MVW Sunday Night Wrestling – November 12th

Halitosis has P.M.C. Banks in trouble during the Main Event.  ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver (in red) and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann watch.

Last Week on MVW Sunday Night Wrestling:

The Kardoucheians Ride High

[Cut to the ring and the Kardoucheians who are extremely pleased with what transpired at MVWA 78.]

Khris Kardoucheian: …so, you saw a certain Dawn McGill on her dream date with Ken on what had to be a special night for her. And let me tell you, I wasn’t quite sure how this would go…


Ken Kardoucheian: And then we decided to go back to my hotel room.   That’s when things got interesting if you know what I mean.


(FLIM CLIP: Ken and Dawn in the back seat of the limo)

[Dawn guzzles down a massive drink from her whiskey bottle. Then she grabs Ken by the lapel…pulls him towards her…and starts making out with him. This lasts for thirty seconds. Then they come up for air. Dawn takes another swig of whiskey. Ken does the same…]

Khris Kordoucheian: The good thing is that we’ve got it all down on video. Now, I know that everyone’s asking why the video stops while they were still in the limousine. Because…it seems that Miss McGill is a little embarrassed by what transpired after that point. So much that she called me the next day and all but begged me to make a deal to keep the rest of that video from ever seeing the light of day. Something about her being a mother and not wanting her kids to ever see that. So…she offered me a deal. Dawn stated if I would keep the video out of the public domain, she would leave Missouri Valley Wrestling for good.

[Boos from the audience.]


Mr. McMann Writes the Check

[A spotlight illuminates the entrance area. ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, SEC Mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, CSPN (Corporate SportsEntertainment Programming Nation) CEO Mark Splitter, a heavily bandaged up Charlie Blackwell, the new MVW Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver with his valets ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt with her guitar that leaks out white powder leaving a trail behind her, and MVW Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens come out. Splitter also carries a briefcase with him.]

Khris Kardoucheian: …well…I got a call from my good friend Mr. McMann. He’d heard about what happened last Saturday night and offered me a business deal that I couldn’t refuse.


[McMann and CSPN CEO Mark Splitter climb into the ring. Splitter opens up the case and pulls out a check.]

Mr. McMann: I believe two million dollars will settle this.

[Khris’s eyes light up.]

Khris Kardoucheian: Yes. Oh yes it will.


Mr. McMann: …what to do…what to do. The first thing we did was to make sure Dawn McGill was here.   Um…Dawn? You might want to come on out.

[Again, the spotlight shines on the entrance area. Dawn McGill, dressed in her everyday clothes as if she was not expected to be at the show ie…white button down blouse, blue jeans, slip on flats, reluctantly and warily makes her way down to the ring. She does get an ovation from the MVW fans.]


Mr. McMann: Dawn, here’s the deal. I don’t know what’s on this video that the Kardoucheians shot but it intrigues me that you don’t want it to become public. So much that you’re willing to go home and stay there. I personally think that’s a waste of your talent and one of our corporate objectives was to bring you into the SEC so…you will become part of the SEC. But not as the Six Foot Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt Dawn McGill.

[Dawn tilts her head and looks quizzically back at McMann.]

Mr. McMann: For the past three months Dawn, you’ve played this brainless blonde bimbo airhead character, who by the way oh so conveniently broke out of character whenever your tag team got in trouble, when I wanted the Six Foot Demolition Machine for MVW. You did it just to piss me off.   I think you termed it ‘Sports Entertainment Barbie,’ yes?

[McGill musters up a smile back at McMann.]

Dawn McGill: Why yes…yes I did.

Mr. McMann: So, since I am the undisputed ‘Sports Entertainment Genius,’ I’ve decided that you will keep your ‘Sports Entertainment Barbie’ character in the SEC…and just tweak it a little.   Now since we have Miley Vyrus and Taylor Switt in the SEC, I don’t need another female enforcer. So you, Miss McGill, will continue to play the role that you’ve perfected over the past few weeks…a brainless blonde bimbo airhead ’Sports Entertainment Barbie.’

Dawn McGill (surprised): What?

Mr. McMann: You won’t slip out of character to get involved in matches. You’re only job is to be the SEC’s eye candy character…and that’s all!…


Missouri Valley Wrestling CEO Jill Berg’s Office

[Jill Berg and her assistant Jerry are watching Mr. McMann talk about Dawn McGill at her executive desk. Berg turns off the TV with a remote control.]

[Jill Berg and her assistant Jerry are watching Mr. McMann talk about Dawn McGill at her executive desk. Berg turns off the TV with a remote control.]

Jill Berg: Dawn…Dawn…Dawn.

[Jill shakes her head. The buzzer on Jill’s phone goes off. Jill pushes a button.]

Jill Berg: Yes?

Jill’s Secretary (voice over phone): Clayton Ridgeway of the Independent Western Wrestling World is her to see you.

Jill Berg: Good. Send him right in.

[Jill faces the camera.]

Jill Berg: And now it’s time to chase the camera out the door while I talk a little business with my good friend and the matchmaker of I3W.

MVW Sunday Night Wrestling
Sunday November 12th, 2017
MVW Television Studio
St. Louis, MO
Hosts: Thunderbolt Smith and ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall

[Opening shot- Camera pans around the ring. There’s over a hundred people inside the MVW Television studio.]

[Crowd applause]

[Cut to Thunderbolt Smith and Rick Hall inside the ring.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Hello and welcome to MVW Sunday Night Wrestling brought to you by Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky and Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow!

[More applause.]

Thunderbolt Smith: I am Thunderbolt Smith. He is ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall.

[Hall waves by raising his hand up and turning it a quarter to the right.]

Rick Hall: Hey.

Thunderbolt Smith: MVW CEO Jill Berg seems to know something concerning that video that ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and the SEC doesn’t.

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, I said this last week. It would suck if that video wasn’t what Mr. McMann thought it was…well it would suck for Mr. McMann.

Thunderbolt Smith: Either way, Dawn McGill is now with the SEC and received a ‘Sports Entertainment’ makeover last Monday. We’ll see the ‘new’ Dawn later on tonight as the new Tag Team champions the SEC with P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver takes on her former team and the former Tag Team champions the Island of Misfit Wrestlers Rah and the ‘Luchador with Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis.

Rick Hall: Rah and Halitosis defeated the SEC a week ago at a MVW house show and I know they want a rematch for the title. A win tonight might make that happen.

Thunderbolt Smith: Also on the card tonight, the MVW Men’s Champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay returns to action tonight…one week after getting married to one of his valets- West Texas Adult Entertainment Legend Dark…aka Stacee Perry.

Rick Hall: McAvay, who was brutal and unyielding and dominant in his MVWA 78 against Charlie Blackwell, gets back into the ring tonight against the always interesting Canadian Molson swigging Jack Frasier and his Oootlander Blaire Rendell.

Thunderbolt Smith: We fully expect a couple of MVWA 79 matches to be announced tonight as well. But now, let’s go right to the ring for our first match.

[Cut to ring announcer Kimber Marshall.]

Kimber Marshall

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen! Our first match of the night is a one fall…

Audience: ONE FALL!

Kimber Marshall: …fifteen minute time limit. Introducing first, already in the ring…from St. Louis, Missouri…Cheryl Parkman!

