PCW: Political Championship Wrestling End of the World PPV- 10th Anniversary/Reunion/Finale- Part One

OPENING: From the First Ever PCW PPV Show- March 2005

[“The American Screamer” Howard Dean sticks his head inside the office of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Dean tries to curry favor with the Clintons as he vies for the leadership of the Democrats.]

Howard Dean:
If I’m in charge, I’ll cut through the Republicans like hot knife through butter! I’ll take on George W. and all of his right-wing cronies. I’ll take care of the The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay, Condoleezza Rice, the Bomb Brothers, “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and The God Squad. I’ll fight them in Ohio! In Michigan! Indiana! Illinois! Kentucky! Pennsylvania! ALL THE WAY TO ULTIMATE VICTORY! YEEEEEE-AAAHHHH!………….what?………

[…]

Howard Dean:
Oh. Right, sir…I’ll tone it down a bit.

[Dean backs out of the office with a determined scowl on his face.]

Howard Dean:
Make a difference, huh? Oh yeah. I can make a BIG difference. YEEEEEE-AAAHHHHHH!

Bill Clinton (from inside the office):
*BLEEP*-DAMMIT HOWARD!

Howard Dean:
Right…forgot…sorry…

CWC PCW Logo

PCW Reunion/10th Anniversary/Finale Show
Joseph J. Gentile Arena
Chicago, IL
Sunday September 6th, 2015

[As the crowd chants “PCW-PCW-PCW”, the long time voice of Political Championship Wrestling Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring along with his sidekick, a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain.]

Suave and Shania

Johnny Suave and “Shania Twain”

Johnny Suave:
HOLY CRAP!

[Four thousand, five hundred PCW fanatics suddenly let out an earth-shattering roar. Then, another loud chant of “PCW.”]

Johnny Suave:
WELCOME BACK TO P-C-DOUBLE-YOU!

Crowd:
PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
MY NAME IS JOHNNY SUAVE. [Points to Shania.] THIS SMOKING…HOT…PIECE OF CARDBOARD IS SHANIA TWAIN. WE ARE HERE TONIGHT TO HAVE ONE HELLUVA A BIG PARTY! WE ARE HERE TONIGHT TO GIVE PCW THE PROPER CONCLUSION WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU TWO YEARS AGO. ALL YOUR FAVORITE PCW STARS ARE HERE TONIGHT FOR ONE LAST SHOW!

Crowd:
PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
TONIGHT, WE’VE GOT A TAG TEAM MATCH FEATURING PCW’S MID-CARD HEROES. ‘AMERICAN LUCHADOR WITH INSANE BAD BREATH’ HALITOSIS AND ‘THE MASTER OF THE CLAWHOLD’ BARON VON MUNCHKE WILL FACE THE TEAM OF SNAFU AND FUBAR!

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
WE’VE GOT FORMER PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL’ TESSA MARTIN AND SHE WILL MEET HER ARCH-NEMISIS, ‘SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT GENIUS’ MR. McMANN.

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
WE’VE GOT A TORNADO TAG ELIMINATION MATCH FEATURING FOUR OF PCW’S MOST MEMORABLE TAG TEAMS: THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS- DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAVE AND DAN MARTINI VERSUS THE MIDNIGHT ROCKIN’ EXPRESS WITH RICKY MICHAELS AND MARTY LANE VERSUS DWI- AL CAHALL AND NIC KOTEEN VERSUS THE AMERICAN BIKERS BIG PAULIE AND LITTLE PAULIE!

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
WE’VE GOT A THREE WAY TAG DANCE FEATURING THREE PCW FACTIONS. LES MISERABLES WITH CHARLIE BLACKWELL AND WILLIAM DANIELS BRYAN VERSUS BIG BUSINESS- BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT VERSUS THE LABOR ALLIANCE- BIG LABOR AND JAMES THE JEEP WORKER.

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
AND THE MAIN EVENT. WE’VE GOT A CHAMPION’S ELIMINATION MATCH FEATURING: YAMAMOTO TANAKA, THE ‘ONE MAN HOLLYWOOD A-LIST’ STONE CHISM, ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO, AND ‘NOT JUST UNBEARABLE…NOT JUST INTOLERABLE…HE IS JUST-INNNNN

Crowd:
SUFFERABLE! 
PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
PLUS FOUR CLASSIC PCW MATCHES!

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
AND DONALD TRUMP’S SPECIAL MAIN EVENT ATTRACTION MATCH BETWEEN ‘THE SCORPION’ SCOTT STEVENS AND ‘TIN CUP’ RAY McAVAY!

Crowd:
…PCW-PCW-PCW!

Johnny Suave:
AND WE MAY HAVE ANOTHER SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU.  But before we get started, let’s go backstage for a very special message.

==============================

BACKSTAGE

[A podium is set up in the hallway.]

*flute and clarinet flourish*

[Two men come out and unroll a white carpet. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building.]

[Barack Obama, his aide de camp Joe Biden- no longer locked in a large wooden box to keep him from saying something that he or CEO Obama will regret because he’s running for President, head down the aisle way. Obama strides to the podium to speak.]

PCW CEO Barack Obama:
Welcome to PCW’s End of the World show! The final PCW show. Michelle and I sincerely hope that everyone here and watching all over the country enjoy tonight’s presentation. For nearly eight years, PCW aspired to be one thing: the answer to the question ‘what would you get if you combined politics and ECW.’ We’ve got a great show for you tonight so without any further ado, let’s get to the action…

[CUT BACK TO: Suave at the broadcast table.]

Johnny Suave:
Before we get to our opening match, we have some news to pass along. Our main event tonight was supposed to feature probably THE most dominant champion PCW ever had- Yamamoto Tanaka. However, his plane was delayed and Tanaka is running way behind. We are hoping that he makes it here in time for his match. We’ll keep you updated throughout the night. Okay. Now, we have a special guest at the broadcast table. With me right now is the American Screamer, Howard Dean (D-VT). Apparently, he’s made quite the effort to be here tonight.

[Howard Dean joins Suave.]

Howard Dean:
That’s right Johnny. I was on vacation but I decided that I couldn’t miss this for the world.

Johnny Suave:
Where have you been traveling?

Howard Dean:
Lot’s of places, Johnny. All over the country. Not only have I been in New Hampshire, I’ve traveled to South Carolina, Oklahoma, Arizona and North Dakota, New Mexico…

[Suave realizes what he’s just done.]

Johnny Suave:
Oh no…

Howard Dean (getting more excited as he goes):
…Texas and New York. Next, we’re going to South Dakota and Oregon, Washington and Michigan, and then I’m going to visit the White House…

[Dean pauses and winds himself up for the big finale.

Johnny Suave:
Thank you Mr.-

Howard Dean (Full bellow):
YEEEEEEEE-AHHHHHHHHH!

Johnny Suave:
…Dean. All right. You can go now. 

==========================

PCW MID-CARD HEROES TAG MATCH HALITOSIS/BARON VON MUNCHKE w/Dr. Bill vs. SNAFU/FUBAR w/Movie Classic

[CUT TO: The Ring. Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall prepares to introduce the contestants in the first match.]

Kimber

Kimber Marshall

Kimber Marshall:
Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to PCW’s Ennnnnnnd of the World show!.

[The crowd stands and cheers.]

Kimber Marshall:
Our first match is a one fall, fifteen minute time limit tag team match.   First-

Male Voice:
HOLD ON!

Johnny Suave (voiceover):
Oh God…not him.

[Strolling to the ring as only he can, it’s the one, the only, the bald superhuman self-help guru himself- Dr. Bill.]

[CUT TO: Dr. Bill in the Past]

SNAFU:
Dr. Bill.  I don’t know what you’re problem is.  But you’re starting to get on my nerves.  I appreciate the fact that you’ve taught me a lot over these past few months.  But, this is getting out of hand.  This is all about control.  At some point, you have to ease back…you have to loosen the reins…you have to step away.

Dr. Bill:
Let’s DOOOO IT!  Dear ungrateful welp.  You don’t get it, do you?  You don’t need athlete’s foot to disgrace your family.  You don’t need husky pants to grab em in the biscuits.  After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get.  You don’t need to go to school to shave a weasel.  BUT, you do need guidance and assistance from a trained professional.  And that’s me.  What happened to Dave the Mechanic after he left me?  He lost the TV title, that’s what.  What’s going to happen to you if you leave me?  You’ll lose the TV title, that’s what.  You don’t need to bitch and moan and get in my grill about ‘loosening the reins.’  But you don’t need a porcupine to hug someone you want to kill.  SNAFU, you need to think real hard about your future.  Now, go take on the day.

[CUT BACK LIVE: The crowd boos…clearly remembering the awkwardly bad advice he used to give back in the day.]

Dr. Bill:
SHHHH….SHHHH.

[Dr. Bill waits impatiently for everyone to quiet down.]

Dr. Bill:
Tonight, I am going to unleash upon Political Championship Wrestling my master plan to end, once and for all, of this extraneous hardcore wrestling garbage and get back to sports entertainment. You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self. Wrestlers of PCW. You should have listened to your body because your body was listening to you. You should have stopped with all this extreme crap because your body is paying the price for it right now.  No dog ever peed on a moving car and if someone out there doesn’t agree with me, then somewhere a village is missing their idiot.

Johnny Suave (voiceover):
Is he done yet?

Voice:
Okay. That’s enough, Dr. Bill.

[Movie Classic, the purveyor of classic movie lines from the past, walks out.]

Movie Classic:
First off, you haven’t changed a damn bit.   You’re still the sanctimonious, raging smug filled ball of pus you were before.

Dr. Bill:
Yeah, blah-blah-blah…blah-blah-blah. He’s a freak and so what if we hurt his feelings.   In fact, it looks like we hurt your feelings too so I do have something I need to say to you…your feelings? To hell with your feelings!  

[The crowd boos even more.]

Movie Classic:
You are dead wrong.

Dr. Bill:
You know, opinions are like asses, everybody’s got one!

Movie Classic:
Yeah, and it looks like you’ve got the biggest one of all!

