‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson unloads a big right hand on Bo Stevens
Last Week on MVW Sunday Night Wrestling:
(MAIN EVENTS- The SEC: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver vs. Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis)
[Beaver in the ring. He matches up with Rah. Halitosis lays the boots to Banks. And then…]
Thunderbolt Smith: IT’S RAY McAVAY!
[McAvay races down to the ring. He passes by Dawn McGill who does NOT move a single muscle to try and stop him. McAvay rolls into the ring and attacks Blackwell.]
Rick Hall: That’s Tessa Martin!
[With her Oversized Pizza Box of Doom in her hand, ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin runs down to the ring. She also passes by Dawn McGill…again Dawn makes no attempt to stop her…and heads right for Taylor Switt.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Dawn McGill just let them go by.
Rick Hall: Well for starters, she can hardly move in those heels, Thunderbolt.
[Miley Vyrus goes to help Switt but she’s suddenly tackled by Regina McGill…who also ran past Dawn McGill without any problem.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Dawn let Regina pass through!
Rick Hall: Yeah, Dawn’s not a security guard…she’s a security monitor.
[Regina mounts Vyrus on the floor and starts whaling away at her.]
Thunderbolt Smith: It’s just chaos now.
[McAvay and Blackwell roll around in the ring brawling. Rah destroys Justin Beaver with the Eye of Rahhhhh! Halitosis unleashes his breath again on Banks.]
[Switt swings the guitar at Tess and misses. Tess then piefaces Switt with the oversized pizza box. Switt drops the guitar. Tess picks the musical instrument up and…]
[The guitar explodes upon impact and white powder flies out in every direction. Switt crumples to the floor. Regina pulls Vyrus up and holds her in place. Tess takes the oversized pizza box and piefaces Vyrus as well. She’s down. Regina and Tess high five. And then they turn towards Mr. McMann.]
[Cut to McMann. He mouths ‘oh, oh.’]
[Tess and Regina step closer.]
Mr. McMann: DAWN! HELP!
[Close up on Dawn. She’s checking her makeup with a compact.]
Mr. McMann: DAWN. COME ON!
[Dawn slowly turns to Mr. McMann.]
Dawn McGill: You told me I wasn’t to slip out of character in order to get involved in the matches. You told me my one and only job was to be the SEC’s eye candy character…and that’s what I’m doing!
[McMann’s jaw drops.]
Thunderbolt Smith: He’s screwed.
Rick Hall: Yep.
[Tess piefaces McMann with the Oversized Pizza Box of Doom. McMann staggers. Regina steps forward and kicks him in the balls causing him to bend over. Then both Regina and Tess reach around his neck and drop to the floor.]
Thunderbolt Smith: DOUBLE PIZZA CUTTER!
[The camera pulls back. McAvay and Blackwell continue to brawl in the ring. Rah and Halitosis stand over their fallen foes Banks and Beaver. Vyrus is down. Switt is down. Tess and Regina high five over Mr. McMann.]
[Final close up on Dawn McGill. She’s filing her fingernails and rolling her eyes as the show comes to an end.]
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION MEETING
-Mr. McMann’s Office
[Sitting around the boardroom table: SEC Mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, CSPN (Corporate SportsEntertainment Programming Nation) CEO Mark Splitter, Charlie Blackwell, the new MVW Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver with his valets ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus, ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt, Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens, and ‘Divalicious’ Dawn McGill.]
[‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann is at the front of the room. He’s not happy…in fact, he’s just screaming mad.]
Mr. McMann: …WHAT TOOK PLACE LAST WEEK IS COMPLETELY NOT ACCEPTABLE!
[McMann looks directly at P.M.C. Banks.]
Mr. McMann: YOU’RE WRESTLING SOMEONE WHO HAS ONE LEGITIMATELY DANGEROUS MOVE! BREATHING! DID YOU NOT SEE THE CRAP HE WAS LOADING UP ON BEFORE THE MATCH?
[Banks sheepishly looks down.]
Mr. McMann: JESUS! HE WAS TAKING OUT THREE ROWS OF PEOPLE WALKING TO THE RING. AND YET YOU DECIDED TO HEAD BUTT HIM AND GET IN HIS FACE? WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU THINKING?
[Banks tries to answer. He can’t. So he doesn’t.]
Mr. McMann: AND NOW, JILL’S GOING TO BOOK THOSE REJECTS IN A TITLE MATCH AGAINST US AT MVWA 79!
[Charlie Blackwell speaks up.]
Charlie Blackwell: In fairness, we may have caught someone of a break here.
[Everyone turns towards Blackwell- who suddenly realizes that all eyes are on him.]
Charlie Blackwell: Who would you rather wrestle right now? The Island of Misfit Wrestlers? Or Weapons of Mass Destruction?
[McMann takes Blackwell’s comment under consideration.]
Mr. McMann: You may have a point.
[CSPN CEO Splitter bolts up from his chair. He points his finger right at Dawn McGill.]
Mark Splitter: I WROTE A CHECK FOR TWO MILLION DOLLARS TO BRING HER INTO THE SEC. AND SHE LETS THE ENEMY PAST HER THREE SEPARATE TIMES?
[Dawn rolls her eyes.]
Dawn McGill: My instructions were clear. I was eye candy and not to get involved in the match.
Mark Splitter: I DID NOT PAY TWO MILLION DOLLARS FOR EYE CANDY! I PAID TWO MILLION DOLLARS FOR RESULTS! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED McAVAY, REGINA, AND TESSA FROM TAKING OUT OUR WRESTLERS!
[Dawn defiantly repeats what she said.]
Dawn McGill: My instructions were clear. Eye candy. No involvement in the match.
[Splitter’s face turns red. Yeah, that didn’t go over very well.]
Mark Splitter: You know, for someone who’s being blackmailed into being a part of the SEC because of a salacious video you don’t want made public, you seem unnaturally cool and relaxed.
[Splitter turns to McMann.]
Mark Splitter: Where’s the video?
[McMann produces the video purchased from the Kardoucheians of Dawn’s dream date with Ken Kardoucheian.]
Mark Splitter: Now. I wonder what’s really on this tape?
[Now, Dawn sits up and pays attention.]
Mark Splitter: No one has actually watched it…has they?
[McGill becomes apprehensive. The answer from everyone else is no.]
Mark Splitter: Shall we watch it now?
[Dawn raises her hand.]
Dawn McGill: All right, Mark. What do you want?
Mark Splitter: Results. I purchased this video because Mr. McMann wanted you in the SEC in order to produce results. The top teams of the English Premier League purchase top talent from lesser teams in order to produce winning results. The top team in college football recruit the best talent to their team in order to produce winning results. Large corporations buy and absorb smaller companies in order to produce winning results. And the SEC…Missouri Valley Wrestling’s top stable…brings in the best talent in order to produce winning results.
Mr. McMann: We’ve got two of the three major belts. It’s time to assert our dominance and bring the Men’s title home to the SEC.
[Splitter casts his glare right at McGill.]
Mark Splitter: That means you will do everything in your power to make sure Charlie Blackwell defeats your ex-husband at MVWA 79 and becomes the new MVW Men’s champion. Do you understand?
[McGill doesn’t respond. Instead, she glares right back at Splitter. Splitter, not in the mood, sticks the video disk in her face.]
Mark Splitter: DO…YOU…UNDERS-
Dawn McGill: Yes.
