Des Moines, IA
Saturday July 25th, 2015
Announcers: Johnny Suave and Dawn McGill
[SHOW OPEN: Montage
Lani Harlot bends both of Amy Mason legs up and tucks her ankles against her armpits and sits down. She then reaches over and grabs Amy’s chin and pulls back…aka The White Trash Compactor.
Carrieanne McDermott grabs Terry Sargent by the head and head butts her in the nose.
Ninja Kitty hits a 450 splash off the top turnbuckle.
‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan hits the Canadian Destroyer on Chondra Wells and flips Chondra over landing in a seated position and driving Wells’s head down to the mat between her thighs.
Miley Vyrus twerks in the middle of the ring.
Former host of ‘Shot at Scoring with a Skanky Video Channel Reality Star’ Mia Margarita is tied up in the tree of woe. Regina McGill goes to the opposite corner…takes off running and hits a flying drop kick. Mia’s feet come off the corner and she slides to the mat.
‘Lady Giant’ Cassidy McConnell grabs ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin by the throat. Tessa kicks her in the stomach. McConnell lets go. But Mia Margarita plants a big ol’ kiss on the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl aka…The Long Kiss Goodnight. Tessa’s knees buckle.
Kathryn Randall Collins puts her legs around Dr. Annabel ‘From Hannibal’ Lecker’s back and then slips one foot around Dr. Lecker’s head and under her chin. She locks her hands behind Dr. Lecker’s head and chokes her by pressing her shin against the trachea. Dr. Lecker looks over to Charlize Starling…she’s contently leaning over the top rope and totally relaxed while Melissa continues to massage her back. Finally, Dr. Lecker has no other choice- she taps out.
Angel Scott whips Korey Korver into the corner…back off the ropes…Scott lifts…Angel Casey grabs Korey’s neck…ANGEL DEATH DROP. Korey hits the mat face first and flips over.
‘Queen Cool Leah Iris slowly gets up. Jill Berg snaps off a spinning heel kick…bingo! Leah falls forward to her knees. Jill launches herself forward and buries her shoulder into Leah’s stomach. The crowd rises. Jill pulls Leah up and sets her up over her shoulder…and slams her to the mat.
Jill Berg glowers over her opponent Lady Halitosis and starts talking to her. Lady Halitosis pops her head up and breathes right in the champion’s face. Jill immediately keels backwards to a sitting position.]
Johnny Suave (voiceover): WELCOME TO MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING!
[CLOSE UP camera shot of the cheering crowd]
Suave (v/o): Welcome to MVWA 63 on Heartland Television! We are live tonight from the Knapp Center in Des Moines, Iowa.
[CLOSE UP-Johnny Suave and Dawn McGill at the broadcast desk. Suave has brown hair and goatee and wears a black suit jacket with a white shirt. McGill has a set of headphones over her medium length blond hair and a simple black blouse/mini-skirt combination. She also looks a tad peaked and worn out.]
Suave: Tonight, three big matches on the docket including a huge match between Jill Berg and Heartland Champion ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan with the winner to get a MVW title shot against Lady Halitosis in two weeks. Dawn, what do you think?
McGill: This is Sheline’s big opportunity. She’s dominated the Heartland title at the house shows. Now, she has a chance to elevate herself into big belt consideration tonight.
Suave: Also on our card tonight, MVW Tag Team Champions Angels of Death face off against two Missouri Valley Originals in ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas for the title.
McGill: It’s good to see Tess find some success at the tag team level. And since ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas returned, she has been a tough customer. This may be a team who can dethrone the AoD.
Suave: And then we have this little dandy of a gem between a pair of young, up and coming wrestlers. ‘By the Book’ Tiana Walker has been fussing with the Hollywood Starlet Miley Vyrus and it has blown up at our house shows. Tonight, they get their chance on the big stage as they will try to settle their issues tonight in Des Moines.
McGill: Yeah, Johnny. Totally agree. Both Walker and Vyrus have a lot of potential but Walker’s perpetually hung up on the rulebook and Vyrus can’t stop twerking when she’s in the ring.
[Suave looks at McGill who doesn’t look like she’s feeling the greatest.]
Suave: Are you okay? You look a little…green.
[McGill waves him off.]
McGill: I’ll be fine.
[The first thirty minutes of the show reviews and replays shortened clips of the earlier non-televised matches:
Ninja Kitty defeats Airline Amie
-quick fun opener featuring two of Missouri Valley Wrestling’s high flyers. Ninja Kitty wins when Airline Amie whiffs on a top rope Missile Drop Kick and hits the Pounce.
Kirsten Canfield defeats Desiree Davis
-Kirsten’s final match as an intern is a successful one. The Wichita State University sophomore picks up a nice little victory on her way out. She’ll be leaving on vacation before school restarts at the end of August.
Carrieanne McDermott defeats Harley Davisson
-in a battle of two battle-hardened warriors, McDermott outlasts the biker babe in a slam bang hard hitting affair.
MVW Champion Lady Halitosis/Regina McGill defeat ‘Trailer Park Queen’ Lani Harlot/Anna Conda
-impressive outings from both Lady Halitosis and Harlot. Conda nearly had McGill wrapped up in her Constrictor submission hold but Lady Halitosis made the save and KO’d her with lethal bad breath before hitting the Imploding Senton Bomb to close out the match.
A quick review of: MVW #1 Contender Tournament matches, The GWO vs. Jill Berg Enterprises war, and a ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris injury update.]
[A package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of the picture with a shot of a lake surrounded by trees in the background.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky presents Messing with McGill.
[Scene: Four college students- two male, two female are enjoying a day at the lake. They’ve just come out of the water and are toweling off.]
Boy #1: The water’s great, bro.
Girl #1: It was so fun.”
Boy #2: It was awesome.
[They see a figure wander in and it gets everyone’s attention. It’s Dawn McGill out for a morning run. Dressed in running shorts and a tank top, she stops at the lake’s edge to splash some water on her face.]
[The four college students watch. A girl with reddish hair snacks on some Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. She suddenly gets an idea and devilishly grins. She looks at the yellow towel on the tall boy standing next to her and gives him the ‘look.’]
[The boy gets the gist of it and puts his finger to his lips to shush the others. Then he sneaks down and rolls up the wet towel. The other three titter and snicker while waiting in great anticipation as he sneaks up behind Dawn. The boy pauses, sets himself, and snaps her in the ass with the wet towel.]
Dawn McGill (laconically): Seriously?
[The boy turns back to the others and they all get a big laugh out of it. Well, at least until McGill stands up and kicks him the groin from behind.]
Boy #1: Oooooooof…
Girl #1: Oh?
[Then McGill spins him around, puts his head between her legs, lifts, and McGill Bombs him to the ground.]
[The other three students look on in shock and McGill stares right at them and simply says…]
Dawn McGill: Boo.
[*Mass screaming and hysteria*]
[The three students trip all over themselves trying to run away.]
[Final scene: a package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky superimposed over the college student writhing in pain on the ground after being McGill-Bombed.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Feed your wild side.
Suave: And we’re back…or at least I’m back. Dawn had to leave the broadcast table to go to the bathroom. We are gearing up for our first match of the night. But first, Paige McGillicutty has stopped by to give us an update on the Sheline Carrigan situation.
[Paige McGillicutty steps into the picture.]
Paige McGillicutty: Thanks Johnny. What happened is that sometime last Saturday, a family member contacted Sheline to give her the bad news that the family farm, a place where she grew up, was being foreclosed on by the mortgage company. That news apparently set her off into tears and it took a few people, including Dawn McGill among others, to try to get her calmed down. Somewhere, Jill Berg became involved and spent at least two hours talking with Sheline before last Saturday’s show. No one knows what they talked about. No one has any clue. All we know is that Sheline came out last week and literally destroyed Harley Davisson and that’s no mean feat, folks. I am still digging into this and hopefully, we’ll have a little more information later on in the show.