[The crowd cheers at the line. Dr. Bill does not approve.]

Dr. Bill:
Why you little-…don’t…don’t make me put your head in my blender.

Movie Classic:
You don’t have to worry there, Bill. I have no intention of putting any part of my body into your ‘blender.’ I-uh…I just don’t roll that way- if you know what I mean.

[Dr. Bill mouths something at Movie Classic.]

Movie Classic:
Let’s get this over with. Send out your tag team and I’ll send out mine.

[‘American Luchador…Insane Bad Breath’ Halitosis and the legend, the ‘Master of the Clawhold’ Baron Von Munchke come to the stage. Halitosis bites into an onion and holds on to a grocery bag full of food guaranteed to turn ones breath into a noxious stench of the most foulest gas imaginable. Von Munchke practices the clawhold by sinking his fingers into a watermelon, seemingly oblivious to whatever else is going on.]

Kimber Marshall:
Managed by Dr. Bill. The team of Halitosis and Baron Von Munchke!

[Halitosis starts down the aisle to the ring, slapping people’s hands and saying hello to everyone in the front row…who then all promptly collapse due to his insane bad breath. Von Munchke shows off his ‘Clawhold’ and pieces of watermelon fall off his fingers.]

Johnny Suave (voiceover):
Joining me at the broadcast table, the Six Foot Tall Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt, mother-to-be for the second time, and the woman responsible for this happening- Dawn McGill!

McGill1

Dawn McGill

Dawn McGill (voiceover):
Thank you Johnny.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
You’re looking great Dawn.

Dawn McGill (v/o):
I wish my waistline was telling me the same thing.

[Halitosis reaches the ring and goes around the front row, greeting everyone. Again, they all pass out after getting a whiff of his breath and soon, the scene looks like a set of dominos falling over as he goes around the perimeter.]

Dawn McGill (v/o):
Nice to see Halitosis has the same effect on people that his sister does.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Of course, we’re talking about Lady Halitosis who retained the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title last week in an unbelievable match against Jill Berg and ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris.

[Halitosis climbs into the ring and walks towards Kimber Marshall. Kimber holds her hand up to stop her and keep her away. Von Munchke also rolls into the ring. He stands right up and practices the Clawhold some more.]

Kimber Marshall:
And their opponents. Managed by Movie Classic! The team of SNAFU and FUBAR!

[SNAFU and FUBAR walk out and high five. Then they go right to the ring and join up with Movie Classic who gives them an inspirational pep talk to fire his team up.]

Movie Classic:
All right. Nothing is over until we decide it’s over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No!

Dawn McGill (v/o):
What?

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Shhhhh.

Movie Classic:
I want you to go out there and win one for the Gipper!

Dawn McGill (v/o):
Did he just mix two classic lines from two classic movies into one pep talk?

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Forget it, he’s rolling.

Movie Classic:
So when the going gets tough…

[Movie Classic pauses and thinks real hard.]

Dawn McGill (v/o):
They’re right. Fat, dumb, and stupid is no way to go through life.

Movie Classic:
…the tough get going. Let’s do it!

[SNAFU, FUBAR, and Movie Classic put their hands in the middle and shout something incomprehensible.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
So here we go.

[DING-DING]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Halitosis is an American Luchador who’s dietary choices have rendered his breath extremely noxious. He’s okay- just don’t stand downwind from him. Baron Von Munchke is a German legend in his mid-fifties and the master of the Clawhold.

Dawn McGill (v/o):
Well…we’re going to see if the years have changed FUBAR, PCW’s most notoriously unlucky, calamity-prone pro wrestler. And of course, SNAFU learned everything about wrestling from watching DVD’s of Sabu wrestling in ECW.

Match Summary
SNAFU goes high risk right away in the first minute, jumping onto the top rope and launching himself at Halitosis. Halitosis sidesteps and SNAFU hits the mat hard. Halitosis later drops down to pull SNAFU’s arm back but SNAFU is too fast and rolls out of danger.

In the second minute, Halitosis whips SNAFU into the ropes and meets him with a basement drop kick. Short-arm clothesline follows. Halitosis bends over and tries to ‘breath’ on SNAFU- SNAFU smacks him in the face and rolls away. SNAFU tags FUBAR in.

FUBAR locks up with Halitosis and actually looks…proficient. He keeps Halitosis grounded until the referee forces a break. FUBAR gets up and trips over his own two feet and lands hard in the corner turnbuckle. Halitosis takes advantage and opens up the offense. He walks the rope and then hurricanranas FUBAR. Cover. SNAFU makes the save.

The fourth minute saw back and forth action with FUBAR and then SNAFU was tagged back in. Baron Von Munchke practices the clawhold on the outside as Halitosis continues to play iron man.

SNAFU and Halitosis brawl on the outside. FUBAR decides to set up a table against the corner turnbuckle- like a ramp- and runs to the opposite corner. He leans over the ropes and tells Dawn McGill that he is going to attempt to pull off a re-creation of Evel Knievel’s famous jump over the Snake River Canyon in 1974.

Dawn McGill (v/o):
Wait!  Doesn’t he realize how Evel Knievel’s jump…

Determined, FUBAR takes off across the ring and runs up the ramp.

Dawn McGill (v/o):
…ended? *sigh*

And FUBAR succeeds, falling way short of the mark and putting himself through the timekeeper’s table.

Back in the ring, Halitosis finally tags in Baron Von Munchke who promptly slaps the dreaded clawhold on SNAFU who spends most of the sixth minute of the match trying to escape.

SNAFU finally does but then Von Munchke surprised him with a submission move called the Prussian Sleeper.   With FUBAR still laying in a heap outside the ring, SNAFU’s chances of survival seem slim. That is, until FUBAR miraculously comes back to life and breaks the hold.

SNAFU tags FUBAR in. Von Munchke drubs FUBAR with the watermelon the German uses to practice the Clawhold and unluckily for FUBAR a seed gets stuck in his eye. Von Munchke tags Halitosis back in. Halitosis breathes on a blinded FUBAR and literally knocks him out. Halitosis goes top rope and hits an Imploding Senton Bomb. Cover. SNAFU runs in and gets stuck in Von Munchke’s clawhold again. The referee counts to three.

WINNER at 7:32: Halitosis and Baron Von Munchke with Dr. Bill

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Halitosis and Baron Von Munchke are victorious here at PCW End of the World.

[Dr. Bill is jumping up and down in the ring like he’s won the title.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
*Sigh* I really hate Dr. Bill. Okay. Let’s go back to earlier in the week when Dawn McGill held a press conference to announce tonight’s special attraction main event match between High Octane Wrestling and WrestleUTA star Scott Stevens and High Octane Wrestling and PCW alumni ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay.

=========================

TUESDAY PRESS CONFERENCE

[CUT TO: Replay of Tuesday’s Press Conference…Dawn McGill is seated behind a table. She speaks.]

Dawn McGill: …I confirmed with Yamamoto Tanaka’s representative last night that everything is a go for him to fly in Sunday for the show so, hell yes, I’m pleased with how the card turned out. We’re looking forward to a great show Sunday night.

Female Voice Off Screen: Hold on Dawn.

Johnny Suave (v/o): And then, Jill Berg came out. 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.

[Jill Berg strides out.]

“JILLLLL-BERG…JILLLLL-BERG…”

Johnny Suave (v/o): Berg then confronted McGill about being left off the PCW Reunion Show card.

[Jill addresses McGill.]

Jill Berg: …I was the only UNDEFEATED PCW champion ever. I deserve to be in the champions match Dawn and you know it.

Dawn McGill: No.

Jill Berg: What if I sweetened the deal?

[Dawn crosses her arms defensively.]

Dawn McGill: You got one over on me earlier this year Jill. I’m not going to do it again.

Jill Berg: I’m serious Dawn. What if I brought out…

Johnny Suave (v/o): And then she brought…HIM…out.

[Presumptive Republican front runner Donald Trump appears with his entourage and causes McGill to do a doubletake. Berg grins as Trump strides to the podium.]

Jill Berg: That’s right. I give you Donald Trump.

[Trump goes up to McGill.]

Donald Trump: I am here today to announce that I am personally bankrolling a SPECIAL ATTRACTION MAIN EVENT MATCH to take place following the PCW Champion’s Match. My paper please?

[One of Trump’s lackeys rushes over and hands him a piece of paper. Trump squints to read it.]

Donald Trump: Okay. I don’t know who typed this and why they used this font…but they’re fired!

[The unlucky lackey hangs his head, turns, and walks out.]

Donald Trump: Now, back to business. I, Donald Trump, the Greatest Leader Ever which is why I’m running for President, will prove that I’m the Greatest Leader Ever by bringing in Scott Stevens from High Octane Wrestling and WrestleUTA for a Special Attraction Match against [Trump leans over to Berg] Kevin Costner?

[Berg shakes her head no.]

Jill Berg: Tin Cup Ray McAvay.

Donald Trump: Right. Against the Tin Cup guy who’s not really Kevin Costner.

[McGill looks intrigued.]

Jill Berg: Well Dawn? What do you think?

Dawn McGill: I’ll accept Mr. Trump’s offer but you’re still not wrestling Sunday night.

Donald Trump: Deal!

Jill Berg: What?

[Trump hastily shakes Dawn’s hand.]

Donald Trump (to Jill): It’s the ‘art of the deal.’ Sometimes, you just take what you can.

[CUT BACK TO: The broadcast table with Suave and McGill.]

Johnny Suave:
So that’s how the Special Attraction Match came to be- thanks to Donald Trump.  [Suave turns to McGill.]  You’re not seriously going to drag Jill Berg out of the ring if she shows up tonight?

[McGill glances back at Suave and shrugs.]

Johnny Suave:
The last thing you need to be is see ‘action’ tonight.  However, we can show a match involving Dawn McGill that took place over six years ago at the WWR Supershow. 

Dawn McGill:
Right Johnny.  This feud started a few months before in Dream Wrestling when Mike Best won the Dream Women’s title from Miss USA.  My friend ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin had commented on the EWTorch site about the way Mike was finishing his matches with women wrestlers-

Johnny Suave:
By kicking them in the mommy parts.