Mr. McMann: Then it’s settled.
MVW Sunday Night Wrestling
Sunday November 19th, 2017
MVW Television Studio
St. Louis, MO
Hosts: Thunderbolt Smith and ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall
[Opening shot- Camera pans around the ring. There’s over a hundred people inside the MVW Television studio.]
[Cut to Thunderbolt Smith and Rick Hall inside the ring.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Hello and welcome to MVW Sunday Night Wrestling brought to you by Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky and Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow!
Thunderbolt Smith: I am Thunderbolt Smith. He is ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall.
[Both Thunderbolt and Rick proudly hold up their official ‘I Kissed Dawn McGill’ t-shirt.]
Thunderbolt Smith: This is the go-home show to MVWA 79 and…wow…what a finish to last week’s show.
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, the SEC took it on the chin last week but as we just saw, Mr. McMann is determined to bring the MVW Men’s title to the SEC next week.
Thunderbolt Smith: Charlie Blackwell will have Dawn McGill in his corner when he faces Dawn’s ex-husband ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay for the MVW Men’s title.
Rick Hall: That is going to be something.
Thunderbolt Smith: Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens will be wrestling the winner of our first match of the night between Yosemite Samantha and ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin.
Rick Hall: Youth versus experience. Yosemite Samantha has scored a few shots against Lisa and the SEC over the past couple weeks. And everyone knows that Tess wants one more run with a major title…AND…she would love nothing more than to stick it to Mr. McMann and the SEC one last time.
Thunderbolt Smith: Also on our card tonight, ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson puts the MVW Television title up on the line against challenger Bo Stevens in our main event.
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, Bill Dickinson has rolled through the competition since becoming the TV champion. Tonight, Bo Stevens presents a much different challenge. Bo has…how you say…BO-lief!
Thunderbolt Smith: Somewhere in the building, Ted Tebow- Tim Tebow’s long lost black sheep brother no one ever knew he had – is ‘Tebowing.’
Rick Hall: Bill is the three hundred and thirty pound Southern brawler. Bo is a more complete wrestler. This should be a fascinating match to watch.
Thunderbolt Smith: And I believe MVW CEO Jill Berg will be coming out here to confirm just who will be wrestling the Sports Entertainment Corporation’s P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver for their Tag Team title at MVWA 79.
Rick Hall: I think that based on their performance last week…and the fact as former champions they are due a rematch…I believe Jill will pit the Island of Misfit Wrestlers with Regina McGill versus the SEC.
JILL BERG MAKES THAT ANNOUNCEMENT
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
Thunderbolt Smith: And speaking of…it looks like the MVW CEO is going to come out now.
[The door to Jill Berg’s office opens a few seconds later. Sixteen large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman smartly dressed in corporate attire and her male assistant, Jerry. The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes.]
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
[The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. Jerry has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.]
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
[Two of the bodyguards use a fire extinguisher to create a fog like effect as Jill walks through. Two others hold sparklers up in the air as she passes by.]
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
[The group continues towards the ring.]
[THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.]
[MVW ring announcer Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring to herald Jill’s arrival.]
Kimber Marshall: From the financial district of New York City. She is the corporate predator, the CEO of MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING! She is the phenomenon known as JIIIIIIILLLL- BERRRRRRRG!
[Jill is helped into the ring by her escorts. Kimber hands her the microphone.]
Jill Berg: Thanks Kimber.
[Jill walks to the side of the ring facing Thunderbolt and Hall.]
Jill Berg: It’s time to make some news guys. All right…I can confirm what my good friend Thunderbolt Smith alluded to a few seconds ago. The Sports Entertainment Corporation…P.M.C. Banks and the ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver…will defend the MVW Tag Team title at MVWA 79 against…
[She pauses for maximum dramatic effect.]
Jill Berg: …the former MVW Tag Team champions…Rah and Halitosis…the Island of Misfit Wrestlers!
[The audience cheers the announcement.]
Jill Berg: So now…
*’Hit Me Like a Bomb’ – Third Day*
[The MVW fans are surprised when the theme music for Weapons of Mass Destruction suddenly blares from the loudspeaker. Jill Berg? Not so much. She nods as if she expected this to happen.]
You hit me like a bomb
And everything I’m used to
Is suddenly gone
Sorry to accuse you
Do you know what you’ve done
When you hit me like a bomb
Thunderbolt Smith: Well? I was wondering if the Advocates of the American Military Complex would have an issue with the former Tag Team champions getting a rematch.
Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads A-Bomb and H-Bomb out. Daisy is dressed in all camouflage. A-Bomb and H-Bomb came out with matching bright wrestling tights. All three march towards the ring with grim expressions.]
Thunderbolt Smith: And here they come.
Rick Hall: We will find out just how much of an issue A. Tom Bomb…Hy Drogen Bomb…aka Weapons of Mass Destruction have with Rah and Halitosis getting a title shot.
Hear the sound of the sirens ringing
See the world of a life that’s changing
Well you hit me like a bomb
I was scared and I started running
Can’t say I never saw it coming
When you hit me like a bomb
[A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and Daisy join the MVW CEO inside the ring.]
(La la la la la la la la…)
[Daisy steps up to address Jill.]
Daisy Cutter-Bomb: Jill, how can the Island of Misfit Wrestlers get the SEC’s first title defense? Weapons of Mass Destruction has dominated the tag team division. We deserve that shot!
[Jill listens and responds.]
Jill Berg: Daisy. I understand your point. However, in fairness to Rah and Halitosis…they are entitled to a rematch since they were the champions.
Daisy Cutter-Bomb: But!
[Jill raises her hand.]
Jill Berg: Let me finish! That does not diminish what A-Bomb and H-Bomb have done over the past month. In fact, if it weren’t for the Island of Misfit Wrestlers invoking a rematch clause…WMD would be challenging the SEC at MVWA 79.
[Daisy, A-Bomb, and H-Bomb all nod their head in agreement.]
Jill Berg: So. This is what we’re going to do. The winner of the SEC and the Island of Misfit Wrestlers at MVWA 79 will face…
[Jill points at Daisy, A-Bomb, and H-Bomb.]
Jill Berg: …Weapons of Mass Destruction for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team title at MVWA 80 on December 16th in Indianapolis, Indiana!
[Jill turns to Daisy.]
Jill Berg: So. Is that acceptable?
[Daisy glances back at A-Bomb and H-Bomb. They concur.]
Daisy Cutter-Bomb: Yes.
Jill Berg: All right. Problem solved.
[Cut to Thunderbolt and Hall.]
Thunderbolt Smith: That was almost Solomon-ish.
Rick Hall: Yes, we’re breaking out the biblical references. I agree. Jill Berg defused what could have been a sticky situation and I think she got it right.
Thunderbolt Smith: I just got word that Blair Moise is backstage with the challenger in tonight’s Television Title match…Bo Stevens. Blair…take it away.
[Cut to Blair backstage.]
BO STEVENS INTERVIEW
[Blair and Bo stand in front of a dressing room down. Ted Tebow- Tim Tebow’s long lost black sheep brother no one ever knew he had is also in the shot.]
Blair Moise: Bo…tonight you get your chance at gold.
Bo Stevens: Oh…there’s no chance to it, Blair. It’s all about BO-lief!
[Tebow drops to one knee and bows his head while placing his balled left fist against his forehead (aka…‘Tebows’) when Bo says BO-lief.]
Blair Moise: Of course it is.