[The five foot seven inch, one hundred and ten pound Parkman, brown haired with freckles with a standard women’s wrestling one piece outfit on, bounces up and down in the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…

*”Moth to a Flame”- Metallica*

Kimber Marshall: She is from Dodge City, Kansas! She is the roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowgirl who ever crossed the Rio Grande! Please welcome…YOOOOO-SIMMM-MIT-TEEEEEEEE…SAMANTHA!

Yosemite Samantha

[Yosemite Samantha, sporting a big ten gallon cowboy hat and a holster complete with gun, walks out onto the stage and gives Parkman the ol’ stinkeye.]

Blacked out
Pop queen, amphetamine
The screams crashed into silence

Tapped out
Doused in the gasoline
The high times going timeless

Death of the innocence
The pathway starts to spiral

All for publicity
Destruction going viral

[With an intense look on her face, Yosemite Samantha marches down to the ring.]

Light it up
Ah, light it up
Another hit erases all the pain
Ah, kill the truth
You’re falling, but you think you’re flying high
High again

[She leaps onto the ring apron and takes aim at her opponent.]

Sold your soul
Built a higher wall
Now you’re thrown away

Same rise and fall
Who cares at all?
Seduced by fame
A moth into the flame

Thunderbolt Smith: Your thoughts on Yosemite Samantha?

Rick Hall: She’s got her eye set on the Women’s title.   Yosemite Samantha certainly has the champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens on notice after the two had a few dust-ups with each other over the past couple weeks at several MVW house shows.

Thunderbolt Smith: Referee Ron Martin could have his hands full with the combustible redhead from Dodge City.

[Samantha removes her cowboy hat and gun holster and leaves them in the corner.]



Yosemite Samantha
Cheryl Parkman

Referee: Ron Martin



Thunderbolt Smith: Here we go.

[Yosemite Samantha goes right to the center of the ring…plants her left foot…and nails Parkman with a bicycle kick that sends her right back to her corner on her butt.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Wow. Shots fired.

Rick Hall: She doesn’t mess around, Thunderbolt.

[Samantha takes off to the other side of the ring…hits the ropes…and gathers speed and leaps feet first at Parkman connecting again. Parkman tips over but Samantha grabs her and tosses her into the middle of the ring. Parkman gets to a kneeling position. Samantha from behind slips in and hits a cutter. She covers.]



[No. Parkman gets a shoulder up.]

Thunderbolt Smith: What a quick start by Yosemite Samantha!

Rick Hall: It’s a good thing she’s not getting paid by the hour.

[Samantha pulls her up and launches Parkman across the ring…over the top rope…and tumbling to the floor. She follows her right out and sits a dazed Parkman on an empty chair by the ring table against the steel barricade. Then Yosemite Samantha takes off around the ring…building up speed as she goes like a rogue asteroid hurtling through space towards its target…

Thunderbolt Smith: She’s taking a trip around the world and I have a feeling I know where she’s going to land.

[…Yosemite Samantha careens around the corner and now she’s in a full sprint. She leaps and does a one eighty turn and smashes into Parkman…crushing her against the steel barricade.]

Thunderbolt Smith: CANNONBALL!

[Parkman slides off the chair to the floor. She’s then drug back to the ring by Yosemite Samantha and rolled back in. Samantha slides in and hooks the leg.]





Kimber Marshall: Your winner…YOSEMITE SAMANTHA!

[Ron Martin raises Yosemite Samantha’s hand in victory.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Well? Yosemite Samantha throwing down the gauntlet here tonight. That was a spectacular performance.

Rick Hall: She stunned Cheryl early and often. Parkman is probably still wondering what hit her.

*”Party Wherever We Go (SEC Theme Song)” – Robert Randolph and the Family Band*

Thunderbolt Smith: And hang on…

Start in the morning
Go all night
Waited all week
It’s time to come alive
Biggest stage
Brightest lights
Down in Tuscaloosa
Yeah, it’s Roll Tide

[A spotlight illuminates the entrance area.]

Charlie Blackwell, P.M.C. Banks, Justin Beaver, Lisa Barbosa-Stevens, ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann

[‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, SEC Mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, Charlie Blackwell, the new MVW Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver with his valets ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt with her guitar that leaks out white powder leaving a trail behind her, and MVW Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens come out.]

Over in South Carolina
Gamecocks they’re ready to fight
How bout them Dawgs in Georgia?
Kentucky Wildcats bite
Out on the Bayou
There’s a Tiger loose
Florida orange and blue
The Gators are coming for you

Thunderbolt Smith: I know that Barbosa-Stevens has had a belly full of Yosemite Samantha the past two weekends. Not surprised to see her come out here tonight.

Any place, any time
Don’t be late to get in line
To party wherever we go!


[Yosemite Samantha points at Lisa and starts yelling towards her.]

Lisa Barbosa-Stevens: Okay…okay. Yosemite Samantha.

[The audience boos. Lisa rolls her eyes.]

Lisa Barbosa-Stevens (to the audience): Don’t worry. I’ll let you folks get it out of your system before I continue.

[She waits them out and then continues.]

Lisa Barbosa-Stevens (to Yosemite Samantha): The last two weeks, no matter where I’ve been, you’ve been sticking your nose into my business…you’ve been opening your mouth and God only knows, I’ve had to listen to you go on and on and on about how you’re gunning for me and wanting a title shot. And then you pulled this little stunt last night in Carbondale, Illinois.


[Lisa Barbosa-Stevens leans over the top rope during her match with ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris. She’s staring down Yosemite Samantha who’s come to ringside even though she was banned from interfering in Lisa’s match. Lisa points her finger at her and to the back- directing Samantha to the dressing room area.]

[Yosemite Samantha flips her off. Then three women dressed in identical dark blue hockey jerseys with ‘CHIEFS’ across the front and each carrying a hockey stick hit the ring behind an unsuspecting Lisa. They are the Hanson Sisters: Andrea, Charissa, and Melissa. Andrea is the lighter haired Hanson…both Charissa and Melissa have dark hair. All three sport black horned rim glasses.]

[Lisa finally gets the sense she’s in danger and turns around. Andrea cross check’s Lisa and forces her into the corner. Then she checks her into the corner turnbuckle. Then Charissa charges in and rams into Andrea who crushes Lisa in the corner. Then Melissa does the same. The Hansons also take gratuitous cheap shots at Lisa while they’re bunched in the corner before the trio back away and leave the Women’s champion crumpled in the corner.]

Lisa Barbosa-Stevens: Yeah, you sent in your goons to rough me up. Three against one. I’m not impressed. But on the way here tonight, I thought about it and put it all in perspective. I’ve doing this for a long time. You are a relative newcomer. I’ve been training…putting in endless hours working out…getting my ass kicked in the ring and learning from every experience. No matter how sore I was…no matter how much I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep, I got my ass out of bed because I knew I had to start paying the price. To get where I am now…the price is big.

[Yosemite Samantha shouts at Lisa- she dismisses her and continues.]

Lisa Barbosa-Stevens: I can’t count the number of times I was this close to winning this title only to have something completely out of my control happen and not get the opportunity. I worked hard for this title. I bled for this title. I earned this title. You think that you can just show up at a house show and cheap shot your way into a title shot like you’ve done the last two weekends? No. It doesn’t work like that, Sammy. You win a few more matches and maybe…just maybe…you’ll get your chance a few months down the road. But until then, stay out of my space…stay out of my matches…stay out of my face-

[More boos from the audience. Then the video screen fires up and Jill Berg’s face fills the screen. She’s in her office.]