Suave: Thanks Paige for the update.
[VIDEO PACKAGE-‘By the Book’ Tiana Walker and Miley Vyrus
–during the Fourth of July show in Iowa City, Walker and Vyrus team up in a tag match against the Kentucky Deerhunters (Kellyanne Morris/Bailey Foster). Vyrus becomes irritated with Walker’s ‘by the book’ recitation of the tag team rules before the match. She becomes really irritated when Walker grabs her official Missouri Valley Wrestling rulebook and shows referee Davey Keels the provision concerning attacking before the bell while Vyrus gets mugged in the ring by both Morris and Foster.
Hollywood SuperAgent Brock Ray intervenes and pulls Vyrus out of the ring and takes her to the back. Walker gets destroyed by Morris and Foster.
-Walker interferes in a tag match involving Vyrus the next week in Burlington, Iowa and costs her team the match. Vyrus gets on the microphone the next night in Kansas City and demands a one on one match with Walker. They meet and the match ends with the referee knocked out, Brock Ray knocked out, and a double count-out.
-last Friday night in Rolla, Missouri, Vyrus wrestles MVW Television Champion Kathryn Randall Collins for the TV belt. Walker comes out again, rulebook in hand, and gets into it with Ray. Then Vyrus comes over and Walker piefaces her with the rulebook causing KRC to get disqualified.
-the final straw broken, MVW co-bookers Corrina Romanov and Kevin G. Briscoe come to the ring and set up the match for MVWA 63 to settle this.]
[Dawn, a tad unsteady on her feet, sits back down at the broadcast booth. She turns to Suave and offers a weak smile.]
Suave: I know I keep asking this Dawn but…are you okay?
Dawn McGill: I was fine until some idiot reached under the stall and stole one of my heels.
[Cut to a close up of Dawn’s feet. One heel on. One heel definitely missing.]
Suave: What the hell is the world coming to? Who would steal someone’s heel…in a bathroom?
Dawn McGill: I have no clue, Johnny.
Suave: Shall we go to the ring?
[McGill nods. She looks white as a ghost and guzzles down a glass of water.]
Dawn McGill: Please.
Suave: All right, let’s do it.
[Cut to the ring. Ring announcer Kimber Marshall, impeccably dressed for the occasion as always in a dress that accentuates her long curvaceous legs, is ready to introduce the contestants for tonight’s first match.]
Kimber Marshall: Our first match tonight is a Grudge Match, one fall, twenty minute time limit. First, is from Hollywood, California. Weighing in at one hundred and five pounds and accompanied to the ring by Hollywood SuperAgent Brock Ray…she is MILE-LEEE VYYYYY-RUUSSSS!
[Vyrus hops out onto the stage and starts to dance around as Miley Cyrus’s ‘Party in the USA’ starts to play. Ray then strolls out in a three piece suit and a briefcase.]
I hopped off the plane at L.A.X.
With a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame excess (whoa),
Am I gonna fit in?
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous
[The blond haired Vyrus dances down the aisle to the ring with Ray following a few steps behind. She stops at the hard camera on the floor and sticks her tongue out. Then she twerks.]
Suave (v/o): Have I mentioned just how glad I’ll be when that craze goes away?
McGill (v/o): A few times, Johnny.
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
The butterflies fly away
I’m noddin’ my head like yeah
Movin’ my hips like yeah
I got my hands up,
They’re playin’ my song
I know I’m gonna be OK
Yeah, it’s a party in the USA
Yeah, it’s a party in the USA
[The song fades down and is replaced by the opening double drums of the classic Adam Ant song “Goody Two Shoes”]
Kimber Marshall: And her opponent, from Plano, Texas. She does things completely by the book…she is…TIANA WALKER!
[Walker comes out holding up the official Missouri Valley Wrestling rulebook to a mixed reception- much to her dismay.]
With the heartbreak open
So much you can’t hide
Put on a little makeup, makeup
Make sure they get your good side, good side
If the words unspoken
Get stuck in your throat
Send a treasure token, token
Write it on a pound note, pound note
[Walker skips down to the ring, still holding the MVW rulebook up for everyone to see.]
Goody two, goody two, goody goody two shoes
Goody two, goody two, goody goody two shoes
Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?
Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?
Subtle innuendos follow
There must be something inside
[Walker slides into the ring and goes right over to referee Davey Keels to point something out in the rulebook.]
Suave (v/o): Yeah. I don’t envy Davey Keels in this match.
[Keels listens for a few seconds and finally waves Walker away. Walker pouts and then retreats back to her corner. She lays the rulebook down on the ring apron and warms up for the match.]
[Vyrus warms up by twerking and sticking her tongue out. Hollywood SuperAgent Brock Ray, also impeccably dressed in an expensive suit with power tie, schmoozes with Keels before the referee goes to the center of the ring.]
Suave (v/o): Yeah. I don’t envy him one bit.
[Keels calls for the bell.]
Suave (v/o): And the match gets under way.
[Except Walker immediately goes to the referee to complain that Vyrus left her corner too soon. Keels tries to get out of the way so the match can go on. Walker turns and goes back to her corner to retrieve her rulebook but Vyrus takes advantage of the situation and delivers a forearm to the upper back from behind.]
Suave (v/o): Great! That’s really going to set off now! We’ll never get this match-
[Vyrus snap mares Walker to the mat and drops a leg to follow. She mounts her opponent and starts slapping her with left and rights. Walker tries to defend herself but more of Vyrus’s slaps get through then don’t. Walker finally rolls right and dumps Vyrus to the mat. The Hollywood starlet keeps the pressure on and tackles Walker again. This time, she’s throwing full blooded punches instead of slaps and Keels steps right in to break it up.]
Suave (v/o): There’s a lot of animosity in this ring right now, Dawn…Dawn?
[No response. Just retching and then the sound of a wastebucket being filled up with…yeah…that…]
Suave (v/o): Are you okay?
Dawn McGill (v/o): I’m fine. Must have been something I ate before the show…
Suave (v/o): Are you sure?
Dawn McGill (v/o): Johnny, I’m fine. Ever since I came back from Michigan, I haven’t felt well and I’ve been nauseous as hell the past couple mornings. But I checked myself before I came to the arena and I’m not running a temperature or anything.
[Vyrus lands an open palmed strike to Walker’s chest. Walker fires right back with one of her own. Then Vyrus. Then Walker. Vyrus. Walker. Vyrus. Walker kicks her in the shin and clotheslines her to the canvas.]
Suave (v/o): I’m a little doubtful on the legality of that move.
[Walker covers right away. Vyrus kicks out at one. Walker then does a roll right over Vyrus and hooks her legs. Keels for the count…one…two…Vyrus kicks out. Walker grabs the legs again and rolls up…Keels counts…one…two…Vyrus kicks out and rolls away from her.]
Suave (v/o): Okay Dawn…you say you’re not running a temperature. But you’re feeling really nauseous. You’re not pregnant or anything are you?
Dawn McGill (v/o): What.
Suave (v/o): I said you’re not running a temp. You’re nauseous. Are you pregnant or something?
[The sound of a chair rapidly being moved.]
Suave (v/o): Dawn?
Dawn McGill (v/o): Ah…Johnny, I’ll be right back.
[Quick footsteps away from the broadcast table.]
Suave (v/o): And it’s just me again. Phew! The least she could have done was take the wastebasket too.
[Vyrus and Walker now circle each other in the middle of the ring. Walker charges forward. Vyrus sidesteps and grabs Walker right arm. She bends it behind her and spins Walker away from the ropes down to the mat. Vyrus sits on top of her and wrenches the arm.]
Suave (v/o): Hammerlock by Vyrus. Now she’s taunting Walker by smacking her in the back of the head.