Bo Stevens: I’ve had BO-lief…
[Tebow ‘Tebows’ again.]
Bo Stevens: …since the first time I stepped foot in Missouri Valley Wrestling. Over the past few weeks, I’ve made MVW my home away from home. Every time I’ve appeared on MVW’s Sunday Night Wrestling, me and Ted Tebow have cut through the competition. With BO-lief…
[Tebow ‘Tebows’ again.]
Bo Stevens: …I passed the test against ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido at MVWA 78. So it’s only fitting that we come back here to St. Louis in front of all of my fans tonight…Bo Stevens…the three hundred and thirty pound Southern brawler ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson…the Missouri Valley Wrestling Television Title…where with BO-lief…
[Tebow ‘Tebows’ again.]
Bo Stevens: …I will finish the job. Again…one part of the equation is the physical part. I am in the best shape ever. The other part…and in my opinion just as important…is BO-lief.
[Tebow ‘Tebows’ again.]
Bo Stevens: Without BO-lief…
[Tebow ‘Tebows’ again.]
Bo Stevens: …there is no confidence to do the things you have to do inside that ring in order to win matches.
Blair Moise: Good luck tonight.
Bo Stevens: No luck need, Blair. Just…
Blair Moise: I know…
[Tebow tenses up…waiting for Blair to utter the magic word.]
[Blair rolls her eyes.]
Blair Moise (quickly): BOlief.
Blair Moise: Back to you Thunderbolt.
[Cut to Thunderbolt and Smith.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Thank you Blair.
Rick Hall: I’m looking forward to the match tonight.
Thunderbolt Smith: All right. Let’s take it back to last night’s MVW House Show in Des Moines, Iowa. Before the big match between ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Yosemite Samantha, there was some chicanery going on backstage following the Hanson Sisters match.
(Last Night’s MVW House Show – Des Moines, Iowa)
[Andrea, Charissa, and Melissa Hanson walk towards their dressing room. Andrea is the lighter haired Hanson…both Charissa and Melissa have dark hair. All three sport black horned rim glasses and are dressed in identical dark blue hockey jerseys with ‘CHIEFS’ across the front and each carrying a hockey stick.]
[Three masked figures dressed in black jump all three Hanson sisters from behind. Andrea gets thrown into the wall. Charissa is taken down to the floor. Melissa gets potatoed by a guitar that explodes with white powder flying everywhere after impact. She crumples to the floor.]
[Two of the masked people double up on Andrea against the wall and start throwing lefts and rights at her. Charissa gets the Ankle Lock slapped on her and starts screaming in pain.]
[Finally, the masked figures drag the Hansons into their dressing room and slam the door behind them.]
Thunderbolt Smith: A few minutes later…
[The Hanson’s dressing room door opens back up. The three masked figures exit. Then they pull their masks off. It’s Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens, ‘Young Hollywood’s’ Miley Vyrus, and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt from the Sports Entertainment Corporation.]
Thunderbolt Smith: So, the SEC exact a small measure of revenge on the Hanson Sisters for their attacked on Barbosa-Stevens last week. That bit of business done, let’s now go to the match.
[Cut to last night’s Des Moines, Iowa House Show where Kimber Marshall in the ring for the introductions.]
Kimber Marshall: Our next match is a one fall…
Crowd: ONE FALL!
[Kimber turns to the entrance and waits.]
*”Moth to a Flame”- Metallica*
Kimber Marshall: She is from Dodge City, Kansas! She is the roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowgirl who ever crossed the Rio Grande! Please welcome…YOOOOO-SIMMM-MIT-TEEEEEEEE…SAMANTHA!
[Yosemite Samantha, sporting a big ten gallon cowboy hat and a holster complete with gun, walks out onto the stage and gives the Cedar Rapids audience the ol’ stinkeye.]
Pop queen, amphetamine
The screams crashed into silence
Doused in the gasoline
The high times going timeless
Death of the innocence
The pathway starts to spiral
All for publicity
Destruction going viral
[With an intense look on her face, Yosemite Samantha marches down to the ring.]
Light it up
Ah, light it up
Another hit erases all the pain
Ah, kill the truth
You’re falling, but you think you’re flying high
[She leaps onto the ring apron and takes aim at her opponent.]
Sold your soul
Built a higher wall
Now you’re thrown away
Same rise and fall
Who cares at all?
Seduced by fame
A moth into the flame
[Samantha removes her cowboy hat and gun holster and leaves them in the corner.]
Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…
[A driving drum beat plays over the loudspeaker.]
*’Dig In’- Lenny Kravitz*
Kimber Marshall: Hailing from Bowling Green, Ohio..
It’s time to face it come on in and join the party
Life has been waiting for you to care
Don’t try to fake it jump on in and get it started
There’s so much lovin for you to share
Kimber Marshall: She is the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl…TESSSSSS-A. MARRRRRR-TIN!
There is nowhere to run
There is no way to hide
Don’t let it beat you
Say “nice to meet you” and “bye”
[Tess walks out with one hand raised high in the air and the other holding a sixteen inch pizza box.]
And once you dig in
You’ll find it coming out the other side
And once you dig in
You’ll find you’ll have yourself a good time
[Tess climbs into the ring.]
MATCH ONE / Taped at last night’s Des Moines, Iowa House Show:
‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin
Referee: Ron Martin
Thunderbolt Smith: Ron Martin calls for the bell and we’re off.
[Yosemite Samantha rushes forward…plants her right leg…and kicks up with the left. Tess is ready and sidesteps.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Samantha goes right for the bicycle kick but Tess had it scouted out.
Rick Hall: This will be a test for both wrestlers. Yosemite Samantha likes to play rough. She does a lot of high impact moves and kicks. Tess can brawl too but she’ll need to wrestle a more conservative, technical match against her younger opponent.
[Wild right hand by Samantha. Tess ducks under and roars back with a clothesline. Samantha hits the deck hard. Right hand by Tess drives Samantha stumbling into the corner. Tess throws another right. And another. And another until she pounds Samantha to the floor.]
Thunderbolt Smith: That’s the strategy Tess needs to execute to win.
Rick Hall: Yosemite Samantha is one of the hardest hitters you’ll see in MVW. Tess will need to neutralize that by being patient and attacking hard when the opportunity presents itself.
[Tess pulls up Samantha and uncoils another clothesline. Samantha crashes back against the corner turnbuckle. Tess whips her across the ring and then runs right into a right boot when she tries to follow her in. Samantha climbs to the top turnbuckle. Tess rushes right over and nails her with a looping right hand that sends Samantha down to the floor.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Tess sends her flying out of the ring with a vicious right hand.
Rick Hall: Yosemite Samantha nearly took out one of the cameraman falling from the turnbuckle.
[Tess steps back from the ropes…she hops up and down and waits for Yosemite Samantha. A few seconds later, Yosemite Samantha pulls herself up and crawls back into the ring. Tess lets her stand up. She then pushes Samantha back into the ropes and then sends her across. Tess then slides down and takes Samantha to the mat with a drop toehold. Tess jumps up and drops an elbow. Samantha sits up. Tess rears back with her right foot and snaps it into her back.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Tess drives that boot right into her back.
[Yosemite Samantha rolls on the mat. She then gets back to her knees and then jumps back up.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Massive chop across the chest by Samantha.
Thunderbolt Smith: And another one.
