Saturday November 28th, 2015
Announcers: Johnny Suave and Dawn McGill
[SHOW OPEN: Montage
Lani Harlot bends both of Amy Mason legs up and tucks her ankles against her armpits and sits down. She then reaches over and grabs Amy’s chin and pulls back…aka The White Trash Compactor.
Carrieanne McDermott grabs Terry Sargent by the head and head butts her in the nose.
Ninja Kitty hits a 450 splash off the top turnbuckle.
‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan hits the Canadian Destroyer on Chondra Wells and flips Chondra over landing in a seated position and driving Wells’s head down to the mat between her thighs.
Former host of ‘Shot at Scoring with a Skanky Video Channel Reality Star’ Mia Margarita is tied up in the tree of woe. Regina McGill goes to the opposite corner…takes off running and hits a flying drop kick. Mia’s feet come off the corner and she slides to the mat.
Harley Davisson has Wendi Bayless of the SEC in a front facelock. Carrieanne McDermott has Brandi Bayless in the Indian Deathlock. Kari Ferguson runs down to the ring with a make up kit and throws powder in McDermott’s eyes, blinding her.
Jill Berg Enterprises (Angels of Death, Mia Margarita, and Hallie Burton) file their way to the ring. ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris, seeing the JBE reinforcements, goes to the top turnbuckle and bowls into all four of them with a wild suicide dive.
Kathryn Randall Collins puts her legs around Dr. Annabel ‘From Hannibal’ Lecker’s back and then slips one foot around Dr. Lecker’s head and under her chin. She locks her hands behind Dr. Lecker’s head and chokes her by pressing her shin against the trachea. Dr. Lecker looks over to Charlize Starling…she’s contently leaning over the top rope and totally relaxed while Melissa continues to massage her back. Finally, Dr. Lecker has no other choice- she taps out.
‘Queen Cool Leah Iris slowly gets up. Jill Berg snaps off a spinning heel kick…bingo! Leah falls forward to her knees. Jill launches herself forward and buries her shoulder into Leah’s stomach. The crowd rises. Jill pulls Leah up and sets her up over her shoulder…and slams her to the mat.
Jill Berg glowers over her opponent Lady Halitosis and starts talking to her. Lady Halitosis pops her head up and breathes right in the champion’s face. Jill immediately keels backwards to a sitting position.]
Johnny Suave (voiceover): WELCOME TO MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING!
[CLOSE UP camera shot of the cheering crowd]
Suave (v/o): Welcome to MVWA 67 on Heartland Television!
[CLOSE UP-Johnny Suave and Dawn McGill at the broadcast desk. Suave has brown hair and goatee and wears a black suit jacket with a white shirt. McGill has a set of headphones over her medium length blond hair and a simple black blouse/mini-skirt combination. Dawn’s now well into her fifth month of pregnancy and looks heavier. Her face is a little rounder.]
Suave: I am Johnny Suave. She is the former High Octane Wrestling LSD champion Dawn McGill.
[Dawn smiles and waves at the camera.]
Suave: Tonight, if you feel a sense of déjà vu, you would be right to do so. Two matches on tonight’s card and both are rematches from the MVWA 66 show three weeks ago. In the opener, the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team title is on the line again as the champions, ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas defend their belts against the Kentucky Deerhunters. Last month, their match came to a controversial end when Tessa Martin smacked Kellyanne Morris of the Deerhunters in the face with her oversized pizza box of doom and referee Ron Martin disqualified the champions. Tonight, there’s no disqualification.
McGill: In that type of atmosphere, I feel Tess and Haley are going to have their hands full tonight. The Deerhunters grew up in the backwoods of Kentucky and they can play rough with the best of them.
Suave: And then our main event tonight is another rematch as MVW Champion Lady Halitosis defends her title against Kathryn Randall Collins. Three weeks ago, KRC delivered a good old fashioned mat wrestling lesson to the champion only to have the Green World Order invade the ring and cause the match to be thrown out by referee Davey Keels.
McGill: And to make matters worse, Lady Halitosis announced her affiliation with the GWO when she used her lethal breath to knock out KRC and joined in with them in a post-match beatdown.
Suave: So when you thought that the GWO was in big trouble, they get a boost from the addition of the MVW champion.
McGill: And as I said earlier this month, this is pro wrestling- NOTHING surprises me anymore.
Shot in black and white, the commercial starts out in an old fashioned kitchen right out of the 1950’s. Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Dawn McGill, over four months pregnant, sits at the kitchen table with an antique adding machine to her right. She looks the part of the stereotypical happy suburban housewife as she’s dressed in all white, complete with big, pearly smile, as she sifts through the monthly bills.
Announcer (voiceover): The secret to a happy home in these modern times is a housewife who’s in control of the finances.
McGill glances up and looks straight at the camera.
McGill: Actually, any wife, husband, or human person could use Progressive’s ‘Name Your Price’ tool (Dawn holds up the gun-like prop aka the ‘Name Your Price’ tool) to take control of their budget.
Dawn slightly tilts her face and smiles.
Announcer (v/o): And while the men do the hard work of making money…
Close up on McGill as her facial expression changes. She looks slightly annoyed now.
Announcer (v/o):…she can get all the car insurance options her little heart desires.
No check that. She looks a little pissed off.
McGill: Men do the hard work of making money? Really?
Cut to the announcer guy- a walking, talking relic from the 1950’s.
Announcer (smiling and scoffing): Women don’t have jobs making money.
