is the BIGGGGGG HUNNNN-GRY…COUCH POTATO!

[The audience applauds as the three hundred pound plus Couch Potato ambles down to the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Couch Potato making his way to the ring.

[The MVW fans throw their semi-traditional shower of Twinkies into the ring- like the Ring of Honor tradition of throwing streamers into the ring before a match.]

[MVW ring technicians quickly swoop in to clear the ring and end up fighting Couch Potato for the Twinkies.]

Kimber Marshall: His opponent…

*’Country Boy Can Survive’- Hank Williams Jr.*

Kimber Marshall: …weighing in tonight at two hundred and fifty-five pounds. From Beaumont, Texas, ‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler!

[Butler walks out. Cowboy hat. Wrestling tights with the Texas flag on the right thigh. Black vest.]

The preacher man says it’s the end of time
And the Mississippi River she’s a goin’ dry
The interest is up and the Stock Markets down
And you only get mugged
If you go downtown

[Butler raises his arms in the air and starts his way down to the ring.]

I live back in the woods, you see
A woman and the kids, and the dogs and me
I got a shotgun rifle and a 4-wheel drive
And a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

[He rolls into the ring and starts warming up.]

Because you can’t starve us out
And you can’t makes us run
Cuz we’re them old boys raised on shotgun
And we say grace and we say Ma’am
And if you ain’t into that we don’t give a damn

————————————————-

‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler
HT: 6′ 4″  WT: 255 / HOME: Beaumont, TX
FIN: Texas Lariat

Couch Potato
HT: 5’ 11” WT: 306 / HOME: Michigan City, IN

Referee: Davey Keels

————————————————–

*DING-DING*

[Butler and Couch Potato exchange ‘pleasantries.’ Couch Potato then becomes distracted by the ring technician munching on a couple of the Twinkies at ringside.]

Thunderbolt Smith: The match is under way but both men don’t seem to realize it.

Rick Hall: I’m sure there’s strategy involved here Thunderbolt. Not sure what it is, but I’m sure there’s strategy involve-

[Suddenly from behind, Butler rolls up Couch Potato into a big ball.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SCHOOLBOY ROLL UP! COVER!

[The referee slides in.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

[Butler jumps up and pumps his fist in the air. Couch Potato is stunned with the result.]

Rick Hall: What just happened?

Thunderbolt Smith: I have no freakin’ clue. Butler came up from behind, pushed Couch Potato into the ropes, and rolled him into a pinning position.

[Ring announcer Kimber Marshall is back in the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at twenty-nine second…’COWBOY’ DAN-N-N-N BUTLER!

[The referee raises Butler’s arm in victory.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I don’t think he thought it would have been THAT easy.

Rick Hall: Well, that could get the Cowboy back in title contention.

Thunderbolt Smith: Cowboy Dan Butler gets the win here at MVW’s New Beginning’s Pay Per View.

[Couch Potato rolls out of the ring and takes chase after the ring tech with the Twinkies.]

———-

YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON ME, BABY
[Cut to MVW backstage reporter Blair Moise.]

Blair Moise: Blair Moise here backstage. I’m with the Sports Entertainment Corporation’s official mouthpiece…Phil Finebaum.

[Finebaum steps into the shot.]

Phil Finebaum: Blair.

Blair Moise: In just a few minutes, the Sports Entertainment Corporation will take on two tough tag teams in the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja…

Phil Finebaum: Pffffft.

Blair Moise: …and Weapons of Mass Destruction…a tag team that you have had harsh words with over the past couple months.

Phil Finebaum: Yes. I think it’s a sad commentary on our discourse when a simple, innocent statement pointing out the obvious explodes into a radioactive exchange.

Blair Moise: Explodes? Radioactive?

Phil Finebaum: I’m merely pointing out that the SEC has an extensive cache of heavy duty weaponry between P.M.C. Banks and Kirk Walstreit that outguns any of our opponents in Missouri Valley Wrestling. It’s not my fault A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb are oversensitive and can’t handle the truth.

Blair Moise: Don’t you think the choice of words you used might have been just a little incendiary?

Phil Finebaum: Incendiary. Good one.

Blair Moise: Thanks.

Phil Finebaum: The SEC is the elite of the elite. If you’re not in the SEC, you simply don’t matter. And yes, I’m talking to you A-Bomb and H-Bomb.

Blair Moise: You just keep firing one ballistic missile after another.

Phil Finebaum: Seriously Blair, the fallout from a simple innocent statement is just ridiculous and it irradiates the conversation with fiery and apocalyptic rhetoric.

Blair Moise: I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.

Phil Finebaum: It’s simple, Blair. If you step into the ring with us you risk incineration. WMD. If you want a war. If you want to fight the best of the best that Missouri Valley Wrestling has to offer? We’ll give it to you. And it’ll be short…

[As Finebaum speaks, two rather hulking gentlemen walk into the shot and stand behind him.]

*Photo- A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb.

Phil Finebaum: …because we…

[A-Bomb taps his finger on Finebaum’s shoulder.]

Phil Finebaum: …the SEC are better than you…

[Finebaum turns his head and sees Weapons of Mass Destruction behind him.]

Tom Bomb (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
HT: 6′ 3″  WT: 315 / HOME: Alamogordo, NM

FIN: Atomic Powerbomb

Hy Drogen Bomb (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
HT: 6′ 3″  WT: 320 / HOME: Alamogordo, NM

FIN: Hydrogen Powerbomb

Phil Finebaum: …are?

[A-Bomb smiles.]

Phil Finebaum: Um…can I help you?

Then he spins Finebaum around…lifts him up in the air…and slams him hard to the floor.]

Phil Finebaum: Ow…

[Their work done, A-Bomb and H-Bomb exit stage left leaving Blair in the shot.]

[After a few awkward seconds, she glances down at Finebaum’s crumpled heap splatted on the floor and shakes her head.]

Blair Moise: You definitely got one thing right. It was short.

[Cut back to Smith and Hall. Hall has a wry smile on his face.]

Thunderbolt Smith: We are ready to go. Let’s take it to the ring!

======================

MATCH #3-THREE WAY TAG TEAM MATCH:
Sports Entertainment Corporation: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with a Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ Kirk Walstreit with Mr. McMann, Charlie Blackwell, ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver,
‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt

vs.

The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny with Stan and April O’Neale

vs.

Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb with General George S. Patton (Deceased) and Daisy Cutter-Bomb

======================

[Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall is ready to go.]

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. Our next match is a three way exhibition tag team match scheduled for one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first. Team number one. Led to the ring by the ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and the ‘King of Greed’ Gordon Guyko! Weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and sixty pounds. Please welcome the team of P.M.C. Banks and Kirk Walstreit…THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION!

’Party Wherever We Go (SEC Theme Song)- Robert Randolph and the Family Band

[Mr. McMann appears first. He’s followed by P.M.C. Banks, Guyko, and Kirk Walstreit to the stage. Also walking out, MVW Champion Charlie Blackwell, ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver, ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt.]

Start in the morning
Go all night
Waited all week
It’s time to come alive
Biggest stage
Brightest lights
Down in Tuscaloosa
Yeah, it’s Roll Tide

Thunderbolt Smith: The SEC is back in full force tonight.

Over in South Carolina
Gamecocks they’re ready to fight
How bout them Dawgs in Georgia?
Kentucky Wildcats bite
Out on the Bayou
There’s a Tiger loose
Florida orange and blue
The Gators are coming for you

[Walstreit walks around the ring holding up a velvet painting of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit.]

Rick Hall: That always unnerves me for some reason.

Any place, any time
Don’t be late to get in line
To party wherever we go!

SEC…

Kimber Marshall: Team number two.

[The BBSPN hit the ring with their theme song.]

Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja Theme (sung to the tune of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song)

Beer bellied softball playing ninja
Beer bellied softball playing ninja
Beer bellied softball playing ninja
Heroes with a six pack (of beer!)
SOFTBALL POWER!”

Kimber Marshall: Accompanied to the ring by Stan and April O’Neale…weighing in tonight at a combined weight of five hundred and sixty-one pounds. Tiny. Hank…

[April O’Neale strolls out to join the BBPSN.]

Kimber Marshall: …they are the BEER BELLIED SOFTBALL PLAYING NINJA!

[Tiny and Hank bound around the ring and nearly knock over Gordon Guyko.]

Rick Hall: The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja are always a tough team to put down.

Kimber Marshall: Finally, Team number three. Accompanied by the ring by their kid sister Daisy Cutter-Bomb and a life size wooden statue of General George S. Patton carved out a hickory tree…weighing in at a combined weight of six hundred and thirty-five pounds…

[Daisy comes out first pulling a wagon with the wooden statue of General Patton inside. Then A-Bomb and H-Bomb follow.]

Kimber Marshall: …they are Advocates of the American Military Complex…A. Tom Bomb…Hy Drogen Bomb…WEAPONS OF MASS DEEEEEE-STRUCT-TION!

’Hit Me Like a Bomb’- Third Day

Thunderbolt Smith: This is one of the roughest and toughest tag teams you will ever see in a ring.

You hit me like a bomb
And everything I’m used to
Is suddenly gone
Sorry to accuse you
Do you know what you’ve done
When you hit me like a bomb

[A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and Daisy arrive at ringside. A-Bomb and H-Bomb roll in and circle the ring shouting at the top of their lungs.]

Hear the sound of the sirens ringing
See the world of a life that’s changing
Well you hit me like a bomb
I was scared and I started running
Can’t say I never saw it coming
When you hit me like a bomb

Thunderbolt Smith: This is going to be fun.

(La la la la la la la la…)

Rick Hall: I think on balance, the SEC has the best team out there. But with three teams in the match, it’s going to be a crapshoot.

Thunderbolt Smith: We will see how this goes.

[Kimber climbs out of the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I would say we’re about to get started but I don’t see a referee in the ring quite yet.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

[The crowd falls to a hush at the sound of Jill Berg’s March music blaring over the loudspeakers. All three teams stand motionless in their respective corners.]

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

[The crowd erupts when the video screen shows the door to a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.]

Policeman: “Ms. Berg. It’s time.”

[The door opens and eight male bodyguards walk out of the dressing room encircling a petite 95 pound woman and her male assistant in the middle. The woman, dressed in a smart, dark business suit and heels, is busy talking on her cell phone.   The man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.]

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

Thunderbolt Smith: And here she comes. The self-made entrepreneur from New York City’s Financial District is coming to the ring!

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

[A huge roar greets the procession as it emerges from the back onto the stage and starts their way down the ramp.]

Kimber Marshall: PLEASE WELCOME…MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING’S CEO…THE PHENOMENON KNOWN AS-

The crowd is rocking and a chant of “JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG! JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG!” fills the air.

Kimber Marshall: JILLLLLLLL…BERGGGGGG!

jill-berg-small

[Two of the bodyguards use a fire extinguisher to create a fog like effect as Jill walks through. Two others hold sparklers up in the air as she passes by.]

Thunderbolt Smith: JILL BERG IS HERE!

“JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG! JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG!”

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

[Jill Berg salutes the crowd walking the long march down to the ring.]

“JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG! JILLLLLLLL-BERGGGGGG!”

[Jill is helped into the ring. She commandeers a microphone.

Jill Berg: I’ll try not to take too much time here. First off, welcome to Missouri Valley Wrestling’s New Beginnings Pay Per View!

[The crowd rises to their feet and cheers.]

Jill Berg: It’s been a long year. It’s great to be back. And we’re going to have a great show tonight. I have two things to announce. First, the first pinfall that takes place will determine the winner of the match.

Thunderbolt Smith: So this is not going to be an elimination match.

Rick Hall: Interesting. Usually, Jill prefers three way elimination matches.

Thunderbolt Smith: Exactly.

Jill Berg: Secondly, for this match I’ve decided that we’re going to have a special referee.

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh?

Jill Berg: Ladies and gentlemen…

[Berg grins…it’s almost a mischievous…even roguish grin.]

Jill Berg: The guest referee for this match is…I mean…guest referees for this match is…’No Frills’ Chris Escondido and ‘Not Just Intolerable…Not Just Unbearable…he is…’ Justin Sufferable!

[Again the crowd cheers.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh, YES!

Rick Hall: Son of a bitch.

[Escondido and Sufferable walk to the ring wearing official MVW referee shirts.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Jill just lobbed a couple of grenades into this match and their name are Chris Escondido and Justin Sufferable!

Rick Hall: I think this is a good idea. Two of the teams are a handful for one. Three may be too much. Jill made the right call here.

[Escondido and Sufferable climb into the ring. After checking all three teams. They call for the bell.]

————————————————————

Sports Entertainment Network
P.M.C. Banks (Sports Entertainment Corporation)
HT: 6′ 1″  WT: 230 / HOME: New York City, NY
FIN: Bank Statement
Kirk Walstreit – ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit.’
HT: 6’ 2” WT: 220, HOME: New York City, NY
FIN: Stock Market Plunge
Valets: Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt

Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja
Hank
HT: 6′ 0″ WT: 216 / HOME: Urbana, OH
FIN: Ninja Nunchucks
Tiny
HT: 6′ 6″ WT: 345 / HOME: Middletown, IN
FIN: The Big Belch
Valet: April O’Neale

Weapons of Mass Destruction
A. Tom Bomb (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
HT: 6′ 3″  WT: 315 / HOME: Alamogordo, NM
FIN: Atomic Powerbomb
Hy Drogen Bomb (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
HT: 6′ 3″  WT: 320 / HOME: Alamogordo, NM
FIN: Hydrogen Powerbomb
Valet: Daisy Cutter-Bomb

Special Referees: ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and ‘Not Just Intolerable…Not Just Unbearable…he is…’ Justin Sufferable

————————————————

*DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And we are underway.

[H-Bomb and A-Bomb immediately go after Banks…Hank and Tiny- Walstreit.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Right off the bat, the SEC is getting double-teamed.

[Walstreit fends off Hank and tosses Tiny through the ropes to the floor. MVW Champion Charlie Blackwell is waiting there for him and he gets in a few shots.]

[April O’Neale is on the apron distracting Banks and Walstreit.]

[Daisy Cutter-Bomb is in both referee’s ear. Both Escondido and Sufferable tries to shoo her away and keep their focus on the match.]

[Banks with a right hand- down goes H-Bomb. Walstreit hits a single leg takedown on Hank. Walstreit scoots over to the left and clocks Tiny trying to get back into the ring. Banks tosses A-Bomb out of the ring.]

Colleen Crowder: NOOOO! This is not happening!

[The Red Brand side of the arena roar their approval.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Walstreit and Banks clear the ring. Hank, Tiny, A-Bomb, and H-Bomb regroup on the floor.

[Well, if regroup equals skirmishing on the floor. All four have a go at each other and brawl.]

Rick Hall: And here we go!

Thunderbolt Smith: It started with Hank hammering A-Bomb with a right hand. Tiny then joined in and delivered a couple right hands. Then-

[Walstreit climbs to the top rope. Balance. Jump. Land on Hank, A-Bomb, and Tiny sending them scattering outside the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Walstreit takes to the air and barrels into three men.

[Walstreit rubs his head lying on the floor. Hank, A-Bomb, and Tiny try to clear their heads.   Banks climbs up on the ropes and prepares to jump.]

Rick Hall: Check that, Sufferable and Escondido are going to have their hands full.

[Banks is still preparing to jump off the ropes to the floor. But now, he doesn’t see H-Bomb sneaking from behind.]

Thunderbolt Smith: H-Bomb right behind Banks and he doesn’t see him.

[H-Bomb pulls Banks down and spins him 180 around.]

*WHAM*

[Right hand by H-Bomb and Banks staggers right and then left. H-Bomb goes to whip Banks across the ring. Banks reverses and send H-Bomb instead. Banks bends over…H-Bomb stops and delivers a forearm to the back of the neck.]

Thunderbolt Smith: They’re brawling in the ring and out of the ring.

[Outside the ring, Walstreit engages with Tiny and drives right hands to the face. Hank comes in from behind and nails Walstreit with a right hand to the square of the back.]

[H-Bomb whips Banks to the corner of the ring. Then he charges forward right into the waiting right hand of Banks. H-Bomb drops like a shot.]

[Tiny turns the tables on Walstreit and traps him against the steel barricade. He throws right hand punches. Next to him, Hank also has A-Bomb trapped against the barricade and he delivers right hands.]