Jill Berg: Lisa, you’re right. You had a hard road to get where you are right now. You had some tough breaks. You overcome them. And now, you’re the women’s champion.

[Lisa smiles and nods in agreement.]

Jill Berg: But…I will also say that Yosemite Samantha is not just a newbie who just showed up at the door. She’s been here for several months. She’s worked a lot of house shows over the past few months. And she’s picked up a couple of big wins…one at MVWA 77…one at MVWA 78…very recently to merit her jumping into title contention.

[Now Lisa frowns and scowls at the video screen.]

Jill Berg: However Lisa, I do agree with you that she needs to earn her opportunity. So, next Saturday night in Cedar Rapids, Iowa…Yosemite Samantha will face the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin…and the winner will face you- Lisa Barbosa-Stevens…for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Women’s title. And you…our fans…you will get to see the match next Sunday night on MVW’s Sunday Night Wrestling.

[Mr. McMann steps towards the video screen.]

Mr. McMann: Jill, wait a minute. We didn’t talk about booking that-

[The video screen goes blank leaving Mr. McMann in the lurch. Lisa turns to Yosemite Samantha and glares at her. Yosemite Samantha nods her head as she’s now one win away from a title shot.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Jill Berg has set the first match for MVWA 79. We now know that Lisa Barbosa-Stevens will defend her title against the winner of Yosemite Samantha and ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin next Saturday night in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. We will show the match next Sunday.

Rick Hall: Tessa Martin will be the toughest opponent Yosemite Samantha has faced to date. If she can defeat the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl,’ she will have more than earned her title shot against Barbosa-Stevens.

Thunderbolt Smith: All right. More action coming up right after these messages.



Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow Commercial

Announcer Guy: It’s a Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow commercial and you know what that means.

[The spot starts as the valets of Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Ray McAvay, Dark and Stormy, wearing the official MVW/Ray McAvay ‘Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work.’ t-shirts (in white) and Daisy Duke Shorts, stand in his corner during a match.]

[High Octane Wrestling Hall of Fame announcers Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell sit at the broadcast table and are commentating on the match as both ladies pull out a Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger loaded with every condiment you could imagine and begin to eat in a most sensuous stimulating way.]

Joe Hoffman: McAvay with the sidewalk slam.  What a move…right Benny?  Benny?

[Hoffman notices that Benny is otherwise occupied at the moment.]

Joe Hoffman: Benny?

[Why? Because Benny’s not watching the action inside the ring.  He’s watching the action outside the ring.  The house lights inside the Best Arena turn low and a spotlight shines on Stormy, her brown hair ruffling in the artificially produced wind- thanks to a huge off screen fan.  Stormy sees Benny staring at her and waves as she slowly, tantalizingly takes a huge bite from the Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger sandwich.]

Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time, Hoffhole.

Joe Hoffman: What?

Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time until one of them spills barbeque sauce on their shirt and then we’ll have a real strip show here.

[As if on cue, Dark, her black hair also fluttering in the artificially created breeze, takes a huge bite of her sandwich and a massive glob of barbeque sauce slathered in between the buns slithers out and stains her pearly white t-shirt.]

Benny Newell: See?  I told you.

[Of course, Dark’s horrified at the development so she slips off her barbeque sauce stained t-shirt and reveals that she’s wearing a barbeque colored bikini top.]

Joe Hoffman: Well, the action seems to have shifted away from the ring.

[Ray McAvay and his unknown opponent have stopped wrestling and lean against the top rope to watch as Stormy takes a sizable bite of her Baconburger.  In a shocking development, a major glob of barbeque sauce spills onto her white t-shirt.]

Benny Newell: YES!  Thank you God!  Thank you!

[So Stormy also pulls off her barbeque stained white t-shirt off and- surprise, she too has a barbeque colored bikini top on.]

Benny Newell: Could this get any better?

[Bert the Janitor walks into the scene.  He picks up the two soiled white t-shirts and tosses them into his mop bucket.  He hands Dark a supersized bottle of barbeque sauce and then moves on. She slowly opens up the bottle and proceeds to pour it all over the burger, all over Stormy’s burger, and then ‘accidently’ spills it all over herself.]

Joe Hoffman: I don’t know Benny.  It sure looks like she did that on purpose-

Benny Newell: Shut up Hoffhole!  Accidents happen.  Now, what just happened in my pants, that was not an accident.

[Joe slowly turns his gaze towards Benny and shakes his head.]

[Being the helpful person she is, Stormy tries to clean up the massive mess her friend just made by licking the barbeque sauce off Dark’s chest- of which you can’t tell now if she’s wearing a bikini top or not.  In the process, the barbeque sauce ends up spilled all over her chest…and neck…and then her arms.]

Announcer Guy (v/o): Two for the price of one.

[Watching from the ring, McAvay’s eyes widen and he leans on the top rope to get a closer view.  Former HOW backstage announcer Blair Moise appears behind him.  She ‘Gibbs-slaps’ Ray in the back of the head.]

Ray McAvay (holding the back of his head): Ow!

Announcer Guy (v/o): Fred Sr’s half pound double decker Barbeque Bacon Burger …

[Dark begins to undo Stormy’s bikini top.]

Announcer Guy (v/o): Only at Fred Sr.’s Burger Cash Cow


[Fade to black.]

Benny Newell’s voice: AW, *BLEEP*-ING HELL!



Regressive Insurance Commercial

[Shot in black and white, the commercial starts out in an old fashioned kitchen right out of the 1950’s. Dawn McGill, wearing an arch-typical 1950’s red dress with white ruffles and sporting a 1950’s bouffant hair style, sits at the kitchen table with an antique adding machine to her right. She looks the part of the stereotypical happy suburban housewife, complete with big, pearly smile, as she sifts through the monthly bills.]

Announcer: The secret to a happy home in these modern times is a housewife who’s in control of the finances.

[McGill glances up and looks straight at the camera.]

Dawn McGill (in an extremely pleasant voice): Actually, any wife, husband, or human person could use Regressive Insurance’s ‘Set Your Own Price’ magic marker…

[Dawn holds up the giant, prop-like magic marker aka the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool.]

Dawn McGill: …to take control of their budget.

[Dawn slightly tilts her face and smiles.]

Announcer: And while the men do the hard work of making money…

[Close up on McGill as her facial expression changes. She looks slightly annoyed now.]

Announcer: …she can get all the car insurance options her little heart desires.

[No check that. She looks a little pissed off.]

Dawn McGill: Men do the hard work of making money? Really?

[Cut to the announcer guy- a walking, talking relic from the 1950’s.]

Announcer (smiling and scoffing): Women don’t have jobs making money.

[Cut back to Dawn. She looks at the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool. Then she looks at the announcer guy like a tiger eyeing its prey.

[Cut to the announcer guy.]

Announcer: Modernizing car insurance the-*WHACK*

[McGill cracks the announcer guy with the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool.]

Announcer: Owww. You hit me.

[Then Dawn takes a headlock and gauges the announcer’s forehead with the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool. Blood begins to flow from over his right eye.]

Announcer: Where’s your husband?”

Dawn McGill: Where’s my husband? I’ll show you where my husband is.