[Tess’s hands instinctively cover the area where Samantha just chopped her. Samantha switches hands and rears back again…]
Thunderbolt Smith: Three chops in a row!
[Tess falls back into the ropes. Yosemite Samantha right there. She maneuvers Tess into the corner and head-butts her in the sternum. Then…]
Rick Hall: Whoa!
[Tess fires a right hand. Samantha absorbs the hit and nails Tess with a right of her own. Tess bounces off the ropes and…]
Thunderbolt Smith: BICYCLE KICK!
[Yosemite Samantha timed it out perfectly. As soon as Tess came off the ropes, she snapped off a perfect bicycle kick that sent the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl down like a shot. Samantha presses the offense. She pulls Tess up and wraps her arms around her torso.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Belly to belly on the wayyyy…
[But Tess drops to a seated position. She rolls Samantha forward and grabs her legs.]
Thunderbolt Smith: REVERSAL! ROLL UP!
[Martin in for the count.]
[Tw-…Yosemite Samantha rings Tessa’s ears with her boots. Tess releases and falls backwards. Martin holds up two fingers.]
[Both back up. Yosemite Samantha goes for another bicycle kick. Tess catches the foot…throws it down…and delivers a front kick to her chest. Samantha backs up a step and then lunges forward again. She misses with a wild right. Tess doubles up on right hands and drives her knee into the midsection doubling over Samantha. Tess grabs the back of Samantha’s neck spins and drops to the mat.]
Thunderbolt Smith: NECKBREAKER!
[Tess hooks the leg.]
[Strong kickout by Yosemite Samantha. Martin holds two fingers up.]
Rick Hall: Tess is doing what she needs to do. She’s wrestled a very good tactical match so far.
[Tess drives Samantha forward to the ropes. She tries to roll her up again but Samantha grabs the ropes and Tess rolls off. Tess misses with a right and Yosemite Samantha strikes.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Another bicycle kick by Yosemite Samantha and this one was right on the button
[Tess pirouettes. Samantha reaches around her and lifts her up and over.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Belly to belly suplex.
[Yosemite Samantha rolls Tess up.]
[Tess shoots the shoulder up.]
[Yosemite Samantha puts Tess’s head between her legs…lifts her up to her shoulders…slams her to the mat…and rolls up her legs.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Powerbomb into a roll up!
Rick Hall: She may have her!
[Th-…NO! Tess gets the shoulder up.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Yosemite Samantha is hot as she thought she had the pinfall.
Rick Hall: It was that close…THAT…close.
[Yosemite Samantha gets into Ron Martin’s face about the ‘slow’ count. Tess drags herself up…sneaks up from behind…and rolls Samantha back.]
Thunderbolt Smith: ROLL UP!
[Martin down for the count.]
[Samantha kicks out.]
[Yosemite Samantha grabs Tessa’s legs and bends her knees into a near sitting position. She rocks back and slings Tess up and over…the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ flies face first into the corner turnbuckle. She bounces back…wobbles…and then turns and lands on her seat in the corner. The crowd rises up.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Here we go! We know what’s corner.
Rick Hall: Yosemite Samantha is going to take a trip around the ring and when she lands on Tessa Martin she’s going to get a title shot at MVWA 79.
[Samantha takes off around the ring…building up speed…first corner…second corner…third corner…]
Thunderbolt Smith: INCOMING!
[…she spins one-eighty and launches herself at Tess. Yosemite Samantha lands and crushes Tess against the corner turnbuckle.]
Thunderbolt Smith: CANNONBALL!
[Tess slumps forward…still in a seated position. Yosemite Samantha lands a couple feet away. She gets to her feet and drags Tess by the leg to the middle of the ring for the academic three count. Yosemite Samantha hooks the leg.]
[Referee Ron Martin calls for the bell.]
Thunderbolt Smith: SHE’S DONE IT! SHE’S DONE IT! The ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin took her to her limit but Yosemite Samantha finds a way and now she will get her title match against-
Rick Hall: INCOMING!
Thunderbolt Smith: What?
[Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens…’Young Hollywood’s’ Miley Vyrus…and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt attack as Martin raises Yosemite Samantha’s hand up in victory. Vyrus spears her and drives her into the corner. Switt saunters over with her guitar, leaking white powder again because it’s been overfilled, raised in the air and poised to strike.]
Thunderbolt Smith: GUITAR SHOT BY TAYLOR SWITT!
[The guitar explodes upon impact with Samantha’s head and spews white powder all over the ring. She slips to the mat.]
Rick Hall: That was a vicious shot. She’s pretty much knocked out, Thunderbolt.
[Barbosa-Stevens yanks her towards her and turns her over on the mat. She grabs Samantha’s right foot and bends her leg up at a ninety degree angle. Then the Women’s champion starts twisting the ankle like someone unscrewing a cap from a bottle of beer.]
Thunderbolt Smith: ANKLE LOCK! THE ANKLE LOCK!
[Yosemite Samantha bangs her hand on the mat.]
Rick Hall: Yosemite Samantha is tapping out but there’s no match to tap out of!
[Vyrus and Switt lift Tessa…still in the ring…up from the mat by the arms. While Switt holds her up, Vyrus twerks in Tess’s face.]
Thunderbolt Smith: This is a preview of what we could see next Saturday night at MVWA 79!
[Vyrus and Switt then team up to throw Tess over the top rope to the floor.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Tessa thrown out of the ring.
[Referee Davey Keels and Brent Payson run down to the ring. They go right to Lisa and try to break the hold.]
Rick Hall: She’s trying to snap that ankle off!
[Lisa tries to push Keels and Payson off. Yosemite Samantha’s pounding on the ring floor gets more desperate.]
Thunderbolt Smith: They’re trying to pull Barbosa-Stevens off Yosemite Samantha.
[Vyrus and Switt in the ring. Both sneak up to a referee from behind. Both kick a referee in the groin. Keels and Payson double over in pain.]
Rick Hall: This has become an outright mugging.
*”Turn Around” – Aaron Watson*
[The crowd pops when the music hits.]
Thunderbolt Smith: It’s Men’s Champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay and he’s coming to the ring!
Young man on the side of the road.
Lost and beat up with nowhere to go.
Smells like a hangover from days ago,
but he does what he can to survive.
[McAvay, with the MVW Men’s title belt around his waist, along with West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy, both rocking the MVW Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys, and the rest of his group which includes General DeBauchery, resembling a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds and sporting a black captain’s hat right out of World War II, powerwalk to ringside.]
Single mom with a dead end job.
90 hour week just to keep what she’s got.
But the bills add up and now she’s caught.
She does what she can to survive.
Well, let me say that love won’t take away the pain.
But don’t be afraid cause it will never walk away.
[Barbosa-Stevens releases the Ankle Lock and glares down at McAvay. Vyrus and Switt line up with her.]
If you’re scared that you don’t matter.
If you’re lost and need to be found.
If you’re lookin’ for a savior.
All you gotta do is turn around.
[Bert the Janitor hands McAvay the Big Bertha Driver.]
No one listens to you anymore.
Any your heart has broken down.
You don’t need to move.
Love has come to you.
All you gotta do is turn around.
[The music fades down.]
*”Party Wherever We Go (SEC Theme Song)” – Robert Randolph and the Family Band*
Thunderbolt Smith: Here comes the rest of the SEC.