[Banks body slams H-Bomb hard to the mat. H-Bomb crawls out of the ring just in time for Lawrence Tiny to climb back in. He engages Banks.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Now it’s Tiny with a right hand. And another!

[Banks is rocked by Tiny’s rights. Tiny goes to whip him to the ropes. Banks reverses and flings Tiny for an Irish Whip.   Banks lifts Tiny on the return and side slams him to the floor.]

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, it hurts me just watching this. Wow.

[While Tiny spazs in pain on the mat, outside the ring Walstreit takes A-Bomb by the head and drives it into the ring apron.]

[Now it’s Hank who finds her way back into the ring. With Banks’s back turned to her, she jumps off the corner turnbuckle and latches on a Sleeper Hold.]

Thunderbolt Smith: HANK HAS THE SLEEPER ON!

Rick Hall: This could be it.

[Banks bends forward and somehow manages to flip Hank over him.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Banks gets out of it.

Rick Hall: Watch out!

[A-Bomb superkicks Hank. Tiny picks up a steel chair and whaps A-Bomb.]

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s going now.

[Tiny whacks Kirk Walstreit with the chair. He does it a second time and sends Walstreit reeling into the steel barricade.]

Thunderbolt Smith: TINY IS GOING NUTS! NOW HE’S GOT A HUBCAP!

Rick Hall: A hubcap? Who the hell brought the hubcap-

*WHAP*

[Tiny blasts Banks in the head with the hubcap. A-Bomb finds a Singapore cane under the ring.]

*WHAP*

[And that ends Tiny’s rampage.]

Rick Hall: And the Singapore cane. Where did that come from?

Thunderbolt Smith: No clue. But Tiny’s been busted open with that cane shot.

Rick Hall: This is just chaos.

[A-Bomb pulls Banks up and slings him over the steel barricade. Walstreit whips Hank into the steel ring post outside the ring. Tiny, half-blinded from the A-Bomb cane shot, is handed a cookie sheet from someone in the crowd and potatoes H-Bomb in the face with it.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Wow!

Rick Hall: Why haven’t Sufferable and Escondido retaken control of this match? This is a brawl.

[The answer is: while the carnage continues outside the ring, both Sufferable and Escondido are having an ongoing animated argument with Mr. McMann on the ring apron.]

Chris Escondido: THAT’S IT! GET OUT!

Thunderbolt Smith: WHAT?

[McMann can’t believe what he’s just heard. Escondido points to the back.]

Rick Hall: Wait a minute! Is Chris Escondido sending Mr. McMann to the back?

Thunderbolt Smith: Yes he is.

[Escondido signals to the back. MVW Security come out to escort McMann to the back.]

Rick Hall: This could be a blow to the SEC. What was McMann upset about?

Thunderbolt Smith: Mr. McMann was complaining about the ‘extreme’ nature of the match.

[Meanwhile while the Escondido-McMann brouhaha went on, this has been going on outside the ring…

Hank sneaks in and low bridges Walstreit. Banks immediately comes careening around the corner and double clotheslines Hank and A-Bomb. Banks tries to climb back into the ring but Tiny and H-Bomb drag him off the rope. Walstreit gets loose and shoves H-Bomb face first onto the ring apron.

Walstreit finally manages to get back into the ring, followed by Tiny. Walstreit rushes over and clotheslines Tiny over the top rope back to the floor. Walstreit then whips himself into the opposite ropes and propels himself onto Tiny on the floor! He flings Tiny into the steel guardrail and goes for a splash…but Hank pulls Tiny out of the way. A-Bomb’s chair shot sends Banks to the floor. Hank tries to takes advantage of the confusion. He leaps off the top rope and drives Banks into the steel guardrail. Hank hooks A-Bomb. Suplex on the floor! Tiny and H-Bomb double team Walstreit…]

[Back to the current action…]

Thunderbolt Smith: McMann has finally gone to the back.

[Well…not for long. CSPN CEO Mark Splitter comes right back out with McMann.]

Mark Splitter: CSPN paid a lot of money for the SEC to be successful. It is not acceptable to put them at a disadvantage by sending their leader to the back.

[MVW fans disapprove.]

[Splitter taunts Escondido and does a victory dance at ringside. McMann starts up again.]

[Banks rolls out of the ring. Hank now engages with H-Bomb. He hammers him with rights and drives him to a seated position against the ropes.]

Rick Hall: Really, no team has established themselves to be in control of the match.

[Hank calls for a chair. April O’Neale obliges. She places the chair in front of H-Bomb’s face and backs up. Hank races across, leaps into the air, and stomps the holy Hell out of the chair into H-Bomb’s grill.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Wow…just wow.

[H-Bomb’s out cold. Hank drags him away from the ropes. He’s about to go for a cover but Kirk Walstreit, who’d slid back into the ring, darts towards him. He pushes Hank who’s flung backwards into, up, and over the top rope to the floor.]

[A-Bomb tries to climb into the ring. Banks grabs him by the leg and yanks him off the ring apron.]

[Walstreit covers. Sufferable makes the count.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT!

[The MVW fans fill the arena with cheers.]

Kimber Marshall: The winners of the match at ten minutes, twelve seconds…THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION!

[The fans pop again.]

Rick Hall: Unbelievable match.

Thunderbolt Smith: Kirk Walstreit gets the pin for the Sports Entertainment Corporation!

Rick Hall: Even after all the extracurricular activity and Mr. McMann being temporarily banished from ringside, the SEC still managed to get the win.

[The camera cuts to a section of the arena. It’s a small contingent but they are on their feet and shouting at the top of their lungs…’MVW!…MVW!…MVW!’]

Mr. McMANN TAKES A BOW
[‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann climbs into the ring and takes the microphone from Kimber Marshall.]

Rick Hall: And now he’s going to talk.

Thunderbolt Smith: Mr. McMann always has a few things on his mind.

[The crowd tepidly applaud.]

Rick Hall: I think he thinks he’s going to save Missouri Valley Wrestling, Thunderbolt.

Thunderbolt Smith: I don’t think that’s going to happen.

[Mr. McMann has a microphone.]

Mr. McMann: Thank you…thank you. I just want to come out here and say just two words…you’re welcome.

[The crowd vehemently disagrees with him.]

Mr. McMann: All the good things happening in MVW…the reopening of MVW…is all because of…me.   I did that! Me!

[Again, a negative reception.]

Mr. McMann: I accept your thanks and again, on behalf of myself, I just want to say…you’re welcome.

[Mic drop. Off to the back.]

Rick Hall: At least he didn’t refer to himself in the third person at any time during his promo.

Thunderbolt Smith (not as impressed): Yeah….all right, let’s go back to the ring for our next match.

——————————————————–

MATCH #4
‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller

vs.

Ultratron-Five

——————————————————–

[Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall is in the ring to do the introduction.]

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen! Our next match of the night is on fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: … Introducing first…weighing in at two hundred pounds…from parts unknown. He is the ‘New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’…ULTRATRON-FIVE!

Ultratron-Five…who’s dressed as if he’s a cheap b-movie knock off of a robot…tries to look menacing. He turns to the fans and flips them off.]

Rick Hall: What…the hell…is that?

Thunderbolt Smith: The new age cybertronic criminally insane rogue sentient wrestling machine…

[The sleeve of Ultratron-Five’s costume slides off. Ultratron-Five bends over…picks it up…and slides it back on.]

Thunderbolt Smith: …albeit it a pretty crappy one.

Kimber Marshall: His opponent…

‘Everlong’- Foo Fighters

Kimber Marshall: …weighing in tonight at two hundred and forty pounds.

Hello
I’ve waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red
Out of her head she sang

Kimber Marshall: Hailing from Columbus, Georgia! Please welcome ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller!

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when she sang

[Miller acknowledges the cheers the fans.]

Thunderbolt Smith: ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller taking on New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine.

Rick Hall: That’s a mouthful, Thunderbolt.

Thunderbolt Smith: Miller is new onto the scene. We’ll get our first look at him in a MVW ring.

—————————————————–

Ultratron-Five – The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine
HT: 5’ 10″  WT: 200 / HOME: Parts Unknown

‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller
HT: 6’ 0” WT: 240 / HOME: Columbus, GA
FIN: Southern Cross

Referee: Ron Martin

—————————————————–

*DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: We’ll see how Ultratron-Five handles himself. He’s had some technical issues… problems with glitches in the past.

[Ultratron-Five’s cheap robot costume proves to be bulky and cumbersome. But he lands a right hand that surprises Miller.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Whoa! Right hand by Ultratron-Five caught Miller off guard.

[Miller leaps up and over and tries to Sunset Flip Ultratron-Five. That doesn’t work and Miller gets hung up on the pseudo robot’s back. Ultratron-Five steps backwards and slams Miller against the corner turnbuckle.]

Rick Hall: Hah…that was a pretty good counter by Ultratron-Five.

[Ultratron-Five throws Halitosis across the ring. He clanks and clunks his way step by step over to him. Miller instinctively kicks him in the balls…except he kicks metal instead.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Whoops.

[Knife edged chop by Ultratron-Five sends Miller to the mat. But it takes too long for the New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine to follow up.]

Rick Hall: He’s taking too much time. That’s going to cost-

[Just as Hall says that, Ultratron becomes locked up. He’s stuck. The pieces of metal where the metal legs connect with the body part of the suit have somehow become stuck leaving Ultratron-Five a standing sitting duck in the middle of the ring.]

Rick Hall: That’s unfortunate.

[Miller simply walks up to Ultratron-Five…lifts him up in the air by the neck…and slams him hard to the mat causing a couple pieces of the b-movie robot suit to fly off.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dastardly Slam by Miller and Ultratron-Five is falling apart.

Rick Hall: Literally.

[Suddenly, Miller rolls him up.]

[The referee slides in.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And that would be it.

Rick Hall: Well, I thought Ultratron-Five put up a good fight.

[Miller jumps up and pumps his fist in the air.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at two minutes, thirty-five seconds…’DASTARDLY’ DAVE MILLER!

Thunderbolt Smith: So, ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller comes away with a win over the ‘New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five here on MVW Sunday Night Wrestling.

Rick Hall: You just like saying that.

Thunderbolt Smith: Saying what?

Rick Hall: New age cybertronic criminally insane rogue sentient wrestling machine.

Thunderbolt Smith: Wouldn’t you?

[Pause.]

Rick Hall: Good point.

===

DON’T SAY THAT
[Cut to the stage where MVW Backstage Interviewer Blair Moise is.]

Blair Moise: Blair Moise here and our next guests are no strangers to Missouri Valley Wrestling…

GWO logo

Blair Moise: Please welcome, Peta from PETA, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee…the GREEN…WORLD…ORDER!

[Boos from the fans.]

Green World Order
Valet: Peta from PETA
HT: 5’ 8” WT: 123 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA

GreenPete
HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 195 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA

FIN: Harpoon (modified spear or gore)

‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee
HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 192 / HOME: New York City, NY
FIN: The Juicer

PeaceNick
HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 180 / HOME: Bremerton, WA
FIN: Chloroform

[The GWO join Blair on stage. Lee pumps his fist in the air and shouts into the microphone.]

Brock Cole Lee: M-V-WWWW! Get ready because WE’REEEE CHANGING EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG!

[More mixed reaction from the crowd.]

[Peta notices an overweight man in the front row chowing down on a thick, juicy hamburger. That’s bad enough.]

[The camera zooms in on the man’s hat. It says: PETA- People Eating Tasty Animals. Peta becomes incensed.]

Peta from PETA: YOU! FAT GUY! I BET YOUR MAN-BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN YOUR WIFE’S!

[The man flips her off. Peta starts to climb out of the ring to confront him but the rest of the GWO hold her back.]

Blair Moise: Peta, you asked for this time tonight because you wanted to send out a special message.

Peta composes herself and walks back over to Blair.]

Peta from PETA: Yes, Blair. PETA- the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals- is concerned about language that is ‘anti-animal’ and as PETA would love all of you people, especially the fat jerk over there, to remove meat from your diet, we’d also like you to remove ‘speciesism’ from your vocabulary.

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Speciesism? Really?

Peta from PETA: Don’t say ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ Wouldn’t it be better to say, ‘Feed two birds with one scone?’

[Peta pauses. There’s a few folks who gets what she’s saying. Most look at her blankly. A few ask ‘what the hell is a scone?’]

Peta from PETA: Or the phrase, ‘bring home the bacon’…instead…say ‘bring home the bagels.’

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Bring home the bagels?

[There’s a couple titters from the crowd.]

Peta from PETA: Don’t ‘take the bull by the horns.’ ‘Take the flower by the thorns.’

[More titters, some snickers now.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Someone seriously sat down and took the time to think all this up?

[Peta notices the reaction.]

Peta from PETA: Working together, someday anti-animal language will disappear from every day use and be deposited into the trash bin of history. Appreciate animals for what…

[Peta stops mid-sentence. She smells something in the air. She looks around the arena. And then she see its.]

[Camera cuts to a luxury suite high up over the arena.]

Peta from PETA: Son of a bitch!

[Zooming in, it’s ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay’s Les Miserables hanging out in their section enjoying the show. We see General DeBauchery- who looks like a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting a black captain’s hat right out of World War II, smoking a cigar and grinning obnoxiously, Al Cahall- sporting six pack abs…oh…that’s a six pack in front of his abs and the man smoking a cigarette in violation of several anti-smoking ordinances…as usual, Nic Koteen.]

[Koteen is grilling burgers and brats (also against the law) and the aroma has made its way down to ringside. Koteen looks over at Peta and gives her a hearty salute.]

[Peta’s face turns beet red and she balls her hands up into fists.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): I don’t want to beat a dead horse here…

Rick Hall (v/o): Good one!

[Peta points at the suite and mouths something unpleasant towards Nic Koteen. Koteen scoops up a burger and flips it over.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): …but I bet you that gets Peta’s goat!

Rick Hall (v/o): Wow! Another good one.

Thunderbolt Sauve (v/o): What. I’m being pig-headed about this? At least Koteen isn’t trying to weasel out of getting caught smoking a cigarette and grilling inside a public building.

[Hall busts out laughing now.]

Rick Hall (v/o): Stop it!

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Society is definitely going to the dogs.

Rick Hall (v/o): Don’t let her hear you say that!

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Hey, I’m just tackling the elephant in the room.

Rick Hall (v/o): AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH!

==

SWEETEN THE DEAL
[MVW Women’s Champion Christa Carmondy watches the action on a monitor in her dressing room.]

*KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK*

[She lifts her gaze towards the door.]

Christa Carmondy: Enter.

[It’s ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and CSPN CEO Mark Splitter.]

Christa Carmondy: Mr. McMann. Mark.

[Both men approach her.]

Christa Carmondy: What can I do for you?

Mr. McMann: We’re here to welcome you back into the fold. We want you to return to the Sports Entertainment Corporation.

Mark Splitter: Christa, you deserve to be a part of a faction full of winners who’ll be backed to the hilt by CSPN.

Christa Carmondy: I see. So Tessa Martin turned you down.

Mr. McMann: Christa, we’re here to offer you a golden opportunity.

[Christa looks at him apprehensively.]

Christa Carmondy: Golden opportunity?

Mr. McMann: Yes. It’s time for you to come home…to the SEC.

[Christa sits back in the chair.]

Christa Carmondy: Come home to the Blue Brand.

Mark Splitter: That’s right. You are a winner…a champion. The SEC is the perfect place for you to be.

Christa Carmondy: Perfect place for me to be. Even though you kicked me out of the group last year?

Mr. McMann: Well, we do have high standards.

Mark Splitter: Plus, think of the exposure that CSPN can give you. That has to be taken into consideration.

Christa Carmondy: That sounds intriguing…but I think I’m going to pass.

Mr. McMann: I see, you want us to sweeten the deal.

[McMann makes a hand gesture that denotes ‘sweetening the deal.’ Carmondy’s not sure what she’s doing. Even Mark Splitter wonders what the hell she’s doing.]

Christa Carmondy: What are you doing?

Mr. McMann: Sweetening the deal.

Christa Carmondy: Ahh…gotcha.

[She’s not impressed.]

Christa Carmondy: Guys, that’s a bad deal. Besides, I’m happy being back on my own without having to worry about other wrestlers.