[Dawn takes announcer guy by the arm and flings him into the kitchen table. Then she goes to the cupboard and pulls out a skillet. No, not the newfangled skillets but the old fashioned iron skillet. McGill lifts the skillet and…]


[…brains the hell out of announcer guy with it.]

[The director of the commercial runs out.]

Director: Hey! You can’t-


[Fade to black.]



[Cut back to Thunderbolt and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Missouri Valley Wrestling hits the road again this weekend with a three show swing through Iowa starting Friday night at the Bridge View Center in Ottumwa, Iowa.   Eight o’clock bell time. Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens will be there as well as the rest of the Sports Entertainment Corporation in Ottumwa.

Rick Hall: Saturday night, a big show in Cedar Rapids, Iowa at the U.S. Cellular Center. Eight o’clock bell time. Men’s champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay. Women’s champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens. Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. The Kardoucheian Empire will all be on hand in Cedar Rapids this Saturday night.

Thunderbolt Smith: Sunday afternoon, MVW travels to Mason City, Iowa for an afternoon matinee show. Ray McAvay and all your favorite MVW stars will be there in Mason City. Here some more upcoming MVW shows.

November 25th – MVWA 79
– Municipal Auditorium / Kansas City, MO
December 1st – Pittsburg, KS
December 2nd – Wichita, KS
December 3rd – Dodge City, KS
December 6th – Miami, OK
December 8th – Joplin, MO
December 9th – Springfield, MO
December 10th – Bentonville, AR
December 16th – MVWA 80
– Hinkle Fieldhouse / Indianapolis, IN
January 8th – Shenandoah, IA
January 9th – Des Moines, IA
January 10th – Oskaloosa, IA



‘Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis, Rah, and Regina McGill

[Regina McGill paces back and forth in the dressing room. Sitting in front of her are Rah and the ‘Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis. Rah’s entourage (Happy Mango, Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy, Announcer Guy, and the BronzeBeach Suntan Bikini Girls) all wander around in the background.]

Regina McGill: Look. I admit it. I screwed up when I walked away from my sister Dawn. I screwed up when I joined up with the Sports Entertainment Corporation. I screwed up when I trusted Mr. McMann.

Halitosis: Damn right you did.

Regina McGill: I know that. But all I’m saying is tonight, we can make this all right again.

[She looks down and notices Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy below. He’s…you guessed it…scoping out her feet. Regina sighs.]

Regina McGill: Hands off, Bob.

[Now it Bob Nye’s turn to sigh.]

Regina McGill: Anyways. Rah. Halitosis. You guys can do this. You’ve wrestled before a huge crowd at 4CW’s Bad Company pay per view show. This is nothing.

Halitosis: But you’re not-

Rah: Dawn.

Regina McGill: I know, guys. I know I’m not Dawn. Man, you have no clue how hard it is to be her sister. You have no idea how hard it is to always be in her shadow. But I’m not Dawn McGill. I am Regina McGill. It’s time we make our own name…the right way. I’ve got your back. I will make sure that you have every opportunity to win this match tonight. Do you trust me?

[Rah and Halitosis glance at each other.]

Regina McGill: Guys. I will do everything in my power to make this right.

[Both men lean in and confer with each other.]

Regina McGill: But you have to trust me. Please?

[Finally, Rah stands up.]

Rah: Rah will give you a chance.

[Then Halitosis does the same.]

Halitosis: Me-

[Regina turns away to avoid Halitosis’s lethal breath.]

Regina McGill: Other way.

Halitosis: Sorry.

[Halitosis backs up.]

Halitosis: I’m in.

[Regina puts her hand out. Rah places his on top of Regina’s. Then Halitosis follows suit.]

Regina McGill: Let’s do this.


[Cut back to Thunderbolt and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Regina McGill trying to rally the Island of Misfit Wrestlers and maybe find a little redemption for herself.

Rick Hall: Regina has always been a fighter…a battler. She doesn’t give up…she doesn’t back down. But I don’t think she can elevate Rah and Halitosis enough to defeat the SEC tonight.

Thunderbolt Smith: We will see.

*”Turn Around” – Aaron Watson*

Thunderbolt Smith: Okay. Blair Moise is in the ring and she’ll be talking with the MVW Men’s Champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay in just a moment.

Backstage Interviewer Blair Moise

Young man on the side of the road.
Lost and beat up with nowhere to go.
Smells like a hangover from days ago,
but he does what he can to survive.

[McAvay, with the MVW Men’s title belt around his waist, rises from the Deplorables section along with West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy, both rocking the MVW Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys, and the rest of his group which includes General DeBauchery, resembling a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds. He’s sporting a black captain’s hat right out of World War II.]

Dark, ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay, Bert the Janitor, Stormy

Single mom with a dead end job.
90 hour week just to keep what she’s got.
But the bills add up and now she’s caught.
She does what she can to survive.

Well, let me say that love won’t take away the pain.
But don’t be afraid cause it will never walk away.

[Also in the section: Al Cahall- sporting his six pack abs…oh wait…that’s a six pack in front of his abs, Nic Koteen- who’s smoking which surely is violating some public ordinance somewhere, and finally, Bert the Janitor- who stares ‘funny’ at the camera holding up his mop in front of a black curtain drawn closed behind them.]

If you’re scared that you don’t matter.
If you’re lost and need to be found.
If you’re lookin’ for a savior.
All you gotta do is turn around.

{McAvay climbs into the ring and walks over to Blair.]

No one listens to you anymore.
Any your heart has broken down.
You don’t need to move.
Love has come to you.
All you gotta do is turn around.

[The music fades down.]

Blair Moise: Thanks Ray. First off, welcome and congratulation on your recent marriage to Stacee. I know you took last weekend off for your honeymoon but now you’re back. How does it feel to be married again?

Ray McAvay: Thank you. You know, I’m happy to be married again…

[The camera cuts quickly to Dark. On her left hand there’s a gold wedding band. Then cut back to Blair and Ray.]

Ray McAvay: …and that’s all I really want to say about the subject in deference to the fact that my ex-wife Dawn McGill is in the building tonight.

Blair Moise: Fair enough, Ray. The last time we saw you, you were in the ring with Charlie Blackwell at MVWA 78. You seemed to be a much different person in the ring that night than you normally are.

Ray McAvay: Well Blair, one…I wanted to come out and put on a better performance for the fans than I did at MVWA 77.

[Blair nods as Ray talks.]

Ray McAvay: Two…regardless of my marital status I still feel a sense of loyalty to Dawn. She is the mother of my twins you know…and I felt that I needed to respond to what Charlie did to her earlier in the show.

Blair Moise: When he cost her the match against Khris Kardoucheian.

Ray McAvay: When he cost Dawn the match against Kardoucheian…right. Three…it goes back to the concept of pro wrestling versus sports entertainment and I was standing up for pro wrestling as a sport versus the vision of sports entertainment that Mr. McMann continues to push.

Blair Moise: So, it was a perfect storm of events that came together.

Ray McAvay: Yeah…pretty much. I wanted to make a point at MVWA 78. So, that’s what I did.

Blair Moise: So, were you surprised that McMann chose to send the cavalry down?

Ray McAvay: I’m not surprised by anything Mr. McMann does. I put a good whuppin’ on Charlie. McMann decided he’d seen enough.

Blair Moise: Any thoughts on Dawn McGill in the SEC?

[Ray shakes his head.]