Cut back to Dawn. She looks at the ‘Name Your Price’ tool. Then she looks at the announcer guy like a tiger eyeing its prey.
Cut to the announcer guy.
Announcer: Modernizing car insurance the-*WHACK*
McGill cracks the announcer guy with the ‘Name Your Price’ tool.
Announcer: Owww. You hit me.
Then Dawn takes a headlock and gauges the announcer’s forehead with the ‘Name Your Price’ tool. Blood begins to flow from over his right eye.
Announcer: Where’s your husband?”
McGill: Where’s my husband? I’ll show you where my husband is.
Dawn takes announcer guy by the arm and flings him into the kitchen table. Then she goes to the cupboard and pulls out a skillet. No, not the cheaply constructed, newfangled skillets but the old fashioned iron skillet. Despite being four plus months pregnant, she easily lifts the skillet and…
…brains the hell out of announcer guy with it.
The director of the commercial runs out.
Director: Hey! You can’t-
Dawn doesn’t hesitate and gives the director an iron skillet facial. The director recoils back and screws himself into the floor.
Ray McAvay’s voice: What the hell is-
Fade to black.
McGill’s voice: Um…*BLEEP*. Sorry Ray.
The first half an hour of the show recaps and shows highlights from the undercard earlier in the evening:
‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot kicks off the night with a win over Gwen Varney.
Americana (Colleen America/Kristie Lowe) defeat the Egos (Da’un Henley/Gwen Frey)
‘International High Flying Flight Attendant’ Airline Amie/Hannah Lancer vs. Spiders and Snakes (Anna Conda/Natasha ‘The Black Widow’ Littell)- 20 minute time limit draw
Code Pink of the Green World Order defeated Elaine Brazier
MATCHES TAPED FOR MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING’S SYNDICATED WEEKLY SHOW:
-Missouri Valley Fight Club (Carrieanne McDermott/Harley Davisson) defeat the Mercenaries (Svetlana Kovaleski/Regina McGill)
-HEARTLAND TITLE MATCH: Ninja Kitty © defeated Kirsten Canfield
-TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris defeated Daisy Cutter-Bomb
It’s a Carl’s Junior commercial and you know what that means.
The spot starts as Dark and Stormy, Ray McAvay’s valets and wearing the official ‘Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work.’ t-shirts (in white) and Daisy Duke Shorts, stand in McAvay’s corner during a match.
Dawn McGill and Johnny Suave sit at the broadcast table and are commentating on the match as both ladies pull out a Carl’s Jr’s half pound Western Bacon Thickburger and begin to eat in a most sensuous stimulating way.
Dawn McGill: McAvay with the sidewalk slam. What a move…right Johnny? Johnny?
McGill notices that Johnny is otherwise occupied at the moment.
Dawn McGill: Johnny?
Why? Because Johnny’s not watching the action inside the ring. He’s watching the action outside the ring. The house lights inside the Best Arena turn low and a spotlight shines on Stormy, her brown hair ruffling in the artificially produced wind- thanks to a huge off screen fan. Stormy sees Johnny staring at her and waves as she slowly, tantalizingly takes a huge bite from the Western Bacon Thickburger sandwich.
Johnny Suave: It’s only a matter of time, Dawn.
Dawn McGill: What?
Johnny Suave: It’s only a matter of time until one of them spills barbeque sauce on their shirt and then we’ll have a real strip show here.
As if on cue, Dark, her black hair also fluttering in the artificially created breeze, takes a huge bite of her sandwich and a massive glob of barbeque sauce slathered in between the buns slithers out and stains her pearly white t-shirt.
Johnny Suave: See? I told you.
Of course, Dark’s horrified at the development so she slips off her barbeque sauce stained t-shirt and reveals that she’s wearing a barbeque colored bikini top.
Dawn McGill: Well, the action seems to have shifted away from the ring.
Ray McAvay and his unknown opponent have stopped wrestling and lean against the top rope to watch as Stormy takes a sizable bite of her Thickburger. In a shocking development, a major glob of barbeque sauce spills onto her white t-shirt.
Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! Thank you God!
So Stormy also pulls off her barbeque stained white t-shirt off and- surprise, she too has a barbeque colored bikini top on.
Johnny Suave: Thank you! Could this get any better?
Bert the Janitor walks into the scene. He picks up the two soiled white t-shirts and tosses them into his mop bucket. He hands Dark a supersized bottle of barbeque sauce and then moves on. She slowly opens up the bottle and proceeds to pour it all over the burger, all over Stormy’s burger, and then ‘accidently’ spills it all over herself.
Dawn McGill: I don’t know Johnny. It sure looks like she did that on purpose-
Johnny Suave: Accidents happen.
Being the helpful person she is, Stormy tries to clean up the massive mess her friend just made by licking the barbeque sauce off Dark’s chest- of which you can’t tell now if she’s wearing a bikini top or not. In the process, the barbeque sauce ends up spilled all over her chest…and neck…and then her arms.
Announcer Guy (v/o): Two for the price of one.
Watching from the ring, McAvay’s eyes widen and he leans on the top rope to get a closer view. Dawn McGill then gets out of her chair and ‘Gibbs-slaps’ Ray in the back of the head.
Ray McAvay (holding the back of his head): Ow!
Announcer Guy (v/o): Carl’s Junior’s Half Pound Western Thickburger…
Dark begins to undo Stormy’s bikini top.
Announcer Guy (v/o): Only at Carl’s Junior.