Mr. McMann: Ooooh…we’ve got a haggler here.

Mark Splitter: Yes we do.

Christa Carmondy: Um no. I’m not haggling.

[But yet, the haggling begins.]

Mr. McMann: Okay…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…we’ll even throw in-

[Christa gets up from her chair.]

Christa Carmondy: Um, no. If you’ll excuse me.

[She sprints for the door.]

Mark Splitter: Oh…it’s the run out of the office and…

[Christa slams the door behind her.]

Mark Splitter: …shut the door in our face trick!

===

RAH MEETS NEW FRIENDS
[A Trumpet fanfare blares over the loudspeaker followed by a dense, layered note on a synthesizer.]

[Then, a man dressed in an expensive suit and bow-tie walks out. The lights turn off and a small spotlight illuminates the stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the gods and all-father of creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky who is usually a welcome, nurturing presence and to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the ’50s. And just for your reference, he is, for 35 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego’s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

[A bright spotlight illuminates a door in the back.]

Announcer: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space and the reason for the invention of sunglasses because your face would melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark if you gazed upon his brilliance…

Colleen Crowder: Oh, not this guy again.

Announcer: …the reason it’s eighty degrees outside and not minus four hundred and fifty-nine point six seven…and the reason Brian Wilson wrote all those great songs! Ladies and gentlemen…the God of Sunshine…RAAAAAAAAH!

Rah!: The Sunshine God (Island of Misfit Wrestlers) (Motivational speaker by day.  Pseudo deity complete with eclectic entourage by night.)
HT: 6’ 8” WT: 295 HOME: San Diego, CA
FIN: Eye of RAHHHHHHH!

Rah’s Followers: Happy Mango, Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy, The BeachBronze Suntan Bikini Girls

[Ten females dressed in golden bikinis…aka…Rah’s usual valets- the BeachBronze Suntan Bikini Team… emerge from the door followed by two men carrying a golden sedan chair with a man dressed in long flowing robes. He’s followed by his two minions- Bob Nye, Foot Fetish Guy, and Happy Mango, children’s show host.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Rah is one half of a tag team along with Halitosis and managed by Regina McGill. They’ve got a huge match tonight against the tag team champions- Dork Dynasty.

Rick Hall: Also former Missouri Valley Wrestling tag team champions, Thunderbolt.

[The procession makes its way to the ring where it stops at the ring apron. Rah then climbs out of his golden sedan chair and stands on the apron. The bikini team climb into the ring. Happy Mango has to open the ropes to allow Rah through.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hold on. I don’t know what it is but something’s different about two of the women on the bikini team.

[Rah moves to the middle of the ring and is surrounded by the BeachBronze Bikini Team, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, and Nye and Happy Mango. At a signal, Nye and Happy Mango drop to their knees and bows to Rah…]

Rick Hall: I’m guessing Rah doesn’t travel anywhere without making his grand entrance.

Thunderbolt Smith: You should see him come out of the bathroom.

Rick Hall: I think I’ll pass on that.

Thunderbolt Smith: There’s two women at the end. I don’t think they’re a part of the bikini team.

[It takes a couple seconds for Rah to notice that not all of them are bowing down.]

Thunderbolt Smith: In fact, does that look like Penny from the Dork Dynasty or is this just a red herring?

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, I think you’re right. And the other woman is –

*KA-BONG*

[But Rah does notice when Penny and Amy…the two valets of Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Champions The Dork Dynasty (Leonard and Sheldon Robertson) with great precision and malice, rears back with their feet and punt Rah in the balls.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Owwwww!

Rick Hall: Never mind. It’s definitely Penny and Amy from the Dork Dynasty and they’re sending a message to the challengers!

[Rah doubles over. Penny and Amy stand on each side of him and drops the Sunshine God face first to the mat with a double-team DDT.]

Thunderbolt Smith: DDT!

[The women circle and celebrate as Rah lays motionless in the mat.]

[Happy Mango checks on Rah.]

Happy Mango (shouts): Sunshine God one is down. I repeat, Sunshine God one is down.

Thunderbolt Smith: Sunshine God one? I think they just declared an emergency.

[Rah’s entourage snaps into action. The real BeachBronze Bikini team scrape Rah up off the canvas. Happy Mango and Bob Nye clear a path to the back.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Well? Rah is down but is he out? Will he recover enough by the end of the night to wrestle the Dork Dynasty for the MVW tag team title?

Rick Hall: He’ll be there.

Thunderbolt Smith: So you’re telling me there’s a chance?

[The camera follows Rah’s entourage hastily exiting out the back door to the communal bus.]

——————————————————–

MATCH #5 – MVW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Christa Carmondy ©

vs.

‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin

——————————————————–

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen…our next match is a one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: …thirty minute time limit for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Women’s Title. Introducing first…

*’Dig In’- Lenny Kravitz*

[The spotlight illuminates the stage. The challenger ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin walks out carrying her trademark oversized pizza box of doom. She wears a white shirt that says ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ on the front.]

It’s time to face it, come on in and join the party
Life has been waiting for you to care
Don’t try to fake it, jump on in and get it started
There’s so much lovin’ for you to share

There is nowhere to run
There is no way to hide
Don’t let it beat you
Say, “Nice to meet you” and “Bye”

Once you dig in
You’ll find it coming out the other side
And once you dig in
You’ll find you’ll have yourself a good time

Kimber Marshall: Please welcome the challenger hailing from Bowling Green, Ohio. Weighing in tonight at one hundred and twenty-five pounds. She is the EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL…please welcome…TESSA…MARTIN!

[On cue, the crowd erupts in cheers.]

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…

Hey You- Bachman Turner Overdrive

[Christa Carmondy comes out holding the MVW Women’s title belt in the air.]

Hey you, you say you wanna change the world
It’s alright, with me there’s no regret
It’s my turn, the circle game has brought me here
And I won’t let down ’til every song is set

You realize now
You should have tried now, ooh
The music’s gone now
You lost it somehow
Hey you, sha la la la
Hey you, sha la la la
Woo! Sha la la
Woo! Sha la la

Kimber Marshall: …is the Missouri Valley Wrestling Women’s Champion. From ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI…

[The MVW fans explodes when hometown girl and MVW Women’s Champion Christa Carmondy walks down the ring still holding up the belt.]

Kimber Marshall: …weighing in at one hundred and fifty pounds…CHRISTA…CARMONDY!

[Christa rolls into the ring and holds the belt in the air.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Christa Carmondy. Tessa Martin. Two Missouri Valley originals. This is going to be a war.

Rick Hall: LET’S GO!

—————————————————–

‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin
AGE: 31 / HT: 5′ 8″ WT: 125 / HOME: Bowling Green, OH
FIN: Pizza Cutter

Christa Carmondy
AGE: 26 /HT: 5′ 9″ WT: 150 / HOME: St. Louis, MO
FIN: Mean Girl Crush

Referee: Brent Payson

——————————————————-

*DING-DING*

1ST MINUTE
[After the obligatory feeling out process, the two women start to trade hard straight right hand punches. Martin tries to gain the upper hand by raking the eyes and following up with a simple takedown. With Carmondy on the ground in pain Martin lays on the boots, stomping on the challenger’s limbs. Martin drops to her knees and hammers away at Carmondy’s face with hard rights.]

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s all Tessa Martin early on. The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl is really taking it to Carmondy here.

Rick Hall: Tessa is on fire. She’s not going to leave anything to chance tonight.

2nd MINUTE
[Carmondy rakes Martin’s eyes. She then slams Martin’s head into the corner turnbuckle- a small cut is opens up on Martin’s forehead. Martin rolls out of the ring and shoves a crew member out of the way as she grabs a steel chair from ringside and slides back into the ring. Martin touches her forehead and feels the blood. She smiles and cracks the chair square between the eyes of Carmondy.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Yowza!

[Carmondy doesn’t drop though as she staggers back a step and shakes her head and stares right back at Martin.]

Rick Hall: She didn’t go down? How does she not go down from that shot?

3rd MINUTE
[Shocked, Martin goes for another chairshot.   Carmondy ducks it and connects with a hard right as Martin drops the chair. Carmondy hits another right and the Women’s Champion plants Martin with a DDT right on the steel chair.]

Rick Hall: Christa Carmondy reverses and plants Tessa Martin on the chair!

Thunderbolt Smith: Carmondy’s going for some sort of suplex!

[Carmondy picks Martin up and German suplexes her over the top rope and to the outside of the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Christa suplexed her right out of the ring!

Rick Hall: Damn!

[The crowd gasps in shock. Carmondy throws her arms up as he bounces off the far ropes and dives over the top rope.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SUICIDE DIVE CLOTHESLINE!

Rick Hall: Unbelieveable move by Christa Carmondy!

4th MINUTE
[The referee starts a ten count. Martin tries to get up. Carmondy climbs back to her feet. Carmondy peers under the ring for something to punish Martin with.

Rick Hall: Now what is she doing?

[Carmondy pulls a table out and sets it up outside the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Table for one it seems.

Rick Hall: She’s got to be flirting with a DQ!

[Martin makes her way back to one knee after the six count. Carmondy nails a hard right to Martin to set her up. But the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl drives her knee deep into Carmondy’s gut and power bombs her through the table.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh my God!

[The fans erupt in cheers. Thunderbolt and Hall watch in horror.]

5th MINUTE
[Martin back to the ring as the referee counts. Carmondy somehow gets back to her feet and gets back in the ring. Carmondy with a right. Martin blocks and thumbs Carmondy in the eye. Martin then kicks at the knee but Carmondy swings around and chop blocks Martin’s leg to take her down. Carmondy grabs the chair and swings downward at Martin. Martin rolls out of the way at the last second.   Carmondy can’t believe it and tosses the chair away. Martin kicks up and crushes Carmondy in the face. Carmondy drops to his knees and then topples over.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Martin is proud of herself after that one.

Rick Hall: Tess should be Thunderbolt. She’s taken control of the match.

6th MINUTE
Martin looks to apply a sharpshooter but Carmondy will not make it easy. Finally, Carmondy manages to push her off and sends Martin head first into the steel ring post. The crowd erupts in response.]

Thunderbolt Smith: But not for long.

[Both women struggle get back to a vertical base. Martin walks up to Carmondy and both stare right at the other.]

Thunderbolt Smith: The crowd are on their feet. What’s going to happen next?

[Right happens next is both women suddenly break out into trading punches.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Here we go!

Rick Hall: No one is backing down.

[Each woman staggers after getting hit, spittle flying off their faces as their heads snap back. Carmondy seizes the advantage after she connects a slobberknocker of a punch and Martin crumbles to the mat.]

7th MINUTE
[Carmondy pulls Martin into the center of the ring. Roll up cover.

[One…]

[Two…]

[NO…Martin reverses Carmondy.]

[One…

[Two…]

[NO…Carmondy reverses.]

[One…Martin reverses.]

[One…reverse.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE!]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: Wait a minute! Who won!

Rick Hall: It happened too fast for me. I don’t know.

[Referee Brent Payson emphatically makes the call for Christa Carmondy.]

Rick Hall: Brent Payson is calling it for the champion!

Thunderbolt Smith: Christa Carmondy has pulled off a hell of a hard fought victory over Tessa Martin.

Tessa Martin: NO!

[Martin gets in the referee’s face and disputes the result. The referee shakes his head no.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at six minutes and seventeen seconds…CHRISTA-

[Martin rips the microphone out of Kimber’s hand.]

Tessa Martin: I…AM NOT…CONCEDING!

Thunderbolt Smith: Tessa’s not conceding.

Rick Hall: She’s upset. I’d have to see the tap.

Thunderbolt Smith: No one’s trying to steal the match. I think Christa got the pinfall.

Rick Hall: Let’s look at the replay.

[The replay shows that Carmondy barely has Martin’s shoulders pinned.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Yeah, I think Christa just got her shoulders down.

Rick Hall: Yeah, from looking at the video…Christa won this…by a smidge.

Thunderbolt Smith: Is that your new unit of measurement?

Rick Hall: Yes.

==

BIG OIL WOES
[Cut to the stage where Big Oil, all six foot eleven, three hundred and twenty-three pounds of him, glares at the crowd. Greased down hair. Singlet with a giant oil derrick stitched on the front. Nasty disposition.]

Big Oil
HT: 6′ 11″ WT: 323 / HOME: Houston, TX
FIN: Oklahoma Driller (modified piledriver)
MGR: Texas Tex

[Especially when oil prices are sitting as low as they are.]

[Big Oil is accompanied by his longtime manager Texas Tex who wears a golden money and pushes a wheelbarrow that’s usually overflowing in cash. Except these days, the cash doesn’t overflow as much. Which doesn’t help Big Oil’s nasty disposition.]

[Big Oil is given the requisite ‘positive’ reception…]

Big Oil: SHUT UP! Your boos don’t mean *BLEEP* to me. You people are ingrates. You people don’t appreciate the fact that without big oil to fuel your cars, your motorhomes, your lawn mower, your generators, your houses, you wouldn’t have the same standard of life that you do now. You know in your heart of hearts that no matter what the gas prices are, you’ll still fill up the ol’ car and drive.  You’re nothing but mindless sheep- and addicted to your automobiles and your toys. When gas prices go low, it just means that you are not paying your fair share for the service that we provide. You can’t live without Big Oil.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thunderbolt Smith: BOOOOOOOOO!

[Big Oil holds four fingers up in the air.]

Big Oil: You know what that’s for, *BLEEP*holes? That’s four dollars a gallon for gas! That’s how much you should be paying.

[The crowd holds up two fingers- to signify gas prices in many areas dropping to near two dollars a gallon.]

[Suffice to say, that doesn’t make Big Oil happy.]

Big Oil: SHUT UP!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Big Oil: You’ll cry about the prices, but you’ll still go out and put gas in your cars anyways!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Thunderbolt Smith: BOOOOOOOOO!

Rick Hall: BOOOOOOOO!

Thunderbolt Smith: BOOOOOOOOO!

Big Oil: But the real reason I am here tonight is after years of being denied an opportunity to wrestle for the title, I demand the title shot I so richly deserves and I wants it tonight!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thunderbolt Smith: BOOO-…er…Big Oil wants to be in the Missouri Valley Title match! I guess money is tight these days.

Big Oil: And as my good friend Texas Tex can attest…

[Big Oil points down to the wheelbarrow.]

Big Oil: Money is no object.

[With that, Big Oil skulks off with Texas Tex struggling to keep up while pushing the wheelbarrow.]

Thunderbolt Smith: We have not touched on that so far tonight. MVW Champion ‘Charlie Wrestling’ Charlie Blackwell puts the title on the line in the main event tonight against an unknown opponent. Big Oil is making it known that he believes he should be in the match.

Rick Hall: Big Oil has won some titles over the years. But I suspect Jill Berg has something up her sleeve tonight.

===

WHAT’S THE DEAL?
[The video screen fires up and shows Dawn McGill walking towards the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Now joining as at the broadcast table…the one and only ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ himself- Mr. McMann.

Mr. McMann: Thunderbolt. Rick.

Thunderbolt Smith: She’s had quite a past year and a half. But in just a few minutes, we are about to find out just what Dawn McGill’s future plans are in Missouri Valley Wrestling.

Mr. McMann: I can tell what she’s going to be doing Thunderbolt.   She’s going to be joining the SEC.

Rick Hall: She is?

Mr. McMann: She’s going to join the elite of the elite. The top faction in Missouri Valley Wrestling.

[McGill continues to walk.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Do you have an agreement with her?

Mr. McMann: Not in the traditional sense.

Thunderbolt Smith: So you don’t have an agreement with her.

Mr. McMann: I’ve already spoken to her once tonight. And besides, per the terms of our prior deal…contractually I have first refusal of her services (pauses) if she’s not currently working for another wrestler.

[We hear the squeaking of metal clanking together. Suddenly, Dawn stops and puts her hands in the air.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Huh?

[The camera pulls back. The new age cybertronic criminally insane rogue sentient wrestling machine Ultratron-Five sticks a cheesy-looking, rudimentary ‘blaster’ in Dawn’s back.]

Mr. McMann: What the hell is this?

[For her part, Dawn blatantly overacts.]

Dawn McGill: What do you want?