Ray McAvay: As I said, I’m not surprised by what McMann tries to do.

Blair Moise: Real quick. You will be facing Scott Stevens, Kirsta Lewis, and Chris Kostoff at the John Pariah Tribute show.

Ray McAvay: Yes. I am looking forward to participating at the show. It’s an incredible card bringing together the PWX and Redefine wrestlers with the likes of Pat Gordon, Jr., Julliet Brooks and the HOW stars. It’s going to be a great night of pro wrestling and I am honored to be a part of it.

Blair Moise: Thanks Ray.

[Blair hands the microphone off to ring announcer Kimber Marshall.]

Kimber Marshall: Our next match is a non-title match with a one fall…

Audience: ONE FALL!

Kimber Marshall: …fifteen minute time limit.

[The video screen comes alive…]

[It’s 1946 in the Scottish Highlands.]

[On the hill of Craigh na Dun, British nurse Blaire Rendell hears the tell-tale buzzing sound as she approaches the standing stones. This makes her very happy.]

Blaire Rendell (Scottish accent): Soon, I’ll be back with my true love Jamie and I will be truly happy once again in eighteen century Scotland.

[Blaire goes to the standing stones where the buzzing sound gets louder and louder. Soon she faints and falls to the ground. When she wakes up…]

[A spotlight shines on her lying on the stage.

Blaire Rendell: JAMIE!

[Blaire sits up looks around.]

Blaire Rendell: JAMIE? JAM-

Voice (Canadian dialect): There you are.

[Blaire becomes aware that she’s on stage with Jack Frasier.]

Blaire Rendell: Oh *BLEEP*.

[Frasier observes as Blaire balls her fists at her sides and jumps up and down in frustration.]

Blaire Rendell: Son of a bitch! Not again.

Jack Frasier: It’s about time you got here, eh?

[Blaire sighs and looks generally disgusted by the whole situation.]

Blaire Rendell: Oh…whatever. I need something to drink.

*”Runnin’ Back to Saskatoon”- The Guess Who*

[Frasier reaches into his bag and hands her a Molson. Blaire rips the can out of his hand, opens it up, and chugs it down.]

Kimber Marshall: Accompanied by his Ooot-lander Blaire Rendell. From Saskatoon, Sasketchewan. The Man with a Molson…JACK…FRAYYYYYYY-ZERRRRRRR!

I been hangin’ around gas stations
I been learnin’ ’bout tires
I been talkin’ to grease monkeys
I been workin’ on cars

[Frasier and Blaire walk towards the ring. Jack seems happy. Blaire’s arms are folded and she appears a little grumpy.]

Moose Jaw, Broadview, Moosomin too
Runnin’ back to Saskatoon
Red Deer, Terrace, Hanna, Medicine Hat
Sing another prairie tune
Sing another prairie tune

[Frasier assists Rendell into the ring and then starts to warm up.]

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent…accompanied by his Deplorables…the Missouri Valley Wrestling Men’s Champion…’TIN CUP’ RAY…MACK-A-VAYYYYYYYYYYY!

[McAvay raises his hands to the fans.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Non-title match. ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay taking on Jack Frasier. Can the Canadian pull off the big upset?

Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, Jack Frasier hasn’t made too much of a mark on MVW. But he’s not an automatic win for that matter either. And you never know just what his Oootlander is going to do.



Men’s Champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay
Jack Frasier

Referee: Brent Payson


[Payson does the obligatory check on both wrestlers and calls for the bell.]


[McAvay and Frasier meet in the middle of the ring. Collar and elbow tie up. Both men jockey for position. McAvay with a side headlock. Snap mare takedown right into a chinlock. Frasier tries to roll right and then left. Then he realizes the rope is right there and grabs the middle one. Payson calls for the break.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Fairly non-descript opening of the match.

Rick Hall: I don’t think McAvay is going to try to inflict the same amount of punishment he did to Charlie Blackwell. But he needs to stay focused on the task.

Thunderbolt Smith: Ray does get a little off focus sometimes.

[Case in point, Frasier lurches forward and throws a left to the midsection. Then he goes upstairs to the jaw spinning McAvay around. The Men’s champion rests on the top rope. Frasier wades in and catches a McAvay elbow in the sternum. Headbutt follows by McAvay and decks Frasier to the mat. But the Canadian gets right back to his knees and drives his shoulder into McAvay’s midsection. He does it a second time and backs him up.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Frasier and McAvay trading the momentum back and forth.

[McAvay comes back with a right hand. Frasier fires back with one of his own. Frasier whips McAvay into his corner. Oootlander Blaire Rendell is right there. She bops McAvay in the head with her empty Molson beer can.   McAvay spins around. Rendell hops right off the ring apron to the floor. McAvay then gets smashed into the corner turnbuckle by Frasier.]

Rick Hall: Ray wasn’t expecting that.

Thunderbolt Smith: Blaire Rendell improvises on the fly-

Rick Hall: Frasier goes for the win!

[Roll up by Frasier. Payson for the count.]


[McAvay shoots the shoulder up. Payson holds up one finger.]

Audience: ONE!

[McAvay comes back with a right hand.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay with the easy escape and then he fires back.

[Then he rams Frasier’s head on the corner turnbuckle. McAvay grab the arm and goes to whip him across the ring. Frasier reverses and flings McAvay into the corner. McAvay comes back out. Frasier hip tosses McAvay to the mat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Ray is just a little bit sluggish tonight.

Rick Hall: He’s about a half a step behind tonight and Frasier looks to take advantage.

[Boot to the midsection by Frasier. Left by Frasier. Then a right. And another right.   Frasier sends McAvay across the ring into the ropes. He follows him and back body drops the champion on the return. Frasier covers.]



[McAvay kicks out. Payson holds up two fingers.]

Audience: TWO!

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay kicks out again.

[McAvay sits up and low blows Frasier.]

Rick Hall: And takes a short-cut.

[He whips Frasier to the ropes. Frasier ducks the clothesline on his way past through and runs the ropes on the other side. Frasier tries for a high crossbody. McAvay sidesteps and Frasier lands with a splat.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Frasier telegraphed the high crossbody and McAvay moved out of the way.

[McAvay hooks a leg.]



[Frasier kicks out.]

Audience: TWO!

[The crowd roars when Dark and Stormy climb up onto the ring apron and start unbuttoning their official MVW/Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And here we go…

Rick Hall: Ray’s not waiting too long to bring in the big guns.

Thunderbolt Smith: That’s one way to put it.

[Referee Payson becomes distracted by the ring apron striptease by the West Texas Adult Entertainment legends which allows Bert the Janitor to sneak with the Big Bertha Driver. But before he can deliver the club to McAvay, a second roar erupts from the audience.]

Charlie Blackwell

Thunderbolt Smith: And here comes Charlie Blackwell!

[Blackwell runs to the ring. He shoves Bert the Janitor down…grabs the Big Bertha driver…and slides through the ropes. Dark and Stormy direct Payson’s attention back to the ring and the referee sees Blackwell clubbing McAvay in the back with the driver. Payson immediately disqualifies Frasier and calls for the bell.]


Thunderbolt Smith: Frasier ends up disqualified as a result of Blackwell running in and gives McAvay the win.

Rick Hall: Unfortunate for Frasier. Ironic for McAvay seeing he was about to use the Big Bertha driver himself.