Johnny Suave: WAIT! DON’T END THE COMMERCIAL NOW!
Fade to black.
Johnny Suave’s voice: DAMMIT!
[The crowd boos as ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann stands in the ring.]
Dawn McGill (voiceover): All right, I’ve just about had enough of him. We’ve settled this. We’ve got a good crowd on hand tonight. There was a lot of excitement outside the ring before the show.
[The camera cuts to a replay of the parking lot prior to tonight’s show. Several RV’s are parked out in the lot, waving flags of all sorts, and there’s quite a few people tailgating.
Close up to a table where McGill, ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris, and co-MVW Tag Team champion Tessa Martin sign up people to join the Missouri Valley Wrestling Supporter’s Trust.
Cut back to the ring and Mr. McMann]
Mr. McMann: All right. I realize that I’m not the most popular person here at the moment.
[The crowd lets out a loud roar. McMann holds up his hand.]
Mr. McMann: I get it. No, really. I do. (pauses and lets the cheering die down) But it still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know the first thing about how a pro wrestling event is supposed to go.
[The boos return.]
Mr. McMann: You see, in the world of Sports Entertainment, I tell you who to cheer for. I tell you who you should boo. You people…you don’t know what you want to see. I tell you who you want to see.
[More boos- louder.]
Mr. McMann: So now, the fact that the whole lot of you are now supposedly ‘owners’ of Missouri Valley Wrestling…well…it really pisses me off.
[Boos- even louder]
Mr. McMann: People who are clearly unqualified to make basic wrestling booking decisions are now allegedly part owners of this company? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. What Missouri Valley Wrestling needs is someone with a vision…someone with a genius…a sports entertainment genius. What it really needs is…ME and the Sports Entertainment Consortium!
[Off the charts, loud booing]
Mr. McMann: And furthermore the SEC is going to revolution-
[The crowd’s boos turns to cheers when Kari Ferguson walks out accompanied by co-MVW Tag Team champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin.]
Tessa Martin: Oh just shut up already.
Johnny Suave (voiceover): Former Sports Entertainment Consortium member Kari Ferguson comes out with the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl!
Tessa Martin: You singlehandedly tried to ruin Kari Ferguson’s career. Now you want to singlehandedly ruin Missouri Valley Wrestling, too? No, thank you. Look, you’ve been the same one note Mr. McMann since 2005. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time for you to get a new act because this one has worn real thin.
Mr. McMann just stands there.
Tessa Martin: Now, get out of our ring so we can have our tag team match.
[Cut back to the broadcast table.]
Johnny Suave: Well, I guess she told him.
Dawn McGill: It’s about freakin’ time.
Johnny Suave: Three months ago, these two teams met and here’s how it went down.
(MVWA 66- MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin/’Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas vs. The Kentucky Deerhunters (Kellyanne Morris/Bailey Foster))
Morris winds up with her right hand and throws a haymaker towards Dallas. Dallas ducks and Morris connects with Foster instead, sending her flying off the ring apron. Dallas takes a stunned Morris by the arm and whips her across the ring towards Tess. Tess takes her oversized pizza box of doom, rears back, and piefaces Morris with it.
Referee Ron Martin immediately calls for the bell.
Suave (v/o): Martin calls for the bell? Is he disqualifying the tag team champions?
Dawn McGill (v/o): I believe he is. He had a clear view of Tess hitting Morris with the oversized pizza box of doom.
*”Dumas Walker” by the Kentucky Headhunters plays*
Suave: Here comes the Kentucky Deerhunters.
Kellyanne Morris runs down the aisle to the ring. She climbs up the steps and turns to the crowd and leads them in song.
Let’s all go, down to Dumas Walker
Let’s all go, down to Dumas Walker
We’ll get a slaw, burger, fries, and a bottle of ski
Bring it on out to my baby and me
Cut to the ring where ring announcer Kimber Marshall is ready to get things underway.
Kimber Marshall: Our next match is one fall and for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Title. Hailing from Corbin, Kentucky- she is KELLY-ANNNE MORRIS.
Foster also runs down to the ring. She eschews the steps and slides stomach first in under the ropes.
Kimber Marshall: And from Pikeville, Kentucky- BAIL-LEEEEEE FOSTER! They are the KENNNN-TUCKY DEERRRRR-HUNTERS!
Wearing matching camouflage ring attire, Morris and Foster high five each other and continues to lead the fans in a sing-along to their theme music.
Let’s all go, down to Dumas Walker
Let’s all go, down to Dumas Walker
We’ll get a slaw, burger, fries, and a bottle of ski
Bring it on out to my baby and me
The music abruptly segueways into a thumping, rock beat following by hard rock guitar.
*”Dig In” by Lenny Kravitz plays*
Kimber Marshall: And now, the Missouri Valley Wrestling tag team champions. First, from Bowling Green, Ohio. She is the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’…TESSA MARTIN!
Dressed in a pizza delivery shirt and a pair of long gym shorts, Martin holds up her MVW Tag Team title belt and walks down to the ring.
Tessa rolls herself into the ring as the music changes off to “God Bless Texas” by Little Texas.
Kimber Marshall: And her partner. From the Lone Star State, Denton, Texas. The Texas Cowgirl. HALEY DALLAS!
Haley walks out wearing a leather vest, a wrestling singlet with the MVW Tag Team title belt wrapped around her waist, and a cowgirl hat. She pauses outside the ring when the song reaches the end of the chorus and raises her fist in the air…
I’ve been sent to spread the message
Kimber Marshall – Davey Keels is the referee for this match.