Ultratron-Five (in cheesy, bad B-movie metallic voice): Earthling, Ultratron-Five needs a companion to assist him in his wrestling endeavors. I have chosen you.

Dawn McGill (facetiously in horror): Oh no! Me?

Ultratron-Five: You.

Dawn McGill: Oh. What will I do?

[Mr. McMann’s jaw drops.]

Mr. McMann (gobsmacked): W-w-what’s this? What’s going on?

Thunderbolt Smith: Yeah, it’s hard to buy the drama when Dawn’s fighting hard not to smile while delivering her lines.

[Ultratron-Five pushes Dawn towards a dark dressing room.]

Ultratron-Five: In here.

Dawn McGill (half-heartedly): Help! Help!

[Which just infuriates Mr. McMann.]

Mr. McMann: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Thunderbolt Smith: Well in a nutshell, it looks like Ultratron-Five’s looking for a valet and he’s chosen Dawn McGill.

[Which just infuriates Mr. McMann even more.]

Mr. McMann: OH YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

[Hands still in the air, Dawn goes into the dressing room with Ultratron-Five.]

Dawn McGill: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

[The door closes.]

Mr. McMann: No…NOOOOO!

[We hear the sound of a chair squeaking as McMann pushes it back along the floor. He jumps to his feet and stomps off.]

Mr. McMann (off-camera): NOOOOOO!

Rick Hall: I wonder how it feels that Dawn McGill would rather work with a B-movie, cheesy science fiction, comic book knock off instead of Mr. McMann?

Thunderbolt Smith: Ahhh…yeah. Was that a P-two-thirty-five disintegrator ray gun he had?

==

BREAKING NEWS/BLAIR TALKS WITH THE HEARTLAND CHAMPION
[Cut to Blair in the Les Miserables section of the arena.]

Blair Moise: As you can see…

[Blair directs the camera to pan over. The Green World Order: GreenPete/PeaceNick/‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee/Peta from PETA are headed right for the Les Miserables.]

Blair Moise: The Green World Order are headed towards where the Les Miserables are seated. Now, it’s worth mentioning that there was a brief long distance staredown earlier tonight between the Green World Order’s Peta from PETA and the Les Miserables. I also know that ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay is also in the section along with West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy. If something breaks out here, we’ll break in.

Rick Hall: Kind of like…when news breaks, we fix it!

Blair Moise: Sure. Right Rick.

[She motions off-camera and Heartland Champion ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson joins her. Dickinson has the Heartland Title belt around his waist.]

Blair Moise: Thanks Bill. You had a tough one with SNAFU six weeks ago in Evansville, Indiana…a wrestler you once referred to as a vanilla midget. Tonight, you get him again. Any thoughts?

Bill Dickinson: Nah, not really. Blair, I’ve been the Heartland champion for over fifteen months now. I’ve taken on all comers…in this company…and out of this company. Yes, I called SNAFU a vanilla midget last year. But I’ll admit SNAFU is more than that. But again Blair, it’s just wrestling. There’s no tendencies. ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson ain’t never backed down from a fight and he never will. I’ve taken on anyone and everyone. I’ve been in the ring with some great wrestlers. Won a few matches…lost a bunch. In the end, it’s about who wants it the most. I know SNAFU is damn good but ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson thinks he’s damn good too. I am the three hundred and thirty pound Southern brawler and once that ol’ bell goes off, we’re going to do a little dancing and I plan on walking out of that ring with my TV title.

[With that Dickinson heads for the ring.]

Blair Moise: Back to you Thunderbolt.

[Cut back to Smith and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And let’s go to the ring.

——————————————————–

MATCH #6 – MVW HEARTLAND TITLE MATCH
‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson ©

SNAFU with E.J. Flack

——————————————————–

[Both sides stand up and make noise.]

Kimber Marshall (straining to talk over the crowd): LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…THIS MATCH IS ONE FALL…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: …FOR THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING HEARTLAND TITLE!

[The crowd explodes.]

Kimber Marshall: INTRODUCING FIRST…FROM PARTS UNKNOWN.

[SNAFU, accompanied as always by Coach E.J. Flack, makes his way out on stage.]

Kimber Marshall: WEIGHING IN TONIGHT AT AN EVEN TWO HUNDRED POUNDS! HE’S LEARNED EVERYTHING HE KNOWS ABOUT WRESTLING FROM WATCHING SABU IN ECW VIDEOS…PLEASE WELCOME…SNAFU!

’Feel Invincible’- Skillet

[The fans chant ‘SNAFU!…SNAFU! as he and Flack make their way to the ring.]

Target on my back
Lone survivor lasts
They got me in their sights
No surrender no
Trigger fingers go
Living the dangerous life

[SNAFU and Flack continue to the ring.]

Hey, hey, hey
Everyday when I wake
I’m trying to get up, they’re knocking me down
Chewing me up, spitting me out
Hey, hey, hey
When I need to be saved
You’re making me strong,
You’re making me stand
Never will fall, never will end
Shot like a rocket up into the sky
Nothing can stop me tonight

Thunderbolt Smith: Here comes the challenger. SNAFU gave Dickinson quite a tussle six weeks ago in Evansville. Can he do it again here tonight?

Kimber Marshall: AND HIS OPPONENT…THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING HEARTLAND CHAMPION!…

[‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson strolls out on stage holding up the Heartland title belt.]

Kimber Marshall: WEIGHING IN AT THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY POUNDS…FROM TROY, ALABAMA…HE IS THE THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY POUND SOUTHERN BRAWLER…

[Dickinson holds the belt in the air with both hands.]

Kimber Marshall: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…’REDNECK’ BILL DICKINSON!

[The crowd stands and cheers.]

*’White Trash’- Chris Janson*

Thunderbolt Smith: And here comes the Three Hundred and Thirty Pound Southern Brawler ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson.

Rick Hall: He looks focused.

Thunderbolt Smith: I think he always looks focused.

Between the trailer and the dog
And the cars on blocks and the hogs
Out in the front yard
Where us kids play
No grass
Yeah there was mama
In her house shoes
Smokin’ Salem Lights with the tattoos
You add it all up
That’s why they call us white trash

[The Heartland Champion walks to the ring.]

Well if they’d had their way
They’d have thrown us away
Like an empty bottle of wine
We belong sacked up
Stacked on the curb
In their mind
And their daddy’s didn’t want us
Hanging ’round their girls
And they told every son they had
Don’t even think about it
Taking out the white trash.

Kimber Marshall: Referee Davey Keels is the man in charge.

Rick Hall: If SNAFU can come out and put on the same performance he did at MVWA 86, this is going to be some match.

[Dickinson rolls into the ring and again holds up the Heartland Title belt.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Get ready. Because here it comes.

———————————————————

SNAFU
HT: 5′ 10″  WT: 200 / HOME: Parts Unknown
FIN: American Facebuster
MGR: Coach E.J. Flack

‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson “The 330 Pound Southern Brawler”
HT: 6′ 1″  WT: 330 / HOME: Troy, AL
FIN: High Crossbody into a Powerbomb

Referee: Davey Keels

———————————————————

*DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And there’s the bell.

1st MINUTE
[SNAFU comes out firing right hands driving Dickinson back to his corner. He catapults Dickinson out of the ring to the floor. SNAFU goes top turnbuckle and dives off to the floor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: HOLY CRAP!

Coach E.J. Flack (at ringside): GO SNAFU GO!

[SNAFU snatches Dickinson and tosses him back into the ring and goes top rope again. Diving elbow drop folds Dickinson in half. SNAFU hooks the leg.

[One…]

[Two…Dickinson kicks out.]

[Leg drop for SNAFU. He hooks the legs again…]

[One…]

[Two…kick out.]

[Dickinson rolls out of the ring and takes refuge along the steel barricade.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WHAT A START FOR SNAFU!

Rick Hall: He’s come out with the same game plan that nearly won him the belt last month.

2nd MINUTE
[SNAFU then launches himself over the top rope at Dickinson driving him to the floor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SNAFU going high risk and Dickinson doesn’t know what’s hitting him!

Rick Hall: Just remember, Bill Dickinson has been through this before.

Thunderbolt Smith: Good point. Dickinson won’t panic.

Rick Hall: That being said, Coach E.J. Flack has once again prepared SNAFU well for this match.

[The referee has both Dickinson and SNAFU back in the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And speaking of Coach Flack, he’s headed our way.

[Flack, in a black jacket with the Narfle the Garthok logo on it and wearing a pair of headphones, confidently makes his way towards the broadcast table.]

Coach E.J. Flack: Gentlemen.

Thunderbolt Smith: E.J., thanks for joining us. Your guy SNAFU looks red hot right now.

Coach E.J. Flack: He’s getting it Thunderbolt. I’m here in Missouri Valley Wrestling because I eat challenges for breakfast. SNAFU is starting to eat challenges for breakfast. SNAFU is learning fast the he has the ability to…NARFLE THE GARTHOK! And that’s why I’m managing him.

Rick Hall: E.J., SNAFU came very close to winning that match six weeks ago.

Coach E.J. Flack: He did. SNAFU is learning to eat difficult situations. He’s learning not to back down from an impossible task. He’s learning to out-care, out-give, out-work, and out-how everyone here in Missouri Valley Wrestling. He’s learning how to…NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

Thunderbolt Smith: Which is better than ‘Row the-‘

Coach E.J. Flack: Thunderbolt, an oar is nothing more than a mere snack for a Garthok. In fact, a Garthok uses an oar as frickin’ toothpick. And we all know boats becomes dilapidated in time. When you’re climbing life’s mountain and come up against insurmountable odds, you don’t row something, you…

Flack raises his arm and the MVW fans respond.

NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

Thunderbolt Smith: Inspiring words from a man who knows how to Narfle the Garthok.

NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

Thunderbolt Smith: Let’s get back to the action.

5th MINUTE
[…SNAFU rushes forward to attack again. Dickinson counters into a cradle. He covers…]

[One…]

[Two…SNAFU rolls through.]

[Both men work counters back and forth. SNAFU hits a knee strike and goes up top again. This time, Dickinson rolls out of the way and SNAFU bounces off the canvas. Dickinson lays in kicks but SNAFU whips him hard into the corner turnbuckle. Again SNAFU goes up top and this time hits a moonsault press. Cover.]

[One…]

[Two…Dickinson kicks out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SNAFU continues to take it to ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson!

Rick Hall: Dickinson is trying to ride out the storm. That strategy worked wonders last month. Will it work again tonight?

6th MINUTE
[Dickinson overpowers SNAFU…grounding the action to the mat.

Rick Hall: Smart move by Dickinson. He’s going to try and slow the tempo of the match down.

Thunderbolt Smith: That said, it’s been all SNAFU so far but he hasn’t scored the killer move to put Dickinson away!

[Dickinson starts to use his clubbing offense and tosses SNAFU around the ring. Dickinson follows with a slam.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SNAFU is grounded and Dickinson is starting to use his power arsenal against him.

Rick Hall: And that’s why he’s been the Heartland Champion for fifteen months.

[Dickinson hits a back breaker on SNAFU and makes the cover.

[One…]

[Two…SNAFU kicks out.]

[He rolls under the bottom rope but does not leave the apron.]

7th MINUTE
[SNAFU goes up top. He momentarily glances over to where the Heartland Champion is standing, giving Dickinson extra time to plan his escape. SNAFU misses the moonsault and Dickinson immediately snaps off a DDT. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…SNAFU gets a shoulder up.]

[Dickinson and SNAFU trade right hands. Dickinson rakes the eyes, steps back, and hits another DDT. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…again, SNAFU just gets the shoulder off the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: The three hundred thirty pound Southern Brawler is methodically taking SNAFU apart.

Rick Hall: SNAFU’s gotta amp up the pace of the match or else Dickinson will grind him into dust.

8th MINUTE
[SNAFU rallies with a running knee strike. But he’s tiring and both men rest on the mat. SNAFU up first and spears Dickinson to the mat. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…Dickinson kicks out.]

[SNAFU with the spin kick. Dickinson ducks and then takes SNAFU down with a huge lariat. He cradles him…]

[One…]

[Two…SNAFU kicks out.]

[Dickinson pulls SNAFU up and sends him head first like a lawn dart into the turnbuckles.   SNAFU staggers back. Dickinson rolls him up.]

Thunderbolt Smith: COULD THIS BE IT?

[One…]

[Two…]

[Thr-…]

Rick Hall: NOOOOO! He just got out!

9th MINUTE
[Hall’s right. SNAFU barely kicks out in time.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SNAFU’S still alive in the match. But Dickinson is coming on now.

[Dickinson grabs SNAFU by his hair, picks him up, and lays in strikes. SNAFU stumbles backwards and then fires in his strikes. Both trade hard shots. SNAFU hits a head kick and dumps Dickinson to the floor. SNAFU again goes suicide dive up and over the ropes. This time, Dickinson has the wherewithal to roll clear and SNAFU hits the floor hard. Dickinson rams him head first into the ring post. Then he sends SNAFU sprawling into the steel barricade.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dickinson drives SNAFU into the unforgiving steel barricade.

Rick Hall: He may need a chiropractor after that one.

10th MINUTE
[Dickinson back in the ring. The referee starts a 10 count on SNAFU who’s slow to remove himself off the barricade. E.J. Flack runs over and pull him back. Flack escorts SNAFU back to the ring with the referee hitting 7 on the count. SNAFU back in and runs right into a front kick. Dickinson covers…]

[One…]

[Two…SNAFU grabs the rope.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Oooh, that was close.

Rick Hall: After a super slow start, Bill Dickinson has controlled this match. He is taking SNAFU apart bit by bit.

[Dickinson goes top turnbuckle.]

Rick Hall: Oh now what he is doing?

Thunderbolt Smith: Dickinson going up top?

[Indeed, Dickinson climbs to the top turnbuckle, leaps off, and cannonballs down onto SNAFU.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Top rope Cannonball splash and that may do it!

Rick Hall: I felt the ground move.

11th MINUTE
[Dickinson hooks the legs.

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE! The referee immediately calls for the bell.]

Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT!

*DING-DING-DING-DING*

Rick Hall: Wow!

[Kimber Marshall back in the ring with the final word.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and STILL THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING HEARTLAND CHAMPION! ‘REDNECK’…BILL…DICKINSON!

Thunderbolt Smith: Bill Dickinson outlasts SNAFU and he remains the Heartland Champion!

Rick Hall: SNAFU fired all his shots in the first two minutes. After that Bill Dickinson took over and he delivered a master class in power wrestling.

Thunderbolt Smith: Both men took it to the extreme but Dickinson manages to pull out a very hard fought win. Something tells me we probably haven’t heard the last of SNAFU, though.

Thunderbolt Smith: All right, while the match was going on, this happened.

[Hall tries to suppress his laughter. He fails.]

THE FINAL INSULT
Taped Minutes ago

[‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay watches the action from the Les Miserables section of the arena. With him is his wife and one half of Texas Adult Entertainment legends Dark and Stormy, Stacee Perry (Dark) and former champion William Daniels Bryan.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): McAvay, his wife, and Bryan were watching the match when…

[The Green World Order: GreenPete/PeaceNick/‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee/Peta from PETA confront the Les Miserables.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): The group began to harass McAvay and Bryan when…

[The Les Miserables: General DeBauchery- who looks like a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting a black captain’s hat right out of World War II, smoking a cigar and grinning obnoxiously, Al Cahall- sporting six pack abs…oh…that’s a six pack in front of his abs and the man smoking a cigarette in violation of several anti-smoking ordinances…as usual, Nic Koteen stand up along with the rest of McAvay’s usual entourage Paige Reynolds (Stormy), and Bert the Janitor. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, and ‘Not Just Unbearable…Not Just Intolerable…he is’ Justin Sufferable also stand up.]

Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): …that’s right…The Les Miserables came to McAvay’s defense and there was a standoff.

[MVW CEO Jill Berg also arrives at the luxury suite and bores her way through both sides who are shouting back and forth at each other.]

Jill Berg: No!

[She confronts the GWO.]

Jill Berg: Hell no! You guys may get away with this *BLEEP* in other places, but you’re not getting away with it at my show!

[She points at the large crowd on hand in the arena.]

Jill Berg: At THEIR show!

[Peta from PETA and the GWO don’t take kindly to that. They begin to shout at Berg and it escalates.]