[After throwing the driver down on the mat next to McAvay, Blackwell grabs a microphone from ring announcer Kimber Marshall before she can announce the winner.]

Charlie Blackwell: Consider that my congratulations for our match two weeks ago. I’m man enough to admit that you kicked my ass.

[Blackwell mock claps.]

Charlie Blackwell: But while you won that battle, Ray…I helped the SEC win the war. Dawn McGill is part of the SEC now. I told you that once you walked away from Dawn that you had no right to stick your nose into her business. But that’s exactly what you kept doing. So congratulations for winning the match at MVWA 78. But when we meet again at MVWA 79…and Mr. McMann says we are going to meet again at MVWA 79…you won’t have the emotion of coming to Dawn McGill’s defense any more. That’s right. When you and I face each other again at MVWA 79…

[A spotlight illuminates the entrance area. Once again, ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, SEC Mouthpiece Phil Finebaum, Charlie Blackwell, the new MVW Tag Team Champions P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver with his valets ‘Young Hollywood’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt, and MVW Women’s Champion Lisa Barbosa-Stevens appear. This time, there’s one more person with them…]

Dawn McGill

[…Dawn McGill.  That is…post Sports Entertainment makeover Dawn McGill.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And there she is. Dawn McGill…part of the SEC.

Rick Hall: New hairstyle and everything.

[McGill does not look the least bit comfortable. She stands in her ridiculously high heel shoes that make her legs look even longer than they already. Dawn’s arms are folded in front of her red lace outfit she’s wearing. She looks away and does not make eye contact with McAvay.]

Charlie Blackwell: …Dawn McGill will be in MY corner as part of the elite group she should have been with from the beginning…the S-E-C.



Thunderbolt Smith: Well. The CEO of Missouri Valley Wrestling Jill Berg is coming to the ring and I’m guessing she’s going to confirm that Charlie Blackwell is going to face Ray McAvay again at MVWA 79.

[The door to Jill Berg’s office opens a few seconds later. Sixteen large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman smartly dressed in corporate attire and her male assistant, Jerry. The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes.]


[The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. Jerry has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.]



[Two of the bodyguards use a fire extinguisher to create a fog like effect as Jill walks through. Two others hold sparklers up in the air as she passes by.]



[The group continues towards the ring.]



Kimber Marshall: From the financial district of New York City. She is the corporate predator, the CEO of MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING! She is the phenomenon known as JIIIIIIILLLL- BERRRRRRRG!

[Jill is helped into the ring by her escorts. Kimber hands her the microphone and Jill goes right over to McMann.]

Jill Berg: I think you need to remember that while you are the official booker slash matchmaker for MVW…I have the final and ultimate say.

[Berg whirls around and goes over to Blackwell.]

Jill Berg: Charlie. You’ve got your match at MVWA 79 against Ray McAvay. But let me warn you right now…this is it. You better take full advantage of this opportunity because if you do not defeat Ray at MVWA 79, you ain’t getting another title shot for a while. You can go back into the muck and fight your way back up to the top. You got it, Charlie?

[Charlie nods.]

Jill Berg: Good.

[Jill turns to the audience.]

Jill Berg: So with that in mind, let me formally announce that Charlie Blackwell of the SEC will challenge MVW Men’s champion ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay for his title at MVWA 79.

Thunderbolt Smith: There you go. McAvay versus Blackwell Three!

Rick Hall: But Charlie must win this one because if he doesn’t win the title this time, he’ll go back to the bottom of the list and have to work his way back up.

Thunderbolt Smith: We’ll have the main event coming up right after these messages.,



*BLEEP*-ing with McGill

A package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of the picture with a shot of a lake surrounded by trees in the background.

Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky presents *BLEEP*-ing with McGill.

Scene: Four college students- two male, two female are enjoying a day at the lake. They’ve just come out of the water and are toweling off.

Boy #1: The water’s great, bro.

Girl #1: It was so fun.”

Boy #2: It was awesome.

They see a figure wander in and it gets everyone’s attention.

It’s Dawn McGill out for a morning run. Dressed in running shorts and a tank top, she stops at the lake’s edge to splash some water on her face.

The four college students watch. A girl with reddish hair snacks on some Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky. She suddenly gets an idea and devilishly grins. She looks at the yellow towel on the tall boy standing next to her and gives him the ‘look.’

The boy gets the gist of it and puts his finger to his lips to shush the others. Then he sneaks down and rolls up the wet towel. The other three titter and snicker while waiting in great anticipation as he sneaks up behind Dawn. The boy pauses, sets himself, and snaps her in the ass with the wet towel.

Dawn McGill (laconically): Seriously?

The boy turns back to the others and they all get a big laugh out of it. Well, at least until McGill stands up and kicks him the groin from behind.

Girl #1: Oh?

Then McGill spins him around, puts his head between her legs, lifts, and McGill-Bombs him to the ground.

The other three students look on in shock and McGill stares right at them and simply says…

Dawn McGill: Boo.

*Mass screaming and hysteria*

The three students trip all over themselves trying to run away.

Final scene: a package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky superimposed over the college student writhing in pain on the ground after being McGill-Bombed.

Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesome Beef Jerky. Feed your irrationally foolish side.



[Cut back to Thunderbolt and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Missouri Valley Wrestling hits the road again this weekend.

November 17th – Ottumwa, IA
November 18th – Cedar Rapids, IA
November 19th – Mason City, IA
November 25th – MVWA 79
– Municipal Auditorium / Kansas City, MO
December 1st – Pittsburg, KS
December 2nd – Wichita, KS
December 3rd – Dodge City, KS
December 6th – Miami, OK
December 8th – Joplin, MO
December 9th – Springfield, MO
December 10th – Bentonville, AR
December 16th – MVWA 80
– Hinkle Fieldhouse / Indianapolis, IN
January 8th – Shenandoah, IA
January 9th – Des Moines, IA
January 10th – Oskaloosa, IA



[Blair Moise is backstage in Halitosis’s dressing while he prepares for main event…and making his toxic stew. Note that Blair is way across the room from Halitosis.]

Blair Moise: Blair Moise here with Halitosis.

‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis

[The camera pans over to Halitosis who’s mixing up garlic, jalapenos, green peppers, banana peppers, and curry powder with tuna and fish, Brie, Roquefort, Epoisses, and some bleu cheese and Stilton in an industrial sized blender.]

Blair Moise: What the hell is that stuff?

[Zooming in on more cheese that Halitosis is meticulously placing inside the blender.]

Halitosis: That’s Stinking Bishop cheese- an English delicacy. The odor comes from the rind and can be charitably described as smelling like a pile of sweaty gym clothes. And then there’s the granddaddy of stinky cheese. Limburger. The smelliest cheese from Germany. Did you know that limburger is made using Brevibacterium linens? It’s the same bacterium that gives your feet and armpits their natural air.

Blair Moise: Yeah. I’m staying right over here.

[Halitosis jams in the final piece of his radioactive nuclear concoction full of extra paint peeling, eye-watering, mind blowing fragrance of rotting reekiness.]

Halitosis: That’s probably a good idea. I heard it took Gabriel Hartman of 4CW a couple weeks to completely recover from the time he took a full whiff of this.

Blair Moise: A quick question because I’ve got to evacuate myself from this room, Regina McGill is going to be in your corner tonight. How much does that change the dynamics of your tag team partnership with Rah?