[Walker complains to Keels that what Vyrus is doing is illegal. That doesn’t fly so Walker pulls herself towards the bottom rope with her free hand. She reaches for the rope but Brock Ray slips in and smacks her hand away. Keels sees that and immediately calls for the break. Now it’s Vyrus who’s a little up in arms. She marches right over to Keels and gives her a little piece of her mind. Then she turns around and twerks in front of him. Walker runs over and hits a standing drop kick to the ass and sends the Hollywood starlet tumbling to the mat.]
Suave (v/o): I’m thinking that both women would do well to stop bugging the referee and maybe just concentrate on each other.
[Standing drop kick attempt by Walker falls short as Vyrus slides left. Vyrus lays in the boots and then pulls Walker up by the hair. Walker immediately complains to Keels. Keels says he didn’t see it happen. So Walker stomps on Vyrus’s foot and shoves her to the mat. She goes back to her corner, gets the rulebook, and gets into Keels’s face about the hair pulling, showing him chapter and verse what the rulebooks says about it.]
[The crowd now starts to boo and let Walker have it. She looks stunned and rolls out of the ring. Walker goes over to Kimber Marshall and takes her microphone.]
Tiana Walker: Okay. Let me get the straight. I’m the one who’s playing by the rules here. I’m the one who’s the face here. And you’re actually booing me?
[The crowd boos in response.]
Tiana Walker: Un-freakin-believable. I’m not a rule breaker! You’re booing the wrong person!
[And that doesn’t work. More boos rain down. Disgusted, Walker throws down the microphone and climbs back into the ring. She throws the rulebook down in her corner just in time for Vyrus to hit a big splash on her. Walker collides with the corner turnbuckle, turns 180 degrees around, and falls face first to the mat. Vyrus rolls her over and covers…one…two…SHOULDER UP!]
Suave (v/o): Now that’s un-freakin-believeable! Vyrus crushed her in the corner and yet, Walker somehow gets that shoulder up!
[Vyrus grabs both legs, leans back and falls back to the mat propelling Walker forward, face first into the corner turnbuckle. Walker hits, staggers back. Vyrus reaches her arms around Walker and clasps her hands. Belly to back suplex.]
Suave (v/o): She got it! Vyrus covers…
[Keels slams his hand on the mat…1…2…Walker kicks out.]
Suave (v/o): AGAIN! WALKER KICKS OUT! And now what is she doing?
[Walker marches right back to her corner and grabs the rulebook again. Keels tells her to put ‘the damn book’ away. Walker shoves the book in his face and points to another provision.]
Suave (v/o): WALKER’S ARGUING WITH THE REFEREE? SHE DOESN’T SEE VYRUS BEHIND HER!
[The Hollywood Starlet slings herself off the ropes and barrels towards Walker. Walker somehow catches her out of the corner of her eye, turns, and levels Vyrus with the rulebook. Vyrus stops, stiffens up, and then falls backwards to mat.]
Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP!
[Keels immediately calls for the bell.]
[Walker can’t believe it and she gets in Keels’s face again.]
Suave (v/o): And this one is over. Walker was arguing with Keels. Saw Vyrus coming. And she instinctively just turned and waffled her in the face with the rulebooks. Keels did not hesitate to call for the bell and he’s disqualified Walker.
[Kimber Marshall rolls into the ring to make the official announcement while Hollywood SuperAgent Brock Ray also climbs in to check on Vyrus.]
Kimber Marshall: Your winner by disqualification at ten minutes and twelve seconds…MILEY VYRUS!
[Walker is livid and screams at the referee. Keels turns his back and tries to get away. Walker follows, takes the book, and blasts him in the back with it. Keels falls forward and gets hung up in the ropes.]
Suave (v/o): HOLY CRAP! WALKER JUST HIT THE REFEREE! THAT ONE MAY COST HER!
[Walker rolls under the bottom rope and leaves to a chorus of boos and jeers.]
[Vyrus is now sitting up in the ring but props her head on Ray’s chest.]
Suave (v/o): All right. We’ll be back right after this.
[The spot starts as Dark and Stormy, valets of High Octane Wrestling’s Ray McAvay valets who are wearing the official McAvay ‘Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work.’ t-shirts (in white) and Daisy Duke Shorts, stand in his corner during a match.]
[HOW Hall of Fame announcers Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell sit at the broadcast table and are commentating on the match as both ladies pull out a Carl’s Jr’s half pound Western Bacon Thickburger and begin to eat in a most sensuous stimulating way.]
Joe Hoffman: McAvay with the sidewalk slam. What a move…right Benny? Benny?
[Hoffman notices that Benny is otherwise occupied at the moment.]
Joe Hoffman: Benny?
[Why? Because Benny’s not watching the action inside the ring. He’s watching the action outside the ring. The house lights inside the Best Arena turn low and a spotlight shines on Stormy, her brown hair ruffling in the artificially produced wind- thanks to a huge off screen fan. Stormy sees Benny staring at her and waves as she slowly, tantalizingly takes a huge bite from the Western Bacon Thickburger sandwich.]
Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time, Hoffhole.
Joe Hoffman: What?
Benny Newell: It’s only a matter of time until one of them spills barbeque sauce on their shirt and then we’ll have a real strip show here.
[As if on cue, Dark, her black hair also fluttering in the artificially created breeze, takes a huge bite of her sandwich and a massive glob of barbeque sauce slathered in between the buns slithers out and stains her pearly white t-shirt.]
Benny Newell: See? I told you.
[Of course, Dark’s horrified at the development so she slips off her barbeque sauce stained t-shirt and reveals that she’s wearing a barbeque colored bikini top.]
Joe Hoffman: Well, the action seems to have shifted away from the ring.
[Ray McAvay and his unknown opponent have stopped wrestling and lean against the top rope to watch as Stormy takes a sizable bite of her Thickburger. In a shocking development, a major glob of barbeque sauce spills onto her white t-shirt.]
Benny Newell: YES! Thank you God! Thank you!
[So Stormy also pulls off her barbeque stained white t-shirt off and- surprise, she too has a barbeque colored bikini top on.]
Benny Newell: Could this get any better?
[Bert the Janitor walks into the scene. He picks up the two soiled white t-shirts and tosses them into his mop bucket. He hands Dark a supersized bottle of barbeque sauce and then moves on. She slowly opens up the bottle and proceeds to pour it all over the burger, all over Stormy’s burger, and then ‘accidently’ spills it all over herself.]
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know Benny. It sure looks like she did that on purpose-
Benny Newell: Shut up Hoffhole! Accidents happen. Now, what just happened in my pants, that was not an accident.
[Joe just slaps his forehead and shakes his head.]
[Being the helpful person she is, Stormy tries to clean up the massive mess her friend just made by licking the barbeque sauce off Dark’s chest- of which you can’t tell now if she’s wearing a bikini top or not. In the process, the barbeque sauce ends up spilled all over her chest…and neck…and then her arms.]
Announcer Guy (v/o): Two for the price of one.
[Watching from the ring, McAvay’s eyes widen and he leans on the top rope to get a closer view. Dawn McGill then appears behind him. She ‘Gibbs-slaps’ Ray in the back of the head.]
Ray McAvay (holding the back of his head): Ow!
Announcer Guy (v/o): Carl’s Junior’s Half Pound Western Thickburger…
[Dark begins to undo Stormy’s bikini top.]
Announcer Guy (v/o): Only at Carl’s Junior.
Benny Newell: WAIT! DON’T END THE COMMERCIAL NOW!
[Fade to black.]
Benny Newell’s voice: DAMMIT!
[Cut back to Suave at the broadcast table.]
Suave: Well, we’re still waiting for Dawn McGill to return to the broadcast table. But the next match is ready to go so let’s go to the ring.
[Cut to the ring. The Kentucky Deerhunters- Kellyanne Morris and Bailey Foster, are in the ring wearing their usual camouflage and khakis and drinking moonshine from a Mason jar. Morris has a microphone and she’s ready to unload some verbal fire.]