MATCH #1/MVW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH-NO DISQUALIFICATION: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin/’Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas vs. The Kentucky Deerhunters (Kellyanne Morris/Bailey Foster)
Tess and Morris again start out. Tess wallops Morris with a right hand and whips her into the turnbuckle. Tess moves in and lands a front-layout superplex. Tess then with a pumphandle slam and Morris rolls out of the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Tess comes out firing. Wait a minute! Dallas and Bailey Foster are brawling on the outside. Foster with a guillotine choke on the Texas Cowgirl. Tess rolls out of the ring and hits Foster with a double axhandle! It’s a crazy start.
Morris also exits the ring and chases after Tess who drops a closed fist on Foster. Morris lands with a right of her own. Morris lifts Tess up….tiger driver on the floor.
Keels starts to count.
Dallas jumps onto the ring apron and hits a diving elbow smash to Morris. She grabs Tess and helps her back into the ring. Tess climbs in but Dallas catches a knifehand chop from Morris. Morris then DDT’s the Texas Cowgirl and leaves her in a heap outside the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Morris back into the ring…TESS ROLLS HER UP! ONE…TWO…NO!
Morris kicks out at 2. Tess locks Morris into a headscissors submission. The referee checks on Morris.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Heads up!
Bailey Foster comes to her partner’s rescue and lays in the boots to Tess to make her break the hold! Referee Davey Keels orders her from the ring. Foster leaves and then Morris walks over and tags her back in. Foster rolls in and connects with a knee lift to the stomach. Tess staggers back to her corner but there’s no one to tag in- Dallas is still lying on the ringside floor. Tess turns around and runs right into a clotheslines by Foster.
Johnny Suave (v/o): It’s two against one right now. Morris runs in and HE takes down Tess with a clothesline! Foster follows with an elbow drop and tags Morris back in. Morris hits Tess with a mule kick.
Morris follows up and drops the big leg. She mounts Tess and rains down punches on her repeatedly until Keels makes her break.
Foster goes top rope and hits Tess with a diving elbow smash.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Diving elbow smash may have rearranged Tess’s teeth! The Kentucky Deerhunters have come out on fire here tonight.
Morris makes the tag to Foster. She comes in and rakes her fingers across Tess’s back. Foster pulls up the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and hits her with a belly-to-belly suplex. She scrambles over and grabs Tess’s legs…
Johnny Suave (v/o): STF! Tess is in big trouble now.
Davey Keels asks Tess if she quits. Tess screams out no. Foster tightens the hold. The Texas Cowgirl finally appears and climbs back up on the ring apron. She gets into the ring and kicks at Foster and forces her to break the hold. Now Morris in and she drags Dallas back to the floor.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Davey Keels has his hands full. Action inside AND outside the ring.
Morris takes a chair and lays it on the floor. She reaches around Dallas and dumps her with a Gut Wrench Suplex onto the open chair!
Johnny Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP!
Morris then grabs a microphone cable and starts choking Dallas with it. Keels now goes over and shouts at Morris so Foster takes the opportunity and chokes Tess with her boot. Foster whips Tess into the ropes- Tess comes off and hits a desperation clothesline on Foster. Tess follows with a swinging neckbreaker.
Johnny Suave (v/o): The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl fights back. She goes up top…she hits Foster with a diving elbow smash of her own.
Tess goes to tag in Dallas but again she’s unavailable. Tess climbs to the top of the turnbuckle and hits a diving headbutt on Morris. Foster slides out of the ring and charges Tess. Tess ducks and back body drops Foster to the ringside floor. Tess grabs a chair! *CLANG*
Johnny Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP! She just took out Morris with a steel chair!
Dawn McGill (v/o): No disqualification Johnny.
Tess turns to Foster and raises the chair but notices that Keels starts to count again.
Johnny Suave (v/o): But there can be a count-out.
Tess scrambles back to the ring with the chair to break the count. Morris also makes her way back and climbs back in. Tess immediately whips her off the ropes and clotheslines Morris. Tess mounts her and rains down punches. Foster comes in with the steel chair…*CLANG*
Johnny Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP!
Tess is driven into the corner. Foster sets the chair on her and steps back. Basement dropkick to the chair on Tess.
Morris drags Tess to the middle of the ring. She takes her foot and spins around.
Johnny Suave (v/o): SHE’S GOING FOR THE BEAR TRAP! CAN SHE GET IT?
Texas Cowgirl Haley Dallas finally gets back into the match. She climbs up to the top of the turnbuckle and connects with a flying bodypress on Morris. Tess crawls over and makes the cover…1…2…Morris powers out. Now Dallas whips Morris to the corner of the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Now Foster back in and she’s brawling with Dallas in the corner. Tess goes up top.
Tess hits a springboard bulldog and slams Foster’s head onto the mat.
Johnny Suave (v/o): SHE COVERS…BUT FOSTER’S NOT THE LEGAL WOMAN IN THE RING!
Tess realizes her mistake and goes after Morris. She goes for a belly-to-belly suplex but Foster clubs her from behind. Again, Morris goes for a STF but Dallas stops her. Fireman’s Carry by Dallas and she drops Morris on the chair inside the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Davey Keels is trying to get Dallas and Foster out of the ring. Tess off the ropes…BIG BODYBLOCK TO MORRIS. COVER…1…2…KICK OUT BY MORRIS!
Tess with a headlock.
Johnny Suave (v/o): BOOM! DDT! COVER!