[Halitosis turns the industrial sized blender and churns up the contents inside.]

Halitosis: Regina brings a different element to our team. Dawn worked us hard in the pre-match preparation. Regina is more inspirational. She’s more of a worker bee who tries to work with us as an equal.

Blair Moise: It helps that she has a huge axe to grind with the SEC.

Halitosis: Yes. It doesn’t hurt that she’s extremely motivated. And she’s tried really hard to project that onto Rah and myself.

[The blender is turned off. Halitosis removes the top…tips his head back…and guzzles down the content.]

[Close up on Blair. Her hand covers her mouth and she bolts for the door.]

Blair Moise: Okay…gotta go…thank you!


[Cut back to Thunderbolt and Hall.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Thank you Blair. Let’s go right to Kimber Marshall for the introductions.

[Cut to Kimber in the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: Our main event tonight is a non-title match with a one fall…


Kimber Marshall: …with a twenty minute time limit. Introducing first…managed by Regina McGill…

[Regina McGill comes out and walks towards the ring. Next, a lucha wrestler walks out on the ramp.  He is dressed in all black with a giant ‘H’ on the front of his shirt.  He also has a strange greenish haze emitting from his mouth.]

Kimber Marshall: …hailing from the Island of Misfit Wrestlers and weighing in tonight at one hundred seventy pounds.  He is the ‘Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene.’  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you- HALITOSIS!

[Halitosis pumps his first in the air and then starts down the ramp towards the ring.  He slap people’s hands along the way and then says hello to a young fan in the front row- the fan promptly collapses when he get a whiff of his breath.]

[Halitosis then moves on to the next one.  He says hello.  The fan gets a blast of his breath and falls to the ground.]

[He continues on to greet the fans along the way- oblivious to the carnage he leaves behind.]

[Halitosis reaches the ring area and continues to greet people around the front row.  Again, they all pass out once they get downwind of his breath and soon, the scene looks like a set of dominos falling over as she goes around the perimeter.  He climbs up on the ring apron and leaps over the top rope into the ring.]

[He goes to shake Kimber’s hand but the ring announcer bolts for the other side of the ring and tries to keep a safe distance away.  Shrugging his shoulders, Halitosis looks out over the ropes and raises his arms in the air.]

Kimber Marshall: And his partner, from-

[She’s interrupted by a man dressed in an expensive suit and bow-tie who’s just climbed into the ring.  He elbows Kimber out of the way and gestures for her to take a temporary powder because he’s the one who’s been given the honor and privilege of introducing a living deity.]

Kimber Marshall: Whatever.

Announcer Guy: Hit it!

[Over the loudspeaker, a buzzing synth sound blares and the announcer guy raises the microphone to his mouth.]

Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 33 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

[He pauses and looks out at the crowd as the lights turn off.  A small spotlight illuminates the ramp where the BeachBronze Suntan Bikini Girls are standing.]

[The bikini girls pose on the ramp.  Then two large, hulking men carry out a golden sedan chair holding a six foot eight inch, two hundred and eighty pound man dressed in long flowing robes inside.]

Announcer Guy: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason it’s eighty degrees outside and not minus four hundred and fifty-nine point six seven…and the reason Brian Wilson wrote all those great songs…ladies and gentlemen…bow down before the Sunshine God…

[Rah’s friend and middle-aged folk singer Happy Mango follows strumming a guitar.]


[The procession stops at the ring steps. Rah climbs out of his golden sedan chair and prepares to climb into the ring. Kimber goes over and snatches the microphone back.]

Kimber Marshall: And their opponents…they are the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Champions!

[Kimber’s announcement heralds the arrival of the once Six Foot Tall Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt now turned official Sports Entertainment Corporation eye candy- Dawn McGill. She is escorted down to the ring by ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and is not the least bit happy about it. Her heels are outrageously high and McGill has trouble walking to the ring on them.]

Kimber Marshall: Led to the ring by the SEC’s official valet…’Divalicious’ Dawn McGill and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann…

[Slinking down to the ring in a red, lacey one piece outfit that just barely covered her breasts and went down to mid-thigh level, copious makeup on her face, teased platinum hair right out of the 1980’s, and bright red lipstick on her lips, McGill rolls her eyes at the sound of her nickname ‘Divalicious’.]

Kimber Marshall: …and accompanied by ‘Young Hollywood’s’ Miley Vyrus and ‘Country…er…Pop Songstress’ Taylor Switt…

[Vyrus appears in the entrance twerking to her little heart’s content. Switt walks out with her guitar that’s leaking a white powder from inside because someone overfilled it.]

Kimber Marshall: …from the Financial District of New York City, New York…he is P…M…C…BANKS!

[Banks comes out and poses with Vyrus and Switt.]

Kimber Marshall: And from Hollywood, California…he is the Canadian Bad Boy…JUSTIN BEEEEEEEE-VERRRRRR! They are the Sports Entertainment Corporation.

[The Canadian Bad Boy joins the others. Then they start down to the ring.]

Kimber Marshall: THE…Ssssssss…Eeeeeeeee…Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thunderbolt Smith: The SEC versus the former tag team champions the Island of Misfit Wrestlers.

[Banks and Beaver climb into the ring. Vyrus and Switt join McMann and McGill at ringside.]

Rick Hall: Banks and Beaver have developed some cohesion as a tag team and they’re only going to get better. They’re well financed and have a strong support system behind them. Rah and Halitosis took a hard hit when Dawn McGill was shanghaied into the SEC and the two matches they wrestled with her proved it. Can Regina McGill get them back on track though?

Thunderbolt Smith: We’re going to find out now. Davey Keels is your referee and he’s calling for the bell.



The Sports Entertainment Corporation: P.M.C. Banks and ‘Canadian Bad Boy’ Justin Beaver ©
The Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and the ‘Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis

Referee: Davey Keels


[Banks starts out for the SEC. Halitosis for the Island of Misfit Wrestlers.]


[Banks and Halitosis circle each other.]

Rick Hall: At MVWA 78, Rah and Halitosis never got out of the starting gate. If they can get off to a good start tonight…rebuild their confidence behind the tutelage of Regina McGill…maybe they can pull this off.

[Regina is on the ring apron clapping her hands and shouting out encouragement to Halitosis. Banks and Halitosis come together. Collar and elbow tie right into a side headlock by Banks. Halitosis reverses into an arm wringer and then a wristlock.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Fast paced action at the outset.

[Now Banks reverses into his own wristlock. Halitosis tries to flip out of it but Banks holds on. Halitosis spins around…grabs Banks arm and slaps on the wrist lock again. Banks stomps on Halitosis’s foot and takes a side headlock. Halitosis lets the momentum take him to the ropes and uses them to send Banks across the ring. Halitosis hits the deck. Banks steps over…spins around…shoots the leg out for a sidekick. Halitosis catches the foot…spins Banks around…and puts a boot to the midsection.]

Rick Hall: Both Banks and Halitosis working crisply and clean.

[Halitosis loops his arm under and up around Banks’s head and heads to the corner turnbuckle. He runs up the turnbuckle and flips backward…Banks catches him and sets him up for a piledriver…Halitosis kicks his legs and slips out the back door. Both men on their feet.]

Thunderbolt Smith: So far…so good. Halitosis and Banks exchanging moves and reversals.