Kellyanne Morris: Okay, y’all. The reason we’re in this here ring is pretty simple. Angels of Death did us wrong when they cost us that match against the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and the Texas Cowgirl a couple weeks back. Now, I understand that things haven’t been the most cordial between us since we arrived here in Missouri Valley Wrassling. But taking a match away from us…now you’ve crossed a line and we promise y’all here tonight, there’s going to be hell to pay. Bailey and I are goin’ hunting for Angels tonight.
[Morris hands off the microphone to Bailey Foster and then guzzles down a healthy portion of hooch.]
Bailey Foster: Tess and Haley. I know you didn’t have anything to do with the actual deed. But the fact remains, y’all are in our spot. We should be wrasslin’ the Angels here tonight for the belts and after what the Angels did the proper thing to do would have been to stand down and give us our spot back. So like it or not, whether it’s fair or not, y’all are on our hit list too. Sorry ‘bout your luck.
[Cut back to Suave and McGill. Dawn looks slightly better. She’s regained some color in her face.]
Suave: Well, this has been brewing for a long, long time. The Kentucky Deerhunters came into Missouri Valley Wrestling vowing to topple Angels of Death. For all the bluster and talk from Morris and Foster, it’s not like they’ve gotten the job done when they’ve had the chance to wrestle them. They’ve looked out of their depth if you want to be honest. We’ll see what goes down tonight. Backstage, Paige McGillicutty has more news on the Sheline Carrigan saga. Paige?
[Cut to backstage in the hall. Paige McGillicutty stands in front of the Jill Berg Enterprises ‘suite’ aka locker room.]
Paige McGillicutty: Thanks Johnny. The latest on the Carrigan situation is this. There is a mortgage company, Northern Star Canada Mortgage that has filed for foreclosure on the Carrigan family property in Vilbank, Saskatchewan. Someone, an anonymous person, called MVW headquarters and claimed that Northern Star Canada Mortgage has ties to…Jill Berg Enterprises. Also…huh?
Female Voice (off screen): Excuse me…coming through.
[It’s Dawn McGill and she’s got a box containing what appears to be one of those pregnancy tests in her hand. She breezes by Paige and beelines it right for the ladies’ bathroom.]
Paige McGillicutty: Well, as I was saying…backstage sources also report that Jill had another lengthy conversation with Sheline earlier today where the words “it’s your family’s only way out” were overheard. Now, the question a lot of people are asking…with the amount of time and energy that Jill Berg has spent over the past month with Carrigan, was this all some sort of grandiose plot to coerce her into working for JBE?
[Cut to split screen with Suave on the left and Paige on the right.]
Suave: Well, I know one person who certainly wouldn’t put it past her…my broadcast partner, who just whizzed by you to go to the bathroom, could speak from past experience. Jill Berg once paid Austin Reeves a hundred grand to take Dawn McGill out at a HOW House show so she’s capable just about anything.
Paige McGillicutty: We’ll keep digging, Johnny.
[Cut to Suave at the broadcast desk.]
Suave: Thanks for the report, Paige. And let us know if you find out anything more.
[VIDEO PACKAGE- Angels of Death (Angel Scott/Angel Casey) and ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin/’Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas -MVWA 61- Angels of Death dominate the Pinups (Sabrina James/Alicia Rowe) to retain the tag title.
-MVWA 62- Angels of Death defeat the Beach Girls (Michelle Love/Brianna Wilson)
-The AoD defeat Kentucky Deerhunters at Arch Wrestling Madness. But the rivalry is still red hot as the AoD cost the Deerhunters the match against Martin and Dallas last week.
-Martin and Dallas appear at High Octane Wrestling’s Monday Night Mayhem in a gauntlet match with Ray McAvay against Scott Stevens.
-Martin and Dallas defeat the Korvers Sisters last Saturday night…Morris and Foster tried to interfere but then Angels of Death (Angel Scott/Angel Casey) and brawled with Morris and Foster. In the confusion, Tess grabbed the Oversized Pizza Box of Doom (road sign inside an extra large pizza box) and as Korey came flying in for a big splash, Tess nailed her in the face with the box and then hooked the leg for the win.
[Cut back to Suave.]
Suave: This is going to be interesting. No one’s come even near the Angels of Death’s level in the last two months. They have been unstoppable as a tag team. However, Tess and Haley possess the experience and the will to at least make this a much more competitive match than we’ve seen in the AoD’s last two title defenses. Let’s take it again to Kimber Marshall who’s in the ring.
[Cut to Kimber Marshall standing in the middle of the ring.]
Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit, for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Titles! Introducing first, the challengers…
[The opening beat to Lenny Kravitz’s ‘Dig In’ began to play. ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin starts down the aisle.]
Kimber Marshall: …from Bowling Green, Ohio. She is the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’…TESSA MARTIN!
It’s time to face and come-on in and join the party
Life has been waiting for you to care
Don’t try to fake it, jump on in and get it started
There’s so much lovin for you to share !
[Tess wears a pizza delivery shirt and a pair of gym shorts as she walks down to the ring.]
There is nowhere to run
There is no way to hide
Don’t let it beat you
Say ‘nice to meet you’ and ‘bye’
Once you dig in
You’ll find it coming out the other side
And once you dig in
You’ll find you’ll have yourself a good time
[Tessa rolls herself into the ring as the music changes off to “God Bless Texas” by Little Texas.]
Kimber Marshall: And her partner. From the Lone Star State, Denton, Texas. The Texas Cowgirl. HALEY DALLAS!
[Haley walks out wearing a leather vest, a wrestling singlet, and a cowgirl hat.]
I’ve seen a lot of places, I’ve been around the world
I’ve seen some pretty faces, been with some beautiful girls
After all I’ve witnessed, one thing still amazes me
Just like a miracle, you have to see to believe
[Dallas walks down and joins Tessa inside the ring.]
‘Cause God blessed Texas with His own hand
Brought down angels from the Promised Land
He gave them a place where they could dance
If you wanna see Heaven, brother, here’s your chance I’ve been sent to spread the message
[Haley and Tess high five.]
Kimber Marshall: And now the MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…
[The song changes to AC/DC’s ‘If You Want Blood’ as Angel Scott and Angel Casey walk out.]
Kimber Marshall: They are the FOUR TIME Missouri Valley Wrestling champions! Hailing from Morgantown, West Virginia. Weighing in at one hundred and sixty-seven pounds. She is “Ms. Terminatrix’- ANG-GELLLLL SCOTT!
[The five foot eleven Scott sneers at James and Rowe waiting for them in the ring.]
Kimber Marshall: And from Portales, New Mexico. She is one hundred and fifteen pounds aptly nicknamed Ms. Lethal Weapon- ANG-GELLLL CASEY! THIS IS ANGELS OF DEATH!
there ought to be a law
there ought to be a whole lot more
you get a nothin’ for nothin’
tell me who can you trust
we got what ya want
and you got the lust
[Scott and Casey fist bump each other and then run down to the ring.]
If you want blood (YOU GOT IT)
If you want blood (YOU GOT IT)
BLOOD on the streets
BLOOD on the rocks
BLOOD in the gutter,
EVERY LAST DROP,
YOU WANT BLOOD
You got it yes you have
[Behind them, the other colleagues of Jill Berg Enterprises Hallie Burton and former host of hit reality show, ‘Shot at Scoring with a Skanky Video Channel Reality Star’ Mia Margarita, and Kathryn Randall Collins all make their way down to the ring.]
[Scott and Casey slide into the ring and look ready to fight.]
Suave: Ron Martin is your referee and it looks like we’re about ready for action.
[Martin calls for the bell.]
[Tessa starts for the challengers. Angel Casey for the champions. Slow burn beginning as both women circle slowly and then lock up. Tessa pushes back. Casey grabs Tess’s arm and yanks it behind her. Slowly spin…then Tessa elbows Casey once…twice. Hold released. Tess whips around lands a pair of forearm shots to Casey’s forehead and takes her to the ropes. She goes to send her across…Casey reverses and whips Tess into the ropes. Tess comes off and hits a shoulder block- Casey falls back to the mat. Tessa into the ropes. Casey rolls over- Tess jumps her and goes on. Tess comes off the ropes on the other side. Casey leaps- Tess goes underneath. Casey turns. Tess grabs the arm and takes her down. Quick cover…Martin counts…1…easy kick out by Casey.]