One…two…shoulder up! Tess stomps once at Morris and finally tags in Dallas.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Tess finally gets a little break and Texas Cowgirl Haley Dallas is tagged in.
Dallas with a running forearm smash on Morris. Dallas then connects with a lariat. Elbow smash follows from the Texas Cowgirl. She climbs to the top turnbuckle and hits a frog splash on Morris. She hooks the legs…one…two…
Johnny Suave (v/o): Diving headbutt by Bailey Foster breaks up the pinfall! Foster and Morris lift Dallas up.
Doubleteam chokeslam to the mat. Morris covers but Dallas knees her and rolls back to her feet.
Dawn McGill (v/o): This is just nuts, Johnny.
Dallas with a leg drop to Morris. Tess back in and she tackles Foster and both tumble out of the ring. Dallas hits a flying legdrop and then follows with an elbowdrop. Dallas swings around Morris and DDT’s her.
Johnny Suave (v/o): What a move by Haley Dallas. Now she sets the chair on top of Morris… leg drop on the way…Foster pulls Morris out of danger.
Both teams take a momentary second to catch their breath. Morris tags Foster back in. Dallas immediately lariats Foster. Dallas follows with a flying knee drop and leaps to tag in Tess. Tess goes top rope and drops Foster with a missile drop kick. Morris back in- Tess hits an arm drag take down. Foster pulls Tess back by the hair and slams her into their corner.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Wrong part of Dodge.
Morris and Foster alternate chops to the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. Tess suddenly bolts forward. Morris and Foster both clip her with knees and Tess tumbles forward to the mat. Dallas runs across the ring and punches Morris and then Foster. Dallas clotheslines Morris but gets caught by a running neckbreaker drop from Foster. Foster and Morris lift Dallas in the air and hit a double team running powerbomb to the mat.
Tess attacks both women immediately and hits Foster with an exploder suplex. Tess then drags her across the ring to the opposite corner and lays in the boots on her. Foster up- Tess slaps her hard and sends her reeling across the ring. Foster staggers out and Tess chops her right back down. Tess tags in Dallas and she has a chair. *CLANG* Foster down! Morris in and she rushes Dallas. *CLANG* Morris down. Dallas covers Foster…1…2 NO! Foster just escapes.
Johnny Suave (v/o): That was close!
Dawn McGill (v/o): I thought Dallas had her.
Johnny Suave (v/o): WE’VE GOT COMPANY!
The SEC (‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, his hired guns Bo Stevens and Timothy Allen Tebow- no NOT him, and Lingerie Girls Brandi and Wendi Bayless) runs down to the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): IT’S THE SEC AND-
Dawn McGill (v/o): HOLD ON!
Not two seconds after the SEC show up, Jill Berg Enterprises (Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Hallie Burton, Svetlana Kovaleski, and Regina McGill) stream to the ring and off we go.
Daisy Cutter-Bomb lassos Bo Stevens with a microphone cable and wraps it around his throat.
Johnny Suave (v/o): DAISY CUTTER-BOMB CHOKING BO STEVENS OUT!
Wendi Bayless uses a running lariat to take Regina McGill down. Kovaleski whacks Brandi Bayless with a stick while Tebow and Hallie Burton fight into the aisle.]
Dawn McGill (v/o): This one’s starting to get out of hand.
Keels desperately tries to keep control of the match. Kellyanne Morris chokes Tess over the top rope. Bailey Foster is back on her feet and gets a Texas Lariat from Haley Dallas. Dallas covers but Morris pulls her off Foster. Dallas lariats Morris. Foster bounces Dallas off the ropes and hits a backdrop. Foster goes for a cover but out of nowhere, Tess tackles her. Tess then turns and drives her shoulder into Morris’s stomach. Dallas flings Foster into the ropes. She comes off and…
Johnny Suave (v/o): TEXAS LARIAT BY HALEY DALLAS! COVER…1 …2 …3. THAT’S IT!
Dawn McGill (v/o): Wow!
Johnny Suave (v/o): Unbelievable!
Kimber Marshall in the ring for the formal announcement.
Kimber Marshall: The winners of this match at seventeen minutes and fifty-one seconds, and STILL the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Champions. ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas!!!
In a rare moment of sportsmanship, both Morris and Foster walk over to the champions and shake their hands. Behind them, backstage interviewer Paige McGillicutty climbs into the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): A big win for Tessa Martin and Haley Dallas. And it looks like Paige McGillicutty is going to talk with the champions right now. Paige?
Paige McGillicutty walks over to the champions.
Paige McGillicutty: Tess, the Kentucky Deerhunters took you and Haley to the limit tonight but somehow, you managed to pull through. Just how tough was this match?
Tessa Martin: I don’t think we’ve done anything like this since the PCW days. Chairs. Going outside the ring. But give the Deerhunters credit. They wanted a no disqualification match for a good reason. It’s in their wheelhouse. And they brought it to us tonight.
Paige McGillicutty: Haley. It seemed that Morris and Foster’s game plan was divide and conquer tonight.
Haley Dallas: Yeah. They caught me on the outside which meant Tess had to carry the action inside the ring. They’all had a good plan. Tess and I were fortunate to get the win tonight.
Paige McGillicutty: So what’s next?
Tessa Martin: We keep moving forward. Haley and I have held the belts for over four months now and we don’t have any plans on slowing down anytime soon.
Haley Dallas: Y’all know that life is defined by opportunities. And Tess and I have seized this chance to be the tag team champions and we’all having the time of our lives. Yeee-haw!