Start in the morning
Go all night
Waited all week
It’s time to come alive
Down in Tuscaloosa
Yeah, it’s Roll Tide
[A spotlight illuminates the entrance area. SEC Mouthpiece Phil Finebaum leads Charlie Blackwell, the new MVW Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver out.]
Over in South Carolina
Gamecocks they’re ready to fight
How bout them Dawgs in Georgia?
Kentucky Wildcats bite
Out on the Bayou
There’s a Tiger loose
Florida orange and blue
The Gators are coming for you
Thunderbolt Smith: I know that Barbosa-Stevens has had a belly full of Yosemite Samantha the past two weekends. Not surprised to see her come out here tonight.
Any place, any time
Don’t be late to get in line
To party wherever we go!
[Referee Ron Martin pulls Yosemite Samantha from the ring. Finebaum has a microphone.]
Phil Finebaum: First off…Yosemite Samantha.
Phil Finebaum: You talk a big game when you’ve got your female hockey goons running amuck. But when you’re the premier sports entertainment faction in professional wrestling…you know how to react and neutralize threats.
[The video screen comes alive.]
(Live from the Hanson Sisters’s dressing room)
[The camera pans through the dressing room. All three Hanson sisters (Andrea, Charissa, and Melissa) are laying duct taped to the benches and unable to move.]
Phil Finebaum: Yeah. Now…Sammy…my guess is that Lisa probably inflicted significant spraining to your ankle if she didn’t outright injure a ligament. Um…good luck with that next week at MVWA 79. I guess we’ll find out just how tough you really are.
[The crowd boos back.]
Phil Finebaum: I’m thinking your chances of winning are about the same as Jim Harbaugh winning a Big Ten title. Speaking of Mr. Harbaugh…Ray McAvay. You remind me a lot of Jim Harbaugh. High lofty ideals. But nothing to back them up.
[McAvay smiles and points to the title belt.]
Phil Finebaum: Yeah, yeah…you’ve got the title. Ray. You spectacularly miss the point…as always. The SEC is better than every other pro wrestling faction…we’re better than you. Yes. You raised your game last month at MVWA 78 and defeated Charlie Blackwell. But the fact of the matter is that you won’t have Dawn McGill in your corner at MVWA 79…Charlie Blackwell will. That’s right. Despite the fact that you drove Dawn McGill to drink and led to her getting picked up this week for DUI, she will be in Charlie’s corner next Saturday night.
Thunderbolt Smith: That wasn’t called for.
Rick Hall: It’s a cheap shot.
Phil Finebaum: Besides the exception last month, Charlie Blackwell owns you just like Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer owns Jim Harbaugh. At MVWA 79, the SEC will be at full strength. At MVWA 79, the SEC will project our corporate power to its fullest extent and walk out with all three title belts. At MVWA 79, the SEC will not be prevented from being at ringside and Ray McAvay will not leave there as the MVW Men’s champion.
[McAvay jumps in.]
Ray McAvay: Okay. Charlie Blackwell owns me? Um…sure. The fact of the matter is that Charlie Blackwell has choked away opportunity after opportunity. This is his fourth chance at the title. He hasn’t beat me before and regardless if my ex-wife is in his corner or not, he ain’t going to beat me at MVWA 79. I hate to tell you this Phil but your SEC isn’t the champion of anything. P.M.C. Banks and Justin Beaver at the tag team champions…not your little corporation. Lisa Barbosa-Stevens is the Women’s champion…not your corporation. They are champions because they are worthy to become champions…SEC affiliation or not.
Phil Finebaum: Yeah…yeah…yeah. Ray, like Jim Harbaugh, you are overrated. The only reason you still have the belt is because your strippers-
Dark and Stormy (very loud and very indignant): ADULT ENTERTAINERS!
Phil Finebaum: …whatever…interfered the match. I guarantee you that at MVWA 79, your basket of Deplorables will not stop the SEC and Charlie Blackwell…with Dawn McGill in his corner…from ending your mediocre title reign.
[McAvay flips Finebaum off.]
Phil Finebaum: And finally, the losers that Dawn no longer manages…the Island of Misfit Wrestlers. Rah and Halitosis. Regina McGill is apparently helping them out now and she’s a wash out from the SEC. Okay, Regina helped them to a couple house show wins. But this is MVWA 79. Banks and Beaver are the best tag team in Missouri Valley Wrestling. Rah and Halitosis had their moment…however fleeting. Saturday night will cement the fact that Banks and Beaver are the gold standard of which all MVW tag teams are compared to. Ladies and gentlemen. If you want to watch the very best wrestling that MVW has to offer…then I invite you to tune in to MVWA 79 on Bro-Slam to the final three matches of the show.
Rick Hall: All matches involving the SEC.
[Finebaum returns back to Ray.]
Phil Finebaum: Your time is running out Ray. Enjoy it while you can.
[The SEC regroup on the floor and file out.]
[Quick cut to medical personnel assisting Yosemite Samantha to the back. She’s not putting any weight on her ankle.]
DAWN McGILL UPDATE
[Cut back live to Thunderbolt and Hall.]
Thunderbolt Smith: I think Finebaum covered all the bases there.
Rick Hall: I’m intrigued to what lengths the SEC will go to defeat Ray McAvay.
Thunderbolt Smith: We’ll find out next Saturday at MVWA 79 on Bro-Slam. We’ll also find out just how badly injured Yosemite Samantha’s ankle is after what Lisa Barbosa-Stevens did to her last night. We’ll have McAvay’s quick rebuttal to Finebaum’s remarks right after our commercial messages.
Rick Hall: But first, let’s address the Dawn McGill situation.
Thunderbolt Smith: As you know, Dawn was taken into custody last Tuesday evening on suspicion of driving under the influence. She was released the next morning on her own recognizance and she is not here tonight. I’ve spoken to her sister Regina McGill- she hasn’t spoken to Dawn in quite a while. I spoke to her ex-husband Ray McAvay. He told me he hasn’t had any contact with Dawn since the arrest. MVW CEO Jill Berg has spoken with Dawn several times in the past couple days but she is not willing to disclose what they discussed. All Jill is willing to say at this point is that she believes Dawn will be at MVWA 79 next Saturday night.
Rick Hall: For those of us who know her well, she’s been through a lot the past two years since the birth of her twins with Ray McAvay. The incident at Rolla. The false starts on retirement and trying to finally hang up her wrestling boots. The break up of her marriage to Ray. The return and subsequent collapse of PCW. And now this alleged video of her with Ken Kardoucheian that ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann is blackmailing her with. I think things have hit a boiling point and come to the surface. I know she’s getting help. And that’s all I want to say about the subject.
Thunderbolt Smith: So…with that, let’s take our break and then more with MVW Men’s champion Ray McAvay.
*BLEEP*-ing with McGill
A package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a supermarket checkout line.
Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky presents *BLEEP*-ing with McGill.
Dawn McGill is pushing a shopping cart towards the express register for 10 items and under. Her four year old daughter Eva is riding inside the cart. Just as she’s about to reach the cashier, some guy barges through with a full shopping cart and literally pushes the other customers out of his way. He bangs into Dawn’s cart and cuts in front of her.
Eva McGill: Ow, Mommy! That man ran into us!
Dawn McGill: It’s okay, dear. I’m sure it was just an accident-
The guy then turns to Dawn and sneers.
Jerk Man: Hey, do you mind keeping your kid quiet. I’m in a hurry here.