Jill Berg: They’ve made too many compromises. They’ve made too many retreats! You start chipping away at our rights and we fall back. You try to tell us what we can do, what we can say, what we can think, and we fall back. No more. The line is drawn HERE! This far. No farther!

[Peta from PETA gets in Jill’s face.]

Peta from PETA: You are making a huge mistake! You should think good and hard about-

[Peta sticks her index finger in the square of Jill Berg’s chest.]

[Berg instinctively whirls around and hits a spinning heel kick that doubles Peta over. She shoves Peta back and takes a few steps back…gets a running start…and SPEARS the holy hell out of Peta. Then she pulls the half out of it Peta back up to her feet…fireman’s carry…into a JACKHAMMER SLAM!]

[The crowd gasps.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Whoa!

Rick Hall: What did she just do?

Thunderbolt Smith: I think she just went full Patrick Stewart in Star Trek: First Contact.

Rick Hall: No, no…the other thing.

Thunderbolt Smith: The Jackhammer slam?

Rick Hall: Right.

Thunderbolt Smith: That was pretty impressive.

[The GWO are stunned silent. Some fans stand up and cheers…others aren’t so sure what to do. Then a ‘MVW…MVW…MVW…’ chant fills the arena.]

==

THE MILLENNIAL MARK AND SNOWFLAKE SUZIE SHOW
Blair Moise:
Blair Moise backstage with Millennial Mark who hopes to be a part of tonight’s Missouri Valley Wrestling Title match.

[Stepping into the scene: Millennial Mark, in a cheap, ratty t-shirt complete with Bluetooth headphones and microphone, flanked by his partner Snowflake Suzie, who’s dressed like a panda bear.]

Millennial Mark:
HT: 6’-1” WT: 200 / HOME: His Parent’s Basement

FIN: Parent’s Basement Slam
Valet: Snowflake Suzie

Blair Moise: Mark, make your pitch.

Millennial Mark: Make my pitch? Look, I’ve defeated every single wrestler…

Snowflake Suzie: …on the WWE2K19 wrestling game.

Millennial Mark: That’s right. I went to school, man. I went to school and defeated the best of the best.

Snowflake Suzie: The BEST of the best…on the WWE2K19 wrestling game.

Millennial Mark: And then I went to college.

Snowflake Suzie: And he’s got a mortgage payment for his student loans.

Millennial Mark: No, no. Not that college.

Snowflake Suzie: Oh…

Millennial Mark: I went to college and got my wrestling degree.

Blair Moise: Hold on. Wrestling degree?

Snowflake Suzie: He got all the forty-six achievements and trophies, and all the unlockables.

Millennial Mark: That’s why I’m here.

Snowflake Suzie: Right here.

Millennial Mark: That’s right. Blair, as far as concerned, I’m owed.

Snowflake Suzie: He’s owed.

Millennial Mark: I’m entitled.

Snowflake Suzie: He’s entitled.

Millennial Mark: End of story.

Blair Moise: Okay, let me get this straight. Because you’ve played and won the WWE2k19 wrestling video game…and all the achievement and trophies, you believe you are ready for a shot at the Missouri Valley wrestling title tonight?

Snowflake Suzie: Owed and entitled.

Blair Moise: But-

[Millennial Mark snaps his fingers.]

Millennial Mark: Okay. No more questions. Back to the video games.

Snowflake Suzie: Video games!

[They walk off leaving a bemused Blair behind.]

Millennial Mark (off-camera): I need to train for my match.

Blair Moise: Well okay, then.

==

NATE SILVER CALLS HIS SHOT
[Cut back to Smith and Hall at the broadcast table.]

Thunderbolt Smith: We have a special guest with us tonight. Ace Prognosticator Nate Silver joins us now as we are just a couple minutes away from our big Women’s Battle Royale Match featuring twenty women.

[Nate Silver joins them.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Nate, there are twenty women taking part in tonight’s Battle Royale match. How does the match stack up to you?

Nate Silver: Well Thunderbolt, I think it will be close. But I believe there’s an eighty percent chance that former MVW Women’s Champion Sheline Carrigan will win tonight.

Sheline Carrigan ‘The Canadian Cyborg’
HT: 6’0″ WT: 145 / HOME:  Vilbank, SK
FIN: Canadian Destroyer

Rick Hall: Oooh. The Canadian Cyborg. That’s an interesting call. Particularly when you have wrestlers like former MVW Women’s Champion Carrieanne McDermott and Kathryn Randall Collins in the field.

Carrieanne McDermott (Missouri Valley Fight Club)
HT: 5′ 9″ WT: 138 / HOME: Glasgow, Scotland
FIN: Glasgow Kiss

Kathryn Randall Collins “KRC”
HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 145 / HOME: Ft. Myers, FL
FIN: Gogoplata

Nate Silver: True. McDermott has kept a lighter schedule over the past year and a half. KRC is not the wrestler she was a couple years ago.

Thunderbolt Smith: Sheline is the current I3W Champion and at the peak of her game right now.

Nate Silver: Carrigan is the obvious choice. That being said, it would not surprise me in the least if McDermott found a way to win this match tonight.

Thunderbolt Smith: What’s the percentage again?

Nate Silver: Eighty percent for Sheline Carrigan.

Thunderbolt Smith: And there’s a hundred percent chance you’ll change your projection sometime during the match.

==

THE COUCH POTATO LIKES RELAXATION, WATCHING TV, AND FOOD…BUT MOSTLY FOOD
[Backstage, Couch Potato climbs into a couch and uses a remote control to turn on the television. An assistant carefully carries a platter full of pancakes dripping in maple syrup over to him. Another personal assistant takes the platter full of pancakes from the other assistant and carefully places them on Couch Potato’s lap.]

Couch Potato: I like to relax!

[The fans cheer.]

Couch Potato: I like to watch TV and flip around the channels with my custom made remote control. But most of all…

[She takes a stack of pancakes and crams it into her mouth.]

Couch Potato (with food in her mouth): I like to eat. Too much. It’s making me fat. Wherever I go, I have to go eat and pancakes. Pancakes are very fattening. We make them with Bisquick. They’re really good. But it’s still making me fat!

[A third personal assistant wipes Couch Potato’s face with a damp white cloth to get all the syrup and pancake crumbs off.]

Couch Potato: I want to sleep at night. But it’s hard to if I don’t eat. So I eat. A lot.

[Couch Potato shoves another stack of pancakes in her mouth. Then he rips the white cloth from one of his personal assistants and wipes his face.]

==

Thunderbolt Smith: Well? We are about ready to go. Who will come out on top in this match? Will it be Sheline Carrigan?

Nate Silver: EIGHTY PERCENT CHANCE!

Thunderbolt Smith: Or will it be someone else.

Nate Silver: TWENTY PERCENT CHANCE!

Thunderbolt Smith: Let’s go to the ring.

————————————————–

MATCH # 7 – MVW WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYALE MATCH

Gwen Varney
Yosemite Samantha
‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas
Svetlana Kovaleski
Sarah Mae Smith
‘Rowdie’ Randie Pfieffer
Regina McGill
Elaine Brazier
Ninja Kitty
Corrina Romanov
Carrieanne McDermott
Poison Penny
Dr. Annabel ‘From Hannibal’ Lecker
Jennifer Diamond
‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan
Deanna Phillips
“Queen Cool” Leah Iris
‘Former Hooter’s Waitress’ C.J. Lewis
‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot
Kathryn Randall Collins

————————————————-

[The four contestants are in each corner.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And we are about ready to go. Twenty women. Referee is Ron Martin.

START:
Ninja Kitty, Corrina Romanov, Kathryn Randall Collins and ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot

1st MINUTE
[Romanov, Ninja Kitty, KRC, and Harlot occupy each corner. The referee calls for the bell and we’re off. They brawl right away with the KRC edging out control. Corrina Romanov gets tossed over the top rope pretty quick.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And there’s the first elimination of the match.

Rick Hall: And to be fair to Corrina, I don’t believe she’s wrestled a competitive match in a few years now.

[Head scissors by KRC and double dropkick by KRC and Harlot sends Ninja Kitty reeling to the corner. s KRC hits a backstabber on Ninja Kitty. The time runs down and the buzzer sounds.]

IN:
Elaine Brazier and Regina McGill

Thunderbolt Smith: Brazier and Regina McGill in and we have five women in the ring.

2nd MINUTE
[
McGill and Brazier tackle KRC and ground and pound. Harlot fires up until McGill attacks her knee not unlike the infamous Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan incident. McGill and Brazier whips KRC into Harlot. Then Ninja Kitty tosses KRC from the ring just as the buzzer sounds.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And that’s surprising. KRC is out in the first two minutes.

Rick Hall: To be fair, she really hasn’t wrestled a whole lot in the past few months.

IN:
C.J. Lewis and Leah Iris

3rd MINUTE
[Lewis and Iris roll into the ring to join the fray.]

Thunderbolt Smith: We’ve got the former Hooter’s waitress C.J. Lewis in along with ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris.

Nate Silver: Still liking my prediction of Sheline Carrigan at eighty percent. In case anyone’s wondering.

[Lewis and Iris run wild and take down both Brazier and Yoder. Clotheslines follow from all directions. Iris dropkicks Brazier into McGill. Lewis hits a running shooting star press off the back of Iris and obliterates Brazier. The buzzer sounds…]

IN:
‘Rowdie’ Randie Pfieffer and Sarah Mae Smith

4th MINUTE
[Pfieffer and Smith in.]

[Pfieffer and Smith immediately lay in chops on their opponents. Smith hits a dropkick. Pfieffer follows with knee strikes. Ninja Kitty hits series of back breakers. But they can’t eliminate anyone. Buzzer sounds and the blue crowd lets out a roar.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And here we go. Here comes the I3W star and former Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion, Sheline Carrigan!

IN:
Sheline Carrigan and Deanna Phillips

5th MINUTE
[Sheline hits the ring with Phillips and they run wild, hitting everyone that moves. Ninja Kitty gets dumped to the floor.]

Nate Silver: Carrigan still at eighty percent to win.

Thunderbolt Smith: Sheline looks dangerous.

Rick Hall: She always looks dangerous.

[Phillips strikes and knee strikes. McGill tries to cut him off with a sleeper, but gets back into the corner turnbuckle. Carrigan body slams Smith and powerbombs Brazier. She then lawn darts Brazier into the corner turnbuckle and eject her over the top rope to the floor.]

Nate Silver: Carrigan at eighty-five percent. That looked awesome.

Thunderbolt Smith: I can’t argue with that.

[The buzzer sounds.]

IN:
Svetlana Kovaleski and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas

6th MINUTE
[Kovaleski and Dallas run down armed with steel folding chairs.]

Rick Hall: And they’ve come bearing gifts.

[Kovaleski and Dallas conchairto Harlot, and run wild with chair shots.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Jesus, if Carrigan decides to use weapons it’s definitely game over.

[They slam Harlot into the corner turnbuckle, and then work over Iris. McGill clotheslines Harlot up and over the top rope.]

Nate Silver: Eh…maybe Carrigan at sixty percent to win.

Thunderbolt Smith: You’re hedging? Really?

[Lewis is then sent over the top rope and McGill gets double-team shoved over as the buzzer sounds.]

Thunderbolt Smith: C.J. Lewis and Regina McGill are eliminated…HOLY CRAP!

IN:
Dr. Annabel ‘From Hannibal’ Lecker and Jennifer Diamond

7th MINUTE
[As Dr. Lecker and Diamond hit the ring with buckets of plunder and trashcans as well.. They place it in the corner and then the fun begins. Carrigan attacks with a kendo stick and smashes Kovaleski’s fingers with her boots. Body slam by Phillips on Dallas and Lewis grabs a kendo stick and whacks everyone in sight as Carrigan hits a high cross on Pfieffer. Phillips whips Pfieffer over the top.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And now it’s picking up!

Rick Hall: Sheline Carrigan with a kendo stick is a scary sight.

Nate Silver: Seventy percent for Sheline Carrigan.

IN:
Gwen Varney and Yosemite Samantha

8th MINUTE
[Varney and Yosemite Samantha rush in while several wrestlers run wild with weapon shots. Iris and Diamond get a chain and they continue to attack.   They blast Smith with a chain shot. Phillips then sends her over the top rope.]

Nate Silver: Seventy-five percent.

Rick Hall: I think Sheline’s looking good.

Thunderbolt Smith: You’re not going to take your shirt off like Chelsea Handler, are you?

Rick Hall: Huh…HEY!

[Kovaleski cuts off Dr. Lecker. Dallas fights back and puts a trash can over Iris’s head and dropkicks her. Phillips then slams Dallas onto Varney. Yosemite Samantha slams Diamond onto Iris and the buzzer sounds.]

Thunderbolt Smith: This is the last two entries.

IN:
Carrieanne McDermott and Poison Penny

9th MINUTE
[And down comes the final two. Poison Penny hits the ring ready to take down anything that moves. McDermott on the other hand seeks out Sheline Carrigan. She glares at her and then…]

Thunderbolt Smith: WAIT A MINUTE! MCDERMOTT IS ATTACKING CARRIGAN?

Rick Hall: HERE WE GO!

[McDermott and Carrigan battle it out leaving the others to brawl amongst themselves. Sarah Mae Smith is eliminated first. ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris goes next…]

12th MINUTE
[…Dallas and Varney also are eliminated. Svetlana Kovaleski is in big trouble as Phillips and Diamond attempt to dump her over the top rope. Kovaleski hangs on to the rope for dear life…even wrapping her legs around the top rope. Yosemite Samantha sneaks in and dispatches Phillips…then Diamond. Poison Penny tries her hand in sending Kovaleski over and instead Yosemite Samantha sends Penny over the top rope. Dr. Lecker attacks Yosemite Samantha and clotheslines her over the top…but Yosemite Samantha grabs on to her and pulls Dr. Lecker down with him.]

Thunderbolt Smith: WE ARE DOWN TO THREE.

Nate Silver: Eighty-five percent for Sheline Carrigan.

Thunderbolt Smith: If they can stop fighting each other.

13th MINUTE
[Svetlana Kovaleski continues to hang on to the top rope. Carrigan continues to battle with McDermott. Carrigan whips McDermott into the ropes towards Kovaleski. McDermott hits Kovaleski and nearly dislodges her from the ropes. Carrigan then steps up and delivers a superkick that snaps McDermott’s head back and sends her over the top rope.]

Nate Silver: Ninety-five percent for Sheline Carrigan.

[McDermott tries to grab on to the top rope but instead snags Kovaleski and takes her down to the floor.]

Nate Silver: One hundred percent!

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: That’s it! She did it. Sheline Carrigan wins the Battle Royale match!

[Kimber Marshall in the ring to make it all official and such.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winners at twelve minutes and fifty seconds…’THE CANADIAN CYBORG’ SHELINE CARRIGAN!

Rick Hall: Pretty impressive.

Nate Silver: I had it right all along.

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh yeah, you weren’t the least bit worried. (#sarcasm)

[Referee Ron Martin holds up Carrigan’s arm in victory.]

==

THE WORLD’S MOST UNINTERESTING MAN
[Backstage interviewer Blair Moise stands in the middle of a crowded parking lot.]

Blair Moise: Blair Moise here and I am waiting for the next potential candidate to be the next challenger in the upcoming Missouri Valley Wrestling Title match.

[Blair checks her watch.]

Blair Moise: In fact, I’ve waiting for ten minutes for him to show up.

[Off in the distance, music can be heard. Thumping bass. Then headlights.]

Blair Moise: Well, there appears to be someone coming now.

[Headlights become a full-fledged car. And not the car you’d think it’d be.]

Blair Moise: That’s a…an Oldsmobile Cutlass?

[A 1995 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera no less. Commonly known as one of the most boring cars in the world.]

Blair Moise: Oof.

[The music with the thumping bass is actually the drumfill before what is known as the ‘Barry Manilow key change.’]

Blair Moise: What. The hell. Is this?

[The key change introduces the final dramatic chorus of the classic Barry Manilow hit ‘I Write the Songs’…blaring through an incredibly sophisticated in car stereo system. The Olds Cutlass pulls up to Blair and stops.]

Blair Moise: O-oooo-kay.

[The front door opens and a man gets out of the car.]

Blair Moise: Who are you?