And with that, Tess and Dallas clear out of the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Back with more after this…
A package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a campground. There’s a truck with a camper in the bed parked in a forest area with plenty of trees.
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky presents Messing with McGill.
Three men sit around a campfire. The one on the left is crouched down on the ground munching on a piece of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky. The other two are drinking coffee from a mug.
There’s a rustling by an old barn where four trash cans are located. All four are overflowing over the top. All three look over and see Dawn McGill with an empty water bottle in her hand. She’s wearing shorts and a tank top as she’s out for a run.
Dawn McGill: Hey guys. Do you know if there’s any other trash receptacles nearby?
The crouching guy snacking on the beef jerky gets an idea. He reaches into his rucksack and pulls out one of those trick cans that sprays out plastic snakes when you open it up.
Guy #1: Hey guys.
He shows the can to the others.
Dawn McGill: Um. You do know that I can hear you, right?
The other two snicker at the idea. The man on the far right who’s wearing a plaid lumberjack jacket points to a rock in front of Dawn and the other guy ‘sneaks’ over there with the can.
Dawn McGill: Okay. You do know that I can see you sneaking up here.
The other two watch as the guy places the can on the rock, with Dawn observing him, and then ‘sneaks’ back to the campfire.
Dawn looks down at the can.
Dawn McGill: All right. I know what’s inside the can. I’m going to open it up. These plastic thingys are going to come flying out. And then I’m going to have to do something really bad to you guys.
The three campers simply stare at her.
Dawn McGill: Okay…fine.
She opens the can. Two plastic snakes fly out and the campers begin to laugh. Dawn gives out a ‘look’ that said ‘seriously?’ She exhales, turns, and runs into the woods.
The three campers scurry towards their camper just as Dawn comes back out with a rather ominous looking weapon in hand.
Guy #2 (panicked shout): OH *BLEEP*, SHE’S GOT AN RPG!
Guy #3 (even more panicked): RUN!
As the campers veer off into the woods, Dawn smiles…aims…and fires the Rocket Propelled Gernade into the camper and blows it up.
Final scene: a package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky superimposed over the burning truck and the debris field around it.
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Feed your wild side.
A package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a golf course fairway on a perfect summer afternoon.
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky presents Messing with McGill.
A heavy set man prepares to hit his approach shot to the green while his friend waits for him inside a golf cart.
Heavy Set Man: Five feet from the hole, right here.
He begins his backswing and sees a bunny hopping along and Dawn McGill running along the edge of the woods off the fairway. He stops his swing and turns to gawk at Dawn. The man in the golf cart gets out as well. He’s munching on a piece of beef jerky.
Dawn stops to rest for a second.
Both look at each other. The man hands the bag of beef jerky to the heavy set gentleman and goes back to the golf cart. He pulls a beer out of the cooler and then begins to vigorously shake it up.
Dawn McGill: Okay. Newsflash. I can see what you’re doing.
The man approaches Dawn slowly.
Driver of Golf Cart: Hey big fella.
Dawn glares back at him.
Dawn McGill (annoyed): Big fella?
Driver of Golf Cart: Do you want a cold one?
Dawn McGIll: Okay. Again, I know what you did to the can of beer.
McGill stares at the dumb expression from the driver of the cart. She finally sighs.
Dawn McGill: Fine.
Dawn snatches the beer can out of his hand.
Driver of Golf Cart: Okay…you can do it.
She shoots him a ‘look.’ Dawn rolls her eyes and opens the can causing the beer to spray out all over her.
The two men bust out laughing and jump right back into their golf cart.
Her face and hair soaked with beer, Dawn whips out a taser and fires it at the driver just as he hits the accelerator.
Driver of Golf Cart: ARRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!
The cart veers sharply into a tree and tips over.
Final scene: a package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky superimposed over the turned over golf cart and the convulsing driver still suffering the effects of being tased.
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Feed your wild side.
BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH PAIGE McGILLICUTTY
[Cut to backstage where Paige McGillicutty is stationed close to one of the exits.]
Paige McGillicutty: Well Johnny, a quick update on ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and his SEC. Mr. McMann and the SEC stormed out of the Redbird Arena just a few minutes ago. I don’t know what the issue is now but when I tried to get a comment from him, McMann simply pushes me aside and walked right out the door.
[The picture cuts to a split-screen: Paige on the left- Dawn McGill on the right.]
Dawn McGill: Oh, I can tell you what he’s upset about Paige. McMann wanted to buy into the Missouri Valley Wrestling Supporter’s Trust but he wanted to buy enough individual shares to gain control of the company. We…okay…I…told him that’s not how it works. McMann can donate whatever he wants to the Supporter’s Trust but he’s only getting one share…period.
Paige McGillicutty: There you have it. I’m also told that the number of people who’ve joined the trust now exceeds the three thousand mark with more people signing up as we speak. Back to you Johnny and Dawn.
[Cut back to the broadcast table.]
Johnny Suave: Thanks Paige. Three weeks ago, Lady Halitosis and Kathryn Randall Collins met and this is how the match ended.
(MVWA 66– MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TITLE MATCH: ‘American Luchador with Insane Bad Breath’ Lady Halitosis © vs. Kathryn Randall Collins)
KRC makes a few adjustments and grabs Lady Halitosis’s arms, pulling them back.
Suave (v/o): SURFBOARD!
Dawn McGill (v/o): The champion’s in trouble Johnny. KRC is lethal when she is able to work submission holds on the mat.