Dawn begins to fume as the man turns back around and starts loading up the express lane with his groceries. Of course, the express lane register isn’t built for people with an overabundance of groceries so he quickly runs out of space to put his stuff.
The guy then turns on the poor girl running the register.
Jerk Man: Come on, let’s go! I don’t have all day.
Finally, Dawn taps the man on the back of his shoulder.
He whips around.
Jerk Man (nearly shouting): WHAT-oooooooooof…
Dawn knees him in the groin. Then she takes a side headlock and DDT’s the jerk on the hard grocery store floor.
The surrounding customers waiting in line break out in applause.
Final scene: a package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky superimposed over the man unconscious on the ground with blood coming out of his forehead.
Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky. Feed your irrationally foolish side.
*BLEEP*-ing with McGill
A package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a campground. There’s a truck with a camper in the bed parked in a forest area with plenty of trees.
Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky presents *BLEEP*-ing with McGill.
Three men sit around a campfire. The one on the left is crouched down on the ground munching on a piece of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky. The other two are drinking coffee from a mug.
There’s a rustling by an old barn where four trash cans are located. All four are overflowing over the top. All three look over and see Dawn McGill with an empty water bottle in her hand. She’s wearing shorts and a tank top as she’s out for a run.
Dawn McGill: Hey guys. Do you know if there’s any other trash receptacles nearby?
The crouching guy snacking on the beef jerky gets an idea. He reaches into his rucksack and pulls out one of those trick cans that sprays out plastic snakes when you open it up.
Guy #1: Hey guys.
He shows the can to the others.
Dawn McGill: Um. You do know that I can hear you, right?
The other two snicker at the idea. The man on the far right who’s wearing a plaid lumberjack jacket points to a rock in front of Dawn and the other guy ‘sneaks’ over there with the can.
Dawn McGill: Okay. You do know that I can see you sneaking up here.
The other two watch as the guy places the can on the rock, with Dawn observing him, and then ‘sneaks’ back to the campfire.
Dawn looks down at the can.
Dawn McGill: All right. I know what’s inside the can. I’m going to open it up. These plastic thingys are going to come flying out. And then I’m going to have to do something really bad to you guys.
The three campers simply stare at her.
Dawn McGill: Okay…fine.
She opens the can. Two plastic snakes fly out and the campers begin to laugh. Dawn gives out a ‘look’ that said ‘seriously?’ She exhales, turns, and runs into the woods.
The three campers scurry towards their camper just as Dawn comes back out with a rather ominous looking weapon in hand.
Guy #2 (panicked shout): OH *BLEEP*, SHE’S GOT AN RPG!
Guy #3 (even more panicked): RUN!
As the campers veer off into the woods, Dawn smiles…aims…and fires the Rocket Propelled Gernade into the camper and blows it up.
Final scene: a package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky superimposed over the burning truck and the debris field around it.
Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky. Feed your irrationally foolish side.
November 25th – MVWA 79
– Municipal Auditorium / Kansas City, MO
December 1st – Pittsburg, KS
December 2nd – Wichita, KS
December 3rd – Dodge City, KS
December 6th – Miami, OK
December 8th – Joplin, MO
December 9th – Springfield, MO
December 10th – Bentonville, AR
December 16th – MVWA 80
– Hinkle Fieldhouse / Indianapolis, IN
January 8th – Shenandoah, IA
January 9th – Des Moines, IA
January 10th – Oskaloosa, IA
‘TIN CUP’ RAY McAVAY PROMO
[McAvay’s in the ring with the Deplorables standing behind him.]
Ray McAvay: Charlie. You’re on the wrong team. I exposed you last month. You bring your corporate army next Saturday night to Kansas City and we’ll just see who has the stomach for this fight. We’ll just see who has the heart. We’ll just see who has the drive and determination because I don’t think your corporate army has the stomach…the heart…or the drive and determination. You know who does?
[Ray gestures to the Deplorables behind him. Then he gestures to the audience.]
Ray McAvay: These people do. And at MVWA 79, you’ll find out that I do too.
[McAvay drops the microphone.]
ISLAND OF MISFIT WRESTLERS/’REDNECK’ BILL DICKINSON INTERVIEWS
[Cut to Blair Moise backstage.]
Blair Moise: Blair Moise here with…
[Regina McGill, Rah, and ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis step into the shot.]
Blair Moise: …The Island of Misfit Wrestlers…Rah, Halitosis, and Regina McGill. Thanks for joining me.
Regina McGill: Our pleasure.
Blair Moise: Regina, you’ve stepped into quite the situation here.
Regina McGill: I have Blair. No one is going to replace my older sister Dawn. I know it. You know it. We all know it. All I’m trying to do is pump up their confidence. If I can get them back in a positive frame of mind and ready to battle…I’ve done my job.
Blair Moise: There are those who would suggest that without Dawn McGill in their corner, the Misfits aren’t championship material.
Regina McGill: They’re champions, Blair. Champions. They went to 4CW…one of the top wrestling companies in the world…and wrestled against some of the best talent in the world on one of the biggest stages in the world. They’ve defeated the SEC twice at house shows over the past two weeks. I’d say they are championship material.
Blair Moise: MVWA 79 is a huge stage and a huge opportunity.
Regina McGill: It is. I love wrestling, Blair. I love coming out here so much. I lost that when I joined the SEC. I lost that love for wrestling. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I’m not afraid to come on out here and tell everyone. At MVWA 79, we’re going to rectify that mistake…and we’re going to take home the MVW Tag Team title belts. Ray McAvay is right. The SEC is nothing more than a corporation…a soulless entity.
[Regina points at both Rah and Halitosis.]
Regina McGill: This is heart. Soul. Passion. Grit. Determination. Banks? Beaver? You don’t have it. These two do. Next Saturday night at MVWA 79, you’ll see close up just what heart…soul…passion…grit…and determination is all about.
[And with that, Regina, Rah, and Halitosis exit.]
Blair Moise: All right. The Island of Misfit Wrestlers with Regina McGill. Now…
[‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson, holding the Television Title belt over his shoulder, edges into the shot.]
Blair Moise: Now I’ve got the MVW Television Champion ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson with me. Bill? You’ve got Bo Stevens tonight for the TV belt.
Bill Dickinson: Blair, I think you get a good sense on where I’m thinking compared to Bo Stevens. He talks about belief…
Blair Moise: Actually it’s BO-lief.
Bill Dickinson: He can call it whatever he wants. Bo Stevens is going to need a lot more than believe…BO-lief to beat me. He’s going to need a…
[Dickinson balls his right fist and shows it off.]
Bill Dickinson: …right hand. He’s going to need a nasty disposition. And he’s going to have to put my shoulders on the mat and have the referee count…one…two…three. I don’t think he can do it.
[And with that, Dickinson takes his leave.]
Blair Moise: We’ll have our main event for you after these words.
Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow Commercial
Announcer Guy: It’s a Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow commercial and you know what that means.
[The spot starts as the valets of Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Ray McAvay, Dark and Stormy, wearing the official MVW/Ray McAvay ‘Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work.’ t-shirts (in white) and Daisy Duke Shorts, stand in his corner during a match.]
[High Octane Wrestling Hall of Fame announcers Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell sit at the broadcast table and are commentating on the match as both ladies pull out a Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger loaded with every condiment you could imagine and begin to eat in a most sensuous stimulating way.]
Joe Hoffman: McAvay with the sidewalk slam. What a move…right Benny? Benny?