Suave: Fast start for the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. Fast exchanges.
[Casey rakes the eyes. Tess staggers to the corner. Casey with kicks to both thighs. She whips Tess across the ring into the opposite turnbuckle. Casey charges- Tess gets the foot up and smacks her in the face. Casey does an about face. Tess out of the corner. She takes the back of Casey’s head and slams her face first to the mat.]
Suave: Running Bulldog by Tess and she’s on point tonight.
[Tess holds out her hand and tags Haley Dallas in. Dallas steps through. Casey tries to catch her sleeping but Dallas grabs her…turns her…and scoop slams her to the mat. Casey holds her back and tries to roll towards her corner. Dallas grabs Casey’s leg and pulls her back towards their corner. She mounts Casey and starts throwing lefts and rights. Immediately, Martin is there and starts a five count. One…two…three… The Texas Cowgirl relents and stands up. She backs away. Casey leaps to her corner and slaps hands with Angel Scott.]
Suave: Casey finally gets the tag. Can Angel Scott step in and change the momentum.
[Dallas tries for a Texas Lariat. Scott ducks, turns, and reaches around and grabs Dallas. She lifts and hits a belly to back release suplex and Dallas tumbles across the ring. Scott walks over. Kick to the stomach to Dallas who on all fours sends the Texas Cowgirl back into a seated position. Scott walks around Dallas…boot to the back. Dallas pulls herself back up. Scott sets her up and clotheslines her over the top rope to the floor…conveniently at the feet of where Jill Berg Enterprises are standing. Hallie Burton acts first. She drags Dallas up and ‘attempts’ to ‘throw’ her back into the ring. Except she misses…badly…and Dallas hits the edge of the ring with her shoulder.]
Suave: Dallas is in the wrong place. And Tess is running over.
[Tessa grabs a steel chair and races to the other side. But before she gets there, a commotion breaks out in the back. Everyone turns and sees a line of green shirts walking down to the ring.]
Suave: It’s the Green World Order!
[Peta from PETA and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, his green hair sticking up like celery stalks, lead the line followed by GreenPete, Code Pink, Soccer Mom, New Age Sensitive Guy, and PeaceNick.]
Suave: Now it’s going to get a little interesting.
[Burton raises her hands in the air and backs up as the GWO walks up to them. The others stay back as Dallas gets up and climbs back into the ring. Scott walks over lays the boots on her again. Once…twice…the third time drives Dallas to the mat. Methodically, Scott drags her up by the hair and places the Texas Cowgirl in the corner. Kick to the midsection by Scott. A second kick. Scott pulls her to the middle of the ring. Snap mare takedown followed by a leg drop. Scott covers…1…2…NO!]
Suave: TESS WITH THE LAST SECOND SAVE! WHAT A MISSILE DROP KICK!
[At the last possible second, Tess jumps from the top rope and nails Scott with a missile drop kick. Scott lurches back and rolls into the corner. Tess scurries right back out. Scott tries to collect herself. Angel Casey screams at her to make the tag. Dallas crawls towards Tess in their corner.]
Suave: Who’s going to get there first?
[Both women reach their respective corners at the same time and tag out. Tess back in with Casey. Lock up in the middle. Casey swings Tess towards their corner. Scott lands a couple shots in the back. Tess whips around to go after Scott. Casey rakes her back with her fingernails and shoves her forward into Scott’s forearm. Casey forces Tess under the top rope and then bends her back against it. She takes a side headlock and Scott throws a couple haymakers to a wide open Tess. Finally, Martin over and makes them break the hold.]
Suave: Martin forces Casey back. Scott is also told to back away.
[Casey takes two steps back and hits a standing drop kick to Tess’s chest. She spins around and lays head first over the top rope. Scott goes over, grabs her by the head, and jumps off the ring apron bringing the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl neck first over the top rope and slingshots back to the mat.]
Suave: Martin again goes over and warns Angel Scott.
[Casey slips in a quick choke hold on Tess while Martin scolds Scott. When Martin turns back around, she drops the choke and slaps a reverse chinlock on Tess. Casey pulls Tess up to her feet and walks her towards Scott. Casey tags her in. Scott lands a couple of clubbing shots to Tess’s back. She whips Tess across the ring towards the opposite corner. Tess jumps up back first on the middle turnbuckle as Scott runs in and leaps forward, driving her shoulder into Scott’s midsection. Tess rolls away and tags Dallas back in.]
Suave: Dallas tags in. But it’s getting a little chippy outside the ring.
[Peta from PETA and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee are embroiled in a heated tête-à-tête with Hallie Burton and Mia Margarita. Kathryn Randall Collins also shouts something at the GWO. She then adjusts her shirt as a sliver of green had mysteriously appeared.]
Suave: Angel Casey doesn’t seem very happy about it either because they’re not paying attention to the match.
[Casey looks down at the two groups from the ring apron with a half-disgusted look on her face.]
[Back in the ring, both Scott and Dallas were both laying on the mat after a wicked mid-ring collision. Both women rolled back and forth trying to regain their bearings. Martin waits. Then he starts to count.]
[The Texas Cowgirl grabs the middle rope and gets up to a knee. Then to her feet. She turns and Scott is also back up as well. Scott with a right hand. Dallas responds in kind. Scott with another right. Dallas again fires her own right hand. Scott with another…and another. She sends Dallas for the ride and goes for a power punch. Dallas slides under. Scott turns around. Dallas kicks her in the midsection. Side headlock. Now she lifts Scott straight up in the air…and drives her back into the mat.]
Suave: Vertical suplex and a good one by Haley Dallas! Hold on! Now there’s some pushing and shoving going on outside the ring.
[Peta from PETA, Code Pink, and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee lock up with Margarita, Burton, and KRC. on the outside. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy also yell at the JBE contingent.]
Suave: It’s definitely heating up and for once, Jill Berg Enterprises is outgunned.
[Tess on the top rope. Dallas whips Scott into the ropes. Scott comes back off and Tess hits a top rope missile dropkick to the jaw. Scott crumples to the mat. Dallas covers as Tess again gets out of the ring. Martin slow to count but finally gets there…1…2…NO!
Suave: ANGEL CASEY SAVES!
[Casey hit her own top rope missile dropkick and knocked Dallas off Scott.]
Suave: THE TEXAS COWGIRL HAD HER! ANGEL CASEY MAY HAVE JUST SAVED THE TITLE FOR- WAIT A MINUTE!
[Outside the ring, now it’s on. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy join the fray. Angel Casey jumps down from the ring apron and she wades in and it’s a full out brawl now. Ron Martin wanders over and observes not watching what’s going on in the ring behind him.]
Suave: WAIT! IT’S THE KENTUCKY DEERHUNTERS ARE IN THE RING!
[Kellyanne Morris and Bailey Foster stand over a downed Tessa Martin and Haley Dallas. Angel Scott gets up and wonders what the hell is going on. Morris and Foster then nail her with a double clothesline.]
Suave: THE DEERHUNTERS JUST TOOK ANGEL SCOTT’S HEAD OFF!
[Foster goes top rope. Morris pulls Scott back up and whips her into the ropes. She catches her on the return and holds her as Foster jumps from the top and grabs her by the head and drives her hard to the mat.]
Suave: ANGEL DEATH DROP! ANGEL DEATH DROP!
[Morris grabs Dallas and drags her over to Scott. She deposits her on top of the fallen Angel and then both Deerhunters exit the ring. Ron Martin turns and sees the ‘cover.’ He goes over…1…2…3! Martin calls for the bell.]