Rick Hall: Halitosis looks a lot more composed than he was at MVWA 78…matching Banks move for move early on.

[Banks goes up to Halitosis and butts heads. Halitosis lets loose his lethal breath and Banks wilts…falls to his knees.]

Thunderbolt Smith: BREATH OF DEATH!

Rick Hall: BIG mistake by Banks. What was he thinking, Thunderbolt!

Thunderbolt Smith: I have no clue, Rick.

[Banks places his hands around his throat and tries to breathe.]

Rick Hall: Not smart at all. Banks got too cocky and he walked right into Halitosis’s wheelhouse.

Thunderbolt Smith: And Halitosis loaded up on the stink before tonight’s match.

[Halitosis steps back and spins around.]


Thunderbolt Smith: SPINNING HEEL KICK!

[Banks’s head snaps to the right. Then he falls to the mat. Halitosis covers.]


[Two-…Beaver makes the save from the outside. Keels calls out ‘two.’]


Thunderbolt Smith: That was it but Justin Beaver makes the save!

Rick Hall: Beaver jumped from the top turnbuckle and crashed down on Halitosis before Davey Keels could finish the count.

[Keels tells Beaver to leave. Halitosis back up and pulls Banks towards their corner per Regina McGill’s instructions. He then climbs up to the top turnbuckle. Halitosis leaps backwards but flips forward landing on his ass on top of Banks.]


Rick Hall: This is unbelievable! One huge mistake may have cost the SEC this match.

[Quick cut to Dawn McGill at ringside. She has a wry smile on her face. Next to her is Mr. McMann. He doesn’t have a smile on his face.]

[Halitosis dives down and hooks the leg. Keels slides in.]



[Banks gets the shoulder up. Keels holds up two fingers.]


Thunderbolt Smith: Banks with enough left to get that shoulder up.

Rick Hall: But he needs to tag out and regroup.

[Halitosis tags Rah in.]

Thunderbolt Smith: And now it gets worse. Here comes the big guy!

Rick Hall: Rah’s in the ring for one reason, Thunderbolt…to finish off Banks.

[Rah pulls one half of the tag team champions up and wraps his hand around Banks’s neck and lifts him into the air. Rah then slams him back first to the mat.

Thunderbolt Smith: SOLSTICE SLAM!

[Banks lies on the mat unconscious.]

Rick Hall: He’s out, Thunderbolt.

[Regina shouts out to Rah to finish it. Rah then pulls Banks back up and places his head in between his legs. Rah raises his hand in the air and signals it time to sacrifice Banks to the Temple of the Sunshine God.  He checks first with his faithful worshipers- the BronzeBeach Suntan Bikini Girls. They give him the okay. Then Rah glances over at Regina McGill. Regina nods her head.]

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s coming!

[Finally, Rah looks over at Dawn McGill. After making sure no one’s looking, McGill winks at Rah. Then Rah lifts Banks into the air and flips him over to where his back is parallel to the mat.  Then the Sunshine God unleashes his wrath and tries to drive Banks through the canvas with a jackknife powerbomb.]

Thunderbolt Smith: EYE OF RAHHHHHHHHHHH!

[But before Rah can make the cover, Charlie Blackwell rolls into the ring with a chair.]


Thunderbolt Smith: BLACKWELL WITH A CHAIR!

[Keels immediately calls for the bell…]

Thunderbolt Smith: The SEC is going to be disqualified…Davey Keels called for the bell…

[…then Blackwell turns and blasts Keels with the chair.]

Thunderbolt Smith: DAVEY KEELS DOWN!

[Halitosis jumps from the top turnbuckle and drives a foot into Blackwell’s midsection.]


Rick Hall: It’s all breaking down!

[Beaver in the ring. He matches up with Rah. Halitosis lays the boots to Banks. And then…]

Thunderbolt Smith: IT’S RAY McAVAY!

[McAvay races down to the ring. He passes by Dawn McGill who does NOT move a single muscle to try and stop him. McAvay rolls into the ring and attacks Blackwell.]

Thunderbolt Smith: McAvay is going after Blackwell. And wait! There’s more!

Rick Hall: That’s Tessa Martin!

[With her Oversized Pizza Box of Doom in her hand, ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin runs down to the ring. She also passes by Dawn McGill…again Dawn makes no attempt to stop her…and heads right for Taylor Switt.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dawn McGill just let them go by.

Rick Hall: Well for starters, she can hardly move in those heels, Thunderbolt.

Thunderbolt Smith: Well, yeah.

[Switt raises her guitar causing white powder to stream out from inside.]

[Miley Vyrus goes to help Switt but she’s suddenly tackled by Regina McGill…who also ran past Dawn McGill without any problem.]

Thunderbolt Smith: Dawn let Regina pass through!

Rick Hall: Yeah, Dawn’s not a security guard…she’s a security monitor.

[Regina mounts Vyrus on the floor and starts whaling away at her.]

Thunderbolt Smith: It’s just chaos now.

[McAvay and Blackwell roll around in the ring brawling. Rah destroys Justin Beaver with the Eye of Rahhhhh! Halitosis unleashes his breath again on Banks.]

[Switt swings the guitar at Tess and misses. Tess then piefaces Switt with the oversized pizza box. Switt drops the guitar. Tess picks the musical instrument up and…]


[The guitar explodes upon impact and white powder flies out in every direction. Switt crumples to the floor. Regina pulls Vyrus up and holds her in place. Tess takes the oversized pizza box and piefaces Vyrus as well. She’s down. Regina and Tess high five. And then they turn towards Mr. McMann.]

[Cut to McMann. He mouths ‘oh, oh.’]

Thunderbolt Smith: Mr. McMann’s worst nightmare coming to pass. You know the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Regina McGill…

Rick Hall: Unceremoniously dumped from the SEC.

Thunderbolt Smith: …unceremoniously dumped from the SEC by Mr. McMann…want nothing more than to get their hands on the Sports Entertainment Genius.

[Tess and Regina step closer.]

Mr. McMann: DAWN! HELP!

[Close up on Dawn. She’s checking her makeup with a compact.]

Mr. McMann: DAWN. COME ON!

[Dawn slowly turns to Mr. McMann.]

Dawn McGill: You told me I wasn’t to slip out of character in order to get involved in the matches. You told me my one and only job was to be the SEC’s eye candy character…and that’s what I’m doing!

[McMann’s jaw drops.]

Thunderbolt Smith: He’s screwed.

Rick Hall: Yep.


[Tess piefaces McMann with the Oversized Pizza Box of Doom. McMann staggers. Regina steps forward and kicks him in the balls causing him to bend over. Then both Regina and Tess reach around his neck and drop to the floor.]

Thunderbolt Smith: DOUBLE PIZZA CUTTER!

[The camera pulls back. McAvay and Blackwell continue to brawl in the ring. Rah and Halitosis stand over their fallen foes Banks and Beaver. Vyrus is down. Switt is down. Tess and Regina high five over Mr. McMann.]

Thunderbolt Smith: That’s going to do it. Next week, we’ve got a big Television Title defense by ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson versus Bo Stevens and Yosemite Samantha faces Tessa Martin for a shot at the MVW Women’s title at MVWA 79. He’s Rick Hall. I’m Thunderbolt Smith. Good night everyone.

[Final close up on Dawn McGill. She’s filing her fingernails and rolling her eyes as the show comes to an end.]


About Art Nouveaux

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