KRC continues to tie up the arms and turns it into a straightjacket choke.
Suave (v/o): The crowd’s on their feet! Could this be the night…WAIT!
The green shirted members of the Green World Order race to the ring.
Suave (v/o): WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
Collins drops the hold and steps back. The full complement of the GWO climbs into the ring and surround her. Code Pink, Peta from PETA, Soccer Mom, ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, and New Age Sensitive Guy.
PeaceNic is also on hand but she protests the violence and brutality of pro wrestling from the outside of the ring.
Referee Davey Keels directs the GWO out of the ring. But they ignore him. Lee and GreenPete eject Keels from the ring. Keels then calls for the bell and throws out the match.
Suave (v/o): Match thrown out.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Two versus six Johnny. Don’t like those odds.
Lady Halitosis also manages to stand and realizes she’s also surrounded by the GWO.
Suave (v/o): Now what?
Lady Halitosis turns to KRC and breaths on her.
Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP!
Dawn McGill (v/o): Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.
KRC’s legs buckle after taking the full effect of Lady Halitosis’s insane bad breath. Lady Halitosis then pulls KRC’s face closer to her and she unloads again. She releases Collins and she wilts, falling to the mat.
The crowd boos. Code Pink, Peta from PETA, and Soccer Mom start stomping away at Collins…
Dawn McGill: We’ll see if the addition of the Green World Order to Lady Halitosis’s team changes the equation.
Cut to the ring where Kimber is set to go.
Kimber Marshall: Our main event tonight is one fall for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title. First, the challenger…
*“Money”- Kevin Armstrong (from the Money Never Sleeps Soundtrack) begins to play.*
Kimber Marshall: From Ft. Myers, Florida. She’s a former MVW Heartland and Television Champion. KATHRYN…RANDALL…COLLINS!
Kathryn Randall Collins appears on the stage. KRC looks a little unsteady but when she walks towards the ring she looks as determined as ever.
Suave (v/o): I don’t know Dawn. She’s still recovering from the effects of Code Pink’s Glitter Bomb earlier in the night.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Again, if anyone can overcome it, it’s Kathryn.
Kimber Marshall: And now, introducing the Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion.
Lady Halitosis appears on the stage biting into an onion and holding on to a grocery bag as ‘Bad Seed Rising’ by Bad Seed Rising begins to play over the sound system. She’s joined by the Green World Order (Cold Pink, Peta from PETA, Emily S. List, and PeaceNic).
Kimber Marshall: From West Plains, Missouri. She is the American Luchador with Insane Bad Breath…LADY HALITOSIS!
Lady Halitosis starts down the aisle to the ring, and tries to slap people’s hands and saying hello to everyone in the front row. The fans turn their back to her and try not to get downwind of her breath.
Well I’m your bad seed rising, ain’t no use denying
This girl ain’t a good girl no more
Bad seed rising, ain’t no use in crying
I still wear a halo, my Lord
Ain’t no use denying this girl ain’t a good girl no more
This girl ain’t a good girl no more (now listen here)
Lady Halitosis reaches the ring and goes around the front row with the GWO in tow. She tries to greet everyone. Again, they turn away and try not to get a whiff of her breath. She then climbs into the ring holding up the MVW Title belt and walks towards Kimber Marshall.
Kimber holds her hand up to stop her and keep her away.
Johnny Suave (v/o): This time, can Kathryn Randall Collins make it over the hump and win the MVW title?
Dawn McGill (v/o): I think she can Johnny. But there’s no disqualification stipulation as in the earlier match.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Which means the champion has a get out of jail free card if things get a little sticky.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Yep. And the GWO have not been shy about getting involved in matches.
Referee Davey Keels gives the usual talk to both contestants and points the GWO to the outside of the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): And off we go…
Keels then waves for the bell.
MAIN EVENT/MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TITLE MATCH: ‘American Luchador with Insane Bad Breath’ Lady Halitosis © vs. Kathryn Randall Collins
Lockup to start, and Lady Halitosis tosses KRC across the ring. She closes in for a suplex and lifts KRC up only for her to land on her feet. Lockup again, and this time, KRC shoves the champion down hard.
Johnny Suave (v/o): KRC wasting no time and stomping away at the champion. KRC drops a leg across Lady Halitosis’s neck and then drops and hooks the legs. COLLINS FOR THE QUICK WIN…NO!
The champion kicks out at two. She pulls at KRC’s hair and slams a right hand to the challenger’s stomach. Lady Halitosis drives her back with some forearms. She goes for an Irish Whip but KRC reverses. The champion locks the head but KRC pushes her off. She takes Lady Halitosis by the head and drives her neck first across the ropes. The champion whirls around and eats a double knees to the gut. KRC covers…1…2…NO!
Johnny Suave (v/o): Fast start to the match.
Dawn McGill (v/o): KRC starting a lot faster this week than she did at MVWA 66.
Johnny Suave (v/o): But Lady Halitosis is the champion and that gives her a few more outs if you know what I mean.
Dawn McGill (v/o): I know what you mean, Johnny.
Johnny Suave (v/o): BLATANT CHOKE BY THE CHAMPION!
Lady Halitosis chokes KRC in the corner. Referee Ron Martin admonishes the champion and then starts a five count. Lady Halitosis steps back and then delivers a knee to the face.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Cheap shot by Lady Halitosis.