Man: Tom. Tom Smith.

Tom Smith
HT: 5’10” WT: 170 / HOME: New York, NY

FIN: Dull Roar

Blair Moise: Tom, you want to wrestle for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title?

[Tom shakes his head.]

Tom Smith: Yeah. Sure.

[Awkward silence follows as Blair waits for elaboration. It doesn’t come.]

Blair Moise: Um…why do you want to wrestle for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title?

Tom Smith: Well? Because I’d like to be the champ-…uh…hold on.

[Smith turns his head…hocks a loogie…and spits it out on the ground.]

Blair Moise (slightly repulsed): Ew.

Tom Smith: I’d…a…like to be the champion.

[Again Blair, who’s trying hard not to look at the egg colored phlegm ball a foot away from her on the ground, gives Smith a chance to make his case.]

[…waiting…]

[…waiting…]

[…waiting…]

Blair Moise: Okay. Let’s try this. Tom, what do they call you?

Tom Smith: Tom.

Blair Moise: No, no. A nickname. You’ve got to have nickname, yes?

[Tom scratches his chin.]

Tom Smith: Well? I have been called the ‘Most Uninteresting Man in the World.’

Blair Moise: No way!

Tom Smith: Yes.

Blair Moise: And as if I already don’t have the answer, what makes you so darn uninteresting?

[Smith points to something inside his car. The camera zooms in. It’s a pile of orange traffic cones stacked up in the back seat.]

Tom Smith: I collect old traffic cones.

[Blair doubletakes.]

Blair Moise: You collect old…traffic…cones?

Tom Smith: I think’s its quite interesting. Don’t you?

Blair Moise: Not really.

[Smith pulls another cone from the car.]

Tom Smith: See, I even made a cone just for you.

[CLOSE UP: The cone has a scrawled out drawing purporting to be a caricature of Blair.]

Blair Moise: Oh.

[And Blair decides that’s enough.]

Blair Moise: And that’s all the time we have…thanks Tom!

[She quickly exits.]

Blair Moise (off-camera): What the *BLEEP*-ing hell Thunderbolt?

==

CSPN MARK SPLITTER SPEAKS
[Splitter climbs into the ring.]

Mark Splitter: CSPN, THE worldwide corporate forerunner in sports entertainment, says this is most acceptable. CSPN has invested millions of dollars into the SEC and vicariously Missouri Valley Wrestling. With that comes a certain expectation of a standard of programming.

[‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion Charlie Blackwell join Splitter. Behind them stands SEC mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, Kirk Walstreit, P.M.C. Banks, ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver, Miley Vyrus, and Country…er…Pop Songstress Taylor Switt- holding her ever present guitar overfilled with baby powder that leaks wherever she goes. Finebaum holds up one finger to signify that the SEC are number one.]

Mark Splitter: Charlie Blackwell is the Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion. CSPN is pleased to see that the SEC has taken their rightful place at the top because that’s the reason CSPN partnered with the SEC in the first place. Sports entertainment is in our DNA. Mr. McMann…MVW Champion Charlie Blackwell… epitomizes everything about sports entertainment.

Mr. McMann: That’s why the action that was taken against former champion William Daniels Bryan had to take place. Bryan. You had a nice run. But your time is done. I don’t know who Jill Berg has dredged up to wrestle Charlie tonight, but he’d better be ready. He’s not just wrestling Charlie Blackwell. He’s wrestling the whole damn SEC.

Charlie Blackwell: Hold on Mr. McMann.

[McMann points to Blackwell who takes over.]

Charlie Blackwell: Let’s not insult my intelligence or what intelligence exists out in the crowd. Anyone with an IQ of a brick can see what’s happening here. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together. It’s going to be Ray McAvay-

[And the crowd pops. Blackwell shakes his head and waits them out.]

Charlie Blackwell: Yeah whatever. It’s McAvay. I know it. You know it. The whole world knows it.

[Blackwell takes a quick spin around the ring.]

Charlie Blackwell And it’s not going to matter one damn bit. Ray was a great champion…last year. Charlie Blackwell is a great champion…this year. Ray, I know one of the reasons you’re coming back now is because of what happened to William Daniels Bryan two weeks ago. Ray, I’m not sure you’ve made a real good decision here in coming back at this time. I’ve been at the top for over five months and I have to say, I kind of like it. I like it so much, that I’m willing to do just about anything to stay at the top-

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS-2, SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT-0
[The video screen goes live. The picture on the screen is of great interest to Mr. McMann.]

Mr. McMann: What the hell is this?

[The SEC all turn and see what’s on the screen- Dawn McGill strapped down to a long board with a three quart stainless steel strainer (just purchased from a local grocery store) plopped down on the top of her head with the ‘New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five menacingly hovering above her.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh my… the ‘new age cybertronic criminally insane rogue sentient wrestling machine’ Ultratron-Five has Dawn McGill prisoner!

Rick Hall: You just love saying that.

[‘Wires’ extend from the stainless steel strainer to a obviously fake computer board that Ultratron-Five is ‘attached’ to.]

Rick Hall: Yeah. I don’t think this even equates as B-movie or even C-movie. It’s something two people threw together with a crappy I-phone to put on You Tube.

Ultratron-Five (in cheesy, bad B-movie metallic voice): And now Dawn McGill, when I pull down this lever, you will become my valet forever. Ha. Ha-ha. Bwha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha-ha.

Rick Hall: Cool. There’s even cheesy laughing.

Dawn McGill (mock horror): Oh no! What am I going to do?

[Back in the ring, McMann does not find this the least amusing.]

Mr. McMann: Okay…okay. Look, this was funny. It’s not so funny anymore. Dawn, let’s go. It’s time to get serious-

[Dawn rolls her eyes and glances over at Ultratron-Five. Ultratron-Five pulls down on the lever. The ‘machine’ starts (think uber-cheesy electronic sound effects you probably haven’t heard since the 1980’s) and Dawn…after missing a couple beats…stiffens up as if something is actually happening to her.]

Mr. McMann: Dawn…DAWN! AW COME ON! THIS IS THE BIG LEAGUES NOW AND-

[Dawn adds some rudimentary convulsing to make it look good.]

Mr. McMann: STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

[The ‘machine’ stops whatever it’s doing. Ultratron-Five unties Dawn and she stands up. Her face is blank…okay…as blank as someone who’s trying not to laugh or crack a smile can be.]

Ultratron-Five: And now earthling valet, what are we going to do starting tonight?

Dawn McGill: I must help Ultratron-Five take over Missouri Valley Wrestling.

[Mr. McMann snaps. He stomps up and down in the ring over and over.]

Mr. McMann: YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF THIS! YOU HEAR ME?

[McMann exits the ring and heads to the back, muttering to himself the entire way.]

Thunderbolt Smith: That was thoroughly enjoyable.

Rick Hall: Dude, keyfabe.

Thunderbolt Smith: Oh…right.

[Thunderbolt adds a little pinch of drama to his presentation.]

Thunderbolt Smith (overdramatically): OH, THE HUMANITY…WHO WILL SAVE DAWN McGILL NOW? WHO CAN STOP ULTRATRON-FIVE?

[Thunderbolt takes a breath.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Better?

Rick Hall: Yeah, that’ll do.

Thunderbolt Smith: I think if we’re learned anything over the past year, Dawn McGIll is the Queen of Passive Aggressiveness.

Rick Hall: That is, until you really piss her off. Oh, what’s the score now?

Thunderbolt Smith: Passive Aggressiveness- two. Sports Entertainment- zero.

==

WE ARE SCIENTIFIC WRESTLERS
[Backstage, the MVW’s Tag Team champions Dork Dynasty’s Leonard and Sheldon Robertson hang with a very busy Blair Moise before their title defense.]

Blair Moise: I am here with nerdy duck call, decoy fabricators, and master’s students- the Dork Dynasty. Leonard. Sheldon. Thoughts on your upcoming match with the Island of Misfit Wrestlers.

Sheldon Robertson: Here we are.  Standing on the shoulders of the giants of great scientific wrestlers like Lou Thesz, Bruno Sammartino, Verne Gagne…and they all pale in comparison to me.

Leonard Robertson: Sheldon!

Sheldon Robertson: Well, it’s true.  And you’re supposed to agree with me.  It’s on page 532 of the Tag Team Partnership Agreement.

Sheldon holds up a 627 page, hardcover bound, book.

Leonard Robertson: At least I have your back.

Sheldon Robertson: Of course you do.  That’s on page 134 of the Tag Team Partner Agreement.”

Blair Moise: Any thought on the match.

Leonard Robertson: Um…we obviously know that Rah and Halitosis were former Missouri Valley Wrestling tag team champions which means they have to be good wrestlers.

Sheldon Robertson: NOT AS GOOD AS ME!

Leonard Robertson: But still…they were champions. They’ll be a threat. We’ll have to work hard to defeat them.

Sheldon Robertson: THEY STILL AREN’T AS GOOD AS ME!

Leonard Robertson: No. But we’ll still have

Sheldon Robertson: BUT THEY STILL AREN’T AS GOOD AS I AM!

Blair Moise: And why did you send your valets Penny and Amy out to attack Rah earlier in the show.

Sheldon Robertson: Let me try to answer that question in a manner of which you’ll understand. When monkeys try to display their dominance, they engage in a ritual that results in a penile display. When wrestlers try to display their dominance, they often engage in underhanded skullduggery including a little sabotage and sneak attacks. So that’s what we may or may not have done.

Leonard Robertson: You did. We did.

Blair Moise: So even though you feel you are the greatest scientific wrestler known to mankind, you still believe you need to indulge in cheap attacks on your opponents.

Sheldon Robertson: It’s pretty common…at least during the Memphis Wrestling years in the mid 1980’s.

Leonard Robertson: Just be happy he didn’t decide to use fire. I had to talk him out of that one.

Sheldon Robertson: I thought about taking a sledgehammer to their cars. But Rah has a bus and that would have been too much effort.

Blair Moise: Okay then. Good luck tonight. The Dork Dynasty will be taking on challengers Rah and Halitosis for the Tag Team Title in just a moment.

[Cut to Thunderbolt and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And that moment is now. Kimber Marshall. Take it away!

—————————————————————-

MATCH #8 – MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
Red Brand Tag Team Champions
The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson with valets Penny and Amy ©

Island of Misfit Wrestlers: ‘The Luchador with Insanely Bad Breath’ Halitosis and Rah with Regina McGill

—————————————————————-

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is for the MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TAG TEAM TITLE!

[The crowd cheers.]

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first…

[Regina McGill, manager of the Dork Dynasty, comes out first. Nothing fancy. Regina has a t-shirt that says ‘Island of Misfit Wrestlers’ on the front and simply walks out to the stage.]

Kimber Marshall: Managed by Regina McGill…

[Next, a lucha wrestler walks out on the ramp.  He is dressed in all black with a giant ‘H’ on the front of his shirt.  He also has a strange greenish haze emitting from his mouth.]

Kimber Marshall: …hailing from the Island of Misfit Wrestlers and weighing in tonight at one hundred seventy pounds.  He is the ‘Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene.’  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you- HALITOSIS!

[Halitosis pumps his first in the air and then starts down the ramp towards the ring.  He slap people’s hands along the way and then says hello to a young fan in the front row- the fan promptly collapses when he get a whiff of his breath.]

[Halitosis then moves on to the next one.  He says hello.  The fan gets a blast of his breath and falls to the ground.]

[He continues on to greet the fans along the way- oblivious to the carnage he leaves behind.]

[Halitosis reaches the ring area and continues to greet people around the front row.  Again, they all pass out once they get downwind of his breath and soon, the scene looks like a set of dominos falling over as she goes around the perimeter.  He climbs up on the ring apron and leaps over the top rope into the ring.]

[He goes to shake Kimber’s hand but the ring announcer bolts for the other side of the ring and tries to keep a safe distance away.  Shrugging his shoulders, Halitosis looks out over the ropes and raises his arms in the air.]

Kimber Marshall: And his partner, from-

[Kimber is interrupted by a man dressed in an expensive suit and bow-tie who’s just climbed into the ring.  He elbows her out of the way and gestures for Kimber to take a temporary powder because he’s the one who’s been given the honor and privilege of introducing a living deity.]

Announcer Guy: Hit it!

[Over the loudspeaker, a buzzing synth sound blares and the announcer guy raises the microphone to his mouth.]

Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 33 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

[He pauses and looks out at the crowd as the lights turn off.  A small spotlight illuminates the ramp where the BeachBronze Suntan Bikini Girls are standing.]

[The bikini girls pose on the ramp.  Then two large, hulking men carry out a golden sedan chair holding a six foot eight inch, two hundred and eighty pound man dressed in long flowing robes inside.]

Announcer Guy: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason it’s eighty degrees outside and not minus four hundred and fifty-nine point six seven…and the reason Brian Wilson wrote all those great songs…ladies and gentlemen…bow down before the Sunshine God…

[Rah’s friend and middle-aged folk singer Happy Mango follows strumming a guitar along with the omnipresent Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy.]

Announcer Guy: …RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[The procession stops at the ring steps. Rah climbs out of his golden sedan chair and prepares to climb into the ring.]

[Kimber rips the microphone back from Rah’s announcer guy. She starts to head for the ropes but her right leg doesn’t move. Looking down, Kimber is dismayed to see Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy hanging on to her leg.]

Kimber Marshall: THEY ARE THE ISLAND OF MISFIT WRESTLERS!…(out of the side of her mouth)…Bob, let go of my leg.

[She tries to shake her leg to get Bob off of her.]

Kimber Marshall: AND THEIR OPPONENTS…

*’Big Bang Theory Theme’- Barenaked Ladies*

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started
Wait the Earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools

[Penny and Amy come out first.]

We built a wall
(We built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the Big Bang…BANG!

Kimber Marshall: WEIGHING IN TONIGHT AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE POUNDS. THEY ARE THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

[Leonard and Sheldon Robertson appear holding up their MVW Tag Team title belts for everyone to see.]

Kimber Marshall: Nerdy duck call, decoy fabricators, and master’s students…LEONARD ROBERTSON. SHELDON ROBERTSON. THEY ARE THE DORK DYNASTY!

[Penny and Amy lead the way as Leonard and Sheldon walk towards the ring. Penny is dressed in heels and a black overcoat. Amy has a frumpy flowery dress on.]

Kimber Marshall: Brent Payson is your referee.

[Kimber then turns to exit the ring, dragging the one leg because Bob Nye won’t let go of it.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Rick? This should be an interesting match.

Rick Hall: Well, the Dork Dynasty are truly scientific wrestlers in every sense of the word. That is their forte. That is what they do the best. Rah and Halitosis? Rah has a basic power move set. Halitosis does the typical lucha stuff but you can get knocked out if you let him breathe on you.

Thunderbolt Smith: Don’t discount what Regina McGill brings to the match. She’s not just window dressing.

Rick Hall: No she’s not Thunderbolt. Regina McGill brings an element that Penny and Amy do not for the Dork Dynasty. She can handle herself in the ring. She’s not afraid to get in and mix it up if that’s what it takes to get her team over.

Thunderbolt Smith: Brent Payson is ready to call for the bell.

—————————————

The Dork Dynasty
Leonard Robertson
HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 180 / HOME: Pasadena, CA
FIN: The Big Bang Theory
Valet: Penny
Sheldon Robertson
HT: 6′ 4″ WT: 195 / HOME: Pasadena, CA
FIN: The Big Bang Theory
Valet: Amy

The Island of Misfit Wrestlers
MGR: Regina McGill
Rah!: The Sunshine God 
HT: 6’ 8” WT: 295 HOME: San Diego, CA
FIN: Eye of RAHHHHHHH!
‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis
HT: 6’ 0” WT: 195 / HOME: Chattanooga, TN
FIN: Imploding Senton Bomb

Referee: Brent Payson

—————————————–

*DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And we are under way!

1st MINUTE
[Both Rah and Halitosis attack at the bell. Rah hip checks Leonard up and over the ropes to the floor. Rah slams into Sheldon and sends him flying into the ropes. Rah then runs the ropes and again charges into Sheldon again. Penny tries to jump on Rah’s back. The Sunshine God flips her over. Rah and Halitosis double team Sheldon and throw him out of the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Rah and Halitosis start quick.