[McGill rolls her eyes.]

Dawn McGill:
Yes Johnny.  By kicking them in the mommy parts.  In case you didn’t know, we kind of call them vaginas but that’s beside’s the point.  By the way, trivia question.  Who was the first female wrestler Mike did that to? 

[…]

Dawn McGill:
Kelly Evans.  Who right now is doing a helluva bang up job of running Defiance Wrestling.  But, back to the story, things continued to escalate over the summer and built up to this match at the WWR Supershow in August of 2009.  When I defeated Tim Shipley for the HOW LSD title in 2010, that was the high point of my career and probably the biggest thing I’ll always be remembered for in HOW.  But my favorite match was this one with Mike Best.  Mike was just really becoming a big star at this point of his career.  Then there was the other great talents involved in the match.  I remember having ‘The Hellcat’ Kirsta Lewis of High Octane Wrestling, Valora Salinas of Wrestling Midwest, and Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion Miss USA in my corner.  Mike had Level-One and Jak Nemesis in hers.  It was a circus.  A total complete circus and God, it was fun.

============================

DAWN McGILL vs. MICHAEL BEST- REPLAY FROM WWR SUPERSHOW (August 2009)

*Yes, Please by Muse plays*

Suave:
So here we are.

[A cascading wall of boos greets Michael Best as he reluctantly makes his way up the aisle with Level-One and Jak Nemesis.]

Suave:
One half of Dream’s Tag Team champions and the Dream Wrestling Women’s titleholder.  Best
right now is either living out the ultimate heel fantasy where practically EVERYONE in the building wants to see your ass get kicked three days to Sunday… OR…he feels like he’s walking into the lion’s den.  Probably a little bit of both.

Crowd:
DAWN’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)  DAWN’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)”

[Best ate it up.  He cupped his hand up against an ear and played deaf which only riled the crowd up even more.] 

*opening guitar licks to the Beastie Boys ‘Sabotage’ play*

Suave:
THE CROWD STANDS AS THE SIX FOOT DEMOLITION MACHINE IN A SHORT SKIRT COMES OUT!

[Dawn McGill, accompanied by ‘The Hellcat’ Kirsta Lewis of High Octane Wrestling, Simcoe County Championship Wrestling, Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation, Valora Salinas of Wrestling Midwest, and the undisputed Missouri Valley Wrestling Champion Miss USA all climb into the ring.]

[McGill and Best glare hard at each other.  But it’s WMW’s Valora who starts in on Best.] 

Suave:
And the trash talking begins.  The referee is going to have a hell of a time keeping this one under control.

[Best takes a tentative step towards WMW’s Queen of Hardcore but McGill moves right away to cut him off.  Best wisely retreats back to his corner and confers with his second’s Level-One and Jak Nemesis.]

[…]

Suave:
THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS!  BUT I DON’T THINK NEITHER McGILL OR BEST ARE PAYING MUCH ATTENTION TO THE CROWD RIGHT NOW.  McGILL HAS HER SINGAPORE CANE AT THE READY!

[The bell rings.]

Suave:
THERE’S THE BELL!  McGILL COMES RIGHT OUT AFTER BEST!

[McGill swings the Singapore cane…*THWACK*]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP! THAT SENT BEST STAGGERING ACROSS THE RING…*THWACK*  ANOTHER ONE!  McGILL’S TRYING TO FILET BEST’S BACK!

[Best immediately drops down and rolls out of the ring.  The crowd lets him have it.]

Crowd:
DAWN’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)  DAWN’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) 

[Best pounds the ring apron and then notices Valora is a little too close for comfort.  He relocates himself back to his corner and once again discusses strategy with Level-One and Nemesis.  Best grabs a steel folding chair and climbs back in.]

Suave:
Best back in…again…they’re talking back and forth at each other.  McGill is practically begging him to come after her.  Best is being a little more cautious right now.

[Best rushes in with the chair.  He swings.  McGill’s not there.  *CLANK*  The chair hits the corner ringpost.  Best again charges.  McGill grabs the arm and hits the armdrag takedown.  The chair goes flying across the ring.]

Suave:
McGILL WITH THE ARMDRAG TAKEDOWN!  HE CHARGES McGILL AGAIN…ANOTHER ARMDRAG TAKEDOWN!

[McGill adjusts her knee brace and waits.  Best charges a third time.  Dawn holds on to the arm into an arm wringer.  She pulls Mike towards her and lifts him up.]

Suave:
McGILL HAS A FIREMAN’S CARRY…BODY SLAM! 

[Again, Best slams his hand down and rolls out of the ring.]

[Best tries to sneak around but Lewis is right there to stop that.  He hurries back around and gets back into the ring.]

Suave:
Mike almost seems a little rattled right now.  You can tell he’s trying to think his way through this.

[Best suddenly launches himself at McGill…flying shoulder block sends her to the mat.]   

Suave:
McGill on the canvas.  She’s back to her feet and…SHE TACKLES BEST!

[McGill pummels his head.]

Suave:
THE CROWD AGAIN GOING NUTS!  NOW McGILL HAS AN CHOKEHOLD ON BEST!

[McGill goes with the Rear Triangle Choke.  Best powers up and McGill releases the hold.  Best clutches his neck.  He takes a wild left hand swing and missies badly.  McGill throws a left and connects sending Best reeling into her corner.]

Suave:
Bad place to be.  THERE’S KIRSTA LEWIS!  WHOA!

[Lewis cold-cocks Best and sends him right back to McGill.  Dawn nails him with another left and sends him back to Lewis.]

Suave:
Best looks like a duck caught in a firing range.

[Lewis grabs a barbed wire covered baseball bat and swings at Best.  He ducks…McGill has to duck…even Miss USA and Valora must duck.  McGill takes the opening and swings her foot hard, connecting with Best’s private area.  *CLANK*  Best grins and pulls down the front of his trunks enough to show a metal codpiece is protecting his crown jewels.  McGill motions to Valora who reaches down and throws her a taser.]

Suave:
Oh…no…no, no…  *ZZZZAP*  HOLY CRAP!

[Mike starts hopping up and down, desperately trying to remove the codpiece…he finally does.]

[McGill then hits a standing dropkick and Best tumbles through the ropes to the floor.]

Suave:
THE CROWD IS LOVING THIS SO FAR.  McGILL ON THE FLOOR…SHE WHIPS BEST INTO THE STEEL GUARDRAIL!

[Level-One and Jak Nemesis take tentative steps forward but step back when Lewis, Valora, and Miss USA respond in kind.  McGill gets a chair. *CLANG* He takes out the referee. *CLANG* Down goes Best. McGill throws the chair down and again pulls Best back up. Chop across the chest. A second one. McGill whips Best into the steel guardrail. Best flips over the guardrail into the crowd.]

Suave:
This has been all McGill so far.

[McGill is handed a cup of beer. Beer shot to Best. Cookie sheet is next. *WHACK* The cookie sheet is bent at a ninety degree angle after McGill uses it. Cheese grater.  McGill rubs the cheese grater across Best’s forehead cutting him open.]

Suave:
CHEESE GRATER!  CHEESE GRATER!

[The crowd parts and creates a corridor as McGill pushes Best towards the concession stand. McGill throws Best head first into the edge of the stand. Best finally fights back and pushes McGill away. He tries to fire some shots at McGill. McGill goes hammerlock and then reverses into a side headlock. Best reverses into an arm wringer. McGill can’t break the hold so she punches Best in the mouth. McGill grabs a squeeze bottle full of ketchup and squirts it in Best’s eyes. McGill again chokes out Best.]

Suave:
Best’s taken a lot of punishment. How much more can she…say, what is Miss USA doing over there with that rope?

[Miss USA throws a rope over a beam and catches it on the other side. McGill drives Best towards Miss USA. McGill gets another chair. *CLANG* Best staggers. McGill pushes him down at Miss USA’s feet. Miss USA loops the rope around Best’s feet. She pulls the rope on the other side and Best goes into the air feet first.]

Suave:
Well, this can’t be good.  Best’s strung up like a human pinata.

[McGill gets a chair, winds up, and whacks Best with it.]

Suave:
McGILL’S GOING TO BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF HIM! *CLANG* HOLY CRAP! *CLANG*

[The crowd roars.]

Suave:
A THIRD SHOT. BEST’S A SITTING DUCK…OR A HANGING DUCK…OR WHATEVER…HERE COMES LEVEL-ONE!

[Level-One runs down and swipes the chair from McGill. *CLANG* McGill staggers backwards. Miss USA makes a run at Level-One. *CLANG* And falls backward as well. McGill gets up and charges again. *CLANG* McGill pirouettes and then collapses.]

Suave:
LEVEL-ONE CLEANS HOUSE. HE’S CUTTING DOWN BEST AND I DON’T THINK BEST KNOWS WHERE HE’S AT RIGHT NOW!

[Level-One guides Best back towards the ring. McGill gets up a few seconds later.]

[Best gets about halfway up the aisle and stops.  Kirsta Lewis is now in the ring AND waiting…with a nail gun at the ready.  The crowd roars.]

Suave:
NAIL GUN!  THE HELLCAT HAS A NAIL GUN.  SHE’S BRINGING OUT THE HEAVY ARTILLERY!

[Best mouths ‘fuck this’ and heads back towards the locker room.  The crowd boos him incessantly but he continues on.]

Suave:
Best’s had enough and he’s headed to the back.

[He disappears and then a few seconds later reemerges walking backward.  Then Angels of Death- Angel Casey and Angel Scott, Kathryn Randall Collins, Weathergirl Hallie, Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen, ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas- all with assorted sundry weapons, follow and herd him back to the ring.]

Suave:
HE’S NOT GOING TO GET AWAY! 

[Dawn asks for and receives a microphone.]

Dawn:
Come on, Mikey.  Kirsta’s putting the nail gun away.  It’s safe for you to come in.

[She grins as Best slowly advances on.]