Suave (v/o): NEW CHAMPIONS! NEW CHAMPIONS! THE KENTUCKY DEERHUNTERS HAVE JUST SCREWED OVER ANGELS OF DEATH AND WE HAVE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
[Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring in the midst of the chaos.]
Kimber Marshall: Your winners at fifteen minutes, twenty-three seconds and NEW MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN AND THE TEXAS COWGIRL HALEY DALLAS!
[The Deerhunters take off to the back with an enraged Angel Casey chasing after her..]
Suave (v/o): Morris and Foster exit stage left with Angel Casey right on their heels…what? Okay, we’ve got a replay of what took place in the ring when Ron Martin wasn’t looking.
[REPLAY: MVW Tag Team Title Match
[Kellyanne Morris and Bailey Foster slide into the ring with tire irons in their hands. Morris nails Tess in the back of the head with hers; Foster gets the Texas Cowgirl. Both Tess and Dallas drop right to the mat while Morris and Foster pitch the evidence out of the ring, out of sight.]
Suave (v/o): The Kentucky Deerhunters get their payback on both Angels of Death and Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin and Texas Cowgirl Haley Dallas and-
Suave (v/o): …and here we go!
[The door closes and then reopens a few seconds later. Sixteen large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman smartly dressed in corporate attire and her male assistant, Jerry, race towards the ring.]
[The crowd roars when Berg appears and runs down the aisle.]
Suave: HERE COMES THE FORMER CHAMPION! IT’S JILL BERG…
[Jill launches herself into the air and nails Code Pink in the jaw with a leaping thrust kick. She then turns and hits a spinning heel kick to Peta from PETA. Spinning heel kick to Soccer Mom. Spinning heel kick to New Age Sensitive Guy. Spinning heel kick to GreenPete.]
Suave: …AND SHE’S TAKING OUT EVERYONE!
[Spinning heel kick to PeaceNick, who to be fair, was trying to get out of Dodge before it was too late.]
Suave: I don’t think Tess or Haley realize it yet but they’ve just won the Missouri Valley Wrestling Tag Team Title.
[Close up on Jill Berg- she’s really pissed off right now.]
[Berg brushes past KRC and then marches to the back. KRC and the rest of JBE follow.]
[A package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a supermarket checkout line.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky presents Messing with McGill.
[Dawn McGill is pushing a shopping cart towards the express register for 10 items and under. Her four year old daughter Eva is riding inside the cart. Just as she’s about to reach the cashier, some guy barges through with a full shopping cart and literally pushes the other customers out of his way. He bangs into Dawn’s cart and cuts in front of her.]
Eva McGill: Ow, Mommy! That man ran into us!
Dawn McGill: It’s okay, dear. I’m sure it was just an accident-
[The guy then turns to Dawn and sneers.]
Jerk Man: Hey, do you mind keeping your kid quiet. I’m in a hurry here.
[Dawn begins to fume as the man turns back around and starts loading up the express lane with his groceries. Of course, the express lane register isn’t built for people with an overabundance of groceries so he quickly runs out of space to put his stuff.]
[The guy then turns on the poor girl running the register.]
Jerk Man: Come on, let’s go! I don’t have all day.
[Finally, Dawn taps the man on the back of his shoulder.]
[He whips around.]
Jerk Man (nearly shouting): WHAT-oooooooooof…
[Dawn knees him in the groin. Then she takes a side headlock and DDT’s the jerk on the hard grocery store floor.]
[The surrounding customers waiting in line break out in applause.]
[Final scene: a package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky superimposed over the man unconscious on the ground with blood coming out of his forehead.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Feed your wild side.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #2
[A package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a campground. There’s a truck with a camper in the bed parked in a forest area with plenty of trees.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky presents Messing with McGill.
[Three men sit around a campfire. The one on the left is crouched down on the ground munching on a piece of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky. The other two are drinking coffee from a mug.]
[There’s a rustling by an old barn where four trash cans are located. All four are overflowing over the top. All three look over and see Dawn McGill with an empty water bottle in her hand. She’s wearing shorts and a tank top as she’s out for a run.]
Dawn McGill: Hey guys. Do you know if there’s any other trash receptacles nearby?
[The crouching guy snacking on the beef jerky gets an idea. He reaches into his rucksack and pulls out one of those trick cans that sprays out plastic snakes when you open it up.]
Guy #1: Hey guys.
[He shows the can to the others.]
Dawn McGill: Um. You do know that I can hear you, right?
[The other two snicker at the idea. The man on the far right who’s wearing a plaid lumberjack jacket points to a rock in front of Dawn and the other guy ‘sneaks’ over there with the can.]
Dawn McGill: Okay. You do know that I can see you sneaking up here.
[The other two watch as the guy places the can on the rock, with Dawn observing him, and then ‘sneaks’ back to the campfire.]
[Dawn looks down at the can.]
Dawn McGill: All right. I know what’s inside the can. I’m going to open it up. These plastic thingys are going to come flying out. And then I’m going to have to do something really bad to you guys.
[The three campers simply stare at her.]
Dawn McGill: Okay…fine.
[She opens the can. Two plastic snakes fly out and the campers begin to laugh. Dawn gives out a ‘look’ that said ‘seriously?’ She exhales, turns, and runs into the woods.]
[The three campers scurry towards their camper just as Dawn comes back out with a rather ominous looking weapon in hand.]
Guy #2 (panicked shout): OH *BLEEP*, SHE’S GOT AN RPG!
Guy #3 (even more panicked): RUN!
[As the campers veer off into the woods, Dawn smiles…aims…and fires the Rocket Propelled Grenade into the camper and blows it up.]
[Final scene: a package of Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky superimposed over the burning truck and the debris field around it.]
Announcer: Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Feed your wild side.
[Back in the ring, both Tess and Haley are now back on their feet and holding up their new MVW Tag Team title belts.]
Suave: So again, congratulations to the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas- the new Missouri Valley Wrestling tag team champions…huh? Okay, let’s send it back to Paige McGillicutty for breaking news.
[Cut to backstage- Paige McGillicutty stands in front of the Jill Berg Enterprises suite.]
Paige McGillicutty: Paige McGillicutty, standing by the Jill Berg Enterprise locker room. I am told that ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan is inside the suite and-
[The door opens and there’s Jill Berg and Carrigan…]
Jill Berg: …it’s the only way, Sheline. You want to save your [notices McGillicutty and the camera outside.] CLOSE THE *BLEEP*-ING DOOR!
[And the door slams the door shut.]
Paige McGillicutty: Okay. We’ve confirmed that Carrigan is indeed inside the suite. Back to ringside.
[Johnny Suave and a special guest wearing a John Deere hat are at the broadcast table.]
Suave: With me right now is the one, the only Fred ‘Thunderbolt’ Smith from the Wrestling Guys show. Fred? Welcome to Missouri Valley Wrestling.
Smith: Thank you Johnny. It’s been an entertaining show. Actually, it’s been an interesting weekend.
Suave: Right. You were in Minneapolis last night for High Octane Wrestling’s Simply Marvelous show.
Smith: Wild show, Johnny. Just wild. I was up way later than I need to be and I’m paying the price for it today.
[In the ring stands Dawn McGill, minus one heel, one hand behind her holding what appears to be a ‘stick.’ She still looks a bit harried, slightly disheveled, but she desperately tries to hold it together in the ring. Every so often, she peeks down at the object in her hand.]
Smith: Dawn’s husband Ray McAvay and Max Kael put on a quite a show last night. I know he spent the night at a Minneapolis hospital.
Suave: I have not seen him backstage, Thunderbolt. Let’s go to the ring.
[MVW co-booker Corrina Romanov, a dark-haired, freckled, Russian who had more than has a passing resemblance to former figure skater Irina Slutskaya stands next to McGill. Next to Romanov is Kevin G. Briscoe, who wasn’t the tallest or the biggest person in the world. But he was Russian and more so resembled Brian Cox in the movie ‘Red.’ And somehow being a Russian who resembled Brian Cox in the movie ‘Red’; he had a certain ‘look’ that scared the hell out of people. Liam Neeson in Taken would crap his pants at KGB’s ‘look.]