Rick Hall: It’s going to be interesting the tactics Regina McGill comes up with for this match.

Thunderbolt Smith: I know this much. Neither team will be having themselves what we call a ‘hoss fight.’ It’s going to be an interesting clash of styles.

4th MINUTE
[…Sheldon attacks Halitosis from behind with strikes and kicks. Halitosis spins around and fires back with a back kick. Rah in and dumps a charging Leonard to the floor. Halitosis hits the shooting star to the floor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: This match has been a disjointed mess so far.

Rick Hall: Again, I think we see the strategy being utilized by Rah and Halitosis. They want to create chaos which makes it harder for the Dorks to use their scientific wrestling ability.

5th MINUTE
[Sheldon immediately jumps Halitosis and hits an overhead belly to belly. Sheldon follows with a springboard bulldog. He chops away at Halitosis and pushes him into the ring post. Sheldon tags in Leonard. He rushes in and runs into a running uppercut. Takedown by Halitosis.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Cover!

[One…]

[Two…Leonard powers out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Too early and it’s going to take a lot more than that to take out the Dork Dynasty.

Rick Hall: Agreed.

6th MINUTE
[Leonard continues with strikes. Rah sneaks in and takes out his knee and climbs the top turnbuckle. Rah hits the lionsault and covers…]

Rick Hall: Didn’t know Rah had that in his move set.

Thunderbolt Smith: Neither did I.

[One…]

[Two…Leonard kicks out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Pretty easy kick out for Leonard.

[He tags Sheldon back in. Halitosis tags in Rah. Rah misses a charge. Sheldon hits a knee strike and a standing dropkick. Rah wipes him out with a clothesline. Sheldon tags Leonard in. Rah takes him down and grounds things. He attacks with rights. Leonard sweeps the leg and follows with a knee strike. He’s flips Rah over. Cover.]

[One…]

[Two…Halitosis makes the save.]

[Leonard hits a stunner on Rah and he covers…]

[One…]

[Two…Halitosis makes the save again.]

Rick Hall: Halitosis had to get in there twice. Leonard with crisp moves nearly had Rah beat.

7th MINUTE
[Rah fires back with strikes to Leonard. Leonard hits an enziguri to Rah and tags Sheldon back in. Rah belly to bellies Sheldon immediately. But Sheldon then drives a forearm to Rah’s back. Short powerbomb by Rah to Sheldon. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…Sheldon gets the shoulder up.]

[Rah presses. Sheldon fights off a suplex but then eats a belly to back suplex. Leonard looks to springboard in. Rah accidently bumps the referee into the ropes and causes Leonard to crotch himself on the top rope. In the confusion, Sheldon hits Rah with a chin checker and rolls him up.]

[One…]

[Two…Rah powers out…]

Thunderbolt Smith: Fast action does not favor Rah and Halitosis.

10th MINUTE
[…Rah crawls over and tags Halitosis back in. Sheldon and Halitosis engage. They throw rights and lefts back and forth. Leonard goes top turnbuckle- dropkicks Halitosis. He then goes top turnbuckle again. Halitosis rakes Sheldon’s eyes and catches Leonard on the ropes. One delayed suplex later, Halitosis covers.]

[One…]

[Two…Sheldon makes the save.]

Rick Hall: The Dorks are trying to stay even keeled because that’s where their scientific style will be the most effective. Rah and Halitosis are succeeding in keeping them off balance and that’s causing the tag champions a lot of problems.

11th MINUTE
[Halitosis tags Rah back in. Leonard has to wait an extra couple seconds and then he tags Sheldon in. Rah with rights to Sheldon.   Halitosis with rights to Leonard.

Thunderbolt Smith: All four men in the ring and it’s still chaotic!

[Sheldon drop toeholds Rah. He tries to belly to back suplex Rah. Rah counters and covers.]

[One…]

[Two…Sheldon puts a foot on the bottom rope.]

[Leonard shoves Rah from behind. Halitosis comes off the turnbuckle and missile dropkicks Leonard in the balls.]

Rick Hall: Interesting move. How did he think of that?

Thunderbolt Smith: He just did.

[Rah lifts an unsuspecting Sheldon in position…lifts…and slams him to the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: EYE OF RAHHHHHHHH!

Rick Hall: We could have new champions!

Thunderbolt Smith: COVER!

[Rah hooks the leg. But no count. Why? Referee Payson is a little distracted. Amy poses with her frumpy shirt. Payson shrugs.]

Amy: Hey!

[Penny drops the black overcoat revealing a tight strapless black dress accentuated with a push-up bra…now Payson pays attention.]

Amy: HEY!

Thunderbolt Smith: Penny and Amy just made the save!

Rick Hall: Did not think we would see that.

[Halitosis goes ballistic. He jumps into the ring and gets in the referee’s face. Payson collapses after taking one whiff of Halitosis’s breath and he’s out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Referee bump…sort of.

Rick Hall: Did not think we’d see that either.

12th MINUTE
[Halitosis rolls the referee out of the ring. Rah is livid and chases after Dork Dynasty valets Penny and Amy who take off for the back.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Um, where is Rah going?

[Halitosis is beside himself. Regina McGill doesn’t know what to do. Referee Ron Martin races down to the ring and immediately starts a ten count on Rah.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Referee Brent Payson is out. Ron Martin just took his place. Rah went after Penny and Amy and if he’s not careful, he’s going to get the Island of Misfit Wrestlers counted out of the match.

13th MINUTE
[Rah sprints back to the ring and dives in just before he was counted out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Just…in…time!

Rick Hall: Rah can run fast when he puts his mind to it.

Thunderbolt Smith: He shouldn’t have left ringside in the first place and now he’s paying a price.

[Sheldon and Leonard double clothesline an exhausted Rah and send him up and over the top rope. Halitosis attacks both Dorks from behind. Rah gets right back in and the four men brawl.]

14th MINUTE
[Referee Martin tries to restore order. But that’s complicated when all four men are brawling all around ringside. He does not decide to start a count…yet.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Despite the fact that Rah and Halitosis have wrestled the match they’ve wanted to wrestle, the Dorks have managed to stay one step ahead of them.

[Sheldon and Leonard steamroll Rah. Leonard then climbs up the corner turnbuckle and splashes Rah.]

Rick Hall: I think Rah’s run out of gas.

[Halitosis suddenly realizes he’s the last man standing against the Dorks.]

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s two versus one.

15th MINUTE
[Halitosis fires up and hits the basement dropkick on Sheldon. Leonard lariats Halitosis and then sends him to the buckles. Sheldon follows and hits the splash.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Now the Dorks have gained the upper hand.

[Halitosis tries to use his breath again. Sheldon avoids…fires a right hand. He pulls Halitosis down to the mat and slaps on his submission- the Indian Death Lock.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Sheldon’s put a submission hold on Halitosis.

Rick Hall: And Rah’s still dazed.

[Quick cut to the floor. Rah = no condition to make the save.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I think Sheldon’s got him.

[Halitosis tries to fight out but time runs out. He taps.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And the Dork Dynasty will retain.

[Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: YOUR WINNERS AT FOURTEEN MINUTES AND FORTY-ONE SECONDS…AND STILL THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! THE DORK DYNASTY!

[Ron Martin hands the Dorks the title belts.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Not an easy title defense. The Dorks were not in their comfort zone tonight but yet they managed to win the match.

Rick Hall: I was counting the ways the Dorks where going to try and get themselves disqualified…it was that bad. Give them credit. They took Rah and Haltosis’s best shots and here they are…still the champions.

==

THE SHOW IN REVIEW
[Cut back to Smith and Hall at the broadcast desk.]

Thunderbolt Smith: As we are getting ready for our main event, let’s review and run down the earlier results…

MATCH #1
Jack Fraiser w/his Oootlander Blaire Rendell vs. Ken Worth- American Trucker

Fraiser takes control and grounds Worth again. Fraiser hits a plancha and then gets a cradle.]

Thunderbolt Smith: CRADLE BY FRAISER!

[ONE…]

[TWO…WAIT! WORTH ROLLS THROUGH!]

[But suddenly, Worth has Fraiser’s shoulders pinned to the mat.

Thunderbolt Smith: AFTER ALL THAT, COULD WORTH SOMEHOW PULL OUT THIS MATCH!

[One…]

[Two…Blaire Rendell runs in and flips Fraiser back on top. Referee counts…]

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE.]

*DING…DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: Nope! Fraiser gets the win.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at eight minutes and twenty seconds…JACK FRAISER!

[The referee raises Fraiser’s hand in victory.]

MATCH #2
‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler vs. Couch Potato

[Butler and Couch Potato exchange ‘pleasantries.’ Couch Potato then becomes distracted by the ring technician munching on a couple of the Twinkies at ringside.]

Thunderbolt Smith: The match is under way but both men don’t seem to realize it.

Rick Hall: I’m sure there’s strategy involved here Thunderbolt. Not sure what it is, but I’m sure there’s strategy involve-

[Suddenly from behind, Butler rolls up Couch Potato into a big ball.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SCHOOLBOY ROLL UP! COVER!

[The referee slides in.] [One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

[Butler jumps up and pumps his fist in the air. Couch Potato is stunned with the result.]

MATCH #3-THREE WAY TAG TEAM MATCH:
Sports Entertainment Corporation: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with a Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ Kirk Walstreit vs. The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny vs. Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb

[H-Bomb’s out cold. Hank drags him away from the ropes. He’s about to go for a cover but Kirk Walstreit, who’d slid back into the ring, darts towards him. He pushes Hank who’s flung backwards into, up, and over the top rope to the floor.]

[A-Bomb tries to climb into the ring. Banks grabs him by the leg and yanks him off the ring apron.]

[Walstreit covers. Sufferable makes the count…]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT!

[The MVW fans fill the arena with cheers.]

Kimber Marshall: The winners of the match at ten minutes, twelve seconds…THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION!

MATCH #4
‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller vs. Ultratron-Five

[Miller simply walks up to Ultratron-Five…lifts him up in the air by the neck…and slams him hard to the mat causing a couple pieces of the b-movie robot suit to fly off.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dastardly Slam by Miller and Ultratron-Five is falling apart.

Rick Hall: Literally.

[Suddenly, Miller rolls him up.]

[The referee slides in.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Three.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And that would be it.

MATCH #5 – MVW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Christa Carmondy © vs. ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin

[Each woman staggers after getting hit, spittle flying off their faces as their heads snap back. Carmondy seizes the advantage after she connects a slobberknocker of a punch and Martin crumbles to the mat.]

7th MINUTE
[Carmondy pulls Martin into the center of the ring. Roll up cover.

[One…]

[Two…]

[NO…Martin reverses Carmondy.]

[One…

[Two…]

[NO…Carmondy reverses.]

[One…Martin reverses.]

[One…reverse.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE!]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: Wait a minute! Who won!

Rick Hall: It happened too fast for me. I don’t know.

[Referee Brent Payson emphatically makes the call for Christa Carmondy.]

MATCH #6 – MVW HEARTLAND TITLE MATCH
‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson © vs. SNAFU with E.J. Flack

[Indeed, Dickinson climbs to the top turnbuckle, leaps off, and cannonballs down onto SNAFU.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Top rope Cannonball splash and that may do it!

Rick Hall: I felt the ground move.

11th MINUTE
[Dickinson hooks the legs.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE! The referee immediately calls for the bell.]

Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT!

*DING-DING-DING-DING*

Rick Hall: Wow!

[Kimber Marshall back in the ring with the final word.]

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and STILL THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING HEARTLAND CHAMPION! ‘REDNECK’…BILL…DICKINSON!

Thunderbolt Smith: Bill Dickinson outlasts SNAFU and he remains the Heartland Champion!

MATCH # 7 – MVW WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYALE MATCH

[Svetlana Kovaleski continues to hang on to the top rope. Carrigan continues to battle with McDermott. Carrigan whips McDermott into the ropes towards Kovaleski. McDermott hits Kovaleski and nearly dislodges her from the ropes. Carrigan then steps up and delivers a superkick that snaps McDermott’s head back and sends her over the top rope.]

Nate Silver: Ninety-five percent for Sheline Carrigan.

[McDermott tries to grab on to the top rope but instead snags Kovaleski and takes her down to the floor.]

Nate Silver: One hundred percent!

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: That’s it! She did it. Sheline Carrigan wins the Battle Royale match!

MATCH #8 – MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
Red Brand Tag Team Champions
The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson © vs. Island of Misfit Wrestlers: ‘The Luchador with Insanely Bad Breath’ Halitosis and Rah

[Halitosis tries to use his breath again. Sheldon avoids…fires a right hand. He pulls Halitosis down to the mat and slaps on his submission- the Indian Death Lock.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Sheldon’s put a submission hold on Halitosis.

Rick Hall: And Rah’s still dazed.

[Quick cut to the floor. Rah = no condition to make the save.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I think Sheldon’s got him.

[Halitosis tries to fight out but time runs out. He taps.]

*DING-DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: And the Dork Dynasty will retain.

———————————————-

MAIN EVENT- MVW TITLE MATCH

Charlie Blackwell with the SEC ©

vs.

TBD

———————————————-

Thunderbolt Smith: And now…it’s time. Kimber Marshall. Take it away.

[Cut to the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: LAAAAY-DEEES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS OUR MAIN EVENT AND IT IS FOR THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TITLE!

[Everyone is up on their feet.]

‘As Is’- Van Halen

[The arena lets loose with a loud round of boos when Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion Charlie Blackwell pops out on stage.]

Yesterday I was a bum and broke
Today I am a star and broke
In this town that’s called progress
And that’s how we do biz

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor
Rich was better, totally better
Requires a degree of acceptance
As in: “must accept as is.”

[Blackwell is followed by ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, SEC mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, P.M.C. Banks, Kirk Walstreit, ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver.]

Drive my search engine home
Dropped, chopped, Alabama chrome
Hey what the hell it runs, so…
The day is dunzo
Let’s have some funzo
Your’s very truly
-As Is.

Kimber Marshall: INTRODUCING FIRST…HE IS THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING CHAMPION…FROM DALLAS, TEXAS…

[Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt also join the group.]

Kimber Marshall: …WEIGHING IN TONIGHT AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FOUR POUNDS. HE IS ‘CHARLIE WRESTLING’…

[Vyrus holds up a placard that reads ‘CHARLIE WRESTLING- SEC’.]

Kimber Marshall: …PLEASE WELCOME CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

[Blackwell turns his back and shows off his robe which also says ‘Charlie Wrestling’ on the back. He turns to McMann and nods. Then the SEC begin their walk to the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion Charlie Blackwell and the SEC make their way towards the ring.

Rick Hall: MVW CEO Jill Berg is punishing Blackwell for the premeditated attack on William Daniels Bryan two weeks ago by making him…the MVW Champion…come out first. By the way, I think Charlie’s right. I think it’s Ray McAvay who’s going to wrestle him tonight.

[Blackwell rolls into the ring and raises his arms to the sky. The crowd thunders down its disapproval.]

Thunderbolt Smith: The MVW faithful is letting Charlie Blackwell know what they think of what he and the SEC did to William Daniels Bryan.

Rick Hall: I don’t think Charlie cares much. In fact, it looks like Blackwell’s about to tell the crowd just how much he doesn’t care.

[Blackwell snatches the microphone from Kimber Marshall.]

Charlie Blackwell: All right…all right…quiet down.

[Blackwell pauses until the din dies down a little.]

Charlie Blackwell: RAY…McAVAY. I KNOW YOU’RE HERE. I KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE. SO JUST COME ON DOWN AND LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.

[The lights go down.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And we’ve lost the lights. Which usually means something dramatic is about to take place.

Rick Hall: Or Jill Berg forgot to pay the electric bill.

Thunderbolt Smith: That too.

Do you hear the people sing? – Singing the song of angry men?

[A spotlight illuminates a concourse. The camera pans over and zooms in.]

‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ – Les Miserables

Thunderbolt Smith: IT’S RAY McAVAY!

[‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay walks out accompanied by his wife, and one half of the famed West Texas Adult Entertainment duo Dark and Stormy, Stacee (Dark) Perry. Paige ‘Stormy’ Reynolds also walks out. Bert the Janitor comes out fourth.]

Rick Hall: I can’t say I’m surprised.