[The second Best gets back in the ring, he executes a flying knee drop to McGill’s midsection. Best climbs to the top. McGill gets hit with the shooting star press.  He covers…1 …2 McGill kicks out.]

Suave:
Best with a stiff right hand!

Crowd:
BOOOOOO!

Suave:
McGill fires a left right back at him.

Crowd:
YESSSSSSSSSS!

Suave:
Now it’s Best with another right hand.

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOO!

Suave:
McGill with another left!

Crowd:
YEAAAAAAAAAAA!

Suave:
Best!

Crowd:
BOOOOOO!

Suave:
Best!

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOO!

Suave:
McGill!

Crowd:
YEAAAAAAAAAAA!

[McGill goes for a slam but she gets picked up and dropped with the fireman’s carry by Best.  He follows with a diving elbow smash and stomps McGill’s head.]

[Best rakes his fingers across McGill’s back.  Now he goes up top…Flying Tomahawk sends McGill down to the mat.  Best kicks in the back of her bad leg. Best stands up. Best hits McGill with a double underhook piledrive right into the mat. Best sends McGill to ringside.  Best chokes McGill with a microphone cable.  He releases her and she falls to the floor.  Best follows with a fist drop.  McGill retaliates with a sharp elbow to the midsection.  She rakes her fingers across Best’s eyes.  Best pulls McGill’s hair.]

Suave:
They are throwing everything but the kitchen sink at each other!  Watch out…Suplex on the way…wham!” 

[McGill gets tiger suplexed by Best.  McGill moves back to her feet and drives a forearm into the head of Best. She pins Best against the ropes and chokes him with her forearm.  McGill bounces Best off the ropes and sitdown face slams him onto the mat.]

Suave:
Best has taken a lot of punishment in the early going.  But he’s still in there and showing some heart.

[Lockup.  McGill sends Best to the corner of the ring.  McGill follows with a high crossbody.  McGill steps back and lets Best get up.  She then hits the ropes and nails Best with a huge slingshot somersault splash.  Cover.  One…two…kick out.  McGill slaps on the camel clutch on Best.  Best powers out.]

Suave:
Amazing action.  Best with a right hand to the face.  Best now drives a forearm into the head of McGill.

[Best snaps up the arm and takes her down with a corkscrew armdrag.  Best back into the ropes.  High crossbody on McGill. Best covers.  One…no…McGill quickly kicks out.]

[McGill wraps her hands around Best to try for a belly-to-belly suplex. Best blocks it and throws her down. Best schoolboys McGill …1 …2  McGill again kicks out.  Best pulls her up and locks in the abdominal stretch.]  

Suave:
Best is going to try and wear her down.

[McGill manages to escape.  Best clotheslines her.  He kicks away at McGill and then puts her in an arm grapevine submission.  Best knees McGill and rolls back to his feet. When McGill stands,  he delivers a stiff inverted powerbomb that sends McGill hard to the mat. Moonsault follows. Best covers.  One…two…McGill gets out.  She attempts a cradle DDT but Best avoids it.  Best locks McGill in a full nelson and slams her to the mat. McGill climbs to her feet and uncorks a superkick on Best.  Recovering quickly, Best throws McGill off the ropes and hits a cross-body block.  He goes to an arm wrench to ground McGill.  She uses her power to rise up; Best uses a legsweep faceslam to bring her right back down.]

Suave:
Dawn’s not moving as crisply as she was earlier on.  That knee, injured while she was an Army Ranger serving her country in Iraq, simply can’t stand up to the constant punishment.  That’s why Dawn’s never been a full time wrestler.  Best has fought a very smart match so far.  He withstood the initial onslaught he knew was coming.  And like the Ali-Foreman fight, he was smart enough to let his opponent tire themselves out.  The longer this match goes on; the better for Mike Best.  He may be in the driver’s seat right now.

[Best continues to grind.  He finds the metal codpiece from earlier in the match and starts jamming it hard into McGill’s bad knee.  McGill tries to claw her way to the ropes.  Best yanks her legs back and then stands and slaps on the figure four leglock.]

Suave:
FIGURE FOUR!  BEST HAS IT LOCKED ON!

[McGill attempts to flip Best over and reverse the effect.]

Suave:
BEST’S HANGING ON…

[Level-One and Jak Nemesis urge him on.  Kirsta Lewis and Valora Salinas shout out encouragement to Dawn.  McGill continues to inch closer to the ropes.]

Suave: BACK KICK BY McGILL!  SHE REACHES THE ROPES BUT HER KNEE IN INJURED…SHE CAN BARELY STAND UP!” 

[McGill clutches the ropes.  Best advances and she takes a couple wild swings that miss.  Best kicks at the bad knee and McGill loses her footing.]

Suave:
She’s back down and now, Best is dragging her to his corner.  This can’t be good.

[Best and Level-One put her in the Tree of Woe.  Nemesis hands Best a chair and holds on to one leg.  L-1 holds the other.  *CLANG*  Best brings the full force of the chair on Dawn’s bad knee.] 

Suave:
HOLY CRAP!”  *CLANG*  *CLANG*  *CLANG*  SOMEONE STOP HIM!” 

[Lewis inches into the ring and gets the referee’s attention.  This allows Best to continue to whack away at the knee with the chair.] 

Suave:
STOP HIM DAMMIT!

[Dawn topples off the corner and holds her knee in severe pain.  Best grins and motions to Level-One and Nemesis.  They come in and drag Dawn back to the corner and hold each of her arms.   Best places her right foot on the lower turnbuckle, then the other.] 

Suave:
STOP HIM!

[Best backs up a couple steps.  Then he charges forward and winds up with his foot.  Suddenly, in a blur his back is on the canvas and the crowd is going crazy.]

Suave:
WAIT A MINUTE!  SOMEONE JUMPED IN THE RING AND…TESSA?

[As the crowd thunders in the background, ‘The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin stands over Best, oversized pizza box in hand.] 

Suave:
SHE JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL TODAY.  SHE JUST TOOK BEST’S HEAD OFF WITH THE PIZZA BOX!  HOLD ON!  THAT’S LORA KIRK!  SHE’S IN THE RING!  REAR CHOKEHOLD ON BEST! 

[Tessa quickly exits.  Level-One and Nemesis attack KirK.  Kirsta Lewis and Valora leap into the ring and it’s on.] 

Suave:
NOW TRAVIS WILLIAMS AND CANCER JILES …ANGELS OF DEATH…KRC…ALL THE MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLERS ARE STREAMING IN!  IT’S A FREAKIN’ FREE FOR ALL!

[The referee calls for the bell and throws the match out.  A conga line of security personnel run down to the ring as Best, Level-One, and Nemesis are overwhelmed by sheer numbers.]  

Suave:
SECURITY IS OUT TO TRY AND GET BEST OUT OF HERE.  MEDICAL EMT’S ARE ATTENDING TO DAWN McGILL.

[Two security people help escort Best from the ring.  Valora tries to get at him.  She’s blocked by another security guard.  She grabs his arm and Border Tosses him over the top rope and through the announcer’s table.]

WINNER: No contest at 22:06

============================

PCW FLASHBACK
Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub Segment- November 2012

Bill Clinton glumly sits in his hot tub waiting for Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell (R), alone, and flanked by two Secret Service men.  Off to the side of the hot tub lies a ladybug costume.

Clinton:
I don’t know what else I could have done.  I even brought her a ladybug costume just so she’ll feel comfortable.   *sigh*

Secret Service Agent 1:
I don’t think Miss O’Donnell is coming sir.

Clinton:
This makes me profoundly sad.  (bites lip)  I feel my pain.

Lady’s voice:
WAIT!  WAIT!

Suave:
Who the-

Fmr White House Correspondent Helen Thomas

Suave:
Oh.  My.  God.

Bill Clinton takes one look at Helen as she whips off her robe in front of him.

Clinton:
Oh…my….God…

Helen:
I’ll guest on your show!

Clinton:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

===========================

‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL’ TESSA MARTIN vs. ‘SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT GENIUS’ MR. McMANN

[Back live with ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann in the ring.]

Mr. McMann:
Well hello PCW!  Do you remember me?

[The crowd unloads on McMann- who’s proudly proclaimed on several occasions that he was the one who killed PCW for good.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Unfortunately…yes.

Mr. McMann:
Of course you know who I am.  I am the ‘Sports Entertainment Genius.’  I know exactly what each and every one of you want to see inside a wrestling ring.  But most of all, I’m the one who finally put this God-forsaken dinosaur into extinction.  I’m the one who put PCW out of business. Why? Because PCW refused to listen to my genius. I know what all you want to see. I know what works. And a prime example of someone who should have listened to me was Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. Remember her?

[The crowd cheers loudly for the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
You mean the former PCW Women’s Champion?  You mean one-half of the current Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team champion?

Mr. McMann:
Of course not. No one remembers her. She could have been a star. She could have been a big, big star. But she didn’t want to do it the right way. The sports entertainment way. Shall we take a trip down memory lane for a second?

(REPLAY: 9/17/2006 PCW LOCK AND LOAD PPV)
[Then “Sports Entertainment Genius” Mr. McMann appears…McMann waves to the back.]

Mr. McMann:
Come on out Tessa.

[Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin, a fresh faced young wrestler just getting her start, walks to the ring.]

Mr. McMann:
Ladies and gentlemen. You’re about to see just what real sports entertainment is all about.

[The crowd doesn’t seem all that impressed. Tessa, dressed in her usual pizza delivery attire, climbs into the ring. Two ring techs wheel out what appears to be a stripper’s pole.

Mr. McMann:
This is Tessa Martin and she will be the new face of what sports entertainment will be in PCW! Soap opera for men. More skin. More chicks. More eye candy. Mud wrestling matches. Bras and panties matches…

[Tessa doesn’t look too sure about this.]

Mr. McMann:
The first official act of the new ‘sports entertainment era in PCW’ will be kissing this red-blooded American girl.

Johnny Suave:
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WRESTLING?

[Tessa feels the same way and she refuses to have anything to do with kissing McMann.]