[Hoffman notices that Benny is otherwise occupied at the moment.]
Joe Hoffman: Benny?
[Why? Because Benny’s not watching the action inside the ring. He’s watching the action outside the ring. The house lights inside the Best Arena turn low and a spotlight shines on Stormy, her brown hair ruffling in the artificially produced wind- thanks to a huge off screen fan. Stormy sees Benny staring at her and waves as she slowly, tantalizingly takes a huge bite from the Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger sandwich.]
Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time, Hoffhole.
Joe Hoffman: What?
Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time until one of them spills barbeque sauce on their shirt and then we’ll have a real strip show here.
[As if on cue, Dark, her black hair also fluttering in the artificially created breeze, takes a huge bite of her sandwich and a massive glob of barbeque sauce slathered in between the buns slithers out and stains her pearly white t-shirt.]
Benny Newell: See? I told you.
[Of course, Dark’s horrified at the development so she slips off her barbeque sauce stained t-shirt and reveals that she’s wearing a barbeque colored bikini top.]
Joe Hoffman: Well, the action seems to have shifted away from the ring.
[Ray McAvay and his unknown opponent have stopped wrestling and lean against the top rope to watch as Stormy takes a sizable bite of her Baconburger. In a shocking development, a major glob of barbeque sauce spills onto her white t-shirt.]
Benny Newell: YES! Thank you God! Thank you!
[So Stormy also pulls off her barbeque stained white t-shirt off and- surprise, she too has a barbeque colored bikini top on.]
Benny Newell: Could this get any better?
[Bert the Janitor walks into the scene. He picks up the two soiled white t-shirts and tosses them into his mop bucket. He hands Dark a supersized bottle of barbeque sauce and then moves on. She slowly opens up the bottle and proceeds to pour it all over the burger, all over Stormy’s burger, and then ‘accidently’ spills it all over herself.]
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know Benny. It sure looks like she did that on purpose-
Benny Newell: Shut up Hoffhole! Accidents happen. Now, what just happened in my pants, that was not an accident.
[Joe slowly turns his gaze towards Benny and shakes his head.]
[Being the helpful person she is, Stormy tries to clean up the massive mess her friend just made by licking the barbeque sauce off Dark’s chest- of which you can’t tell now if she’s wearing a bikini top or not. In the process, the barbeque sauce ends up spilled all over her chest…and neck…and then her arms.]
Announcer Guy (v/o): Two for the price of one.
[Watching from the ring, McAvay’s eyes widen and he leans on the top rope to get a closer view. Former HOW backstage announcer Blair Moise appears behind him. She ‘Gibbs-slaps’ Ray in the back of the head.]
Ray McAvay (holding the back of his head): Ow!
Announcer Guy (v/o): Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger …
[Dark begins to undo Stormy’s bikini top.]
Announcer Guy (v/o): Only at Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow
Benny Newell: WAIT! DON’T END THE COMMERCIAL NOW!
[Fade to black.]
Benny Newell’s voice: AW, *BLEEP*-ING HELL!
JILL BERG PSA
Announcer Guy: “And now, a public service announcement from Jill Berg.”
Jill Berg stands in front of an animal shelter.
Jill Berg: “Hi. I’m Jill Berg for the ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ Foundation. One of the goals of ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ to facilitate positive interactions between neighbors by creating a safe neighborhood for everyone. ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor goes to local pet shelters and find dogs to train into guard dogs.”
Scene shifts to inside a dog training facility.
Jill Berg: “Thousands of “child-friendly” dogs are trained every month to be matched up with a poor family and help provide a safe, comforting presence. The dogs go through specialized training before they are released to the family…”
A handler works with a dog.
Jill Berg: “Here, the dog is trained to immediately identify an intruder inside the house and the appropriate way to respond.”
A life-size cardboard cut-out of Michael Vick is wheeled into view. The dog growls and immediately takes off. He leaps and bites the cardboard cut-out in the balls and tears it in half.
Jill Berg: “Now, the dog is taught how to appropriately interact with children.”
Scene changes to a split second of a dog humping the handler’s leg, followed by a quick scene shift to the same dog, obviously sedated, laying in a child’s lap being petted.
Scene changes to Jill walking down the hallway of a house.
Jill Berg: “There are some important rules to follow if you take in one of these animals. The big one is to take responsibility for your pet and never paw it off…ha…ha…on someone else. These dogs will literally give their lives to protect yours. Treat them with the respect they-”
The hostile growl of a dog interrupts her.
Jill looks into a room. One of the guard dogs has spotted her and seems to have unpleasant intentions.
Jill Berg: Oh…snap.”
Scene changes to Jill and several children. Jill has a large bandage on her right arm.
Jill Berg: So, support the ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ foundation. I’m Jill Berg, reminding you that…I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”
[Cut back to Thunderbolt and Hall.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Okay. It is time. Kimber Marshall…take it away.
[Cut to Kimber in the ring.]
Kimber Marshall: Our main event tonight is a one fall…
Audience: ONE FALLLLLL!
Kimber Marshall: …and is for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Television Title!
*”Outlaw” – Texas Hippie Coalition*
[Kimber turns to the entrance as the music starts.]
Well…I’m like a hurricane, I’m coming baby
I’m where the sun don’t shine
But damn hard on the bullet baby
It’s gonna hurt this time
No, you won’t ever see it coming baby
I get you from the blind side
So hold on tight to me baby
It’s a hell of a ride
Kimber Marshall: …accompanied to the ring by Ted Tebow- Tim Tebow’s long lost black sheep brother no one ever knew existed…
Cause I’ve been known to break the law
And yes, it’s true, I own a gun
And I think it’s best that you
Don’t try to tell me what
Kimber Marshall: …from the great state of Texas…please welcome…BOOOOOO…STEEEEE-VANS!
[Stevens and Tebow walk out. Stevens raises his fist in the air. Tebow drops to one knee and bows his head while placing his balled left fist against his forehead aka…‘Tebows’.]
That I’m an outlaw
And I’ve got my pride
The law man he wants to hang me high
Yes I’m an outlaw
On a long hard ride
Until the day I die
Until the day I die baby
Kimber Marshall: His opponent…
*’Buy Me a Boat’- Chris Janson*
[‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson comes out holding up the MVW Television title.]
I ain’t rich, but I damn sure wanna be
Working like a dog all day, ain’t working for me
I wish I had a rich uncle that’d kick the bucket
And that I was sitting on a pile like Warren Buffett
I know everybody says
Money can’t buy happiness
Kimber Marshall: …he is the Missouri Valley Wrestling Television Champion. He is the three hundred and thirty pound Southern Brawler from Gallatin, Tennessee…‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson!
[Dickinson stares down Butler in the ring as he starts forward.]
But it could buy me a boat, it could buy me a truck to pull it
It could buy me a Yeti 110 iced down with some silver bullets
Yeah, and I know what they say
Money can’t buy everything
Well, maybe so,
But it could buy me a boat
[Dickinson rolls into the ring and immediately eyes Stevens.]
MAIN EVENT / MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TELEVISION TITLE:
‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson ©
REFEREE: Davey Keels
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo Stevens versus ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson. Rick, what you think?
Rick Hall: We’re going to find out just how much Bo has learned over the past few weeks. It’s one thing to be in the ring with a wily veteran like ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido. It’s another when it’s the three hundred and thirty pound Southern brawler. Dickinson has proved himself over and over again in the past two months and Bo’s going to have to be at his best to win. However, I also believe that Stevens is the best wrestler Dickinson has been in the ring with in his MVW run. So…hang on.