[Also joining them, General DeBauchery- who looks like a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting a black captain’s hat right out of World War II, smoking a cigar and grinning obnoxiously, Al Cahall- sporting six pack abs…oh…that’s a six pack in front of his abs.]

Gen. DeBauchery: You probably heard we ain’t in the take no prisoner-takin’ business like usual wrasslers; we in the killin’ brewskis business…

[General DeBauchery takes a bottle of beer and chugs it down.]

Gen. DeBauchery: And cousin, Business is a-boomin.

[Cahall raises his glass and chugs his beer down. And then there’s man smoking a cigarette in violation of several anti-smoking ordinances…which is par for the course- Nic Koteen.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Charlie Blackwell has not been able to defeat Ray McAvay. Can he do it tonight?

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, I would say this is a little different. McAvay hasn’t wrestled competitively since January. Blackwell has been busy. He’s through a war with William Daniels Bryan over the past few months. McAvay has to shake off the ring rust pretty fast.

[McAvay starts down the steps. Dark and Stormy go next. Then Bert the Janitor, General DeBauchery, Cahall, Koteen, and what appears to be an endless stream of people from the special Les Miserables section of the arena.]

Kimber Marshall: AND OUR FINAL CONTESTANT. ACCOMPANIED BY WEST TEXAS ADULT ENTERTAINMENT LEGENDS DARK AND STORMY WITH BERT THE JANITOR!

[The long line of people continue their way towards the ring. The procession reaches the floor and slowly pushes forward.]

Kimber Marshall: HAILING FROM FORT STOCKTON, TEXAS…WEIGHING TONIGHT AT TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN POUNDS. REPRESENTING THE LES MISERABLES AND FORMER MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING CHAMPION…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…RED SOLO PLASTIC CUP…RAY MCAVAY!

[McAvay arrives at the ring. The Les Miserables fan out at ringside. Dark and Stormy also climb up to the ring apron and model the official MVW Ray McAvay “Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work” baseball jersey.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Ray McAvay has not wrestled a competitive match since January. He underwent a relatively minor procedure to clean up some damage to his neck in February. The surgery went well. He is apparently well enough to go tonight. Underestimate McAvay at your peril. McAvay won a major title back in 2016 in High Octane Wrestling when he won a HOW Battle Royale match and he is more than capable of winning this match tonight.

[The referee checks both men and gives his final instructions.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Davey Keels will be the referee for this match. Given Blackwell and McAvay’s past history, he may very well have his hands full with this one.

[Quick camera pan of ringside. There’s a large group of Les Miserables in the general vicinity of McAvay’s corner. The SEC are also well represented at ringside in Blackwell’s corner by the entire SEC.]

————————————-

‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay
HT: 6’-3” WT: 215 HOME: Fort Stockton, TX
FIN: McGill Bomb

‘Charlie Wrestling’ Charlie Blackwell
HT: 6′ 4″ WT: 224 / HOME: Dallas, TX
FIN: Katahajime

Referee: Davey Keels

————————————

*DING-DING*

Thunderbolt Smith: HERE WE GO FOR THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TITLE!

1st MINUTE
[McAvay and Blackwell meet in the middle and immediately work into a series of fast paced counters. There’s a standoff. Blackwell tries to ground things but McAvay doesn’t cooperate. Blackwell and McAvay trade strikes and Blackwell out of nowhere hits a high cross. Stuck in the SEC corner, Kirk Walstreit and Blackwell double team McAvay.   Then Walstreit and McAvay trade strikes…]

Thunderbolt Smith: Quick beginning to the match. Not surprised that Walstreit’s interfered already.

Rick Hall: McAvay is going to have to steer clear of the SEC corner.

4th MINUTE
[Blackwell lays in body shots on McAvay. McAvay breaks out a back handspring kick and adds a dropkick to send Blackwell tumbling out of the ring. Again Walstreit jumps in and charges. McAvay puts him down with a sling blade. Walstreit back up and charges…McAvay with another sling blade. Walstreit goes a third time…he goes down a third time before Keels starts a count on him.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Keels is finally trying to lay down the law with the SEC interference.

Rick Hall: McAvay looks fresh and crisp. Blackwell looks about a half step slow so far.

Thunderbolt Smith: He has.

[Blackwell back in the ring. He charges. McAvay goes for another sling blade. Blackwell counters but McAvay gets a dragon screw and covers.]

[One…easy kick out for Blackwell.]

[Quick cut to the SEC. They seem a little concerned about the start of the match.]

5th MINUTE
[Blackwell dumps McAvay to the floor…near where the SEC contingent are standing. Beaver, Walstreit and Banks deliver a couple boots and then hides behind the rest of the SEC when Les Miserables General DeBauchery, Al Cahall, and Nic Koteen race over to help McAvay.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And this is where it could get a little techy. There’s a lot of people at ringside.

[The SEC backs off when the Les Miserables arrive. General DeBauchery helps McAvay up. McAvay stumbles back into the ring. Blackwell greets him with big boots. Belly to back suplex.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell with a big belly to back suplex.

[Blackwell with another belly to back suplex than lands on McAvay’s surgically repaired neck. McAvay rolls back and back to his feet. He smiles.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay’s smiling?

Rick Hall: That’s the area of the neck that was injured. He’s taken two good pops there and there’s no pain-

Thunderbolt Smith: KATAHAJIME!

[In the middle of the ring, Blackwell has McAvay in a half nelson with one arm and his neck with the other while his legs body scissored around McAvay.]

Rick Hall: HE’S GOT HIM!

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell has the Katahajime on McAvay!

[McAvay tries to roll back and forth but Blackwell has the hold locked in tight. After a few second, he taps.]

Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT! HE’S TAPPING OUT!

[McAvay is tapping out. But for some reason the referee hasn’t called for the bell.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay’s tapping but-

Rick Hall: Look!

6th MINUTE
[The crowd pops big when McAvay’s West Texas Adult Entertainment Legend friends Dark and Stormy climb up onto the ring apron. Dark, the one with jet black hair, and Stormy, the one with red hair, both start to suggestively unbutton their official MVW Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys and have referee Davey Keels full attention.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dark and Stormy have distracted referee Davey Keels and he doesn’t see McAvay tapping out.

[Blackwell finally realizes that Keels isn’t watching the action and releases the hold. He jumps back to his feet and sees Keels watching the impromptu striptease in the McAvay corner.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell sees what’s going on and he does not look pleased.

Rick Hall: He had the match won, Thunderbolt. I can’t blame him.

[Slipping around the side of the ring is McAvay’s consigliore, Bert the Janitor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hold on! It’s Bert the Janitor.

7th MINUTE
[Bert goes to slide a Big Bertha driver into the ring. But Walstreit and Banks run around and tackle him.]

Rick Hall: Blackwell is going over to Davey Keels to complain. He had McAvay tapping out.

[Walstreit and Banks pummel Bert the Janitor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hang on! Here comes William Daniels Bryan!

[The former champion hobbles down to the ring with his crutches. Bryan swings one of the crutches and whaps Walstreit in the back of the head. Then he clobbers Banks with the crutch. The crutch is bent in half]

Thunderbolt Smith: William Daniels Bryan takes out two of the SEC with the crutch. OOOOH. McAvay low bridges Blackwell!

[Blackwell drops like a shot and the crowd pops again. McAvay immediately makes the cover.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay for the win…

[Keels sees the cover. He immediately drops to the mat and counts…one…two…Blackwell gets a shoulder up.]

Rick Hall: Blackwell just gets the shoulder up.

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell back to his feet and he’s unloading big on the challenger.

[Blackwell and McAvay slug it out. Blackwell gains the upper hand…]

Thunderbolt Smith: Closed fists by Blackwell.

8th MINUTE
[…Blackwell backs McAvay in the corner with right hands.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Davey Keels warns Charlie Blackwell about the closed fist.

[Blackwell fires away with a kick and a back elbow. Takedown and cover. One…two…McAvay kicks out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell the aggressor now.

[Blackwell misses a kick, McAvay hits an enziguri. Now he covers.]

[One…]

[Two…Blackwell kicks out and decides to take five.]

[Blackwell tries to climb out of the ring. McAvay stops him by crotching him on the top rope. McAvay dropkicks Blackwell over the top rope to the floor.]

Rick Hall: Back and forth they go. I’d say it’s pretty even so far.

9th MINUTE
[Blackwell back in and slams McAvay’s face into the turnbuckle. He climbs to the top and nails a moonsault press. Hook of the legs…]

[One…]

[Two…McAvay gets a shoulder up.]

[Knee strike by Blackwell. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…again McAvay gets the shoulder up.]

[Blackwell goes top turnbuckle again. McAvay gets up and slams him to the mat. Cover.]

[One…]

[Two…Blackwell kicks out.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay came close there but Blackwell kicks out in time.

10th MINUTE
[Blackwell charges…McAvay sling blades him. Blackwell back up…charge…eats sling blade. Blackwell up…charge…McAvay scoop slams him to the mat. Cover…]

[One…]

[Two…]

[Two-point-eight…]

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell JUST kicked out in the nick of time.

[McAvay lays in more knee strikes as he grounds Blackwell. Again, he hooks the legs. One…two…Blackwell kicks out and again takes his leave outside the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell calling time out.

Rick Hall: Wise move on Blackwell. McAvay has again regained the momentum in this match.

Thunderbolt Smith: Ah…what’s that?

Rick Hall: What’s what?

[Thunderbolt points at the aisle. Much to everyone’s surprise, a spotlight follows ‘New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five and Dawn McGill, holding a Singapore Cane in her right hand, moving towards ringside.]

Rick Hall: And there’s something I definitely didn’t think I’d see.

[Quick close up of McGill’s face. Blank and expressionless.]

Thunderbolt Smith: No one saw this coming. Ultratron-Five and his new valet Dawn McGill are coming to the ring.

[The SEC and the Les Miserables stand and watch as Ultratron-Five and McGill approach. McGill gets instructions from the ‘New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ and walks up to Charlie Blackwell. Blackwell’s unsure how to react. Dawn? Not so much. She knees Blackwell in the balls. He doubles over. She brings the Singapore cane down on the square of his back.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SHE’S ATTACKED BLACKWELL!

Rick Hall: OW!

[Blackwell falls to the floor. But before the SEC reacts, McGill grabs a microphone from Kimber Marshall and rolls into the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: This could get real interesting. Ray McAvay is her ex-husband.

Rick Hall: I have no idea what’s going to happen next.

[McGill walks up to McAvay.]

Dawn McGill (cold, expressionless voice): I must help Ultratron-Five take over Missouri Valley Wrestling.

[McGill drops the mic on the mat. McAvay has no idea what’s going to happen next. He tries to back away from his ex-wife but in a flash, McGill whips her right leg up and drives her four inch heels into his balls. McAvay doubles over.]

Rick Hall: I take that back. I kind of thought that might happen.

Thunderbolt Smith: Whoa!

[McAvay tips over onto the mat.]

Mr. McMann: THAT’S IT!

[‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann finally snaps. Already disgruntled over the fact that McGill dissed his offer to join the SEC to join up with a New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine, McMann hops up onto the ring apron and climbs in. He stomps right up to McGill and is about to give her a good piece of his mind.]

*THWACK*

Thunderbolt Smith: McGILL JUST NAILED HIM WITH THE SINGAPORE CANE!

[McMann, his right arm extended and finger pointing at Dawn, simply tips backwards and lands with a splat on his back.]

Rick Hall: I kind of see this as Dawn getting payback on three men who’ve given her a lot of grief in the past couple years.

[McGill picks up the mic again.]

Dawn McGill (cold, expressionless voice): I must help Ultratron-Five take over Missouri Valley Wrestling.

Rick Hall: Or there’s that.

[With that, McGill robotically turns on her high heels and rejoins Ultratron-Five. Both then exit to the back.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Her performance was more believable this time.

Rick Hall: KEYFABE!

Thunderbolt Smith: Sorry.

[This leaves referee Davey Keels with a bit of a dilemma. He could throw the match out for outside interference. But since McGill attacked both men, Keels decided to hold off and give them some extra time.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Keels is not counting anyone out.

13th MINUTE
[Eventually, both Blackwell and McAvay recover. Blackwell climbs back into the ring.]

14th MINUTE
[Blackwell takes McAvay down and works the knee. Blackwell stomps away on the knee. He slams it off the apron. Then he slams it off of the post. Blackwell dropkicks the knee into the post and covers. One…two…McAvay gets the shoulder up. Blackwell rolls up McAvay again. One…two…McAvay kicks out. Blackwell pulls McAvay up and takes him up to the top of the turnbuckle…]

Thunderbolt Smith: BLACKWELL’S GOING FOR IT…

[And drops McAvay to the floor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SUPERPLEX! HERE’S THE COVER!

[But the referee isn’t there to count…]

Colleen Crowder: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

15th MINUTE
[…because he’s distracted by the double striptease going on in the McAvay corner…again. Both Dark and Stormy have climbed up on the ring apron to unbutton their shirts and they have the referee’s full attention.]

Rick Hall: I don’t think Davey Keels has gone out on a lot of dates of late.

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s also effective. They’re buying McAvay valuable time.

[A fact not lost on SEC mouthpiece Phil Finebaum. He screams at the referee to make the count. Blackwell gets up to his feet and he shouts at the referee. Big mistake. McAvay jumps up and drops Blackwell with a neckbreaker. Then he pulls Blackwell up by the back of the neck and slams him face first to the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: SHAKIN’ AND STIRRED BY McAVAY!

16th MINUTE
[McAvay slaps on an inverted face lock…hooks the arm…and pulls backwards and up.]

Thunderbolt Smith: DRAGON SLEEPER!

[Dark and Stormy end the striptease. The SEC’s Blackwell, Banks, and Beaver climb into the ring. Les Miserables’s General DeBauchery, Al Cahall, and Nic Koteen throw themselves at the SEC. Blackwell starts to fade. Several other members of the Les Miserables hit the ring and attack Blackwell, Banks, and Beaver.]

Thunderbolt Smith: ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE! WE’VE GOT PEOPLE IN THE RING AND McAVAY IS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

[Blackwell’s arm goes limp. McAvay breaks the hold…puts Blackwell’s head between his legs…but Blackwell stands up and flips McAvay over him.]

Thunderbolt Smith: BLACKWELL COUNTERED THE McGILL BOMB!

[Blackwell rolls him up.]

[One…]

[Two…]

[THREE!]

Thunderbolt Smith: HE’S DONE IT! CHARLIE BLACKWELL HAS DEFEATED RAY McAVAY!

*DING-DING-DING*

[McAvay sits up. He can’t believe what’s just happened.]

Rick Hall: What a counter by Charlie Blackwell! I think he played a little possum while McAvay had him in the Dragon Sleeper and caught Ray completely by surprise when he tried to hit the McGill Bomb.

Thunderbolt Smith: He caught everyone by surprise. I thought McAvay had him.

[With Blackwell celebrating in the ring, Kimber Marshall does the announcement from the floor.]

Kimber Marshall: YOUR WINNER AT FIFTEEN MINUTES AND FIFTY-NINE SECONDS…AND STILL MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING CHAMPION…’CHARLIE WRESTLING’ CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

[Keels hands the title belt to Blackwell- Blackwell raises the belt in the air.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I DON’T BELIEVE IT!

[The Les Miserables at ringside can’t believe it.]

Rick Hall: I don’t believe it either.

Thunderbolt Smith: CHARLIE BLACKWELL FINALLY DEFEATS RAY McAVAY AND SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDS THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TITLE!

Rick Hall: Charlie Blackwell survived a double dose of Dark and Stormy, Dawn McGill doing the bidding of Ultratron-Five, took Ray McAvay’s best shot, and remains the champion. Charlie Wrestling comes through tonight big time.

Thunderbolt Smith: Blackwell retains. The Dork Dynasty retain the tag belts. Christa Carmondy retains the Women’s title. And ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson retained the Heartland belt.

Rick Hall: It’s been an interesting night. A great return of Missouri Valley Wrestling to the pay per view world and I can’t wait for the return of MVW’s Sunday Night Wrestling.

Thunderbolt Smith: We’ve run out of time. We will see where all ths goes in January. In the meantime, Happy New Year. I’m Thunderbolt Smith. He’s ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall. We’ll see you soon.

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About Art Nouveaux

Hey.
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