Mr. McMann:
That’s okay. I have a better idea anyways. Instead, how about doing a striptease for all the fans.

[Tessa’s eyes widen.]

Tessa Martin:
Ah excuse me. You never said anything about kissing…or stripping…or anything like that.

Mr. McMann:
Look Tessa. I like your look. In fact, I’ll like it even better after you strip. This is what Sports Entertainment is all about! Give the people what they want! Right?

[The crowd again voices their disagreement.]

[CUT BACK LIVE- ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin is in the ring now with McMann holding her oversized pizza box of doom.]

Tessa Martin:
Um…no. McMann, you still don’t get it don’t you?

[McMann is momentarily caught off-guard.  He recovers and turns to Tessa.]

Mr. McMann:
Look. It’s the journeywoman wrestler who never achieved her full potential.

Tessa Martin:
Look.  It’s the pretentious, self-important douchebag who thinks he knows everything about pro wrestling.

Mr. McMann:
Tess, admit it. I was right. No one wants to see women wrestling. Everyone wants to see women ‘strut their stuff’ if you know what I mean.

Tessa Martin:
I’m a pro wrestler, McMann. I’m not eye candy. I’m not your eye candy.  I’m not anyone’s eye candy.

Mr. McMann:
You blew it Tess. I could have made you a mega-star.

Tessa Martin:
I think my career turned out just fine.

[Tess smiles and steps a little closer.]

Tessa Martin:
McMann, do you remember how that segment ended nine years ago?

[McMann shakes his head no.]

Tessa Martin:
Let me remind you then.

[She immediately drops the oversized pizza box, drops to a knee and grabs his testicles with her hand.]

Mr. McMann:
AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Johnny Suave (v/o):
YES! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW! HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW!

[McMann turns four shades of red before dropping to his knees.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
GO TESS GO!

[Tess relaxes the hold and grabs her oversized pizza box of doom. She winds up and plasters McMann in the face with the box driving him onto his back.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
YES!

Dawn McGill (v/o):
Referee Davey Keels slides into the ring.

[Tess hooks the legs. Keels counts…1…2…3]

WINNER at :24  ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin 

================

BACKSTAGE

[CUT TO: PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein in the back.]

Woodward Bernstein:
Okay. With me now is someone who will be very familiar to PCW fans over the years. At the PCW vs. EECW War in March 2007, he won the provisional PCW title. He finally arose to the top in September 2012 and won the PCW title outright. He’s definitely a polarizing figure. Please welcome, the Angry Highway Warrior- Road Rage Randy aka TRIPLE R!

[Triple R glides sideways into the shot…kind of. He’s put on a few pounds since his last PCW match.]

Woodward Bernstein:
Triple R. You’re here tonight even though Dawn McGill removed you from the card and won’t let you wrestle-

[Triple R grabs the microphone from Bernstein and begins to talk. He’s half in, half out of the shot.]

Triple R:
Shut the fuck up! This is a joke. I, who by rights should be the greatest PCW wrestler ever except that I’ve been screwed over every single step of the way, deserve to be out there with Yamamoto Tanaka, Stone Chism, Chris Escondido, and Justin Sufferable because NONE of them can hold my jock strap. I am getting screwed here. I’ve lost track of all the times that I was screwed out of the PCW title. And then I finally win the damn thing and the company closes up.

[Bernstein gently retrieves the microphone back from Triple R.]

Woodward Bernstein:
Could it be that the reason they can’t hold your jock strap is because you’ve put on so much weight since PCW closed down?

[It takes a second for Triple R to get the reference.]

Triple R:
WHAT? I’m in the best fucking shape ever.

[The camera man steps back to try to get Triple R into the whole picture. He gets about three quarters of him in the shot.]

Triple R:
Yeah, I might have put on a couple pounds since then. But so what? Have you seen fucking Beautiful Bobby Dean at WrestleUTA? He weighs even more than I do. I’m still the best wrestler who’s ever competed in PCW. I deserve to be out there more than that prissy, pants suit wearing business lady Jill Berg does.

[Triple R bends down a little and stares right at the camera.]

Triple R:
YOU LISTEN TO ME DAWN McGILL! PUT ME IN THE MATCH! I DESERVE IT. MY FANS DESERVE IT! MAKE IT HAPPEN!

[And with that, Triple R and the small planetary satellites orbiting around him in synchronous rotation exit the scene.]

Triple R (off screen):
THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

Woodward Bernstein (trying to surpress a smile):
Back to you Johnny.

[CUT TO: Suave and McGill at the broadcast desk.]

Johnny Suave:
Dawn?

Dawn McGill:
Okay. Did you see how much weight he’s put on? There’s no way I’m letting him put others, and himself, in danger.  Forget it. 

Johnny Suave:
Okay.  Going back in time again.  PCW has seen its fair share of invasions.  The Green World Order.  Mr. McMann’s EECW vs. PCW War.  Mr. McMann’s Domination Inc. Invasion.  But perhaps the most unique invasion wasn’t really much of an invasion at all.  In 2010, Linda McMahon, wife of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, showed up in PCW.

(REPLAY: 3/22/2010 PCW Extreme Political TV)
Crowd:
PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Johnny Suave:
HELLO AND WELCOME TO P…C…W!

Crowd:
PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Johnny Suave:
TONIGHT, WE COME TO YOU ON MONDAY-

Crowd:
RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Johnny Suave:
…BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS PUTTING OUT ANYTHING WORTHWHILE ON MONDAY NIGHTS SO PCW THOUGHT THAT THEY WOULD!

Crowd – RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Johnny Suave:
TONIGHT, WE’VE GOT FOUR TAG TEAMS TRYING TO ANGLE THEMSELVES INTO TITLE CONTENTION.  WE’VE GOT A TELEVISION TITLE MATCH BETWEEN KEN WORTH-THE AMERICAN TRUCKER AND CHALLENGER AL CAHALL FROM D.W.I.  WE’VE GOT-

*No Chance in Hell begins to play*

“No Chance…that’s what you’ve got
Up against a machine too strong
Pretty politicians buying souls from us are PUPPETS
Who’ll find their place in line”

Johnny Suave:
WHAT THE HELL?  THAT CAN’T BE WHO I THINK IT IS.

“But tie a string around your finger now boy
’cause it’s, it’s just a matter of time
’cause you’ve got…”

[Linda McMahon appears at the back.]

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“No chance…
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance’
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance’
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance
No chance in hell!”

Johnny Suave:
LINDA McMAHON?  HERE?

Come on, come on, come and get it! (Come on)
Come on, come on, come and get it! (Come on)
Come on, come on, come and get it! (Come on)
Come on, come on, come and get it! (Come on)

[McMahon slowly walks to the ring.]

“No chance (yeah)
No chance
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance
No chance in hell, (you’ve got)
No chance
No chance in hell! Yeah!”

[McMahon climbs into the ring and takes the microphone away from Suave.]

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
SHUT UP!  As you know, I have put my hat in the ring for the PCW Executive committee.  My husband, someone who’s little pinkie knows more about running a wrestling company than the pretenders who write this dreck every week, is helping me by removing all aspects of the excesses of pro wrestling from his product.  That means no more blood…

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
…that means no more bra and panties…

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
…pillow and mud wrestling…

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
and stripper pole matches!

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Johnny Suave:
Yeah, but their women’s division is still a joke!

Linda McMahon:
Finally, in order to help my effort and to make wrestling more family friendly, my husband has banned chair shots to the head…

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
…and putting people through tables.

Crowd:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Linda McMahon:
And another thing, if you actually think this abortion of a wrestling promotion can actually compete against my husband’s wrestling company, my first reaction is, I don’t think we need to create any more new wrestling companies.  I think we have enough wrestling companies as it is.

Crowd:
PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Linda McMahon:
So, I will be on hand tonight to observe your little flea circus to see just how family friendly it is.

[Linda hands the microphone back to Suave.]

Johnny Suave:
Well?  That shouldn’t take too long.

[CUT TO: Suave and McGill live.]

Dawn McGill:
It was surreal seeing Linda in a PCW ring.  It was even more surreal when Triple-

Johnny Suave:
Unh, unh, unhhhhhh.

[McGill sighs.]

Dawn McGill:
Vince McMahon, Paul Levesque, and his wife Stephanie would show up at Extreme Election Night 2010 later on in the year as well. 

Johnny Suave:
Let’s take it back to 2010.  Linda McMahon versus Richard Blumenthal.

====================

From PCW Extreme Election Night 2010- 11/2/10 LINDA McMAHON (R) vs. RICHARD BLUMENTHAL (D)

[Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.]

Kimber:
Our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit.  Introducing first, in the blue corner from the State of Connecticut, representing the Democrats- RICHARD BLUMENTHAL!

[Blumenthal raises his hands in the air in the blue corner.]

Kimber:
And his opponent, in the red corner, Republican- LINDA McMAHON!

[McMahon stares down Blumenthal from her corner. Vince McMahon joins Linda McMahon at ringside and immediately starts talking to the referee as the match begins ]

Suave:
I am so looking forward to this one.  Blumenthal versus McMahon.

[The bell rings.]

Suave:
Blumenthal comes out cautiously…McMahon circles…quick lockup.  Blumenthal drives McMahon to the ropes…

[McMahon dips her arm under the top rope.  Blumenthal goes to follow up but Vince McMahon trips him up.]

Suave- Are here we go.  I still can’t believe that the chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon, is here in PCW.

[Blumenthal moves back to his feet and glares at Vince McMahon. He then puts Linda McMahon in the hangman submission.  Vince in the ring and pulls him off.   Vince clocks Blumenthal with a closed fist and the referee literally has to pull him off.  Vince is sent out of the ring but he stays on the apron and continues a running dialogue with the referee.]

Suave- I think he’s saying that’s not how they do things in the WWE.

[Meanwhile, Vince McMahon continues a running commentary to the referee who appears to be getting tired of it. Blumenthal comes back with a swinging DDT and covers. 1…2…Vince in and makes the save.  Vince with the chair.  *WHAP*  Blumenthal’s down.  Linda’s not in a position to make the cover.  And the referee stops the match.  He goes over to Vince and points to the back.]