[Keels checks both men and signals the timekeeper to ring the bell.]
Thunderbolt Smith: The TV Title on the line!
[Stevens starts off cautious. Dickinson takes his time. Stevens jumps and delivers a missile drop kick. Dickinson swats his legs to the side causing Stevens to land on the mat. Bo swings his legs up and kips back to his feet. Bo then swings his leg and boots Dickinson in the groin. The TV champ doubles over]
Thunderbolt Smith: I bet he wasn’t expecting that.
Rick Hall: I wasn’t even expecting that.
[Stevens gets on his bicycle and starts talking to the TV champion. He high steps it back and forth while Dickinson eyes him patiently. Finally, they lock up in a collar and elbow…Stevens gets backed into the corner. Keels steps in and calls for a break. Stevens releases and tries to sneak in a slap. Dickinson ducks under and throws his own open handed right hand slap…then a left hand slap…and a right…and a left. Stevens driven down to a seated position. Dickinson lays the boots in until Keels calls for the break again. Keels hits four before Dickinson backs up.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo Stevens is trying the psychological tactics again this week. But Dickinson isn’t playing along.
Rick Hall: Yeah, they didn’t really work the greatest with ‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler a couple weeks ago either.
[Elbow to the back of the neck by Dickinson. Irish Whip. Dickinson catches Stevens on the return, puts his arms around Bo’s waist and lifts him into a Bear Hug. Then he drops Stevens crotch first over his knee.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Atomic Knee by Dickinson.
[Stevens is doubled up in pain on the mat…rolling back and forth. Dickinson calmly walks over and drops a knee. And another knee. And another. And another.]
Rick Hall: Bo’s in trouble here early on.
[Stevens gets in bigger trouble when Dickinson makes the cover. Keels is right there.]
[T- Stevens kicks out.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo easily kicks out.
[Dickinson lifts him in the air and holds him up while upside down.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Suplex on the way.
[The TV Champ follows through and slams Stevens back first to the mat. Dickinson crawls on top of Stevens.]
[Two…Stevens kicks out.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo Stevens kicks out again.
Rick Hall: Dickinson is taking the match to him at the moment.
[Dickinson winds up and nails Bo with a right hand. Bo lands halfway under the bottom rope. Dickinson tries to press the advantage but Keels gets in front of him. Bo takes the break and slides out of the ring.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo’s going to take a time out and regroup.
Rick Hall: Smart move. Take some time and rethink strategy.
Thunderbolt Smith: Except I don’t think Dickinson is interested in letting Bo rest.
[Bo briefly chats with Tebow at ringside until he sees Dickinson climbing out. Once the Redneck gets two feet on the floor, he pursues him.]
Rick Hall: Dickinson wants to keep the pressure on.
[Bo throws Tebow in front of Dickinson…Dickinson swats him away as if he was a gnat…and throws himself under the bottom rope. Dickinson follows. Bo turns the tables on the TV champ and greets him with a basement dropkick as he climbs back into the ring. This angers Dickinson. He gets back up and charges at Bo. Bo moves out of the way and Dickinson ends up posting himself. Bo reaches around the big man and lifts him up and over.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Bo’s fighting back.
Rick Hall: Huge belly to back suplex!
[Bo starts firing rights and left, shouting “BO-lief…BO-lief…” with every punch… Tebow drops to one knee and bows his head while placing his balled left fist against his forehead aka…‘Tebows’ every time. Dickinson punches back and connects with another right. He tries to force his way up to his feet but Stevens doubles up on his rights…steps forward…slips the right foot behind Dickinson and trips him to the mat. Dickinson’s head hits the mat hard. Stevens covers right away.]
[Stevens shoots the shoulder up. Keels shows two fingers.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Stevens out of nowhere turns the tables and gets back into the match.
[Stevens takes a side headlock and walks Dickinson to the ropes. He jumps and plants his feet on the top rope…swings his legs around and face plants him to the mat.]
Thunderbolt Smith: BO-dog!
[Stevens hooks the leg. Keels slides in.]
[Dickinson kicks out. Keels holds up two fingers.]
[Bo takes Dickinson by the back of the head…runs forward…and slams him face first to the mat.]
Thunderbolt Smith: BO-dog!
[Stevens rolls him over and hooks the leg.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Can he do it?
[Th-…Dickinson kicks out at the last possible moment. Keels shouts out ‘Two!’]
Rick Hall: Oh so close!
Thunderbolt Smith: I thought he had it for a second.
[With Dickinson still on the mat, Bo runs the ropes. He comes back and leaps.]
Thunderbolt Smith: High in the skyyyyy…
[Dickinson brings his knees up and Stevens lands stomach first on them.]
Rick Hall: And down goes Bo Stevens. Dickinson got the knees up and Stevens came down right on it.
[Both men are down and slow to get back up.]
Thunderbolt Smith: It took Bo a while to get going but he’s acquitted himself well in this match.
[Stevens up first. Then Dickinson. Stevens throws a right. Dickinson throws a right. Stevens- another right. Dickinson- another right.]
Rick Hall: They’re both throwing haymakers.
[Stevens takes a side headlock. But Dickinson grabs his left leg and bends it back ninety degrees. He lifts Stevens into the air and brings him down on his knee.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Legbreaker by Dickinson.
[Dickinson holds on to the leg. Stevens tries to get away but he twists and falls to the mat. Dickinson drives his elbow into Bo’s thigh. Dickinson gets back up and kicks Stevens square in the balls.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Yowza!
Rick Hall: And that might be it…
[Immobilized and curled in a ball, Dickinson grabs him, pulls him up, and places his head between his legs. Dickinson lifts Stevens to a sitting position on his shoulders…and drives him to the mat.]
Thunderbolt Smith: Dickinson powerbombs Stevens.
[Dickinson dives down to cover. Keels slides in.]
[Keels calls for the bell.]
Thunderbolt Smith: And ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson survives and somehow pulls out the win!
[Keels raises Dickinson’s arm.]
Rick Hall: This one wasn’t easy. Bo Stevens gave him a good run tonight.
Thunderbolt Smith: ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson retains the MVW Television title here on MVW Sunday Night Wrestling.
[The video screen comes on. It’s Jill Berg at her desk.]
Thunderbolt Smith: And now, we are about to find out what the full card is going to be for MVWA 79 this Saturday night.
Jill Berg (on the video screen): Time is short so let’s get right to it…
FINAL MVWA 79 CARD
MAIN EVENT / MEN’S TITLE MATCH:
‘‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay © vs. Charlie Blackwell of the Sports Entertainment Corporation
HEADLINER / MVW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH:
Lisa Barbosa-Stevens © of the SEC vs. Yosemite Samantha
HEADLINER / MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
The Sports Entertainment Corporation: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver © vs. Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis with Regina McGill
SPECIAL ATTRACTION MATCH:
The Hanson Sisters: Andrea and Melissa Hanson with Charissa Hanson vs. ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt
TELEVISION TITLE #1 CONTENDER’S MATCH
Bo Stevens vs. ‘Cowboy’ Dan Butler vs. SNAFU with Coach E.J. Flack
‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin vs. Kathryn Randall Collins
Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb with Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. Farmer John and the new age cybertronic criminally insane rogue sentient robot wrestling machine…Ultratron-Five