Briscoe (in moderately thick Russian accent): Tonight, you’ve been watching the fruits of her labor over the past few weeks. You’ve watched a young wrestler in Kirsten Canfield give birth to a new career. You’ve seen the blossoming of the ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan as she grows month by month as a wrestler. And there are also other new and upcoming wrestlers in the pipeline who are in the embryonic stage of their development and Dawn has worked tirelessly to guide them through the process, kind of like a midwife helping a young child’s birth.
[Dawn looks slightly unsettled and somewhat nauseous as Briscoe talks. She continues to peek down at the object in her hand.]
Briscoe: So. I am pleased to announce that Missouri Valley Wrestling is hiring Dawn McGill on full time as our Director of Talent Development.
[The crowd cheers.]
Briscoe: Dawn, would you like to say a few words?
[Which seems to catch her a little by surprise.]
Dawn McGill: Um…yeah?
[McGill takes the microphone from Briscoe.]
Dawn McGill: I just want to thank Kevin G. Briscoe, Corrina, and Johnny for the faith they’ve given in me. [She glances down at the object in her hand again.] It’s…certainly…exciting news and… [Her eyes widen and her jaw drops.] …oh…positive?…Huh… [Her eyes roll up and her legs start to fold.] …unnnnnhhh…
[Dawn drops the microphone and faints in the middle of the ring.]
[Immediately Fred ‘Thunderbolt’ Smith jumps up and tosses the headphones down. He jumps on top of the broadcast table and climbs into the ring. Smith and KGB kneels down next to her while Corrina waves to the back for help. Smith sees the ‘stick’ that Dawn was holding next to her hand and picks it up…]
[Close up- “+”…or in layman’s terms, she’s pregnant.]
[Medical personnel arrive.]
Suave (v/o): We’re going to take one last commercial break. Our main event is coming up right after this.
PCW’s 10th Anniversary/Reunion/Final Show Chicago, ILL Saturday September 6th
OPEN: First scene from PCW’s first ever PPV show- March 2005
Opening Match Halitosis vs. SNAFU vs. FUBAR w/The Island of Misfit Wrestlers and Dr. Bill/Movie Classic vs. ‘King of Old School’ Baron Von Munchke
(Taped) Classic Match from August 2009’s WWR Supershow: Dawn McGill vs. Michael Best
Grudge Match: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin vs. ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann
(Taped) Classic Match- WWE Invasion?: Linda McMahon (R) vs. Richard Blumenthal (D)- PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 Linda McMahon (R) vs. Chris Murphy (D)- PCW Extreme Election Night 2010
Tag Elimination Match: Flying Martini Brothers (Drunken Luchador’s Dave and Dan Martini) vs. Midnight Rockin’ Express (Ricky Michaels and Marty Lane w/ ‘King of Old School’ Baron Von Munchke) vs. DWI (Al Cahall/Nic Koteen w/General DeBauchery) vs. The American Bikers (Paulie Sr./Paulie Jr.)
(Taped) Classic Three Way Tag Match from PCW Extreme Election Night 2008: Fox News (Bill O’Reilly/Ann Coulter) vs. MSNBC (Keith Olbermann/Rachel Maddow) vs. CNN (Lou Dobbs/Campbell Brown)
Three Way Trios Tag Dance: Charlie Blackwell/’Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay/William Daniels Bryan vs. Big Oil/Big Electric/Kirk Walstreit vs. Big Labor/James the Jeep Worker/Triple R
(Taped) Classic PCW Title Match from PCW Extreme Election Night 2008: O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (D) vs. Starz N. Stripes (R) w/John McCain
MAIN EVENT/Champions Elimination Match: Yamamoto Tanaka vs. ‘One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism w/the Original SRB (Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie) vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido vs. ‘Not Just Unbearable…Not Just Intolerable…He is…’ Justin Sufferable.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #2
[It’s a Carl’s Junior commercial and you know what that means.]
[The spot starts as Dark and Stormy, valets for High Octane Wrestling’s Ray McAvay and wearing McAvay’s official ‘Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work.’ T-shirts (in white) and Daisy Duke Shorts, exit a Carl’s Junior restaurant. The ladies walk in slow motion towards a pick-up truck hauling a trailer with a hot tub on it…each carrying a bag full of Carl’s Junior food.]
[They climb up onto the trailer and sit on the edge. Feet dangling from the trailer, Dark and Stormy each pull out a Carl’s Jr’s half pound Western Bacon Thickburger and begin to eat in a most sensuous stimulating way.]
[Cut to inside the store, a mother and her two teenage sons are dining. One of the son’s turns and stares at Dark and Stormy. Stormy, her brown hair ruffling in the artificially produced wind thanks to a huge off screen fan, sees the boy and waves.]
[Dark, her black hair also fluttering in the breeze, takes a huge bite from the sandwich and a massive glob of barbeque sauce that’s slathered onto the sandwich falls and stains her pearly white t-shirt. Of course, she’s horrified at the development. She slips off her pumps and climbs into the hot tub. While keeping the Thickburger high and dry, Dark then dunks herself into the water and rises back up. Her hair now wet…and the t-shirt too but thanks to strategic camera placing and shots, we don’t see any more of her than we really need to for mainstream television purposes.]
[The patrons in the restaurant?]
[Cut to the store. A crowd of people flood to the window.]
[Stormy takes a sizable bite of her Thickburger and, shocking, a major glob of barbeque sauce spills onto her white t-shirt. So she kicks off her shoes too and climbs in.]
[More people crowd up against the window.]
[Stormy drops into the water and comes back up. Again, strategic camera position protects America’s prying eyes from seeing more than they should.]
[The mother inside the store with the two teenage boys notices that they are missing. Where did they go?]
[The boys have their faces pressed up against the window and watch.]
[Back to the trailer, a strange man wearing a janitor’s uniform climbs up onto the trailer and hands Dark a supersized bottle of barbeque sauce. She slowly opens up the bottle and proceeds to pour it all over the burger, all over Stormy’s burger, and then all over herself. Being the helpful person she is, Stormy tries to clean up the massive mess her friend just made by licking the sauce off Dark’s shirt…and then her neck…and then her arms.]
[At that point, the crowd that used to be inside the store suddenly stream outside.]
Announcer Guy: Two for the price of one.
[Stormy pours some of the barbeque sauce on herself and Dark begins to lick it off her.]
Announcer Guy: Carl’s Junior’s Half Pound Western Thickburger.
[Dark then begins to raise up Stormy’s shirt as the commercial ends.]
[Broadcast desk-Suave and Smith.]
Suave: Okay, while we were gone, medical personnel helped Dawn to the back, she walked under her own power, and I think she’s going to be fine.
Smith: She’s probably dehydrated, Johnny.
Suave: Hopefully, that’s all it is. Heartland Champion ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan is already in the ring as we are just about ready to go for tonight’s main event. Let’s go to Kimber Marshall…Kimber?
[Cut to Kimber Marshall in the ring. Carrigan warms up in her corner as Kimber talks.]
Kimber Marshall: Tonight’s main event is a one fall, no time limit, and the winner becomes the new number one contender for the MVW Title. Already in the ring from Vilsack, Saskatchewan Canada. She is the current MVW Heartland Champion. The Canadian Cyborg, SHA-LEEEEEEEN CARRI-GANNNNNNNNNN!
[Carrigan raises her arm to acknowledge the crowd but shows little other emotino.]
Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…
[The door opens and Jill Berg’s bodyguards assemble at the door.]
[The door closes and then reopens a few seconds later. Sixteen large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman smartly dressed in corporate attire, her male assistant, Jerry, MVW Tag Team champions Angels of Death, MVW Television Champion Kathryn Randall Collins, Hallie Burton, and Mia Margarita. The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring. Jerry is carrying a silver briefcase.]