Suave- WHAT IS HE DOING?  HE’S SENDING VINCE McMAHON TO THE BACK!

[The crowd roars and Vince is livid. But once PCW security arrives he walks with them to the back.]

Suave:
And the referee restarts the match.

[A slap from Linda McMahon quickly raises the intensity level.]

Suave:
WHOA!  I think that got Blumenthal’s attention.  He comes forward…

[Blumenthal gets caught with a barrage of kicks from McMahon.   He backs up and recovers.]

Suave:
Blumenthal with an armbar…

[McMahon immediately grabs on to the ropes.]

Suave:
…but McMahon once again makes the ropes and the referee calls for the break.

[McMahon then charges right into a dropkick by Blumenthal.  He ducks a wild right and responds with a spin kick and takes her off her feet.   Blumenthal throws McMahon out of the ring and climbs the turnbuckle.]

Suave:
I’m not sure this is the brightest idea!

[Blumenthal dives and splashes McMahon to the floor.  Blumenthal throws her back into the ring.  Kick to the balls by McMahon.]

Suave:
Yeah, that’ll slow you down.  McMahon going outside…

[She grabs a chair and throws it back into the ring.]

Suave:
Hold on a second.  Hitting someone with a chair isn’t very PG!

[McMahon whaps Blumenthal with the chair.   She pulls him up into a side headlock and hits a DDT.  Cover.  One…two…kickout.]

Suave:
Blumenthal kicks out at two.   McMahon goes for a clothesline…Blumenthal ducks…McMahon off the ropes…goes for a takedown…Blumenthal reverses…he tries to take her down…McMahon reverses…KICK TO THE BALLS!  AGAIN!

[Blumenthal doubles over.  McMahon grabs the chair and waffles him with it.  Roll up.]

Suave:
ANOTHER COVER!

[One…two…another kickout by Blumenthal.  McMahon to the outside.  Blumenthal with the baseball slide and takes McMahon down to the floor hard.  Now it’s Blumenthal who grabs a chair.  He raises it…he starts to swing…HE’S STOPPED?]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP!  HOLY F@#$#@ CRAP!  THAT’S TRIPLE-…ER…THAT’S PAUL LEVESQUE!  HE’S HERE!  IN PCW!

Crowd:
HOLY @#$#!  HOLY #$#@!  HOLY !@@#!

[Levesque grabs the chair from Blumenthal who wisely returns to the ring.  The crowd goes off again when a female comes out and helps McMahon up.]

Suave:
WHAT THE @#$#…THAT’S STEPHANIE McMAHON…LEVESQUE!

[Blumenthal back in the ring.   Stephanie checks on Linda.  The elder McMahon then steps back into the ring.]

Suave:
Blumenthal looks a little unsure…kind of like that time Linda asked him how one creates a job.

[They battle on the corner.  McMahon connects with a knee strike and a second one.  Blumenthal blocks a third one and hits a slingshot senton followed by a backbreaker.   McMahon hurls herself into the ropes but Blumenthal reverses a crossbody in midair into a power slam.  He covers.  McMahon kicks out at two.]

Suave:
Linda’s throwing everything she can at Blumenthal.

[Blumenthal with another armbar.  McMahon tries to reach the ropes but comes up a bit short.  Levesque hops up on the apron and pulls McMahon to the ropes.]

Suave:
McMahon gets saved by her son-in-law Triple-…er…I mean, Paul Levesque!

[McMahon back in action…she goes for a knockout kick.  Blumenthal ducks, spins her around, and slaps on the sleeper hold.]

Suave:
SLEEPER!  SLEEPER HOLD!

[McMahon tries to reach the ropes but Blumenthal keeps her right in the center of the ring.]

Suave:
McMAHON’S IN TROUBLE!  SHE’S TOO FAR FROM THE ROPES…Oh, no.

[Levesque pulls out a sledgehammer and climbs up on the apron behind Blumenthal.  He climbs into the ring and raises the sledgehammer.  Levesque swings…Blumenthal ducks at the last second…and McMahon gets clocked by her son-in-law.]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP!

[Levesque can’t believe it.  Mrs. Levesque can’t believe it.  McMahon’s out cold.  Blumenthal makes the cover…one…two…three.]

WINNER: Richard Blumenthal (D) @ 11:49

[Levesque checks on Linda.  Then he glares at Blumenthal who wisely decides to make haste to the back.  Vince McMahon runs back down and decks the referee.  PCW security again swarm to the ring and McMahon is escorted out of the arena.]

=====================

[CUT TO: Suave and McGill at the broadcast desk.]

Johnny Suave:
Let’s go back to the ring and Kimber Marshall for our next match.

[CUT TO: Kimber Marshall ready to go.]

Kimber Marshall:
Ladies and gentlemen. Our next match is a Tornado Tag Elimination Match! Our first team.

[Two men dressed in luchador wrestling gear, each swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels weave their way towards the ring.]

Kimber Marshall:
This tag team held the PCW Tag Team Titles for two years and three months- the longest title reign ever in PCW. Their second title reign lasted an additional seven months. Please welcome PCW Hall of Famers- Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini- The Flying’ Martini Brothers!

Johnny Suave (v/o):
I’ve missed these guys. Their pre-match routine may be a little unorthodox.

[Both Dan and Don Martini chug down the remaining contents of the bottle of Jack. Then they take the empty bottle and smash it over their own heads.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
But it seems to work for them.

Kimber Marshall:
Team number two-

*Spooky music begins followed by a funky beat*

(sing to the tune of ‘Ghostbusters’)
If there’s something grazing
In your neighborhood
Who you gonna call
(Goatbusters)
If you see a herd
And it don’t look good
Who you gonna call
(Goatbusters)

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

If you’re seeing horns
Running through your yard
Who can you call
(Goatbusters)
If you have a goat
Sleeping in your bed
Oh, who you gonna call
(Goatbusters)

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

Who you gonna call
(Goatbusters)
If you’re all alone
Pick up the phone
And call
(Goatbusters)

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I hear it likes the girls
I ain’t afraid of no Goat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Who you gonna call
(Goatbusters)
If you’ve had a dose
Of a freaky Goat
Maybe you’d better call
(Goatbusters)

Let me tell you something
Bustin’ makes me feel good

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

Kimber Marshall:
It’s the team of Peter Jenkman and Ray Scantz.  They are the GOAT-BUSTERS!

[Jenkman and Scantz appear on stage and pose for the crowd. Then they make their way down to the ring and slap the hands of everyone in the front row.]

Kimber Marshall:
Team number three. One of the most politically incorrect tag teams ever to compete in PCW. Led to the ring by General DeBauchery.

[General DeBauchery, looking like a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting a black captain-like WW II hat, smoking a cigar, and grinning obnoxiously, walks towards the ring with his two team members. One wrestler holds a five pack of beer in his hand. The other is smoking a cigarette.]

Kimber Marshall:
Al Cahall. Nic Koteen. Please welcome back- DWI!

[General DeBauchery rolls into the ring with Cahall and Koteen and takes the microphone from Kimber.]

General DeBauchery:
You probably heard we ain’t in the take no prisoner-takin’ business like usual wrasslers; we in the killin’ brewskis business…

[General DeBauchery takes a bottle of beer and chugs it down.]

 General DeBauchery:
And cousin, Business is a-boomin.

[Cahall raises his glass and chugs his beer down.]

General DeBauchery:
That’s what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be drunken warriors, you join Drunken Warriors Inebriated or D.W.I. you take on a debit, a debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one-hundred…

[DeBauchery peels the label off his beer bottle.]

General DeBauchery:
…labels off anything alcoholic you drink.   And I want my labels! And all y’all will get me one-hundred labels taken from the bottles of one-hundred empty bottles… or you will die trying!

Al Cahall:
Here’s mine.

[Cahall hands Col. DeBauchery a plastic bag full of labels. The Martinis motion to the back and a forklift begins driving down with a huge box. A few labels flutter from the box as the forklift reaches ringside.]

General DeBauchery:
Now, that’s what I like to see. As I said, bizness is a booming

[Kimber takes the microphone back.]

Kimber Marshall:
And our fourth team.

[The sound of a pair of motorcycles revving up their engines is heard.]

Kimber Marshall:
From Orange County. Big Paulie. Little Paulie. They are the AMERICAN BIKERS!

[Big Paulie and Little Paulie ride out on their motorcycles and promptly run into each other. Then they start bickering which leads to an intense conversation.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Just another day at the office for the American Bikers. All right, Tornado Tag Elimination Match rules are all wrestlers are allowed to be in the ring at the same time. All wrestlers are vulnerable to having a fall scored against them. The last team standing wins.

===========================================

Tornado Tag Elimination Match/PCW’s Most Memorable Tag Teams: Flying Martini Brothers (Drunken Luchador’s Dave and Dan Martini) vs. The Goatbusters (Peter Jenkman and Ray Scantz) vs. DWI (Al Cahall/Nic Koteen w/General DeBauchery) vs. The American Bikers (Big Paulie/Little Paulie)

Match Summary
With eight men in the ring, the start of the match certainly had a mini-battle royale feel to it. DWI and the Flying Martini Brothers immediately form an alliance and go to work on the Goatbusters. The American Bikers? They continue to argue outside the ring. DWI’s Cahall and Koteen do the heavy lifting in the first minute against Jenkman and Scantz.

Jenkman charges at Don Martini. But the Drunken Luchador staggers right and the Goatbuster slams himself into the corner turnbuckle. Scantz runs at Don Martini and shoulder blocks him through the ropes to the floor. Big Paulie and Little Paulie finally get into the ring. Cahall and Jenkman brawl around the ring. Koteen gets doubleteamed by the American Bikers who finally seem to be on the same page.

The third minute sees Jenkman get the upper hand on Cahall. Jenkman makes a cover; Cahall kicks out. Big Paulie covers Koteen; Cahall makes the save. Little Paulie tries to steamroll Dan Martini but the Drunken Luchador collapses in a heap from too much alcohol and Little Paulie goes flying through the ropes to the outside. Dan Martini then goes top rope…

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Oh…no. I’ve seen this a few times and it doesn’t usually end well.