The champion stalks KRC back into the corner. She hits some kicks and drives the challenger to a seated position. Lady Halitosis chokes KRC across on the ring ropes as her Green World Order teammates cheer her on. Ron Martin finally starts another five count and again, Lady Halitosis relents…and then delivers a right hand to KRC’s face.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Another cheap shot on the break by the champion.
Dawn McGill (v/o): One of these times, Kathryn’s going to fire back at her when she does that.
Johnny Suave (v/o): BUT SHE’S NOT DOING IT NOW! LADY HALITOSIS ROLLS HER UP!
Ron Martin makes the count…1…2…NO!
Dawn McGill (v/o): That was close! KRC just got her shoulder up, Johnny.
Lady Halitosis knees KRC in the back. She pulls the challenger’s arms back behind her but KRC powers out. Lady Halitosis sends her into the ropes and hits a kick. Irish Whip again by the champion. She ducks a clothesline and hits a drop toehold. Rollup…1…2…NO!
Johnny Suave (v/o): All Lady Halitosis in the early going. She seems to have gained a newfound aggressiveness since she’s joined the GWO.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Swell.
Again, Lady Halitosis whips KRC into the ropes and goes for a back body drop. KRC counters with an uppercut and gets her attention. Collins blocks a right, takes the champion down with a clothesline. Lady Halitosis back up. KRC takes her right back down. She follows with a dropkick and then a Body slam. Lady Halitosis again goes for an Irish Whip. KRC reverses and hits a nice T-Bone suplex. She takes Lady Halitosis’s arm and wrenches back on it.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Collins turning the tables on the champion.
Dawn McGill (v/o): And now she’s grounded, Johnny. That’s not a place she wants to be.
Lady Halitosis tries to kick out. She reaches back to grab KRC but the challenger grabs the other arm and leans back. KRC maneuvers around and pulls Lady Halitosis back. She uses her feet to push her into the air.
Johnny Suave (v/o): CEILING HOLD! AND LADY HALITOSIS IS TRAPPED!
Code Pink hops on the apron! The referee goes over to stop her and doesn’t see Peta from PETA slide in and kick KRC in the head. Collins releases the champion. Peta grabs KRC’s leg and drags her towards the ropes! But Ron Martin turns and sees what’s going on behind him. He orders Peta from the ring.
Dawn McGill (v/o): No disqualification. Kick the GWO from ringside but no disqualification.
Collins collects herself. Lady Halitosis tries to buy herself some time. She circles KRC and fires a kick to the thigh. The champion ducks a clothesline and fires another kick in. KRC corners her and tosses Lady Halitosis into the turnbuckle. Kicks to the stomach drive the champion down to the mat. Lady Halitosis back up and tries to fight her way out with forearms but KRC shoves her back into the corner hard. Lady Halitosis charges out again but KRC hooks the arm and falls back sending her flying over him.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Japanese Arm Drag by Collins.
Lady Halitosis rolls out to the outside to take five.
Dawn McGill (v/o): She’s starting to frustrate the champion.
Lady Halitosis confers with her GWO mates before climbing back up onto the steps. The champion climbs to the top rope.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Crossbody by Lady Halitosis…KRC rolls it into a power slam!
Collins hooks the legs…1…2…kick out. Lady Halitosis rushes the challenger and KRC side steps. She backs the champion into the corner. KRC whips Lady Halitosis to the ropes but the champion holds on, floats over, and lands some kicks. Uppercut to the chin by the champion. KRC misses a clothesline and Lady Halitosis takes an arm drag. Suplex by Lady Halitosis and a cover…1…2…KRC gets the shoulder up.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Nice series of moves by Lady Halitosis.
Dawn McGill (v/o): She can wrestle dammit. I just don’t understand why she’s fallen in with the GWO.
Lady Halitosis fires a hard chop and sends KRC to the corner. She runs in and gets an elbow. Lady Halitosis staggers back. KRC grabs her from behind- Belly to Belly Suplex! KRC covers…1…2…NO! KRC pulls her up and misses a clothesline. Lady Halitosis delivers a stiff right hand and sends Collins reeling to the mat. The champion starts to climb the turnbuckle for her finisher. But KRC reacts quick and knocks her off the apron to the floor.
Johnny Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP!
Code Pink jumps onto the ring apron. She shouts at referee Ron Martin and demands he disqualifies KRC. Martin doesn’t do that- he starts to count the champion out. Peta from PETA and Emily S. List check on Lady Halitosis who’s lying on the floor- not moving all that much. KRC paces back and forth in the ring.
Johnny Suave (v/o): He’s reached five.
Dawn McGill (v/o): She’s not going to make the count.
Martin calls for the bell.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Kathryn Randall Collins is going to get the win. But she’s not going to get the title.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber Marshall: The winner as a result of a count-out at ten minutes, fourteen seconds- Kathryn Randall Collins.
Kimber Marshall: But still Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion- Lady Halitosis.
The Green World Order cheer at the announcement. Lady Halitosis bounces right back up as if she was good as new and hugs it out with the rest of the GWO.
Dawn McGill (v/o): Clever little minx, isn’t she? She played possum to get the count-out.
KRC yells at the champion from the ring as the GWO head to the back. Lady Halitosis holds up the MVW title belt and taunts Collins as she walks backwards up the ramp.
Johnny Suave (v/o): Well? Will there be a third match between these two? Lady Halitosis loses the battle but wins the war for tonight. That’s going to do it for MVWA 67. We’ll see you next month for MVWA 68. For Dawn McGill, I’m Johnny Suave. Have a good night everyone.