Kimber Marshall: From the financial district of New York City. She is the corporate predator, the CEO of Jill Berg Enterprises…and a former MISSOURI VALLEY WRESTLING CHAMPION! She is the phenomenon known as JIIIIIIILLLL- BERRRRRRRG!
[The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.]
Suave (v/o): I think that chant’s being piped in, too.
[Two of the bodyguards use a fire extinguisher to create a fog like effect as Jill walks through. Two others hold sparklers up in the air as she passes by.]
[The group then continues towards the ring. Passing by the broadcast table, Jill tells Suave to ‘shut up’ and climbs up on the ring apron. Then she and Jerry, with briefcase in hand, pass under the top rope and enter the ring.]
Suave (v/o): The last time we all saw that silver briefcase, Jill Berg was paying off Austin Reeves for his assistance in the Dawn McGill matter at HOW. Tonight, I wonder what she has in mind for the Canadian Cyborg.
[Jill takes the microphone from Kimber and goes right to the center of the ring. Jerry stands right behind her.
Jill Berg: Sheline, I’m just going to cut to the chase. You see, I made a HUGE mistake a few months back when I tried to secure the services of one Dawn McGill. I got cute. I thought using someone else to further my own agenda was the correct path to take. Obviously, I was wrong. Regrettably, Dawn did not want to work for Jill Berg Enterprises and nothing I could say or do was going to change that fact.
[Jill snaps her fingers and Jerry walks over to Carrigan with the briefcase.]
Jill Berg: Sheline, go ahead…open the briefcase.
[Warily, Sheline flips the snaps open and slowly raises the lid of the case up.]
[Close up of the inside of the case- $100,000 in cash.]
Jill Berg: That’s right. This is what I should have done from the beginning with McGill. But part of being a great CEO is identifying and learning from your mistakes.
[Jerry hands Sheline a clipboard with a written contract affixed to it.]
Jill Berg: Here’s the deal, Sheline. I will pay you a ‘signing bonus’ of one hundred thousand dollars cash, the money inside this suitcase with no questions asked, no other strings attached…IF…you sign this contract pledging your service to me for the next year.
[Berg begins to pace back and forth as if she’s trying to work the room.]
Jill Berg: Think about it. That money will more than pay off your family’s mortgage and get your beloved home out of foreclosure. How happy do you think your parents will be when you ride in to the rescue and pay off the bank? You would be a hero, Sheline. A hero. All I ask in return is that you become a hero for JBE and help make it into the premier sports stable in the world.
[Sheline looks over at the broadcast table half-expecting to see Dawn McGill there- except she’s not.]
Jill Berg: She’s not there, Sheline. Dawn’s backstage getting treatment. And besides, she’s taken you about as far as she was going to take you anyways. Dawn is not a superstar. She could have been one. She had the talent to be one. But in the end, she chose not to be one and got married and now is having children. A waste of talent, really…but that’s the breaks. Let’s be fair, Dawn did a great job of laying the foundation for your up and coming career. But I make you take it to the next level. Sign with me, and I will take you places you’ve never dreamed of going.
[Sheline’s eyes dart all over the arena as if she’s looking for someone to give her the right answer. The problem is help isn’t coming. The twenty year old is stuck in the ring, under the lights, and on the spot. ]
Jill Berg: Sign with me, and you can save the family farm.
[Again, Sheline takes a step back, looks around the arena for something, divine guidance, anything, and screws her face up into knots trying to think her way through this.]
[Finally, Sheline takes the pen on the clipboard…hesitates…and signs her name on the dotted line.]
Suave (v/o): She’s going to do it…yep…she’s going to do it.
[Jerry takes the clipboard back and hands her the briefcase full of 100K cash.]
Jill Berg: You chose wisely, young Carrigan. Ring the bell, Davey. It’s time for lesson number one…
[Referee Davey Keels calls for the bell and the match is finally under way. Carrigan and Berg circle. Lock up. Carrigan bulls Jill back into her corner and there’s a clinch.]
Suave (v/o): Well? Whatever deal was made doesn’t appear to be affecting Carrigan’s approach to the-
Thunderbolt Smith (v/o): Um…she’s talking to her Johnny.
[Jill is whispering something in Carrigan’s ear. Keels goes over to break the two up but Jill holds fast. Finally, Keel gets in between the two and separates them.]
Suave (v/o): I don’t know about this.
[Carrigan takes two steps back and looks completely unsure about what to do for one of the few times in her brief ring career. Jill just looks at her and waits. Carrigan finally nods. Jill whips around and snaps off a beautiful spinning heel kick that Carrigan lets connect on her jaw.]
Suave (v/o): NOOOO!
[The crowd realizes what’s happening as Carrigan crumples to the mat. They begin to boo as Jill dives in and hooks the leg for the cover. Keels makes the obligatory three count. And the match is over.]
[The crowd continues to express their displeasure with the match as Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.]
Kimber Marshall: Your winner at one minute, thirty-five seconds and the new number one contender for the MVW Title…the phenomenon known as JILLLLLL BERGGGGGG!
[More boos greet Kimber’s announcement. Berg goes over to Marshall and literally rips the microphone from her hand.]
Suave (v/o): And the crowd vents their disagreement with what just happened in the ring. Carrigan joins Jill Berg Enterprises and her first act is to put her boss over. And now, it looks like Berg is going to address the fans.
[Berg, with Carrigan, TV Champion Kathryn Randall Collins, Angels of Death, Hallie Burton, and Mia Margarita standing her, raises the microphone to her mouth…]
Jill Berg: SHUT UP!
[Which only makes the booing louder…]
Jill Berg: This is corporate business and Sheline Carrigan did the right thing for her…did the right thing for her family. You all can’t see that because you’re too wrapped up in your own little insignificant lives…your own insignificant problems. And speaking of problems…[Berg turns back to the colleagues of JBE]…now that we’ve onboard Ms. Carrigan, unfortunately, that means that I have to let one of you go to make room for her. [Berg paces in front of the six.] Now…decisions…decisions…decisions…
[Berg makes eye contact with Carrigan and nods. Carrigan turns and delivers a nasty forearm shot to KRC’s back that sends her down to the mat. Berg walks over and kneels down.]
Jill Berg: You! You cost me my title because you interfered in the match- against my directive. You cost Angels of Death their titles earlier tonight because you didn’t act decisively to stop the Green World Order from interfering. You cost me the services of the “Lady Giant” Cassidy McConnell because you allowed her to be books in a six woman tag match when everyone knows that McConnell couldn’t go anymore in a full match. I gave you a chance to prove yourself worthy to be part of JBE. You failed.
[Berg stands back up. She whirls around and hits a spinning heel kick to KRC that sends the Television Champion back to the mat. Berg hovers over her.]
Jill Berg: You’re fired! [Points down at KRC.] Sheline…finish her.
[Carrigan bends down and pulls KRC up by the shirt…and exposes a green shirt KRC’s wearing underneath. Curious, she pulls the outer shirt off and reveals the undershirt to everyone- a Green World Order shirt.]
Peta from PETA’s voice (off camera): That’s right, Jill. She was never yours to begin with.
[Peta, Code Pink, ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, Soccer Mom, New Age Sensitive Guy, GreenPete, and PeaceNick of the Green World Order all pile into the ring. Jill stands in place shocked at the turn of events.]
Peta from PETA: I want to announce the new leader of the Green World Order…Kathryn Randall Collins! And let me announce to the world here tonight…we are changing everything!
[Seething, Jill launches herself at Peta and at once, JBE and the GWO engulf themselves in an in-ring brawl as the final credits began to run.]
Suave (v/o): How does this change the balance of power in Missouri Valley Wrestling? Stay tuned. That’s all for this week. For Dawn McGill and Fred ‘Thunderbolt’ Smith, I’m Johnny Suave and we’ll see you next month for MVWA 64.