And Suave is correct. Due to his impaired equilibrium, Dan Martini loses his balance, falls back into the ring, and accidently head butts Big Paulie on the way down. Big Paulie goes down. Koteen hooks the legs and Big Paulie is eliminated in the early seconds of the fourth minute. Of course, Big Paulie is pissed and blames Little Paulie. The two American Bikers square off on the outside of the ring…like old times. The referee starts counting Little Paulie out. Jenkman tries to cover Dan Martini but Nic Koteen makes the save. Little Paulie is counted out and eliminated.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
And that’s the end of the line for the American Bikers.

Cahall paired up with Jenkman again. Koteen squared up with Scantz. And propped up against the turnbuckle in the corner of the ring was Dan Martini. Jenkman takes down Cahall with a shoulder block. Then Jenkman and Scantz double team Koteen with a double shoulder block. The Goatbusters go for the win.  They try to ‘Cross the Stream’ but Cahall makes the save. Koteen and Cahall whip Scantz into the ropes and General DeBauchery smashes a beer bottle over his head. Scantz down. Koteen hooks the leg and that’s it. Ray Scantz eliminated.

As the sixth minute of the match arrived, it looked real good for the DWI-Martini Brother alliance. Then…

*What’s Going On?” by Four Non-Blondes begins to play*

GWO logo

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!

The GWO (Kathryn Randall Collins, ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, Peta from PETA, Soccer Mom, and New Age Sensitive Guy) invade the ring. KRC slaps on the Gogoplata on the nearly comatose Dan Martini. The spikey, green haired, rail thin Brock Cole Lee hits a swinging neckbreaker on Jenkman. GreenPete wraps a microphone cord around Cahall’s neck and starts choking him out. Peta from PETA and Soccer Mom stomps away at Koteen who’s slumped to the mat. New Age Sensitive Guy dropkicks General DeBauchery off the ring apron to the floor.  And then he apologizes to him.

PeaceNick pickets the extreme violence outside the ring. Lee tosses Jenkman out of the ring. GreenPete heaves Cahall through the ring ropes. Peta and Soccer Mom launch Koteen over the top rope and out. KRC simply rolls Dan Martini off the ring apron. Then she calls for the microphone.

Kathryn Randall Collins:
HELLO CHICAGO. WE ARE THE GREEN WORLD ORDER AND WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!

The crowd boos KRC back in return.

KRC:
THAT’S RIGHT. PCW IS DEAD AND A NEW MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT REGIME IS ABOUT TO TAKE ITS PLACE. FOR TOO LONG, THE GWO HAS BEEN AN AFTERTHOUGHT. BUT NOW, TONIGHT…RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO, NOT ONLY ARE WE CHANGING EVERYTHING- WE’RE TAKING COMPLETELY OVER!

‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee:
NO MORE BEEF!  SOYBURGERS FOR EVERYONE!  People are fatter and more out of shape than in any time in history.

GreenPete:
Global warming threatens our very existance.  Animals are on the verge of extinction.

Peta from PETA:
ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

More boos from the arena followed by a roar when four people race towards the ring.

*”Kill ’em All” by Metallica blares over the loudspeakers*

Johnny Suave (v/o):
WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S A. TOM BOMB. HY DROGEN BOMB. NEWT TRON BOMB. AND DAISY CUTTER-BOMB!  The highly combustible Bomb Family!  Mainstays in the early era of PCW. Slightly irritable on a good day.  A-Bomb and H-Bomb were also PCW Tag Team Champions.

A-Bomb and H-Bomb- twin brothers 6 foot 4 and around 290, N-Bomb- not so beefy at 6-2, 200, and the voluptuous and lethal, Daisy Cutter-Bomb all slide into the ring with chairs and attack.  A-Bomb clobbers Brock Cole Lee with a stiff chairshot. A-Bomb then levels GreenPete with another chairshot. H-Bomb grabs New Age Sensitive Guy and lifts him into the air and slams him down to the mat with extra blunt force…

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HOLY CRAP! HYDROGEN POWER BOMB!

New Age Sensitive Guy lands in a crumpled heap in the corner of the ring. Daisy Cutter-Bomb clotheslines Peta from PETA. Then she lifts her up and drives her to the mat with a DAISY CUTTER POWERBOMB. RIP Peta. A-Bomb hits GreenPete into the air and he slams him down to the mat.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
ATOMIC POWER BOMB!

Daisy makes quick work of Soccer Mom and whips her over the top rope. Behind A-Bomb, KRC has a chair in hand and she’s waiting for the right time. Don Martini suddenly reappears. He somehow climbs back into the ring but he doesn’t look good. In fact, his face is green.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Oh no. I’ve also seen this picture before.

On cue, Don Martini begins to retch and then spews. 

Johnny Suave (v/o):
GREEN MIST!  GREEN MIST!  WAIT!  IT’S GREEN AND BROWN AND CHUNKY!  HOLD ON.  THAT’S NOT GREEN MIST.  THAT’S PROJECTILE VOMIT!

Don Martini vomits all over KRC begins just as she starts towards A-Bomb. KRC slips in the muck and lands flat on her back.  The chair lands on her face. Don Martini then passes out and falls face first onto the chair driving it down onto KRC.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HOLY CRAP!

The referee looks around and sees Don Martini as the only person in the match left in the ring. He immediately calls for the bell and Kimber Marshall carefully rolls in.

Kimber Marshall:
Your winners…Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini- The Flying Martini Brothers!

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Once again. It’s not conventional. But it’s effective. The Flying Martini Brothers get the win here…wait…Al Cahall is back in the ring and has a microphone.

Al Cahall:
Hey GWO!

[Cahall flips them off.]

Al Cahall:
And you can tell Al Gore that he can stick Global Warming up his ass!

[The GWO naturally take offense.]

*The beginning notes of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ begin to play*

[Everything in the ring stops.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HOLY CRAP! IS WHO I THINK IT IS?

[A spotlight searches the bar.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HE HERE! COULD IT BE?

[The crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears.]

The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HE’S HERE!  IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!

If you wake up and don’t want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You’ll see things in a different way.

Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.

[Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.]

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you’ve done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.

[The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.]

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don’t believe that it’s true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here,
It’ll be, better than before,
Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.

[Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring.  He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead..]

[Meanwhile, thanks to Gore’s three minute and thirteen second grand entrance, General DeBauchery recovers and has already long since pulled Cahall out of the ring.] 

WINNER: The Flyin’ Martini Brothers @ 10:43

[D.W.I. and the Martini Brothers celebrate on the ramp as Gore glares at him.]

==============================

PCW FLASHBACK:
White House Correspondent‘s Dinner aka ‘Nerdprom’- April 28th, 2012

It’s the big night. The stars come out at the gala including Kim Kardashian, Woody Harrelson, George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Reese Witherspoon, Daniel Day-Lewis, Martha Stewart, Diane Keaton, Rashida Jones, John Legend among others interspersed with the ‘Blue’ table with Democrat wrestlers on one side of the room and the ‘Red’ table on the other side with Republicans.

Suave:
Because nothing says America more than politicians parading around with celebrities at a time where ordinary Americans aren’t any closer to pulling themselves out of the economic hole they’re stuck in.

PCW CEO Barack Obama gave the traditional joke-filled address…

Obama:
Seriously, guys, what am I doing here? I’m the CEO of Political Championship Wrestling and I’m opening for Jimmy Kimmel?…Why am I telling knock-knock jokes to Kim Kardashian? What is she famous for, anyway?

And then gave way to late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel…

Kimmel:
When I think ‘Mitt Romney,’ I don’t think Etch a Sketch — I think of Twister. You can’t even play Monopoly with him, because he keeps putting the dog on the car.”

Both the Blue and Red tables hurled barbs back and forth until Kimmel uncorked this…

Kimmel:
Some people say journalism is in decline, they say you’ve become too politicized, too focused on sensationalism, they say you no longer honor your duty to inform America but instead actively divide us so that your corporate overlord can rake in the profits. I don’t have a joke for this, it’s just what some people say.

“Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!”

*”Can You Hear the People Sing” from Les Miserables continues to play*

Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic from the American Heartland Coalition charged into the hall with PCW’s Queen of Extreme Valora Salinas, Politically Incorrect (Al Cahall, Nic Koteen, NRA), The Tea Party (Average Joe and ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay), PBR and Chief, The Mercenaries (Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski), Ron Claude Von Dammit, Halitosis, SNAFU, Brad Company, Ken Worth- The American Trucker, and Mitch Thomas- American Taxpayer. Suffice to say, all hell broke loose.

Blackwell hurls two steel chairs at the Republican table and the group wades in. Dawn McGill uses a kendo stick on Kim Kardashian and then blasts Republican Lani Harlot with a brutal kendo stick shot to the back and that’s enough to draw a “PCW! PCW! PCW!” chant from the crowd. Several celebs try to run away, but Valora Salinas chases them down and levels Martha Stewart with a clothesline. Both Red and Blue tables are engulfed in brawls as McGill goes back to work with the kendo stick before we on a running Reese Witherspoon. Svetlana Kovalevski wedges one of the chairs into the door and McGill sends a poor Diane Keaton into the chair.

McGill:
And I hated Annie Hall, too!

Elizabeth Banks hides behind Woody Harrelson who tries to talk some sense into Valora. The probem is Valora’s not buying it and thumbs Harrelson in the eye. Banks gets back to her feet and tries to make a run for it but McGIll connects with a kendo stick shot to her back. Then Kovalevski hits a springboard dropkick that nearly takes Banks’s head off.

Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic make it up to the dias where PCW CEO Obama and Biden long since fled the area and Kimmel simply steps out of the way.

[CUT BACK LIVE…]

Suave:
Dawn McGill has been called to the back. Apparently, Donald Trump is back there and there’s going to be an impromptu press conference in a couple of moments. So, we’re going to show this classic PCW match from PCW Extreme Election Night 2008. It was another heated encounter between hated rivals Fox News and MSNBC but this time CNN was thrown in the middle for good measure. Let’s check it out and we’ll be back.

=============================

MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN and RACHEL MADDOW (Progressive Alliance) vs. BILL O’REILLY of Fox News and ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. CNN’S LOU DOBBS and CAMPBELL BROWN (Independent)- PCW Extreme Election Night 2008- 11/4/08

Suave:
This is going to be fun!

[The bell sounds. Immediately, Olbermann races across the ring and goes after O’Reilly. Coulter and Maddow hook up in the middle. Dobbs and Brown just hang out in their corner. O’Reilly throws Olbermann over the top rope to the floor. Olbermann gets right back up and pulls O’Reilly’s legs out from under him. He pulls him out of the ring and they start going at it. Olbermann rams O’Reilly’s head into the railing. Clothesline. O’Reilly falls backward over the guardrail into the crowd. Olbermann climbs up the guardrail and lands a flying elbow on O’Reilly. Olbermann is handed a steel folding chair. *WHAP* Olbermann winds up again. *WHAP* O’Reilly kicks the chair into his face. Now O’Reilly with a chair. *WHAP* Olbermann spins like a slow moving top. Chair on the ground.]

Suave:
DDT ON THE CHAIR! OLBERMANN’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN.

[O’Reilly drags Olbermann up to the edge of the stage and heaves him over the edge, five feet below to the wooden floor.]

Suave:
O’Reilly’s set to jump. OH, WOW! OLBERMANN GOT HIS FOOT UP AND O’REILLY GOT A BOOT TO THE BALLS! THAT’S GOTTA HURT!

[O’Reilly bent over at an angle. Olbermann grabs a dirty plate off a waitress tray and breaks it over O’Reilly’s head.]

Suave:
O’REILLY’S BUSTED OPEN NOW! OLBERMANN’S GOT A FORK…HOLY CRAP!

[More blood spurts out from Olbermann jabbing the fork into O’Reilly’s forehead.]

Suave:
O’Reilly pounds the floor in agony! NO! OLBERMANN’S GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER ON THE WOODEN FLOOR!

[Olbermann gets O’Reilly up. O’Reilly’s so tall though that Olbermann can’t keep his balance. Olbermann and O’Reilly both fall backwards and the MSNBC star catches his head on one of the chairs going down.]

Suave:
BOTH MEN ARE DOWN AND NOT MOVING VERY MUCH!

[Dobbs and Brown lean over the ring ropes and watch the action.]

Suave:
Okay, if Dobbs and Brown are still in the ring, what happened to Coulter and Maddow…what…we’ve got a portable camera following them. Where? Oh…the bathroom. Might have guessed.

[In the bathroom, Maddow goes for the Irish whip. Coulter reverses and slingshots Maddow into the bathroom door. Maddow staggers back. Coulter atomic drops her. Coulter puts her hand under the soap dispenser.]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP! SOAP IN THE EYES! SOAP IN THE EYES! MADDOW CAN’T SEE!

[Maddow tries to find the sink to wash her eyes out. Coulter takes her by the hair and heaves her at the bathroom door again. Trash can shot. Maddow’s bleeding now. Coulter takes a step forward and slips on the soap on the floor. Her legs fly out from under her and the back of her head hits hard on the floor.]

[Olbermann slams O’Reilly into the steps leading up to the second floor. O’Reilly had just set up two tables just below the edge of the second floor. O’Reilly kicks Olbermann in the chest and sends him flying. O’Reilly with an empty beer bottle. Swings…misses. Olbermann low blows O’Reilly and swats the beer bottle away. Olbermann jumps on O’Reilly’s back and deliberately tries to choke him out.]

[Maddow in control in the women’s room. She goes to the soap dispenser and covers her hand in soap. Then she sticks it in Coulter’s mouth. Coulter gags and desperately tries to remove Maddow’s hand from her mouth. Finally, she bites down hard on the hand and Maddow yelps. Coulter reaches the sink and tries to wash out the soap taste. Maddow grabs her arm and whips her into a stall. She charges to follow up. Coulter kicks the stall door shut on Maddow’s face. Maddow pulls herself up and tries again. Same result. This time, Maddow grabs the trash can and heaves it over the wall into the stall. Then she charges in and flails away at Coulter. Maddow grabs Coulter by the hair and slams her face into the wall. Then the other wall. She takes the porcelain cover off the commode and plasters it over Coulter’s head. Coulter’s eyes roll up into her head and she slides to the bathroom floor.]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP! I THINK SHE JUST KNOCKED HER OUT!

[Maddow stumbles out of the stall and falls on the soap spot on the floor. She crawls to the door and exits the bathroom.]

[Dobbs and Brown continue to hang out in the ring.]

Dobbs:
See? What’d I tell you?

Suave:
Maddow coming back towards the ring…oh, no. WHAT THE HELL IS O’REILLY AND OLBERMANN DOING ON THE SECOND FLOOR?

[O’Reilly and Olbermann, both extremely battered and exhausted, try desperately to get the upper hand. Left by O’Reilly. Right by Olbermann. Left by O’Reilly. Right by Olbermann. Right by Olbermann. O’Reilly backs up to the railing overlooking the first floor. Left by O’Reilly misses. Right by Olbermann. Kick by Olbermann. Right by Olbermann. Olbermann then backs up a few steps.]

Suave:
Oh, no. This can’t end good.

[Olbermann runs towards O’Reilly. Clothesline. O’Reilly up and over the railing but he grabs Olbermann’s arm and pulls him with him. Both men fall twenty feet down through the two tables set up below.]

Suave:
HOLY CRAP!

Crowd:
HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!

Suave:
I DON’T BELIEVE IT! OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY JUST FELL TWENTY-FIVE FOOT THROUGH TWO TABLES!

Crowd:
THIS IS AWESOME! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…THIS IS AWESOME! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)

[O’Reilly and Olbermann aren’t moving in the wreckage of the two tables. The referee immediately calls for Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew.]

[Maddow staggers out on the floor.]

Crowd:
SHE’S HARDCORE!…SHE’S HARDCORE!

Suave:
MADDOW’S BACK OUT…AND SHE’S A MESS.

[Maddow somehow makes it back to the ring and crawls back in.]

Crowd:
SHE’S HARDCORE!…SHE’S HARDCORE!

[She stands back up…and falls right back down. Dobbs looks at Brown. Brown walks over. Roll up. 1…2…3.]

WINNER: CNN’S LOU DOBBS AND CAMPBELL BROWN (Independent)

Suave:
THAT’S IT! LOU DOBBS AND CAMPBELL BROWN PLAY IT SMART AND LET OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY AND MADDOW AND COULTER DESTROY EACH OTHER!

[Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew attend to Olbermann and O’Reilly.]

===============================

[CUT TO LIVE: Dawn McGill is in the ring along with Hillary Clinton (D). Behind them, Donald Trump (R) stands alongside the CEO of Jill Berg Enterprises and Corporate Predator Extraordinaire Jill Berg and Scott Stevens.]

Dawn McGill:
First, I want to give you guys a quick update on the progress of Yamamoto Tanaka.  I just was told that his plane is on final approach to O’Hare.  Hopefully, I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can somehow get him to the arena in time for the PCW champion’s match.   So, we’ll keep an ear to the situation and let you know when and if Tanaka arrives in the building.  Now, I’m going to hand off the microphone to Ms. Clinton and she wants to make a special announcement.

[McGill hands Clinton the microphone and steps to the side.]

Hillary Clinton:
Since Donald Trump stepped in earlier in the week and paid big money to bring Scott Stevens in for tonight’s show.  I have decided in the interest of fairness and equality, that I, Hillary Clinton, will do the same.  I’ve come out here tonight to make an exciting announcement concerning tonight’s Special Attraction Main Event match and add a little spice to the match.  So at this time, I’d like to introduce a wrestler who many people call the face of Boardwalk Wrestling.  She just main evented Boardwalk’s All In…

Johnny Suave (v/o):
Hold on!  Is she saying what I think she’s saying…

[Both Trump and Berg cast quizzical glances at each other.]

Hillary Clinton:
…Pay Per View in a scintillating match against Atlantic City Champion Cyrus Riddle.

Johnny Suave (v/o):
NO WAY!  SHE’S HERE? 

Hillary Clinton:
Please welcome…

[Clinton pauses for dramatic effect and then drops the news.]

Hillary Clinton:
JULLIET BROOKS!

Johnny Suave (v/o):
YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

[The crowd explodes as Julliet Brooks, bandaged up from her recent match with Cyrus Riddle at Boardwalk’s All In PPV appears.]

Johnny Suave (v/o):
HOLY CRAP! SHE’S HERE! JULLIET BROOKS IS HERE IN PCW!

[Brooks starts down to the ring as Hillary claps. Trump and Berg are stunned and can’t believe what they’re seeing.]

Front Row (bowing as Julliet walks by):
WE’RE NOT WORTHY (Clap.  Clap.  Clap-clap-clap) WE’RE NOT WORTHY (Clap.  Clap.  Clap-clap-clap)

Johnny Suave (v/o):
So. Scott Stevens is going to face Julliet Brooks?

[McGill takes the microphone back.]

Dawn McGill:
Thank you Ms. Clinton and welcome Julliet to PCW. However, in the spirit of the evening of everyone coming together, I’ve decided to do something a little different.  We are going to make the Special Attraction Main Event a tag team match with Scott Stevens and Julliet Brooks teaming up against PCW Alumni Ray McAvay and another PCW wrestler to be named later.

[Both Clinton and Trump seem confused and very wary about the announcement.]

Johnny Suave:
SCOTT STEVENS AND JULLIET BROOKS TEAMING UP AGAINST RAY McAVAY AND…someone?  We’ve got more action coming up.  Will there be yet another surprise tonight?  Stay tuned.

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1 Response to PCW: Political Championship Wrestling End of the World PPV- 10th Anniversary/Reunion/Finale- Part One

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